A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There has been some tension in my relationship with my boyfriend a, we have been disagreeing a lot lately about various things, so much so that I have considered ending the relationship. I care about him deeply, but I don’t think things will work out. My question however is not whether I should end things with him or not, my question is… why does it seem that when a relationship is nearing the end men tend to say things that make it seem like they would die if you broke up with them?I was on the phone with my boyfriend the other night and we were having a somewhat argumentative dissection about a picture of me and a male friend of mine. I live several hours away from my boyfriend so we don’t get to see each other as often as we would like, this past week a male friend of mine came to stay at my house. The guy that stayed with me is JUST a friend, but there was a picture of him and I hugging (‘cos that’s what friends do, right?) that I posted on Facebook… I even told my boyfriend I was going to post it before I did, he said he didn’t care… but after he saw it he kind of got upset, said looking at the picture felt like a kick in the gut. Having him say that really hurt because he knows I would never do anything to betray him, and I didn’t.But any why back to the question,(The picture isn’t the only problem we have been having but it’s the one that applies to the question the most.)We were talking about the picture when he changes the subject to his ex-wife (she left him for another man), he made me feel like I had betrayed him in some way (which I didn’t). Then he went on to say how he cares about me a lot, and I am the first girl since his divorce that he has felt this strongly for, and would hate to lose me… I have had other men do this as well, even had one go as far to say that he would kill himself if I broke up with him. I understand somewhat why they do this, but I would like other people’s insight as well.p.s. I’m not saying that it is ONLY guys that do this, I’m sure girls do as well, but I only know this type of situation from the one side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSoul4Real – (Please note that this is not meant to be read in a defensive or offensive way, I am merely responding in an informative way and don’t intend this to be taken rudely)
The first sentence of your answer was good, but after that it went down hill… There is no reason you need to criticize me or my life in such a low way…
Yes I let a male friend of mine stay at my house, he was coming to town for an event, and instead of having him stay at some shitty hotel in a town he has never been to, I offered up my couch. Is that really such a bitchy thing to do?
Just because my friend is a male does not mean that anything happened or would happen. And yes I realize that given the opportunity he would have sex with me (as pointed out by q1605) but he was never given the opportunity, and he knows that I was in a relationship and would never try something while I was.
My boyfriend knew my friend was coming to stay at my house, the two of them even know each other, and he was fine with it (I asked my boyfriend if he was okay with it before I even asked my friend if he wanted to stay at my house).
Another point I would like to make to you is that there are several pictures of my boyfriend and female friends of his posted online, some posted before we started dating and some after we were dating. Same as me posting pictures of me and my friends.
I could go on to make a few more points but I feel this should be sufficient to get my point across… that point being: don’t be so quick to a negative answer when you don’t have all the facts.
p.s. To everyone who answered this, he and I are now broken up on mutual terms (well as mutual as terms can get when a relationship ends). We did not split over the fact that I had a guy stay at my house, or over the picture, we had other issues before those things started.
Thank you all (yes Soul4Real even you) for your insight and for taking the time to answer this,
Much love to you all
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 July 2010):
 I'm with strongfp in "When a guy really likes a girl, he really means it", and with Jmtmj in "Desperate times call for desperate measures". Have you thought that perhaps he is in real pain to know the relationship is ending?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Desperate times call for desperate measures... :(
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Yup, I've had an ex who threatened suicide whenever she thought I might break up with her. It's a manipulation technique. Basically it is a way to guilt someone into staying with you. My ex was a bonafide psycho, however she did teach me a lot about the things some women (and men) do to manipulate eachother.
Anyway, there are a number of reasons why it can feel this way. Have you ever loved someone so much that the thought of not having them in your life feels like a knife through your heart? Feelings that intense are possible. It sounds like you go for guys who are in touch with their emotions. The more in touch they are with those emotions, the more they get hurt when love leaves them.
Ultimately, your relationship is doomed here, so it will be best to cut it loose. Not only do LDR's rarely work out, but he also sounds like the jealous type. You will have a very difficult time getting him to believe deep down that nothing happened when your friend stayed with you. Why is that? Because he knows what motivates guys. Your "friend" who stayed with you, most likely wants to be more than friends, no matter how he may deny it. That's just how most guys work. Even though your bf may trust you, he doesn't trust this guy. Seeing you hugging him... Forget about it. It may seem silly, but that's a threat to his relationship.
Anyway, that was quite the tangent. Why does it seem like the world is ending for them?
-because they feel like it is
-because they are acting like that to keep you
-because you're a great catch and they really want to be with you
-because you attract guys who are very dramatic
Lots of possibilities.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 He's grasping at straws to keep you.
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female
reader, Sakuchanz +, writes (27 July 2010):
Men and women alike use the "i'm going to kill myself" card to make their significant other guilty and submissive. No one wants to be the one that pushed someone into killing themselves.
However, most of the time they don't and wont do it once that person DOES break up with them. It's just for attention and pathetic.
As for your man because he was left for another man in the past he has a great deal of fear for being abandoned again. That's the root of his jealousy and it explains why even though he KNOWS you wouldn't hurt him he still gets hurt by
the fact that you're being hugged by another man anyway.
He brought up his ex wife to "excuse" his behavior and make you feel bad; as if saying no man could be trusted except him. Bottom line: you're not his ex wife and you had no feelings for the friend. If he doesn't want to lose you he needs to not bring old relationships into his current one.
The picture situation is a pretty much don't-look-if-you-don't-like-what-you-see thing.
I know all men are not alike but from personal experience, do NOT allow jealous behavior. Jealousy leads to control and control leads to abuse.
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A
female
reader, Angelripper  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I myself have never contemplated suicide, threatened to commit suicide or do or say things that would imply that I was turning suicidal as a result of a relationship that was ending, so I couldn't tell you exactly ... however, I have had guys tell me that they would end their lives if I were to break up with them ... I always thought it was a ploy or a way to threaten me to get me to stay with them ... and it worked for a bit, as I spent a few months just staying with them so they wouldn't off or hurt themselves. There could be another explanation, but I really couldn't see one ... as, believe it or not, when I finally left them, they were still alive and well.
Perhaps they feel so bad thinking about the end of the relationship that they think they would actually commit suicide should it happen, but ... from my experience, it never ends up happening.
There's probably someone else who could shed more light on the situation than I.
-The Resident Metalhead
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