A
male
age
41-50,
*ostandconfused55
writes:Why does my wife lie?This started a while ago, but it's getting worse and worse. For some reason my wife doesn't trust me. I've never strayed, never even looked at another woman in our 5 years together. She's given me two beautiful children whom I love very much. I show her and tell her how much I love her daily, I do little things for her, and big things. And she still doesn't appreciate all the things I do for her. Last week, our finances were stretched thin. and me and my wife sat down to figure out a budget that will work and that we can keep to. we had the entire transaction history in front of us, and as such everything we had spent money on for the past two months was at our fingertips. We discovered we were spending way too much on groceries, (almost 60% of my take-home pay) and that was where our money was going. Well the way she told her friends about it made it out that a) We never had this discussion, b) I never told her what I spent money onc) I was spending the majority of our money on "stuff" that she wasn't privy too. d) She hadn't spent any money on herself in monthse) Bills weren't getting paid because I was spending money who knows where.None of that was true, the only money I had spent that wasn't on necessities, was about $60 in two months. She spends roughly $200 per month on crafting supplies. The only time I spend money she doesn't know about is when I buy her a gift.Another time, she took the kids to visit her folks, and left me home alone to fend for myself. I took the initiative in the few hours I had at home to clean the house as best I could. I did all my laundry, my only mistake was leaving the previous nights dishes in the sink the day before she came home, (I got home at 9:00 at night, and had time to eat before going to bed, exhausted after a 13 hour workday) well, despite all the good things I did, she told her friend that she was mad at me for not doing a single thing to clean up the house while she was gone. leaving her with a sink full of dirty dishes (one plate, and one knife is full?) piles of laundry, (I had done laundry the weekend before and there were just what I wore that week,) I couldn't believe she'd say that. especially after I worked hard, and cleaned up a lot, but apparently, not doing the laundry the night before she came home, and not doing my dishes immediate after eating... was the greatest sin anyone could do. And I never did anything to help around the house the entire time she was gone. heck I even apologized that I didn't get as much done as I wanted to before she came home, because I worked long hours while she was away. I work hard to provide for her and our kids, I don't ask for much, I fully expect people to slam me that I'm not doing enough around the house and that she's exhausted staying home with the two kids, etc etc etc... if thats all you're going to say, please don't, you don't know the whole situation, you don't know what I do on a daily basis for my family. A more extreme example of her lies to her friends about me? I was laid off a few years ago, I found a new job within a week that paid better, and was a way better job, all in all a win-win, plus in effect I got more money than I would have had I stayed in the same job for the first week on the new job. What did that translate to what she told her friends? "I got fired for drinking on the job, and was out of work for 6 months, and we lost power and heat because we haven't paid our bills, and are in danger of losing our house and child (we only had one at the time)." Oh, and for the record, I don't drink. What can I do to help this? Why would she be doing this? Does she actually think like this? What can I do to ensure this doesn't happen again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): My mom was a lot like that. Reading that was like de ja vu, no kidding. Did your wife have anything traumatic happen to her when she was younger..? Like as in abuse..? My mom basically made our lives miserable, like you're describing. I would ask her, and if that doesn't work I would bring her to the doctor. Hope it helped.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): And find out why she's doing it too. Is it really because she has a psychological problem? If so, then she needs help or nothing will change, even if you confront her.
Is it because she's unhappy or upset about something? Why is she doing something to hurt you on purpose? So it may be a good idea not just to call her out on it, but also to have a talk with her to try to get it fixed... Let her know how you feel, how you want her to stop.
Good luck, I hope it works out, it seems you love her very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Embarrassing her in front of people won't help change her behavior, only a professional with experience in behavior modification can do bring about some positive changes.
I agree with the other aunts that she may be a pathological liar and likes attention. Can you get her to seek help? If not, can you live with this for the rest of your life? It will not spontaneously disappear :( I'm sorry you have to live like this, it is crazy-making behavior.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 To be honest I think she has a problem psychologically that makes her want to lie all the time. Have you ever called her out on some of these lies? I would do it in front of her friends on something you have absolute proof that she has lied about, e.g signed statement, tape recording, witness etc. Also I think you need to tell her that her lying is really starting to hurt you and that if she doesn't do something about it you will take action. In fact the more I think about it the more I think you need to set her up a few times to force the issue into the spotlight and force her to do something about it. Invest in a hidden camera or voice activated tape recorder that you can hide and start getting some proof of what you are dealing with. I bet she's lying to her friends and parents too about other stuff besides moaning about you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 There has to be more to this story. Something isn't adding up. How do you know what she is telling her friends about you?? Where are you getting this information?? Are you breaking into her emails? Having discussions with her friends?
If I took what you're saying on its face value (which I'm having a hard time doing, to be perfectly honest), I'd say that she's addicted to the "martyr status" attention she gets from her friends. And if this is true about her bashing you to her friends, and she was here, I'd have strong words with her about bringing up your fights with her friends. That's a pretty bad marriage eroder to pull a bunch of friends/loved ones into every fight and squabble.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (10 June 2010):
 it seems like your wife like to complain and take all blame away from her so she lies to cover her marks. She likes to play the victim so that people will side with her and agree. She could also be a compulsive liar and cannot tell the truth, but I think she likes to play more than having a compulsive problem.
I would suggest you stand your grounds and when you hear these lies deny them in front of her and her friends. I know its hard to stay home and take care of the house and little ones, but its even harder to have to work all day, and still have to come home and take care of the house, and your weekend are also being robbed. Dude talk to her and don't put up with all this don't be a pushover. I think the only way she will stop lying is by you putting her on the spot every time she is caught lying and putting you down.
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