A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have a pretty good sex life but it's not without some quirks. I've always enjoyed giving her oral sex. She claims that I'm the first who has been able to bring her to orgasm this way. The problem is that she essentially requires that I maintain an erection while I'm giving her oral sex. I'm expected to do this without any stimulation given to me "down there" while I'm going down on her. 69 works well but she can't orgasm that way.Is this reasonable? Sometimes I can maintain an erection while I'm giving her oral and sometimes I can't. It doesn't mean I enjoy it any less, but in her eyes it means that I'm not turned on. I'm almost always able to get it up for intercourse after I'm done going down on her. Any insight to this from both perspectives would be appreciated. Thank you!
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erection, fiance, oral sex, orgasm, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your feedback! I really appreciate getting some insight from both the male and female perspective.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Once again Carrot is absolutely right. I love giving oral sex, absolutely love it but a) no I don't keep an erection the whole time - just seems like a lot of wasted energy, I'm 40 and an extra 20 odd minutes of erection is going to take its toll somewhere down the line b) yes it is in standby and it's good to go again in 5 - 10 seconds, is that really too long to have to wait? c) I'm sorry but how would she ever know - if I'm giving oral sex then my dick is well out of sight and out of reach.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I'm gonna have to go with Cindy and Q on this ultimately. She's getting all the sauces and pickles AND the main course. It's still the same even if the candles don't remain lit through the entire meal. Now, what's for dessert?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Erections have been compared to when women get wet. Its a bodily function as well as a mental one. The mind can fuel it but the body has at least partial control over it too.
Both men and women can get erect or wet while being sexually assaulted against their will. And both genders can struggle with being mentally aroused but their body does not want to cooperate.
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male
reader, rooster69  +, writes (18 June 2010):
Sometimes most men have to stop and think, she probably feels like she's not turning you on, What I am getting at,is that she probably thinks she's not good enough for you. Some women likes to have intercourse to feel like they are loved, I know it sounds crazy, but just think about how you would feel if she never got wet, Its about give and take
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I don't know, guys... I don't mean at all to be confrontational, but I am getting a bit confused here..
You make it sound as if an erection were some sort of frail exotic flower that can only bloom in special conditions... or some elusive creature of the woods ,now-you-see-it,now-you-don't..
For what I know, it is not like that, the process is simpler. Guy gets a woody, - keeps his woody- finishes off,no more woody.
I hate been so detailed but, always for what I have seen, a few times ( not many ,luckily ) my partners were unable to have an erection- generally due to having drunk a bit too much. But, once there IS an erection- it stays there for a reasonable time, it does not go anywhere. ..
Also I am not quite sure to understand when Honeypie says that erection is not the only sign that your partner is turned on. It may be not the only sign- but it's the one which signals he is ready willing and able for erotic exchange and physical release. In lack of that, why doing sex stuff- might as well cuddling on the sofa no ? Which
may be a very beautiful, tender, romantic thing - but not an erotic one...
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female
reader, shanana +, writes (18 June 2010):
I had to text my bf to ask if he stayed erect while performing orally. How does she even know you're not erect? I believe it is totally unreasonable of her to require you remain erect. One more thing to add, why do so many of you make men in their 30's out to be geriatric patients. lol
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 June 2010):
 Ask her to have an orgasm without any stimulation.. Or riding a bike with out the wheels..... It is about the same. I think that is a ridiculous insecure thing to demand. You might have to EXPLAIN to her that erection is NOT the only sing of being turned on by your partner.
~wow, just wow.~
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Simple solution -- stop going down on her. Two can play at unreasonable.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 June 2010):
Me too, mal! I don't agree that it's a sound rationale to expect a solid woody right up to the big bang , no matter what. I see no reason to waste a good hard-on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): i was actually agreeing also...and may i say that when i am giving a bj or hj...i enjoy it but too...but to put it plainly, im not wet. im concentrating on him....she should appreciate what you are doing and given some time and maturity maybe she will. mal
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 June 2010):
Alright, I'll be waitin' outside, Q. Bring your A game.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Good Grief! That's unreasonable. After all do you expect her nipples to be erect during anal sex?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2010):
 One more thought on this. Women are trained through the years to be the givers, not the takers. For some women, it can be very uncomfortable to be purely selfish in bed, because it goes against those years of conditioning. By making sure that you are staying aroused, then she's not doing all the taking, if you understand the fine point there. She's only 95% taking, and that may be enough comfort margin for her to relax and be able to let go enough to surrender to the experience.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I'm with Tisha. It is completely unreasonable to expect a man, especially in his 30's to walk around with a throbbing, dripping hard on 24/7 like a 18 y.o. at a sorority dance. Guys need manual stimulation sometimes. It isn't a sign we aren't totally horny or aroused. In fact, it is the sign of a healthy male who's cock knows when to get erect for penetration and when it's just on "standby". Call it cock-maturity. I actually get harder from going down on my woman, becuase the moaning and writhing or her legs and arms is such a turn on for me...but sometimes I go soft for a bit. If she expected me to be hard, I can guarantee you I'd be soft...what a turn off to be expected to have a bat swingin against the sheets during cunnilingus. Get a grip ladies. My GF used to give a footjob to her ex when he went down on her....maybe have her try that.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 June 2010):
I'm down with, Carrot!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 June 2010):
Isn't there a "concentration" element required to maintain a good ol' Blue Steeler? Meaning if you're off focused upon other matters, then the redirected concentration can result in a bit of the wind sock thing?
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Sorry, ladies, but I really don't understand how a woman can feel badly if a man doesn't maintain an erection when he's performing a sexual act that doesn't involve the use of his dick at the moment. The dick ain't going nowhere and will return to its full, upright position soon enough. Meanwhile, sit back,and enjoy the ride.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2010):
Wait. She expects you to stay hard without any stimulation whatsoever? She's being unreasonable, sorry, but that's just being selfish. If she "allowed" you to use your hand to keep yourself erect, that's one thing, but to expect you to stay erect the whole time without any extra sensory input except your lips on her genitals? That's just a bit cuckoo. Sorry, ladies, but I'm with him.
Come on, there are ebbs and flows in sex and sometimes, depending on the activity, things deflate or go dry. They just do, there shouldn't be any blame on this.
My suggestion is to tell her that you find her so indescribably hot that you cannot stand it, and you have to touch yourself. Or have a reasonable discussion with her sometime when you are not in bed. Or hide the equipment while you are pleasuring her, then she won't know what's happening. A strategically draped sheet or something.
Cut this poor man some slack. And OP, just be sensitive to her, she sounds a bit, ah, well, insecure. Prop her shaky ego up a bit with some judicious words and carry on. It sounds like you are doing a good job!
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male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (18 June 2010):
OK, I gotta admit this one's way over my head...As an older man my memories of performing 69 was to give HER the big O not me!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2010):
Person12345, ..standby mode ?... It's hard to be erecet for a long time ??
Maybe in Camnada,LOL - Could be the weather.
Sorry Person- I am just kidding . Don't get mad ok ?:)
Although, I AM grateful that a merciful fate , or some minor Divinity of Oral Sex, has spared me so far from the inconvenience you guys mention.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): bicycle pump?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2010):
It may not be reasonable, but that's what happens and there is very little that's reasonable about sex :)
Reasonable or not, I can totally relate to your gf. It would totally turn me off and spoil the mood if I had to lay there being industriously serviced by a guy without a visible sign of excitement and involvement. Might as well being a car at the shop being serviced by the mechanic, or laying in the dentist chair undergoing dental cleaning. Without erection it feels like...maintenance.
I KNOW you are doing it to fulfill her physical needs and in fact you are a caring generous lover- but ,it's not all about the physical needs, or the reaching of a goal ( orgasm ).
Sex, either we admit it or not, is also a rather narcissistic activity, both for males and females. We want to know - and see- that we are exciting you, turning you on, blowing your mind. We want to feel powerful, and erotic. And that's much easier if you get a precise feedback :)
If you think about it, it is a bit like when men have sex with quiet women who never moan or sigh or anything. Men don't like it. Why ? One can have orgasms also in total silence. Yes, but....the sensory feedback totally enhances the experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): well its a tough one alright. we women do see it as a sign of whether you are turned on. we cant help it... we do...middle age is hard and you are not a teenager anymore. when my hubby and i first married he had a hard~on most of the time. and as all females, i took all the credit and greatly enjoyed the power. as the years have gone by it has changed...its hard not to feel like i dont do it for him anymore. because seemingly the evidence speaks for itself.
however that is not true...as you say. its how we SEE it. its how we FEEL it...but its not reality. it does take a bit more effort these days for him to maintain an erection. thats not by his choice,or that hes not interested, its just life. and when his guys are touched and given some attention they respond. i think when man are doing oral their focus is on pleasing the woman... and sometimes he just doesnt get erect. even without 69 she should be able to reach you with her hand and stimulate you. and she should be willing and wanting to do that for you. :) mal
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female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I think it's reasonable in the sense that she just wants you to be excited about performing oral sex on her and being engaged in sexual activity in general you're 'expected' to be excited physically, and it's a really sensitive subject.
It's completely understandable that you can't maintain an erection at all times during this process, especially if you're concentrating on pleasing her and she needs to realise that you not being visibly excited doesn't mean you're not enjoying it. It probably just hurts her feelings a little to see that you were erect and then after going down on her you became not erect.
Have you tried explaining it to her properly? Explain why you simply physically can't remain erect without being stimulated?
The other option is that you could find a way to lightly stimulate yourself during?
Otherwise you just have to try to be patient and get your partner to understand that it's a natural thing and that it doesn't mean anything.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 June 2010):
 What a strange thing to require! Why not try explaining to her the way it was comically explained to me, that it's not going soft, it's just going into standby mode and that it's hard (no pun intended) to be erect for a long time and so it just kind of goes standby but comes back quickly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Hi, I'm a women who myself likes her partner to keep an errection whilst oral sex is happening. Because it A) Makes us girls uncomfortable being the only one to be 'in the mood' and puts us off and B) because it makes us feel like 'our down there parts' don't keep you wanting more.
Women are complicated when it comes to sex, you'll get used to it ;)
Jodie. xx
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