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Why does she treat me like dirt?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 May 2008) 18 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2011)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been seeing a woman for 6 months, there have been good times and bad times, but overall there has been progress...and that is what keeps me in this relationship.

However, I am burnt out and my heart is dying, and on the two occassions I planned to end the relationship....I could not.

Here is how it has been for 6 months....

She never kisses or says good night or good morning to me, only to her 2 daughters and her 2 cats.

When I compliment her looks, she says she only looks that way to me.

When I tell her to be careful driving when we part for work, she says in a annoyed tone, "I always do"...

When I ask how here work day was she answers in an annoyed huffy tone, "the same as it always is"...

Thus, I do not say these things anymore...

She never initiates affection, i.e. if I do not give her a kiss, hug, or any other type of affectionate action, it won't happen...I must always initiate even the most simple signs of affection.

She never gives me compliments...

Our sex life is going downhill...it only happens when "she wants it"...if I want it, it usually wont happen or if it does she will have a "lets get it over with" attitude.

Once she orgasms, her affection becomes non-existant, and becomes impatient for me to finish.

WHen she talks to me she has hardly a personality, yet with strangers or in front of my family, she becomes "Mrs Personality".

She is very critical of every thing I do and say, yet wants me to live with her.

When I copmplain, she says she is not an affectionate person, and that if I want that to "go find someone else"...

When I try to talk to her about all this, she gets defensive, and I get angry and loud because I am so frustrated.

She has a way with words, and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, yet she says "its her", "not me".

The only time she is affectionate or personable to me is when she drinks...yet to strangers and family (hers and mine) she is always personable.

I got nothing for Valentines Day despite buying nice things for her.

I took her on an expensive vacation and she did not even say "thank you".

I help her clean, I do dishes, vacuum, etc etc, yet she will say I do not do anything.

I am told by other women that I am a good looking, handsome, nice and good man....yet I cannot leave this women for treats me like dirt.

My heart is broken and worn out, as is my mind.

She told me she loved me once, I was so happy I was on cloud nine for several days. Then, in my elation I made mention of it in a conversation a few days later...

She responded by saying "She did not mean it...that it was the moment...she had been drinking"...

She broke my heart...

View related questions: orgasm, sex life

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A male reader, sam44 Canada +, writes (9 January 2011):

misunderstood74 i rated your answer 5 because you look those words straight out of my mouth... right from the top to the bottom. I am here too because i am dealing with a similar woman, and i know for a fact her problem is insecurity and my confidence is my biggest sin to her. Thats what i am paying for.

My advice is to leave by any means possible, i have already left herand it hurts but feels much better inside.

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A male reader, misunderstood74 Spain +, writes (26 October 2010):

You know i got to this site through a google search as im in the exact same situation, i see a few years have passed since the original post was written, itd be interesting to know how the poster got on in the end.

my situation is exactly the same, identical on every count except for the fact that my girlfriend does not drink, nothing not even a shandy....

We have been together for 6 years, at the start for the first few years all was nice and rosy, i would like to say that i am a very caring, romantic and "detail person" I love to give (and get) a hug in the mornings, she was always less cuddly than me, but over time its got worse i always try to take care of little details but its all in vain. My girlfriend constantly keeps me on the border of her affections. When i try to give her a peck on the lips she turns her cheek, when i buy her a little gift its ignored, sex is on her terms only, All laughs and smiles with family, friends, heck, even strangers. She tells me she loves me, gives me the minimum amount of affection to keep me hanging there and i feel shes doing her best to hurt me. She has been away for the last few weeks at her parents house, we talk on the phone every day and after each call i tell her i love her, she replys "ok" and hangs up, that tears my heart in two. She says shefeels uncomfortable saying it in case her parents hear, but i know its just an excuse. I think that i know why she and other women (and possibly men) do this kind of thing in a relationship. They are insecure. Thats right we, the downtrodden ones are not the insecure ones, we are just unlucky enough to have fallen in love with this person. they are the ones with the insecurity issues and the only way they can keep in control and feel that they are better is by exploiting a caring partners weakness (love) and using it to belittle them and make them suffer.

Trying to give that person a bit of their own medicine wont work either because they need a "weaker, more emotionally dependent partner" If we start acting like they do, given that we crave affection and love and they dont, they will always end up winning the waiting game. My girlfriend responds as soon as i ignore her for a bit, but as its my nature to be caring, i cant help and indeed dont want to change who and how i am, as soon as i show any affection shes back with her brick wall again, blocking me out. Its very easy for an outsider to give advice, leave her you say, but its never that easy. Six years together, a mortgage and 4 pets! It also seems that the more "commitment" i have in the relationship, the more she stretches the limits of our relationship. As if she knows that its not so easy for me to walk away because of the mortgage etc.

I also have many women interested in me, im not george clooney but i have been told that im very attractive, and have never had any problem with women whatsoever, she acts like she doesn't care and frequently tells me to simply leave her for one of my suitors if im not happy with her, as per the original poster.

To round it off, i believe that this type of person needs the power trip for whatever insecurity issue they might have, be it that they see you as better than them, more succesful, more good looking or what ever other reason and need to make you feel bad in order for them to feel good.

Also someone with this attitude has to be an intelligent person who knows how to manipulate and never push you past the limit, always leve you hanging in there, as the original poster said, ups and downs. Always keeping you one step away from making the decision that youve had enough. just when they see you getting cheesed off with the whole situation, they give you a peck on the lips, tell you that youre great, that they love you etc etc and thats all your gonna get until the next time youre just one step from the edge once more.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010):

Sounds like this woman is taking you and all that you do for granted...I been through this same situation and I stayed cause I was in love...But she used me and never had any intentions on us growing so I say get the hell out of there while the getting is good.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009):

I know exactly what you are going through and I am going through the same exact thing. This person is not the same person that you fell in love with how ever long ago. Its like they wake up one morning and just change completely. For me, all my friends are like, just walk away, leave her alone and just stop giving a shit but my thing is if you really honestly love someone with all your heart you dont stop loving them no matter what. How hard can it be to fix something??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008):

Brother, I feel your pain. You are not alone.

It is best to just dump her and walk away. The longer you put this off, the more insane and f*cked up you're gonna be when you finally do.

Just walk away, man. These women who think they have the right to hate on their men like this.. I have been now through 3 of these relationships, am 37 now, and finally pulling my head out of my posterior and realizing that "oh gosh, I can actually be alone and find happiness and strength with that"..

Let me guess, she's really beautiful, isn't she?

The beautiful ones ... ach.. I guess you might have seen that rather crass photo floating around online of a truly gorgeous gal with the subtitle "as beautiful as you think she is, someone somewhere is sick of her sh*t".. Damnit, I would give anything not to now find truth in that statement. It is very sad but I think all beautiful women have been driven insane because of their beauty. Especially with regards to their relationship with men.

At any rate,

You've got to really seriously look inward on this one. Find yourself some solitude and don't come back until you can see what a head and heart f*ck you've been putting on yourself all this time..

Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

You are a dormat man, you should work out on yourself. Go and read "Ten Stupid things men do to mess up their lives ", then "The Doormat Syndrome" to clear your mind up. You are just used and will always attract women who use you until you change. Wake up man .....

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (28 May 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntI am not making excuses for this woman, but could she be going through the change if she is as old as yourself. I have a close friend that is going through this and her personality has completely changed. She has gone from being a wonderfull kind and funny person, into a woman that doesnt seem to care about anything.

If you have only been with this lady a few months and she has always been the same, I wonder what attracted you to her in the first place?

If she has been like this from the start, I wonder if you are just one of those types that let themselves be treated like dirt.

I just cannot understand why you are putting up with it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your additional responses.

Yes I have noticed whenever I get mad and pull back she comes around for a brief period.

Unfortunately, one of my self protect mechanisms is to pull back when I am hurt.

In her case, I am no longer being the 100% affectionate guy that other women I have been with love.

I no longer say good night or good morning unless I really feel like it, I do not kiss or hug her when I feel the urge.

I find myself forcing to NOT look at her because I do not want to see her beauty or her looks, because it hurts to think she is my girlfriend, I adore her looks, but she has limited affection for me..thus, I am de-sensitizing myself...and that is NOT good.

I do not cuddle with her anymore either unless she asks me.

All of this does not seem to affect her, at least on the outside.

Our last fight was brief...after sex, I want to give her a hug and kiss..she would have no part of it.

When she saw I was upset, she offered her request to cuddle as evidence of her affection (whoopie doo), and that I refused.

I told her I am so tired of having to initiate things, and that I she needs to experience what she is putting me thru, i.e. feel what its like to want affection and be refused.

Well, seems she can live without cuddling with me now too..so that plan backfired.

Now she wants me to buy a house to live with me as opposed to her place.

I am so very close to saying "our relationship needs to be worked on, before I invest in a house to live in wth her"...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your additional responses.

Yes I have noticed whenever I get mad and pull back she comes around for a brief period.

Unfortunately, one of my self protect mechanisms is to pull back when I am hurt.

In her case, I am no longer being the 100% affectionate guy that other women I have been with love.

I no longer say good night or good morning unless I really feel like it, I do not kiss or hug her when I feel the urge.

I find myself forcing to NOT look at her because I do not want to see her beauty or her looks, because it hurts to think she is my girlfriend, I adore her looks, but she has limited affection for me..thus, I am de-sensitizing myself...and that is NOT good.

I do not cuddle with her anymore either unless she asks me.

All of this does not seem to affect her, at least on the outside.

Our last fight was brief...after sex, I want to give her a hug and kiss..she would have no part of it.

When she saw I was upset, she offered her request to cuddle as evidence of her affection (whoopie doo), and that I refused.

I told her I am so tired of having to initiate things, and that I she needs to experience what she is putting me thru, i.e. feel what its like to want affection and be refused.

Well, seems she can live without cuddling with me now too..so that plan backfired.

Now she wants me to buy a house to live with me as opposed to her place.

I am so very close to saying "our relationship needs to be worked on, before I invest in a house to live in wth her"...

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A female reader, Dupree United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2008):

Hi,

Actually sounds to me like she may have an issue with intimacy? She obviously wants you living with her but any form of affection or emotional content embarasses her, hence only when she is drunk. Only you can say if this rings true. People like this often respond if you pull back so she doesn't feel smothered, in her mind anyway, but she will be hard work and sometimes if we compramise on what we want too much we lose the strength to give altogether and thats not healthy or life enhancing. If you shifted your focus onto yourself, make yourself feel good and don't take her outbursts of critism personally your strength will come back and you can respect yourself and decide what to do when you begin to see her for who she is and who she may never be, for anyone not just you. People don't become like that when they meet us, they are like that in other relationships too

sometimes. Does not mean its healthy or pleasant to be around. good luck.

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A female reader, superbunny United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2008):

superbunny agony auntYou will need to find the strength in friends and family, honey. This cannot go on. This woman is taking you for a ride + it's just not fair!

Was it you who messaged me? I meant to reply, we'll have to talk on here if you don't have MSN. =] x

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A male reader, PeterPan United States +, writes (27 May 2008):

PeterPan agony auntI completely agree with all the others here. It's not going to get better (or there's little likelihood of it). Unfortunately, I'd say cut your losses and find that one woman out there that's waiting for you to bump into her coming out of a Starbuck's someplace. In short, nobody deserves to be treated like crap. If she's affectionate to her pets and daughters, then she's capable of showing it... and if she's not sharing it with you (without the need of a local bar), then there's something to seriously consider.

Best wishes to you!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all of your responses.

I appreciate the kind words.

Most of what you all are telling me I have heard from all of my friends.

Unfortunately, it is easy to say leave than to do it.

It seems everytime I get close to leaving something happens "for the better" and I am glad I stayed...until the next incident...

Up and down....

The one time I told her off, I felt even worse.

Yes, it has been 6 months not 6 years, but as you can see the relationship maybe moved too fast, and she admits being partly to blame for that.

When I first met her she said and did things that made it move fast and has not said since, and based on what I know about her previous realtionship, it would seem she was on the heavy rebound...from being hurt.

Yes "SuperBunny", it requires strength to leave her...I am trying to find that strength...

And yes, many women tell me I am the perfect guy...which I appreciate...thank you.

In answer, the question:

"So when she said she didn't mean it, why didn't you ask why you 2 are together at all then?"

My response was exactly that...I asked her why are we together, what the heck is my role in this relationship...a door mat?

Her response is always the same to that and similar questions, i.e. "If I did not want to be with you, I would not have asked you to live with me, I would tell you to get the hell out"...

Also, she will say "I do find you very attractive, and I would not have sex with you if I didnt"...

Right now I am so angry and hurt, I want to just get my stuff and leave, but I know then I will feel horrible.

This whole thing is driving me crazy...literally.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2008):

hlskitten agony auntHi

6 months or 6 yrs? I cant imagine being with someone only 6 months and putting up with being treated like that. You should still be in the honeymoon period! Thats ludicrous. I am assuming you have low self asteem, because thats just unreal. You would still only be getting to know each other after 6 months, and by now you should of thought she isn't a very nice person?

Is it definately only 6 months?

C xxxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

Leave her. Now. You deserve so much better. You're like the perfect guy! Go find someone who'll C H E R I S H you, because trust me, you're of the rare kind, the kind that NICE GIRLS WANT TO MEET!!!!! So leave her, stop waisting your time with her, she's bitter anyway. Or she's using you. I don't know, but whatever it is it's not healthy for you. You've been together for 6 months, don't extend your pain any longer. It'll be hard to cope for some time after it, but truly, you deserve way better than this woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

You're in a situation that a friend of mine is in. Trust me - get out NOW, it only gets worse!

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A female reader, superbunny United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2008):

superbunny agony auntOkay, this lady seems dire, can you I ask you why are you still with her? She clearly has little to no respect for you, I think you're going to have to be strong + calls it quits. You seem to be gaining nothing from this relationship + neither does she if everything she says is true. The point of any relationship is to feel loved + cared for - all you're getting here is heartache + that's not good. =[

I'm sure there's someone perfect out there for you, you may just need to keep hunting a little longer.

Message me if you'd like to chat. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

So when she said she didn't mean it, why didn't you ask why you 2 are together at all then? I dont get that.

If at the end of the day, she doesn't love you and its not going to change, you might have to be the one to get out the relationship. You deserve better.

It sounds like the feelings have gone from her.

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