A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok this is more of a friend relationship question. i have a slight issue with 2 friends. its like we are at school, ive known them over 20 years and they are 40 and 43 im 38 . the 40 yr old seems to bully the 43 yr old into doing everything her way even her mum said shes being bullied. one night we was out the 40 yr old left to go home an hour later my friend the 43 yr old couldnt find me in the pub (it wasnt that big) so left me and went home, the 40 yr old starts getting into the 43 yr olds head that i was the one that left the 43 yr old which she knows i didnt . shes doing and saying things to put me in a bad light its like she wants to claim this friend all to herself. shes really petty over alot of things and its doing my head in im avoiding nights out now because of how she is being and talking about me.the 43 yr old just goes along with sum stuff to avoid confrontation but feels she has to keep this 40 yr old friend as a close friend i think its because shes scared of her. how can i deal with her childish behavior apart from ditching her which does make it difficult with all the friends we have in common plus i want to avoid arguments i cant be bothered with them. im not jealous just incase anyone may think that but i dont understand why the 40yr old has to be nasty and want everything her way .
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 August 2015):
 I agree, separate yourself from the drama and distance yourself from the drama-llama.
Since you share many friends in common I would not "dump" the drama-llama just slowly stop being available to her.
If you still get along with the other one, avoid gossip and any chit-chat about the drama-llama - just switch topics. Keep doing that and the 43y/o will be smart enough to pick up on it.
Stepping away from the drama is your BEST option, right now.. you play HER game and it makes you look JUST as bad as her.
So drop the mic... and let her do her one-woman drama-llama show - in the end people will take notice.
Shame a bunch of grown ass ladies can't behave better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015): im the op , wise owl . we dont spend a lot of time together we dont see each other every week im not playing 'tug of war ' no need to be aggressive with ur reply 'grow the hell up'. i asked for advice how to step back in a nice way i dont get involved with the stuff being said i get told whats been said and leave it at that, im not a totally selfish person who wants arguments and causing problems which is what i would get because of the part i said (which i dont think u read) we have a lot of friends in common. shes a bully. clearly u cant have been in this position because ur trying to talk down at me not advise me. the 43 yr old tells me how she feels and doesnt like being bullied but keeps quiet yes some people dont speak up because they dont want hassle if this makes them a whimp then so be it. we dont all want to be mouthy and aggressive. im not trying to turn anyone against anyone either . i havent said to the 43 yr old that the 40 yr old is being like this she sees it herself but fears any backlash. when uved had friends for over 20 yrs you will understand and if u have then u should know it can make things harder cutting ties
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015): You must step-away, and avoid spending time with either of them.
Be an adult and remove yourself from the pettiness; and stop playing tug-of-war with the lady in the middle. You're all acting childish. This silliness often means you're spending too much time together; and you either need to expand your circle of friends, or cut ties altogether. If you were all teens, this would all make sense. But you're not!!!
You can't control how people think or feel. You can sway them; but eventually they'll use their own brains, and make their own decisions. If you want to appear innocent; then be innocent. Let the wimp in the middle be bullied and lead around by the nose. If you step out of it altogether, she will see the truth, and reach her own conclusions. Without you there to keep her confused and intimidated, being pulled to the left or to the right. If she's so dim-witted that she allows people to tell her what she sees, what kind of friend is that anyway?
You can only poison a smart mind so far. It's different with a dummy. They can't think for themselves; so they get knocked and dragged about. Take her aside, and tell her the truth. What's so hard about that? You're too busy trying to turn her against the other woman. That makes you just as bad. It's silly and childish amongst the whole lot of you females! Grow the hell up!
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