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Why does he want to get married so quickly?

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Question - (17 October 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 17 October 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

6 years ago I lost my virginity to the owner of the hotel my family and I were staying at in Turkey. I stayed in contact with him but (because I wanted it this way), just as friends. My family and I stayed at the same hotel every year in the summer, so I saw him every year.

This year I went on my own and, both of us having just ended fairly long term relationships, we spent a lot of time together and ended up getting together. I was there for two months and spent every evening and most days with him. While I was there he asked me to marry him which was a bit of a surprise to say the least! I've always harboured deep feelings for him and, possibly partly because it took me so by surprise, I said yes. I don't want you to think I don't want to be with him - I really do love him and I desperately want to be with him, it's just that it goes slightly against everything I have ever known to say yes so soon.

Anyway, next week I'm going to stay with him for 3 weeks and we've discussed getting engagement rings (we didn't have the chance to in the summer). While we were talking about it, however, he suddenly comes out with the suggestion that we actually get married when I'm there! Of course this isn't actually possible, the paperwork I'd need (certificate of no impediment etc) would take longer than I have before I go to obtain, and anyway, I want my family there when I marry. Aside from that, I really don't think it's a great idea to rush into things like marriage so quickly! I am only 20 afterall and we've only been in a real relationship for about 4 months.

He seems to be really serious, he's very protective of me, he worries about me when I'm out in the evening with friends, he talks to me all the time, he's even talked about having children with me.

Thing is, I just don't understand why he wants to rush into this so quickly. I know he doesn't want to come to England (he did his degree here and hated the place - too cold, stressful and rainy!) and he has never, ever asked me for money - quite the opposite in fact, to the level that if I ever ring him, he'll hang up and immediately ring me back so I don't run my phone bill up too high.

If anyone has any experience of a similar situation, or even just some ideas, I'd love to hear from you. I just don't understand the rush!

View related questions: lost my virginity, money

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Julyssa,

I would disagree with you saying I don't really know him or his history - I've been in very regular contact with him for 6 years and I know his family pretty well too.

However, I absolutely agree with not rushing into marriage - I want to make it clear that I have absolutely no intention of marrying him yet. I simply don't understand why he wants us to get it done with so quickly - despite having been good friends with him for such a long time, we've only been 'together' for a few months. Aside from that, I need to stay in England until summer 2011 to finish my MSc, so there's no way we'd be able to live as a proper married couple until that time; yet another reason to wait.

I was just hoping for any enlightening suggestions as to why he's pushing for marriage so quickly.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (17 October 2009):

Well I'm glad you've seen that, especially if he is much older. I knew a woman who did marry someone from Turkey and he turned from a nice, caring guy into a complete control freak to the point where he was even choosing her friends. So please be very careful.

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (17 October 2009):

Starlights agony auntYesit seems he's in a hurry to get married to you.

Have you asked him why he is rushing you for marriage? you are still young.

However saying that he could be rushing into marriage as part of his culture, generally marriage is a sign of commitment and seriousness so this could be his reason.

I would advise you talk to this guy heart to heart because if you rush into it without proper preparation you may live to regret it.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi CaringGuy, thanks for answering. I am a bit cautious, I have to admit as it does feel a little like there might be some controlling factor lurking there sometimes. I think this may in part be because he's older than me by ten years and also due to his culture as he's Turkish, but I am a little worried that it might get heavier as time goes on. Don't get me wrong, he's the most lovely, caring, attentive guy ever and I don't believe he'd raise a hand to me, but I do get the feeling he slightly resents me going out for the evening with my friends instead of chatting to him.

There is no way I'm going to actually marry him yet - especially not in some rushed ceremony with none of my friends and family present. I want to be with him, he knows that, but I just don't understand why he wants to rush into marriage. In a way I think he's quite insecure and maybe he thinks that getting married will absolutely mean I'm tied to him and that I won't be able to just abandon our relationship (which I have absolutely no intention of doing, but I think he worries I might). I don't know, it's just confusing for me!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (17 October 2009):

He sounds like he's a bit controlling to be honest. What happens when you go out with friends if you marry and he stops being worried, but instead starts to stop you seeing them. I have seen this a few times before. Personally, I'd give it a lot more time and see what he really wants. Don't make the mistake of getting married to someone who just wants to control you.

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