A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend tends to upset me on purpose. What I notice about him is he would sometimes do what he knows i dislike, or sometimes refuses to do things that I ask of him and these are really small things. I just dont seem to understand how he always makes me ask more than once, yet when its the other way around he gets upset. I understand how it feels to be extremely frustrated, so as much as possible I do things he ask of me, I dont make him ask over and over and over again! I understand he is stubborn, I am too, but his attitude isnt really helping the relationship. I feel he doesnt know how to compromise and it feels like its always on his terms --its when he is ready to talk, he initiates intimacy, when he wants to get close. Ther's two sides to every story, but this exactly how I feel right now. I am hurt and tired of the emotional rollercoaster, in one day i feel happy and then upset. I really dont know what to do anymore. Help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reply. We have been together for over a year. I rarely ask him to do chores, as he just does them for me. I know this sounds frivolous, its things like when we are at home and i want him to lay on the couch with me, he does it and we usually do that, but most recently he kept refusing without giving a reason, of course I kept asking. When he noticed i was already upset he then decided to it, but i felt its too late as i didn't want him next to me by that time. Its small things like that, which I feel he does to deliberatly irritate me. I feel he creats scenarios for us to fight.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): You don't state how long you have been in a relationship or what sort of things you ask him to do. If you've been together for 3 or more years, I doubt that he is doing it deliberately because by then men get set in a comfort zone and don't have any intentions to play games like being spiteful as you describe. It also matters what sort of stuff do you ask him to do because there are certain categories of stuff that are totally irrelevant to a man, things like buying this deodorant or that, hanging a shirt vs dumping it in a drawer, folding or not folding towels.... Also how you ask him to do things? Will he solve something for you and feel a hero or just do a mindless chore and be your servant?
Then there is the frequency with which you ask a man to do things. If a guy finds what you asking to be irrelevant you can ask it 100 times and still it will simply not be heard by his brain. Naturally, if he does not respond you presume it is deliberate then by mental transferance you start looking for patterns in other things like love making etc. Incidently, having sex is mostly on guys terms because it is heavily dependent on the levels of testosterone in guys body and if depleted then there is no action.
Anyway, your takeaway from this shouldnt be that I am excusing him but rather to reconsider the accusation you made about him being "deliberate". Might he be stubborn as you say? Sure but stubbornness at 100% is not what will motivate him to be with you so there must be some other answer.
Also, I want to point to the power of good intent and when it is intended. Relationships totally break because there is no good intent in interaction or it is offered at a wrong time. If you are accusing him of deliberate irritation you are essentially saying that there is no good intent or rather evil intent on his part, so again you may want to reconsider and reexamine him from another perspective rather then evil intent.
Here is a link to the good intent issue and try to find how both of you fit in these examples: http://theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
Should you talk to him about it? Of course, but have something concrete to fix not aimlessly mumble what it could be or throw accusations at him. Men don't respond well to accusations but they respond great at solving things. So present a possible cause and encourige him to solve that problem so he can be a hero rather than a servant.
Of course that I agree with you that your relationship is suffering and that you are unhappy, but I am glad that you are looking into solutions for your situation. But before you plunge into solving it, be sure you have at least one concrete fix with which you are going to approach your man to whom you should describe the problem briefly and present the solution and ask him what he thinks of the solution and not the problem.
Best to you
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 March 2015):
You are on a great over assumption of things because you simply don't understand how men think. Firstly, I will say that he is not out to intentionally get you angry. Secondly, he simply forgets the things you tell him because it is not on his mind. I think what is happening here is that you might have become too much annoyed at him lately and thus he is snapping back when you don't do the things he wants.
I can go on and on but I think there is a video on youtube that can break things down for a woman. Search for "Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain" and this pastor will clearly explain everything. Also look for "Ask more than once" with this same presenter.
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