A
female
age
51-59,
*nonymous mom
writes:I am at my wit's end trying to understand my 21 year old daughter. We both took a chemistry class (when she was 18) together in college (at my daughter's request), and met a 40 year old professor who had, just 1 month prior to taking the class, filed for divorce and was in a custody battle for his 2 children (ages 5 and 8).We completed the class in Dec '07 (little did I know that they were having late night phone conversations about 1/2 way through the class). My daughter asked me and her dad (she was still living at home at the time) if she could have him over. We 'reluctantly agreed' only due to everyone telling us she was 18 and we thought it would be short lived. After all, all she was asking was if he could come over one afternoon and we were unaware of her talking to him for hours in the evening on her cell.After about 1 month, we started to display our opinion of the situation (learning as we went as well) that he was still 'technically married' due to his divorce not being final and he had 2 children and was showing an interest in our daughter who could be his daughter (at least, chronologically). She rebelled and continued to speak to him on the phone, but we disallowed him to come to our home and asked him to leave her alone. He 'rebelled' as well and did not respect our wishes with her.As time passed, we still believed it would be short lived. After all, what could he offer her? She was 18 and he was 40. (I was 41, btw. Her father was 44).By the summer, it was still not over (class was Aug-Dec '07). Our daughter had spoken of the fact that he could not have visits with his children without supervision, so I began to research him on my own time. I pretty much freaked when I found out that he had a restraining order against him from his ex (I took this as a possible divorce that went bad and dismissed it to some degree), but then I came across another restraining order against him from a 24 y/o girl who accused him of stalking her. Also, the divorce file was already pretty thick. I did not find out, however, why the children were not allowed to see him. I only knew he was required to have supervised visits with him. That fact lasted for an entire year.When I brought this to the attention of my daughter, she stated, "I already know about that. That girl was crazy". And, of course, she was irate that I 'looked' him up at the court house. She said that I didn't know him like she did and I should mind my own business.She progressively grew more agitated with us (her parents). She insulted her upbringing as not giving her enough freedom, etc. She acted more and more isolated from us and her younger brothers and was truly hateful at times towards us. Meanwhile, she was on the phone continuously with this guy.Everyone I reached out to for advice said the same thing....she will get tired of being rebellious or he will tire of her....just put up with it because she is an adult anyway.So, by Feb '08, we had enough of her rudeness and basic non-existence with our dailly lives (however, she was a full-time student the entire time). We told her she needed to either stay living at home under our rules (which meant not spending the night where we don't know where you are) or you could leave and go do what you want somewhere else. She left that night in the middle of the night.For a year (yes, a year), we did not have her address. We knew (or assumed) she was with him. But, the man didn't have an address on record anywhere due to him moving to different homes for sale that he would house-sit until they sold. His driver's license had the address of the ex-wife on it, for instance. He didn't own a cell phone either.I called the college where he work(ed)/s and told them the story. They didn't care. But, they told him I called. And, of course, my daughter found out within a couple of hours. I was hated for it. In Jun '09 she came home (pregnant) only to visit us (not to move back) and I thought to make up with us to some degree. She did not have any maternity clothes. So, we purchased some for her. I was invited to come to the birth of the baby. The night before the birth, she told me where she lived.I went. It was very difficult for me as I wanted to punch the guy the whole time. Jun '10 she called us frantic because he had 'thrown her against the wall'. She would not file a report. She moved out of his home and into ours. The baby was 4 months old. We took her in. We gave her a room and helped her with the baby for about 3 weeks. After 3 weeks went by, she turned to her Feb'07 type of behavior with being mean and insulting her family on a daily basis. If I didn't help her fast enough with the baby, she would yell at me. I finally got tired of it and told her that I didn't understand why she has to be so mean. Her reply, 'You never do anything for me'. HUH? WTF? I truly didn't understand her response. She continued to complain about her life as a child with us (which I believe is coming from HIM). She left in a huff, once again, and now 'the guy' doesn't want her living there either (because it isn't good for his custody case). Yes, he is STILL in a custody battle.I am trying to understand her hatred for her family and why she doesn't see him for what he is? Someone today told me to look up 'svengali', which is usually an older man controlling a younger woman, and research the therapies for it. I'm having trouble finding out much about it.Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just called her (she left about a week ago now), to see where she was (she has cell phone that we gave her due to we were scared to have her not have one with his background). And, I said, 'I just wanted to know where you ended up'. She said, 'i'll call you back' since the cell phone was on low battery. She called a few moments later and said 'now you know because of the caller id'. I said, 'ok, I know where you are right now, but is that where you are staying'? She said, 'I don't know!!! Why do you suddenly care?!!!!' I calmly said, 'I'll let you go now'.At least I know where she is at this moment. But, he isn't taking her in like she wants. And, she is too proud to admit that he is a jerk.Any other moms out there or anyone who could steer me in the direction of understanding her psyche? I truly don't know why she began the relationship in the first place. It went against every moral fiber we taught her. And, she had everything a girl could ask for...so I thought.
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex, living at home, moved out, older man, stalking Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 July 2010):
My friend, I feel for you. I know a girl who did this, and it all went wrong for her. Her parents we so hurt by her that when she came back, they actually closed the door on her. I don't even know what happened to her in the end. Girls, especially, are prone to this. You don't often hear about boys doing this. I believe the most basic reason is that girls like to believe two things. 1 - That they can change a man. 2 - They they are far more mature than they really are. I think both of these apply to your daughter. She was swept off her feet by this man who has manipulated her (and he really, really did). And he's no doubt managed to convince her that you're the bad party here. There is a way you can handle this. Well, three ways, depending on which you feel like choosing. 1 - She says you don't care. That means that somewhere along the line, she was feeling rejected for some reason. I'm not saying you're bad, but that's the way it seems to her. So, next time she calls, ask her EXACTLY what she wants you to do about it. Ask her what she expects of you. And listen to her. If you put all the responsibility on her to come out and say what she wants, knowing that you will listen, maybe she will say something.2 - Just be there with the tissues for when it goes wrong and say nothing about it. If you say nothing and you're just there as a parent, she has nothing to rebel against, nothing to argue. Again, it might open her up. 3 - The last stand, you might say. She has a child with this man, and this man is hitting her. So, for the sake of the child, tell the police and inform the social services that the child is in danger because of this man. Show all his records to the police. That won't save your daughter, but you might be able to save her child from abuse. This is really the panic button though, and should be used only to protect your grandchild. I think your best bet is option one to start with. She thinks she's all grown up? Well then put all the responsibility on her, and the next time she says something, ask her what she wants you to do about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): I cant even begin to imagine how you must feel and I am truly sorry. Unfortunately I found that in these situation there really isn't anything you can do but be there when it all blows up. I have been in this situation before, with my sister and no matter what my family did or said she stayed with him and others like him after the fact. She needs to know that you are there for her and that you don't care about her being with this man, even if you do. Let her know that you are there if she and her baby need you and hopefully she will come to you. Trust that you raised her well. I have come to realize that people are going to do what they want regardless. I know it's hard to just sit and watch her make mistakes but you really have no other option. Just try to be in her life as much as you can and be supportive of her and her baby. She needs you more than she knows. Also do NOT rule out postpartum depression she may be having problems with that as well. Just a side note in my experience when someone sides with a person not good for them it's because they feel lost and feel no one else is there for them.
...............................
|
