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Why does my married lover remain with his wife if they've stopped sexual relations with each other?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2015) 15 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2015)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Been with my married lover for a few years now and the other night I asked him if he was sleeping with his wife? He didn't like me asking because I have kept mentioning it, anyway he said he didn't and if he was to cuddle his wife she would be shocked as they don't have physical contact, but why is he with her then if she doesn't want sex anymore?? Their children are 18 and 16 so why doesn't he leave?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015):

You can't possibly be that naive!

The question you should be asking is why am I sleeping with a married man?!?!

Break it off. Get some help for your low self esteem. Get your life together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015):

You should end this relationship now before you really get your heart shattered into a million pieces. It only gets worse in time because you end up getting more attached as the years go by, but there will come a time when he will end it with you. He'll either find a more exciting fling, or he'll decide to do the right thing and make his relationship work.

I was in the same boat with a married woman for a long time. Just like her marriage, she eventually decided that our relationship became stale and predictable as well and she ended up kicking me to the curb. What you need to understand about cheaters who stay with their spouse is that they are borderline narcissists. You are merely an object that fuels their self esteem and need for excitement. These people lack empathy, so don't think for one second that he really cares about you.....he doesn't. He only cares how you make him feel.

Your lover is skilled in the art of deception and manipulation, and he can convince anyone of anything. Whenever you confront him about why he won't leave his wife he'll turn it all around and make you out to be the bad guy. Seriously, end it now because you are setting yourself up for an emotional mess of epic proportions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015):

Just a hunch but have you tried asking him this question? I've been there and done that with a married man. It hurts, i knos! And it is hard to let go. But you have to for the sake of your sanity and self worth.

He is still with her probably because they have a long history, and even though his kids are 16 and 18, they will still be crushed if they find out thwir dad did the dirty on their mum! This is why he will never leave her i'm aftaid.

Now it's really up to you whether you carry on or not. Speaking from experience though, married men arn't all they are cracked up to be once you have them with you. When you're the one cutting their tow nails, hearing them break wind and laugh like idiots, hearing the noises they make whilst eating etc i found after 1 year of my lover living with me, i had fallen out of love with him. Also- whether you believe it now or not, you will never trust him!

His defense tactic of getting annoyed sees to him not ever having to answer to you as you wi be too scared to questiom him on anything. I wonder if he uses the same tactic with his wife?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015):

It's really hard when you are in love with someone and are hoping and wishing things were different. We all want to believe and have faith in the person we love. There is no easy way out of this but deep down you probably know that already. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Every day that you are not doing that is a day wasted in fulfillinng your wish to love and be loved in the way you deserve to be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015):

Because your the sex part and his wife is everything else meaning the mother of his children, invested time and finance with her, created a home for him and I presume still sexual with her etc...

She is a big part of his life you are just the bit on the side and fun. Do yourself a favor. Do not waste anymore time with this guy. Try and get a man that is single without any added complication. It's not going to be that simple to break up a marriage ( a team) or should I say a FAMILY.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015):

Your "boyfriend" is still sleeping with his wife. End of story. Dump him and find someone who is single. PLEASE!!

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

dougbcoll agony aunt he has commitment with his family. children almost grown , but not quit. he has a wife he has not left because investment with her time and years.

you are the cake on the side. he has been with you but not gone through any commitment with you. promised or not he has strung you along as the mistress in his life. you need to be happy with that , because that more than likely is all you will get with him.

he is with his wife because he has no plans of leaving her. he is with his family because he has an investment with them.

you have been with him for a few years, being on the side is all you will get with him. you have a choice to continue being the woman on the side, or brake off with him.

bottom line he is cheating on his wife with another woman "you" . so if he did leave his wife for you what would you have? i mean could you trust him? if he cheated on her, what is to stop him from cheating on you? would you be able to trust him when he is away? a relationship is not built on mistrust, and the foundation of the relationship you have with him is on cheating his wife.

you are the other woman, like it or not. just think about it i hope this helps.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (28 October 2015):

This sounds as though his wife is his best friend and adequately fulfills his needs outside the bedroom. Perhaps they are having sex but he has become a bit bored and has thus added you to his life. Does he want more from you than sex? If not, he is probably getting most everything else at home and will stay there.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI totally agree with Honeypie... he does not leave because he does not want to.

Why is he with her? It's easier. He probably still loves her (no matter what he says to you) and to be honest...for all you know he's having sex with her and lying to you too....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015):

I knew a few married couples who had affairs and literally every man said he and the wife never had sex. Which wasn't entirely true in any of the cases. One man had somehow managed to convince his mistress that although he and his wife still slept in the same bed they didn't have sex. I have no idea how he managed that one! Surely no body would buy that story?! Come on girl I think you know the answer here. You don't need to ask. The question is do you want to settle for second best for the rest of your life?

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (28 October 2015):

I endorse completely everything YouWish has said to you. She’s right: the more restless you get, the more likely you are to get unceremoniously dumped and thrown on the side-lines so he can try and reconcile with his wife. The reason why he doesn’t leave her is because he doesn’t want to, and why should he? He has it all: the wife and kids at home and the mistress on the side happy to continue playing that role. If he thinks you’re starting to intrude on his marriage and ask questions, that undermines the neat separation he thinks he’s created between his life with her and his secret trysts with you. I couldn’t possibly put that better than YouWish. My other thought is this: he probably is sleeping with his wife. Perhaps he’s telling the truth, perhaps he isn’t, but let’s face it if he can lie to the woman he loves, he can certainly deceive you and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Are you really so gullible that you believe he’s not intimate with her just because he tells you so? Have a bit of self-respect. Spare a thought for his wife: he’s cheating on her, and you’re allowing him to do it. Dump this man and find some-one available who will actually want to be with you and not just have you as a lover on the side, to pick up and drop to suit.

I wish you all the very best.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

Garbo agony auntIt could be lot of reasons such as comfort, entangled finances, thrill... Or simply your lover maybe lying about his wife, which is most often the case.

Cheating men most often tell a story how they feel neglected and unloved, but in reality neglect is not what motivates a male cheater to have sex with other women. Neglect or lack of being desired is what would motivate a woman to cheat but not a guy. Like any vice, cheating men have numerous possible reasons behind their cheating but neglect is not one of them. The neglect story is something they say to the woman with whom they cheat in order to obtain sex, and keep getting it.

Also, overwhelming number of married men enter an affair with clear goals of never to leave their wife. I suspect your married lover is the same: he will say anything just to make sure that you believe he loves you more then the woman he decided never to divorce for any other. As long as you believe that he loves you more then his wife, he is assured to have sex with you, hence his comment that he "cuddles" with his wife.

I'm not sure whether you'd regret, down the line, that you wasted your best years on a man who does not want to be with you but if I am to bet whether he will leave his wife for you, I'd stack all my cash that he never will.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015):

They don't have any physical contact at all....but I remember him saying that he accepted that,although I did find that a bit strange....Why am I with him? Because I'm bored with my life, I crave a sexual relationship and feeling wanted, yet I feel it's short lived when I don't see my lover that very much and he seems to be fine with that, like it's just the way it is, but I need to break away, it's hard when we have argued and split up but we always manage to get back together again,he's like a drug.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

YouWish agony auntThere's a big reason why he didn't like your question, and it's because in order to betray his wife, the one he's vowed to love, the woman for which he's built an entire life together with, he *has* to compartmentalize his life. When he's with you, he either ACTUALLY takes off his wedding ring, or he does it emotionally. His being with you CANNOT have anything to do with his being with her, and that includes sex.

This should tell you something else as well.

He has zero interest in leaving his wife, no matter what he's told you or how he's told you or any of the addictive dopamine rushes that happen with illicit affairs. Marriage is more than sex, and unfortunately, that's really ALL he wants his affair with you to be.

You know why you pressed the issue, don't you? You do realize that the more you press him to end his marriage, the closer you will get to being dumped. When his wife catches him, and she WILL, he will tell her that you mean nothing to him. He'll tell her you were just sex, and that you weren't the one who is important in his life. He'll disavow you to the kids he is hurting by being with you, and he will grovel to his wife, all the time diminishing your importance in his life to absolutely nothing.

I know this because I've seen it happen on here over and over and over. Once the married's spouse's illicit partner starts making demands and noises for more than illicit sex, the married spouse first says things to placate the mistress, then lie to her, then distance himself from her, then finally either he leaves her himself, or he'll get caught. When a mistress starts getting really restless, that's when being careful goes out the window...and all it takes is one tearful text message or call to the main phone, or bumping into him wherever he is, and that's that.

You're not going to get what you want. You'll get dumped even if his wife catches him. You're wasting your time with this guy. You can't. You'll spend the rest of your life lying to yourself about not regretting the years you spent being his mistress, but you'll know that giving your time to this guy is like taking stacks of $100 bills and lighting them on fire. You only have so much time in this world. You're caught in this and need to get out of it, with professional help if you can't find you can break free on your own.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhy doesn't he leave?

Because he doesn't WANT to leave. There might be things in his marriage he is bored with or unhappy about, but he rather cheat on his wife (with you) than fix them or leave.

And claiming that they only "cuddle"? You seriously believe that? Yes, of course you do, because it's convenient for you to believe and HE is such a truthful person, right?

I swear, I don't "get" why women settle for being some guy's dirty secret, why women (like you) settle for ANOTHER woman's sloppy seconds. Because THAT is what you are getting. No commitment, no faithfulness, and certainly not his "prime" time, no holidays, no being part of his family...

So instead of wondering his motivations, look a little closer to home?

WHY are YOU with him? What is your excuse?

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