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Why does my boyfriend avoid talking about our future?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 December 2005) 12 Answers - (Newest, 28 November 2007)
A female , anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We both say we love each other, yet he never will bring up the future. Whenever I try to, he always says he does not know if we will be dating. We are both in our twenties and I just want to make sure that he is as serious about me as I am about him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007):

i feel that mens r worried about saying yes about the future, because they love messing about with girls all the time, and they cant trust each other to stay with one man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007):

Well, twenty is pretty young. But then again I'm 46 and it seems that my 20's were not so long ago. My point is, it is not wise for even young women to squander time with men who are afraid to love them the way they deserve to be loved. That time could be spent cuddled up with another someone who worships the ground you walk on. Don't settle for stale bread crumbs...when just a little self-discipline and faith in yourself you can have cake...WEDDING CAKE! Check out the book why men marry bitches by Sherry Argov. Very enlightening. Several of the posters here had some pretty solid advice. If he wants to "cool it" then bring the ice and call me polar bear, baby! Just go back to being his date, but remain polite and pleasant. I repeat, remain polite, calm and pleasant. And absolutely get your own life back, your own hobbies and your own friends. You'll need your foundation back under you. When a 20 something guy starts talking about "we'll see" and let's wait, I think the spectre of, "I can do better than her" is in the air. I'm sorry, honey. But this is the kind advice a doting aunt or grandmother would give you. Stay strong, and know that you are whole and completely enough without a man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007):

it means ur wastin ur time,if a man does not tlk about the future its a red flag for long term relationship

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007):

See with a man's point of view marriage is a trap the fastest way to get you're future going is to move in with eachother ..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006):

I sympothize with you, because I am in the same situation.

You might have made the same mistake as I did. That is, we made it too easy for our partners. Men are hunters. They desire/cherish their prize more if they have to work for it.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do at this time because the pattern has been set. He already got you. Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free. It is harsh... but true.

So my two cents are, distant yourself a bit, behave more like "I am just going out with you" rather than "I am your girlfriend, with full benefit" and start getting back your hobbies, getting back in touch with your friends, start doing things without him.

In short, you know deep down if this relationship is going to work or not. Be independent. Learn from the mistake and MOVE ON!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2006):

well if he doesn`t like to talk about the furture then just say why in the world you think we will not be together for us to have a furture together he should not be thinking about that at the age of 20

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006):

He's just taking his time. Don't rush things. I agree, it does not mean he does not love you, but love is not enough to get married and have a family. There are other factors into building a healthy, solid foundation. And most men, never want to talk about the future straight away because both head and heart must be in harmony. As I said, there are so many components to having a foundation. so, take it easy, relax, don't bring up the future and if the man really won't budge, leave. Because I am sure someone else will give you what you want.

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A female reader, Virginiaac +, writes (21 December 2005):

You have asked him and discussed this question with him and he has said, he is not sure. So what is the problem? He is obviously not serious about the relationship. If you are happy with that, stay with him. If you are not happy, find someone else.

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A male reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (21 December 2005):

Mr.Ed agony auntCommunicatrix said it best. Back off sister and re-evaluate yourself and your situation. Pressing is not desirable from either partner. Communication is the foremost in a commitement. I know that whenever my fiancee presses for something I do desire her less because she is wanting something that I may not be able to give her at that moment. I don't think he loves you anyless or he would have been gone long ago. But, try to set your boundries and see if he can line his with yours. Like say if "we havent made a commitement by 18 months to have some sorta future then I think we should work on splitting. Then he should understand that there's no pressure today; but definately get his priorities straight by tommorow. That approach works best if he doesn't have to make it right now and yet you have planted the seed or food for thought in his head. Now he will think long and hard about what he's going to do and either answer you question or make a plan. Given the situation on hand he should make a commitement to leave or stay with terms appropriate for you. I'm glad that you asked this question because to many times we rush things and I know I did. Now that I have waited for a long time; I have found the one I'm truly in love with. If I had rushed things for all the other relationships I'd have been married and divorced probably 6 times. Also ask your inner self is this really what you want. If so I say go for it. My answer is always YES nowdays. Before it was always MAYBE! Good luck to ya. Ed

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005):

Usually after a year, most couples do discuss a future. If you and him have been dating seriously and exclusively for one year, then I think it's time for you to be very clear with him and ask if this relationship has a future. Tell him you love him but you need a future. If he is unable to come through, move on because he's wasting your time and I think your young man might be saying that he is not ready to give his personal commitment to you. Some men will string along two, five, ten, fifteen years in a relationship without commitment. It is easier for them not to change things. Go ahead-let him know how you feel...never be afraid to let your loved one know what you expect.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005):

Maybe he has a healthy outlook. You are both young. What do you want? What does serious mean? How have you resolved arguments, dealt with difficult situations together, etc. Do you know for sure you want more from him? You have all the time in the world to make a lasting relationship. There is no rush. Enjoy yourselves without all the complications marriage and family brings. No matter how much two people love each other, creating a family changing everything instatnly and forever.

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A reader, communicatrix +, writes (20 December 2005):

communicatrix agony auntWomen tend to decide much earlier on whether they see a relationship lasting or not. Some of this is because we tend to *want* long-term relationships more than men and so spend more time prepping: deciding what we want in a mate, learning to discern quickly whether a person could be a potential mate, etc.

But I also think we sometimes decide too quickly whether we are in our out. Instead of using the dating period to discover whether we're truly compatible, we decide right away that the guy has enough raw material to work, that we can change the rest later, and we press for some kind of commitment.

I actually think your particular situation is a blend of this kind of behavior on your part and of your boyfriend's being less serious about you than you are about him. You've given very little information, of course, but the fact that you have been pressing for this info ("whenever I try to (bring up the future)") and he has repeatedly said he's not sure if he sees a future with indicates that there's an imbalance in the commitment level.

I would make this suggestion: stop asking him whether he sees himself with you and start thinking about whether you really want to see yourself with him. Yes, you love each other, but already, that's not enough for you. This doesn't make you right and him wrong, but it may make you wrong for each other, for the long haul. You may need to be with someone who is over the moon for you and makes no bones about it.

There is the outside possibility that if you back off, he'll feel more freedom to step forward. People tend to be more interesting when they are not needy, but when they are off pursuing whatever it is that turns them on. If you stop looking at him as this thing you *must* have and start exploring the things and qualities you really do want--in life, and in a partner--you'll be happier regardless of whether you wind up with your current love or a different one.

Good luck!

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