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Why does my boyfriend have to say hello to every young blonde woman that he sees?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 June 2019) 12 Answers - (Newest, 16 June 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I been with my boyfriend for two years now but every time we are out walking when a young woman passes by he says hello I don't understand this as I don't say hello to random young men or women passing by and it really winds me up. He says he's just being polite but its always him speaking first and young blonde women I am blonde myself. He says he's not going to stop doing it even when I asked him to stop. Its putting me off him as I feel there's no need for it. After he does it he ask if I'm ok is he trying to wind me up

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2019):

OP-the advice here has been so valuable and its really helped me realise I am being manipulated by boyfriend and I don't think a relationship should be like that. Its meant to show love and care not create unhappiness. I cant thank you all enough for your help

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 June 2019):

Honeypie agony auntHe isn't going to stop.

THAT much is certain, he even told you that.

Yes, I think you are overreacting. But I also think he does needle you on purpose. Because HE knows it bothers you.

DOES it make you FEEL like you are "replaceable" with a younger version of you? Since you point out the blond younger women?

My guess is that he ALSO greet other people, they just don't bother you.

Do you want him to stop saying hello to ALL strangers or just the blond young ones? I mean you see how ODD that sounds, right?

If he LIKES to play these kind of games and you don't then DON'T play along or, decide if dating someone who gets a kick out of needling you is REALLY what you want in your life. Now if he was leering and ogling the young blond women, tongue hanging out kind of leering, I'd kick him to the curb. Because that is just gross. Not just towards YOU his partner but the young women in question.

Maybe it's just me, but I would join in and say hi EVERY time he does (when you are with him) kind of make the hello a proper GREETING and nothing more, and who knows he might stop doing it to STOP you from saying hello to younger blond women...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019):

I don’t understand how people can say you are overreacting . He is not simply saying hello as some put it . He is selecting a only particular women oof a certain type of appearance ONLY to say hello to . This suggests an agenda and not simply an interest in greeting strangers.

If he were friendly to ALL strangers and some blonde younger women happened to be included in that group then yes sure that’s no big deal but this is not the case . His actions say that the only people he deems worthy of his attention and hellos are women who meet his certain criteria which happens to be young and blonde .

I would likely ask him why he doesn’t greet the more mature gentleman or woman or even brunette?

Ask him to explain his reasons . If he is unable or unwilling to engage in a conversation about why he is valuing women based on their appearance then perhaps he needs to understand that your interested in a man go sees women as more than t and a . ( or in his case youth and hair colour )

I’d say it comes down to whether he is willing to have an adult conversation about this or not and if not I would honestly save myself the heartache and leave him to his life of categorising women by their looks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019):

OP- thanks for all the replies here it seems the jurys out on this as 3 people say I am in the wrong and overeacting and 3 people say he is being unreasonable towards me. I get that if he knew these people he would say hello and chat but these are random people mainly young women he doesn't know. it seems he goes out of his way to make eye contact and say hello.

I think I will eventually go off him over this. main reason not what he is doing but more the fact he laughed in my face over it and said hes not stopping even though I find it hurtful. if he doesn't respect my feelings then how can he expect me to feel in love with him and want him give myself to him put faith and trust in him, hes going to lose me for good

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019):

The guy's a dick. He doesn't owe anybody politeness or acknowledgment. They're strangers. Who gives a fuck if he smiles or not? Certainly not them! He is doing it on purpose to upset you. How mean!! If I were you I'd start smiling and saying hello to everyone good looking guy who walks by you when you're with this selfish jerk! See how he LIKES IT!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019):

I so agree with the last poster. She can recognise what is going on here, whereas most are just looking at it from a superficial perspective.

This has nothing to do with an attraction to these women, or from a wish to cheat with them. It is not that they are competition.

This is ALL about how he's trying to make his girlfriend feel.

If he was saying hi to everyone in a friendly fashion, then only the most extremely insecure person would have a problem with that. But this is not what it's about. The fact that he is showing an interest in ONLY women who look like his girlfriend, makes this very obviously, intentional, controlling and manipulative behaviour to lessen his girlfriend's confidence.

When you have had abusive relationships, you can see these things from miles away. Others, who have never had this kind of experience, don't tend to recognise what's going on.

Again, dear OP, he has no interest in these women. Only in trying to make you feel lousy about yourself. And the fact that he asks if you are ok after he's done it, makes it certain in my opinion, that he is trying to get a rise out of you. And it's a difficult position to be in, because you either say 'No I'm not ok' and then you're the bad guy. Or you stay quiet, then you're the bad guy and in a mood. Or you say, 'Yes, I'm fine' to stop any nasty altercation and THERE, he has you! Accepting behaviours that you don't like to keep the peace. And so it begins.

I think you know what kind of a guy you're with. Whether you want to stay and suffer his stupid games, is up to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019):

Because you are writing from the UK, I can recognise the kind of UK man you are referring to and I know that this is not normal, or healthy behaviour for a UK person. No disrespect, but many respondents here are writing from different countries and I'm not sure they can recognise this as a certain kind of male behaviour in the UK.

Yes, 100% he is winding you up. BUT bear in mind he is not doing it for fun. This is the kind of small act of manipulation / domination that I've seen in many British men and it NEVER stops just at that. It's a way of beginning to undermine your confidence and it will extend into other things. Believe me, it won't stop there. It's also incredibly immature and very disrespectful to you. This 'man' has not grown up. If he had, he would have no need at all to do this and then tell you, no two ways about it, that he is not going to stop and you have to accept it.

The next stages will be things like watching porn before you go to bed - and he refuses to stop. Or it will be things like going out whenever he likes, regardless of what you are going through - and he refuses to stop. Then it will be things like insisting on going on holiday with his friends even when you haven't been away together for years.- and he's not going to stop. If you have children, he may not lift a finger to help because he's been at work all day and wants to get drunk with his mates - and he's not going to stop. Then it could be things like hitting you when you challenge him about his behaviour - and he's not going to stop.

It's not only the behaviour in saying hello to blondes, it's the refusal to stop doing it that's an indicator of what an immature and misogynist idiot this guy is.

I'd run a mile. I've known exactly this kind of behaviour before. It wears you down and plays on your mind and it escalates over time. You are sensing something important - be thankful that at least you still have that capacity because this is exactly what his behaviour will zap out of you if you stay around. Get rid of him and then he can say hello to as many blondes as he likes, for the rest of his immature life, whilst you go off and actually live a life with someone who really respects and loves you.

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A female reader, Rhodendron Canada +, writes (13 June 2019):

Wow now I am pretty old fashioned in general and don't like flirting while in a relationship but I have to say you are over-reacting.

He SHOULD say hello to each passerby. He is right that it is the only polite thing to do. And by the way, where are your manners? You should be doing the same!!!

Are you SURE he ONLY does it to young blonde women? Or is it that you only NOTICE when they are young and blonde because your jealousy is already triggered?

I would watch carefully and see if he greets most people who simply are looking up/ looking friendly on the street.

I do not like rude people and I would find it very rude to take a stroll through my neighbourhood and NOT be greeted hello by other couples strolling.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2019):

He's flirting. If he targets a type and specifically female; it's meaningless flirting. If you've told him that it bothers you, and he tells you he isn't going to stop regardless; then I guess the ball is in your court.

You're boyfriend and girlfriend; so the rules are flexible concerning greetings and politeness towards members of the opposite-sex. I guess you have to check your insecurity. He's with you, and it's obvious to everyone that you're together. He's not engaging them in conversation.

He doesn't seem to show particular attention to brunettes or redheads, strictly young blondes. It's up to you what you're willing to tolerate in a boyfriend. He's a grown-man and you can't tell him whom he can and can't say hello to. You've put-up with it for two years; so it's part of the routine when you're out and about.

If you trust him, and he hasn't exchanged phone numbers or gone past polite smiles and hellos; I guest you should just take a chill-pill. From now on, smile when a handsome fella makes eye-contact. The rules you impose on yourself about greeting random strangers doesn't project onto your boyfriend; unless he wants to stop saying hello to random young blonde females. At least you know redheads and brunettes are no competition!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 June 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf he acknowledged everyone while out and about, I would say he is just a very friendly guy. However, the fact that he targets young women with blonde hair would make me question his motives.

The important thing here is that you are already starting to go off him. How long before you go off him completely?

In your shoes I would sit him down and ask him outright why he feels the need to do what he does, then LISTEN to what he has to say. If the answer does not put your mind at rest, walk away. Whether he has ulterior motives or not is not really relevant. What is relevant is that you don't feel comfortable with his behaviour so he is not right for you. Someone else may not have a problem with him doing this but there is no point in you wasting your time on someone who acts in a way which makes YOU uncomfortable. We all have different likes and dislikes. Find someone who does not make you uncomfortable with his behaviour.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2019):

Hi

If he is only saying hello to young, blonde women then yes I think he is trying to wind you up. This is TOTALLY different to someone being sociable and saying hi to people they know and stop for a chat. This is showing you that he is still on the 'lookout' and interested in young blonde women, if this is the ONLY people he says hello to. He knows it would wind you up as it would anyone, because he is showing disrespect to you and that he is 'noticing' every blonde woman that walks by.

Yes, I think his intention is to wind you up and piss you off.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 June 2019):

Honeypie agony auntOP, that is crazy that he can't say hi to a passer by without you going nuts. Seriously!

And the reason he won't stop is because you are acting like an insecure control freak.

My husband is the same in that regard, he will say hello if someone looks familiar or they look back at him. He also stops a MILLION times when we are out and about if he runs into teachers, kids or parents he knows (he volunteer at the HS more than I do so he knows many more people there than I do). It doesn't bother me at all. HE is more social than I am. I either just smile, say hello and join in, or keep moving.

What EXACTLY is that you think is SO horrible about his actions of saying hi?

And how does it ACTUALLY affect you - part from him not "obeying your orders" of whom he can say hi to and whom he can't?

I think you are overreacting and being a drama llama.

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