A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know what to anymore about my situation. I left my married lover because it was the right thing to do and it was hurting me. We are both military (one outranks the other) so it complicates things in terms of actually having a relationship in addition to his marital status. I was doing well after our nasty break u when i refused his friendship. Everything was fine for about 3 months until he popped up again wanting to talk to me about someone close to him committed suicide. In my head i'm like why isn't he confiding in his wife about this but he continued to tell me how i was always there for him and knew what to say to get him through. I remained silent, then he switched gears to tell me how i cross his mind everyday and how he beats himself up because of how things ended with him. He told me that I was his match and because of how deep things got, he didn't know what to do with those feelings and he was hurting because he knew he was going to lose me. He said he tried pushing me away to deal with it but it and do the right thing but it was so hard because of who I am. He said that he never meant to hurt me and that if he could do it over again he would never go this route because he valued the friendship more than anything. He then proceeded to tell me that there is something about me which is why he couldn't leave me alone and no matter what we will always a connection because we are like magnets. He asked me to give him a chance to make it up to me and give him a chance to be the man he was in the beginning. He told me he wants to come visit me for a week. Im just so confused in my emotions that I didn't understand why he is doing this and what it is that he wants. He isn't going to leave his wife and is still with her and continues to make social media posts about his feelings for her.... I dont understand, what is the purpose of all of this if he has no intentions of leaving his current situation? Please help me see so i dont fall back in... If i am being honest about all of this, i do miss him very much and it still hurts but i dont miss how much i hurt in all of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie
I understand what you are saying and i thought was being attacked after stated over and over again that I ended it because it was wrong. This was right after I found out he was married. I didn't have sex within after I found out he was married but yet people keep implying that I did. In that sense, wasn't wrong because I didn't know.
This is how I cope. Its nit healthy I know, but its the only way I know how to cope is through understanding. I am trying to find a better way which is why I reached out on here.
I didn't know that these were genuine responses to help me, I looked at it as people just being cruel, now that i know, i wont be so defensive..
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (1 May 2018):
 I picked up two new interesting facts from your follow up. One is that you did not willingly get into this affair. That usually means that there was some kind of deception. Commonly the married affair partner hides their married status from the unmarried affair. (I know this an assumption and I apologize for going ahead with it).
Second you say that it wasn't all about sex, in fact you barely had sex. That leads me to believe that it was an emotional affair. This changes my interpretations of his motives.
While emotional affairs can be less damaging, they are usually harder to break. His desire to continue as friends points to a strong emotional bond. So yes he still has "feelings" for you. He probably still feels protective of you. he is concerned for you. But the truth of those feelings is not important. What is important is that all of those feelings were born and raised in a bed of deceit and betrayal. They are full of conflict with his Other life. You are doing the right thing. If you can expose the affair without damaging yourself or your career, It would be the best thing to do.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 May 2018):
 OP, no one can read his mind.
Maybe he is a control freak who isn't happy that you "escaped" his little "love-triangle".
Maybe he is a narcissist who can't BELIEVE that a women turned him down.
One thing for sure is, HE isn't your friend. He isn't good for you OR your career. Do what that as you like.
When YOU focus on him and what HE might think, you are not MOVING on. YOU are not healing.
You need to come to a point where you can say, I made a mistake, I'm over it and done with it and STOP giving a single FUCK to what he might think. I get that you had and still HAVE some feelings for him but letting him ROAM free in your head will do absolutely NOTHING for you.
And I don't see people "attacking you" but trying to SHAKE some sense into you. Your post might have been about "what is he thinking so I can move on" but that is not how it reads. It reads like you are OK with him contacting you again, him wanting to visit and "fix " things... and people are TRYING to tell you there is nothing to fix that would benefit YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@wiseowlE
and to answer your questions.. how did he find me, well. We are both military, all you have to do is ask where someone is stationed or look them up in global and the information is there. Second, I did delete his number. When the number popped up on my caller id without a name, looking at the location, I assumed it was one of my troops. I never ignore numbers from that zip code due to promising that I would always be available to my troops if they ever needed me. I did not memorize his number so I wouldn't have know it was him either way.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2018):
 Come on, OP- HE calls it coming back " as a friend ". But he is not the most sincere person in the world, ( it figures, being a cheater ) and you can't exactly take what he says for solid -as - gold truth. You have tried that friendship thing already, and it did not work too well, did it ? ( I remember your story, even if not every single detail ). As soon as you expected from him something more than casual fun, and wanted the same level of companionship, attention, communication,- the things you would actually ask and get from a true friend- he pulled back as fast as lightning , leaving you high and dry, and mad as hell.
Then again, he would not have many chances of success, I imagine, if he said " I want to come back as a guy who visits you for a week, gets laid, gets some thrills, ego boost, a break from marital routine, - then goes home to his wife, see ya, thanks that was fun, we'll have to do it again some other time ! ".
I don't see that your geographic location makes any big difference. ( There's people who travels from Europe to Thailand or Brazil- just to get laid ! And they even have to pay for their hotel and meals, which he should not have to do )
In fact, for him it's best that you are far away ! He can come and
" visit ", have his little erotic adventure, and go home shaking off you, your expectations, feelings, wants and needs like water off a duck's tail.
If he wants ,he can even blame a cruel destiny, which keeps you phisically separated ! Yeah, it's all geography's fault ! Because if you lived closer, THEN your beatiful , pure " friendship " could thrive and grow , and he could be your ( married ) knight in shining armour, your rock, your twin flame . But destiny, alas ....
Do I have proof of what I say ? No, of course. It's just my opinion. But ,you see, that's the point. When you, or any other poster, ask questions like " Why X is doing this " and " What is X really thinking when he says etc. etc. ? "
the ONLY person who could answer would be X . Because he is the only one in the world who knows the real reason why.
Anybody else , including Dear Cupiders, can only offer you a guess. Often not just a wild guess, a random guess; more often it's an educated guess, based on experience, law of probability, logic, common sense , and the dispassionate, unemotional analysis of the previous facts that have lead to the poster's question.
Some times, like in your case, clearly it's not the guess that the OP wants to hear , so they start splitting hair ,quibbling and shooting down the advice they get ONLY because they expected or hoped for something different, more in line with what they already had in mind. But if you already know the answer, and if you are not even willing to just consider as possible the answers you get , then why asking in the first place ?
As for the scant comprehension you complain you have got in this thread :
yes, obviously your sexual and moral conduct is no skin off our nose . You have to justify and defend your choices only in front of your own conscience and of your God if you have one- surely not in front of the DC community.
But , please, let's be precise and call a spade a spade.
" We assume that you got yourself WILLINGLY in this situation, and this is not the case "...
Why this is not the case ?!
Were you unconscious? Drugged ? Physically incapacitated ? mentally insane ? Have you been raped ? Did this guy threaten you at gun point, did he blackmail you ? None of these ?... Then you got yourself in this WILLINGLY.
If you know that the guy is married , yet you decide you don't care and CHOOSE to have sex / an affair with him, this is a willing choice- you do it because you want to do it. You always had the freedom to make a different choice ; you could just have said no .
How this might help you healing ? Much more than you think.
Healing begins when you own your actions , get out of victim mode and accept your responsibility for , at the very least, co-creating the problem you are facing.
Because, same as you could make wrong choices which caused bad consequences , now you have the power to fix that by making instead better choices which will have better consequences.
Decide what's right for you - and stick to it. Simple. No confusion necessary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@codewarriorDid you read your response? It is confusing actually. If I took my feelings out of this and looked at this objectively from a man's perspective and from most situations like this, don't end with the married man chasing after his "other woman" He either leaves the other woman because he realizes that his wife is who he truly wants, or if the other woman leaves, he goes back to his wife as though nothing ever happened. That is not happening in this case. Im far away, out of sight and he is still pursuing me. Everyone says he just wants sex but if i'm not there how is he supposed to get sex from me? If you were a cheating married man, would you attest to be bothered with a woman who isn't there? would you attempt to make plans to travel across the country to see "the other woman" if she is just a "side piece" Im pretty sure you WOULDN'T and the moment she went away, she would be an afterthought... and you would go back to your family as though nothing ever happened. am I right?HE is obviously not doing that..This is not typical behavior. That is my confusion, that is what I didn't understand. I just want to understand because from everything I know about these situations, these things dont happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@wiseowlEI understand everything that you are saying and i'm not offended. I just didn't understand some of the responses. Most responses were under the assumption that I willingly got involved with a married man. I did not. I did NOT know he was married when I met him, nor did I know he was a subordinate. Once I found out, I ended it! It was hard! because unfortunately I had feelings for him but as I said before, it was wrong so I did what was right and ended it. I just didn't understand why he is still pursuing this when 1, i ended it, 2, im far away, and 3 he has a whole life with his wife that he should be focused on. That is what i wanted to understand... I never agreed to be his friend, i was just sharing what he said. Yes, i miss him because I am human but HE doesnt know that. "The responses also apply to others who may benefit from the sound advice everyone took their time to provide you."I can respect that, I never looked at it that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): When you write for advice, you have to be open-minded. If you wanted sugar-coated platitudes and people to insult your intelligence, we weren't aware.
Nobody's perfect. We're all here helping people; because we have been through much of the same as you have. However; too many excuses are made to justify doing things we know are wrong. Arrogance and a strong since of entitlement can lead us to rationalize and justify anything we do. Anything!
You don't own your questions. You publicized them to an open forum. The responses also apply to others who may benefit from the sound advice everyone took their time to provide you.
Why would you want to even consider the friendship of a man who cheats on his wife with no conscience or shame about it?
The friendship would have to be kept in secret; which means it has nothing to give it validity and justification to see the light of day. It would be behind his wife's back! Betrayal to her trust. Missing him shouldn't even occur to you as a thought.
I answered your question frankly and honestly; with hopes I would shake even the least inclination to let him back into your life. Once he gets one foot in, he will charm his way right back in. What's the use of friendship, if it's not close?
I don't care how far away he is. You didn't shut-off all means of contact, now did you? Missing him wouldn't be a problem if he had no idea where you are. Out of sight, out of mind.
How was he able to find you? The minute his name or number appeared on caller ID, he should have been blocked. He just popped-up?!! Sorry to have offended you, but I hope someone else in your situation benefits from my advice.
Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must say that I extremely appalled at the comments I received as if I didn't beat myself up enough over this. I know that i specifically said that It was wrong and that I ended it because of that. I never said anything about letting him back in. I moved away from him and all I am asking is clarification as to why he is still trying to come back when I am no longer there. No I did not put every little detail into this post but its him who is running after me after I ended it. I felt the need to say this again. I also never said anything about me believing that he will leave his wife and in knowing that is what makes it harder to understand this push of him wanting me to let him back in as a "friend" as he calls it. I have blocked him from all social media and yet he still asking people about me.If getting back into my pants is his goal, I don't see how that is possible if I'm on the other side of the country. He wants to come see me, not the other way around... and yes he is still married, running after another woman who isn't even in the same vicinity as him....I am very honest in this post by admitting that i miss him but i also said that did not miss how I felt in this affair. I ask these things to help me heal, nit for judgement or ridicule because again you don't know all the details. you ASSUME that I willingly got Into this situation, and that I'SNT the case. Its easy for people to point fingers as though they are perfect when the same exact thing could happen to anyone of you. I made a mistake and I never denied that nor did I say I was innocent. Not everything is about sex, (we barely had sex) neither is every affair but none of that is neither here nor there.To reiterate im asking for understanding to help me heal. If you feel you can help me with that without assumptions and misguided badgering then I'd be happy to hear. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 May 2018):
I agree with the other posters, particularly with N91. It's not such a deep mystery ! it does not take Hercule Poirot or Nero Wolfe to solve it !
He wants to get laid. It worked just fine for him and it was great fun when he had both a wife AND a mistress- the best of both worlds. Now he only has a wife and ,if possible , he would like to bring things back to when he had a mistress too.
Anyway- what do you care WHY. He will have his own reasons but they should not concern you, whatever they are.
3 months ago you broke up " because it was the right thing to do ". In this 3 months nothing has changed ( he is still married, he is still not going to leave his wife , there is still a rank difference which could damage your career ) so being broken up is STILL the right thing do do - no matter which b.s. he chooses to feed you.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (1 May 2018):
 Because he wants sex on the side of his marriage again?
Is it really that hard to understand? You gave it him in the past and he wants it again. It’s not rocket science.
Block, delete and move on with your life. Want more for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): It's his enormous ego. Some assholes want polygamous relationships. They use one person to birth their kids, create an image of stability, and to make them feel loved unconditionally. They stay married to avoid the costs of divorce, the expense of two separate households; and of course, there are child-custody and support issues they'd rather avoid. So, the girl on the side has her purpose.
The other woman is for sexual-kicks. His f*ck-buddy or friend with benefits. His alternate he turns to; to spite his wife when they disagree. A spare vagina when he gets tired of the one he married. His playmate away from home. You're recreational-sex, and he respects his wife more than he respects you. If at all. All that sweet-talk is bullshit.
He's not leaving his wife. I'm not going to preach to you.
You know better.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2018):
 He’s hoping the affair doesn’t come to light and that he can keep his benefits. Also he likes that you are so weak mentally that he can make you his hostage.
If you need more of a wake up call contact his CO!
OP, do you need services to figure this out? I hope you get the help needed to make sensible decisions!
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (1 May 2018):
The purpose of all this is he wants back in your pants. If you remember that you want fall back in with this creep and you know that’s what he is.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (1 May 2018):
 OP, you're a little too old to be playing innocent. You must know why he wants you back. He misses the thrill, the excitement, the sneaking around and of course the sex. He may care for you, but its very unlikely he'll leave his wife for you. BLOCK him every way that you can and stay away. You aren't some little school girl, you are a grown woman and you know better. Love and respect yourself enough to keep him in the rear view mirror and keep going forward. Don't be some man's afternoon delight when you deserve far better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): He has no intention of leaving his wife, in fact he acts like he loves her on social media and in his mind he does, you are someone he wants the extra thrill with, the sex he should not be having. You are old enough to know what the score is here, don't degrade yourself and let this man come back into your life, you are worth more than that.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (30 April 2018):
Solid advice all around. Due to my participation in this kind of message board, I get some very strange book recommendations from Amazon. Recently I stumbled in to a batch of books for women in relationships, or contemplating relationships with married men. I think you have learned most of the hard lessons described in those books, but many women find some comfort in learning that they are not alone in this experience.
I want to try to answer the question in your title rather than advise you. The question "Why does my ex married lover want to fix things." Of course we have no window into his thoughts, but based on patterns of people who stray in their marriage we can take an educated guess.
Generally cheaters have affairs, and continue affairs because it is a thrill. The risk of being caught is an Adrenalin rush. With your military connection the risk is doubled. He is addicted to that rush, and like any addict he is looking for another fix.
Unfortunately the risk of exposure is as great for you as it is for him. If not you could spoil his thrill by exposing him. This is best done without warning and broadly, as in you don't just tell his Wife, you tell his friends and his family. This scale of betrayal, destroys the bond of intimately shared secrets you have. It also destroys the thrill of getting away with it. My understanding is that such a disclosure would destroy your military career So I DO NOT recommend this for you.
I hope this helps you to understand why he is doing this. It will stop when you block his access to you, and he finds a new thrill partner.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (30 April 2018):
 You know you are worth more than being someone's bit on the side. Words are cheap, worth zilch unless they are backed up with something more substantial. He is bombarding you with all this to grind you down, in the hope you will crumble and allow the affair to restart. You already know the pain involved if you do this.
You know he is still with his wife and has no intention of leaving her. In fact, he flaunts his feelings for her on social media. Put yourself in this woman's shoes. How would you feel if your husband was all lovely dovey to your face but bonking someone else behind your back?
You sound like a sensible strong woman who knows her worth. Block him so he can't niggle away at you and stick to your decision to end the affair, because you know it was the right thing to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): "I dont understand, what is the purpose of all of this if he has no intentions of leaving his current situation?"
He wants to keep getting laid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): As for your last lines: what are his intentions?
If feels wonderful to be loved. It can feel wonderful to get a lot of attention. It can feel wonderful to have a lot of sex.
He's trying to have more than he has a right to. His wife would probably be heartbroken if she found out about you; there's a reason he's keeping you a secret.
And he doesn't mind you feeling the pain knowing that you'l never be the only one.
Basically, he's getting a lot out of both of you, and for some reason, he doesn't mind that this situation that benefits him causes other people pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): Wow -- the things you say he said to you recently all sound really nice, the types of things that someone normally says when they have deep feelings and really care. But the fact that he says all this and is still married, that he started the relationship with you to begin with when he was already married, has no plans to leave, makes a fool of his wife (or of you) by advertising their great marriage on social media, and let's not forget, was "nasty" to you during the breakup all seems to me to indicate pretty clearly that he's not a good guy. Where are his ethics? Really--what are they? His basic concern his wife? His basic concern for you? What's the "code" that he's following when he deals with people?The main theme seems to be that he's self serving.The fact that he's willing to deeply hurt his wife and, whether she knows it now or later, humiliate her, with an affair, and hurt you by pursuing you when he's married, then be nasty to you when you do the normal thing and break it off, to me casts a huge shadow of doubt on the nice things he's saying now. What kind of person is he deep down? He's getting the attention of two women--he's enjoying himself and doesn't mind hurting those women. Forget the pang of happiness of having him back--do you actually want someone like that to begin with?Remember, in all likelihood that poor woman thinks she has someone in her life who really loves her, who thinks she's a special person, that she has someone to depend on in thick and thin. That she's not alone. She doesn't and that's really sad. For a nice guy, it would turn his stomach to see her live under this illusion. If he can live with that icky feeling, I wouldn't trust how he'll ultimately treat you.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 April 2018):
He is hoping to reel you back in to the affair.
What he is doing is basically love-bombing you, flattery, compliments making you out to be ALL that he needs and blah blah blah.
It makes YOU doubt if breaking up was the right thing to do and whether he is serious and whehter he is right.
what it comes down to, OP
HE is still married.
He doesn't want to leave his wife.
YOU have absolutely NOTHING to gain from keeping the contact going, from meeting up with him or having ANYTHING to do with him.
So STICK to your reason for ending it. You said:" I left my married lover because it was the right thing to do and it was hurting me."
Have any of that changed?
No. It's STILL the right thing to NOT have anything to do with him.
And you would STILL be hurting (again) if you gave him another chance.
He hasn't found someone else "foolish" enough to get into an affair with him (who knows if he has even tried) my guess is he has. OR he knows that you are easily convinced by sweet nothings.
HE can't commit.
You would ALWAYS be a dirty secret.
You would NEVER be welcome in his family or around his kids.
You would ALWAYS be on the sideline.
You know it's a mistake to even talk to him. Missing him is not an excuse to make the SAME stupid mistake over and over. You know better. So DO better.
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