A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I don't know my biological dad and I have never been really close to my mother, she doesn't seem to care about me a lot. She does the basic parental obligations - feeding me, etc.- but she doesn't care much what's going on in my life and how I feel. Whenever I tried telling her, she was acting indifferently, so I eventually stopped doing it. When I was 16, my mom married and first, I thought, I wouldn't like the guy. But he turned out to be the best person I have ever met. Even though I'm not even his child, I'm not his son, I can always come to him and just talk about everything. If I'm feeling down,if I'm happy, if I screw something up and don't know what to do, he always listens to me and gives me great advice if I ask for it. He always has time for me while my mom couldn't care less. Why does it happen like that - strangers care for you more than your own parents? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2019): Sometimes even Mom's have mental health issues like depression and Asperger's or even Narcissistic tendencies etc so answers are not always so cut and dry.
You are very lucky to have a great step father who is also a friend to you, maybe you could ask him some questions to try and understand.
Love comes in many forms and unexpected places and sometimes family lack it.
Good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2019): Typo corrections:
"We don't know her, and it would be unfair to influence your opinions of her."
"She must have searched far and wide; until she knew she had found someone who could love and guide you into manhood."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2019): We can only speculate or guess what is in your mother's heart. Only God and your mother knows that. We must be careful of what we advise; because we should not create false-impressions, or sway your feelings, by speculating on who your mother is. No one here really knows why she is like she is. We don't know her, and it would be unfair to influence you opinions of her. In fact, it would be quite dangerous for us to be that presumptuous.
I'm particularly careful when I advise teenagers. Hearing only one-side of a story, it would be arrogant of me to tell you about how your mother should behave; when I have no idea of how you behave and treat her! She deserves the benefit of the doubt. She was a single-mother, raising a son alone. That's tough! I will only give her credit for taking full-responsibility; no matter what she may have endured, or may have experienced. Prior to, and during your brief life-time.
It could be possible that motherhood came to your mother before she was ready for it. It could be she just isn't the kind of a person who is visibly affectionate and nurturing; perhaps because there was never an example set for her by her own mother, or parents. She hasn't disclosed her past to you, and keeps it hidden within her. That's motherly-protection. It still may have a grave affect on her; even if she won't let it touch you! I believe she loves you very much, and I won't hesitate to say that!
No matter what, nothing is your fault! NOTHING!!!
Whatever the case, don't give-up on her. She didn't abort you, or give you up for adoption; but she chose to keep you.
Many things may have removed or challenged her sensitivities over the course of a lifetime. Often, people in our society are taught not to coddle or baby male-children. Society believes we have to be taught to be tough; and boys should not display too much emotion. One thing you didn't say about your mother, is that she abuses you, or says hurtful things to you. Life may have hardened her; because she had to struggle on her own.
Even if she sees any resemblance between you and your father; that isn't your fault. To hold that against you makes no sense. YOU'RE NOT YOUR FATHER! Cruelty for such a stupid reason will only backfire on her. She is fully aware of that. That I will say with confidence.
Look at it this way. If there wasn't good in her, and she didn't love you; she wouldn't have brought such a good man into your life to be your father. She must have searched far and wide; until she new she found someone who could love and guide you into manhood. Someone to teach you to be a good man; and to treat women better than she may have been treated by your biological-father, and other men she has known. She wouldn't have attracted a man like your stepfather; unless she somehow knows how to be loving.
I am very happy for you, being a young-man, to have a good male role-model. A loving and kind male-figure in your life; who has the capacity to lovingly teach and guide you. To show you by example how to be a good father; and most importantly, to make you feel loved.
No, don't feel unloved by your mother. She just doesn't know how to show it in typical motherly-ways; but deep-down underneath you're everything to her. If you tell her you feel otherwise; I would guess it's breaking her heart to hear it, if she just doesn't know how. Or, if experiences from her past has stolen something from her.
I will not tell you to stop telling her how you feel. It is important that you are able to tell her that you are not receiving the affection vital between a child and a parent; especially between a son and his mother. This is a very special bond in our lives. Just try not to grow resentful or too critical; because there are things you're yet too young to understand, or she may have difficulty in exposing about her past.
In spite of what you see, sometimes things go deeper beneath the surface; and may not be played-out according to what we want them to. She never gave you up, she fulfilled her obligation, she kept you alive and well; and she provided a man in your life who has gladly assumed the role as your father. That is good!
God take care of you and bless you, young man!
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 August 2019):
 Hello Good Sir,
Do you know the back ground story why your dad is not around?? Do you know what kind of person your dad was?? Do you know the reason she is a single mom??
Your dad could have been a very bad person to your mother. You may look a lot like him, or remind her every day of him. Maybe he was a really good guy, and your mom was deeply in love with him, and never really gotten over him. Again, you would be that reminder of a serious headache.
My point is...You do not truly know what your mom is carrying around inside her. Holding herself together long enough to look after you, and finding ways to deal with her own issues. Your step dad came along and met you as you are. Potty trained, grown, and never once had to stay with you sick all night. Or changed your dirty diapers. Get you from daycare, doctor's appointments, and list goes on. Your mom had to do all that alone, for years. You don't think doing all that alone will put some serious strain and stress on her?? While you are thinking of the here and now issues you have, she is thinking about your future, and how to pay for it all. Have you even thought that far ahead yet?
Even though your step dad is there now, your mom has not stopped being a mom, looking after you, and concerned about you as she has done for years.
I am not saying your step dad is not a good guy, but your mom had to fight the war alone, and still keep you safe. Your mom may not be perfect, but you could never live long enough to repay her for all she has done. You say "She does the basic parental obligations - feeding me, etc."...Why don't you try doing what she does for a month. You pay all the bills, buy all the food, cook all the meals, do all the laundry, and hold done a job. She does not have to keep you living there. Many kids live in foster homes, being treated like dirt, being abused daily. She kept you because she loves you, not because she had to keep you.
Think about how much worst your life could be before you complain...And give thanks for your not so perfect mother.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (8 August 2019):
 Its really hard to say why your mom is the way that she is. It could be so many things to be honest. Some people don't know how to show affection, feel uncomfortable showing it. It could be that or a million and one other reasons. My mom could never show us real affection and liked to criticize my sister and I. I mean really hurtful cruel comments. Luckily our dad was gentle and wise and could usually try and buffer her. I found out years later that my mother admitted that she had never wanted children and felt resentful because my father wanted us so much and she felt he showed us too much attention and affection. I mean WTF???? You see? Who knows?
I have learned to accept my mother because I can't change her. Deep down inside I think she means well but she doesn't seem to understand how much she hurts us. I believe she was very unhappy in her marriage. She also had an alcoholic as a father and I knew this truly affected her. It is what it is and I know I can't change my mom.
I'm glad that your stepfather is a good guy. Appreciate him. Its good that you have someone to go to. I had my dad and my grandmother. Its hard I know but try and just accept your mother for how she is and appreciate what she does for you and go on. It isn't anything you have done sweetie..as Honeypie said. Its HER.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (8 August 2019):
 Never underestimate or under appreciate the role of a "trusted adult". It has been my great honor at times to be that person. I'm glad you have one.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2019): At the age you are at these feelings you have about your mom are normal.Many teens feel like this. She might be a great mom..or maybe not but when you are a adult you will realize what I say is true.Your stepdad is more like a peer rather than a parent so that is why you get along better with him.He is what you can call the fun one.Your mom on the other hand is the one who had to set rules and discipline you growing up hence that makes her the mom and not a peer.Think about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 August 2019):
 I can't add to anything which has not already been said but I didn't want to read and run.
Just a line to say I am really glad you have found some support in your life in the shape of your step father. When you are having a "moment" with him, perhaps you could just tell him (it can be casual) how much you appreciate him. I am sure it will make his day.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 August 2019):
 Without more to go on, all I can do is guess. However, I've got a good guess, based on what I've actually seen on more than a few occasions in my life with my own friends. My own cousin is treated like this by his own mother while treated well by his stepdad for a primary reason:
Her son reminds her of her ex-husband, who had cheated on her and whose divorce from her had been particularly ugly.
In your case, and there's nothing you can do about it, it's possible that you remind your mom of your biological father in looks, mannerisms, and/or personality, so therefore she may be subconsciously transferring hate and bitterness towards you, though she may not even realize it.
Your stepfather, however, that one's easy. He's a good man, and he loves you for you. Like a son who's been adopted, he chose you, and he loves you just as if he created you.
Have you asked your mom what your dad was like?? Why don't you ask her in conversation once, and her answer may illuminate you. The fact that you never see him and have no relationship with him shows that their split was NOT a good one to be sure.
One other thing -- just in case I"m wrong, I could be guessing that your mom JUST got married to this new guy, since you said she married while you were 16 and now you're 17, meaning she's a newlywed.
She may in fact love you after all, but she's getting carried away in the honeymoon phase with her new husband, and you're feeling neglected, while he hasn't forgotten that marrying her really means marrying INTO your family. Like I said -- he's a good man.
Give your mom just a little time, and maybe the "newlywed" phase will settle down a little, and she'll spend more time and attention with you. Right now, it's all love, hearts, and marriage newness. That will wear off soon!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 August 2019):
 I can't tell you why you mom isn't a good mom. She probably can't either.
NOT all women are maternal and not ALL men have issues with step-kids.
It might be her own upbringing. It might be so many things, but ONE thing it's NOT... is your fault. IT IS NOT your fault.
ACCEPT that THIS is how your mom is. It REALLY is HER loss. She can do BASIC care-taking but that is it.
And BE GLAD that she at least married a guy who cares. Keep bonding with your step dad. Who knows maybe your mom will notice and try harder herself, maybe she won't.
It's 100% HER, not you. OK?
...............................
|
