A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why does he want to see me if he doesn't want to be with me?I have posted all the initial information about this here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-there-a-chance-he-will-come-back.htmlAfter one month of silence, I rang him. Of course he didn't pick up so I texted him that I found his behaviour disrespectful and that we needed to talk. So he called me. He said that he had disappeared because he was feeling guilty for hurting me since he had deided that ,although he likes me, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I told him that what had actually hurt me was that he was avoiding me and not telling me what he wanted. We chatted about other stuff for a while (which he initiated) and then he asked me to meet him one of these days. I said that I wasn't sure and that I was afraid something might happen between us which would make things even messier. He answered that he wouldn't change his mind about wanting to be in a relationship and insisted on meeting me. I said I would think about it.What do I do? If I meet him, I will be hoping something will happen which might make him change his mind. My rational side says this is just wishful thinking. But why would he say he likes me if he doesn't want to be with me? And why does he want to see me? Is it to ease his guilt? I don't know what to do. Please help me. I just can't believe that all this is happening. I want to be with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): To the only male person who answered:he actually hadn't told me he didn't want a relationship because he disappeared instead of ringing me back after the two-week break we had agreed on. Till then, every time I said that we should break up he asked me to give him a chance. Also, I haven't slept with him in two months.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):
He told you he didn't want a relationship now. You're sleeping with him anyway, and wondering when he'll "come around" and want a relationship again.
He's being honest with you. You're just not listening.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): its more than likely he will try it on with you because he knows he can get it because you still love him. if anything does happen dont over react and think that you will be getting back together he will come running back in his own time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I would have to agree with Dr.psych. Unlike women, men are pretty much straigh foward, when they say no to relationship is b/c they really mean it; there is no other way around it. Let's say that you meet him; then you guys talk and maybe sex, then after that what are you left on with? Sadneess, depression, feelings, etcs.. men don't get any of that, not even if they have sex. They are different spices. If you have sex with him then he really got what he wanted and you are really left out alone and sad. and he is not going to change his mind about relationship........ Just move on, there are plenty of guys out there that want to have a relationship. Don't waste your time and energy tring to fix something that can't be fix.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I totally agree with the first poster. Sweetie, my recent ex bf did the same thing to me. I understand perfectly you want him back but really try to forget him. It's not easy but you are not alone. I'm trying hard too to forget my ex and it ain't easy when I'm totaly unemployed and out of friends, but I'm winning. I left him waiting for me last month he,he,he. ;-)
Also my dear I must tell you something EXTREMELY IMPORTANT the silent tratment IS ABUSE. My ex was an expert on it and I hate him for that. He never wanted to talk about problems. I was the one who always had to call him first after an argument. I suggest you to google "abusive relationships" and look for clues. Maybe you were in a totaly abusive relationship and don't know it yet.
Sometimes people like me who grew up with parents who had abusive relationships look for our own abusive partner unconsciously.
Don't look for him anymore. If you want closure maybe it's acceptable for you to call him from another phone number and tell him what you think so it would be easier for you to move on.
Best of lucks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I have been in his position. You have to understand that he recently got out of a very serious relationship with a girl that he deeply cared about and probably still cares about. He hasn't even had time to get over her when he met you.
When I first got out of my last relationship I got involved right away with somebody too. But the truth was that I wasn't over my ex. I still loved him and thought about him everyday. I still dreamed of him coming back and whisking me away. My new bf had no idea I felt this way. After a while I too started feeling guilty because it wasn't fair to my new bf that my feelings were all about my ex.
He does like you but he is in no position to care for you like you deserve. At this point in his life he just cannot love you. It is physically impossible for him. And it is natural for him to feel this way because he just got out of a relationship. Initially he started dating you because he liked you but he does not see a future with you. Not because you are not great or if the timing was any different it would be totally possible. It is just really bad timing. He is still coming to terms with his loss. His future is still with her.
Right now he just needs to heal on his own. There is no way that he can give you what you want or what you deserve right now. So save yourself the heartache and let him be.
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A
female
reader, maggieSERENDIPITY +, writes (26 September 2007):
He is a typical male... he wants his cake now but he also wants the freedom to look around. Thats what life should really be in my book your answer is to say ok.. we dont have an EXCLUSIVE relationship but we do have a bond of friendship and care which is special but we will both see other people... and DO IT go out there and find others .. maybe among them you will find the commitment you seek!!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Leave him alone for your own sake. He may like you but not as much as you would hope for and there is nothing here that is the basis for a relationship. You have got to remember that you cannot change other people to be as you would like and that can be very frustrating. You know you have deeper feelings for this guy and that if you meet him then it adds to the confusion - therefore have some self control and refuse to meet him. If you do meet him it is everything about him getting what he wants (alleviating conscience, sex or whatever) and nothing about what you want or need. Delete his number from your phone and move on.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (26 September 2007):
 if he has told you that he doesnt want to be in a relationship and after a month he says he still feels like that and wont change his mind then i think its pretty much set in stone. i dont know why he wants to meet you but if i was you i wouldnt go. he sounds like he doesnt want to be involved, his behaviour was disrespectful and it was mean of him to not explain to you and to just ignore you and leave you guessing. my gut instinct is avoid him like the plague. the first month is the hardest part, so your over the initial bit. if you meet him now you wont get anywhere because he doesnt want the same things you do and you will put yourself back to square one.
best of luck
brooke
xx
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