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Why does he spend more time with his friends than me, and how can I get him to stop?

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 June 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 27 June 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

So, I'm dating this guy. He's really amazing. We always have a good time when we hang out together and he seems like he's really into me... but there's a problem. He always spends way more time with his friends, than he does with me.

I have talkes and talked and talked to him about this so many times, it's not even funny. He says he tries to balance us out, but he just can't. He always gives his time to his friends and hardly hangs out with me. It's not fair, an I'm really tired of it. I just want to scream!

And then whenever I do say something to him about it, he ets defensive and gets mad at me.

Ladies, and even guys, I don't know if you boyfriends/girlfriends are the same way as him, or not, but some help would really be appreciated. I can't go through this anymore. Please help. Thanks. =]

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A female reader, Wise Woman of the Forest United Kingdom +, writes (27 June 2010):

Wise Woman of the Forest agony auntAbsense makes the heart fonder. Don't ruin a perfectly good relationship because the man likes his companions. Make the most of your time with him and maybe you could spend a little more time with your friends. You're still young and you don't want to be one of those stay-in couples by the time you turn 25. Why not befriend his friends? Not so that you can hang around with them, but so he feels comfortable for you to go along with them. Don't smother him though, a man is more likely to freak out if you get all clingy and invite yourself out with him and his mates. Every man needs their guy-time. (:

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010):

instead of thinking about all the time he isn't with you and is with his friends instead you could cherish the moments you do have together and make the most out of them. you can't really stop him from seeing his friends, as he needs a social life aswell as a relationship. some males like being with their friends more, others prefer to spend little time with them and like to be with the one they love the most as much as possible while still having a social life.

you could maybe talk to him about it and ask him to see you so many times in a week and then all the other times he can see his friends, then you aren't keeping him away from his friends and he doesn't feel like you want him all to yourself.

making an arrangement would ensure that you do see him often but not too much that you and him both start loosing friends due to the fact you never spend time with them.

this may be a reason he spends time with them, he may not want to loose his friends over a girl.

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A female reader, jvjvjvjv United Kingdom +, writes (26 June 2010):

I had a similar situation but it wasn't his friends, it was his work. Eventually I got fed up of being always in second place and he was fed up with my nagging him about it, so it came to an end, and you know what? it's the best thing that has happened to me. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to find someone who values you and gives you what you need. Time together is a pretty basic need in any relationship, and his behaviour does not give you both a positive foundation to build a relationship on, he will always feel like you are getting between him and his friends, and you will always feel unheard and undervalued, and the cracks will just get bigger. You have already tried to talk about it and your feelings don't seem that important to him... Deep breath, move on and be happy elsewhere. Good luck. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010):

Some perspective from someone who is a bit like your bf:

When I have a bf, I encourage him to keep his social life going, as I want to keep mine. Remember, relationships are to further enrich our lives, not to replace something.

I take martial arts classes 3 times a week, sometimes I have a seminar in the weekend. These classes take up 3 to 4 hours. Afterwards, I'm known to hang out with the group, which consists of mostly guys and a few girls. Anyway, I would not stop doing this when I'm in a relationship. This is part of my life, these are some of my friends, end of story. When I come home I have something to talk about with my boyfriend and hopefully he has something to tell me.

Not every guy I dated agreed with this. Some got clingy, others got jealous, some became both. That's when I ended the relationship. I don't want to end up with someone and have ourselves glued together. When that happens you get people on here who a. either can't bring themselves to leave or b. can't move on after the breakup.

Also, it depends on what your guy is doing. If he's getting wasted with them I'd be angry too. If he's just hanging out, I guess I'd like to be invited along with him sometimes. Ofcourse, if he doesn't give you much attention at all, except when he feels like it, I would break up with him.

So make ask yourself: can I live with him being like this? Because he won't change.

If the answer is no, end it.

Good luck!

I think this guy isn't going to change. I wouldn't.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (26 June 2010):

janniepeg agony auntYou can't make him stop seeing his friends. You can cherish the little time with him. During that time no making each other feel bad, no demanding for more time. You can ask him is his life better with you in it. He doesn't think there is a problem seeing his friends. You can try to adjust your different lifestyles. For example on Saturdays he can hang out with his friends, Sundays he spends time with you. Tell him ahead of time what your availabilities are and request him not to book anything and get busy on those days. If he can't agree to schedule changes, it might be that he can't say no to peer pressure. In the long run you are the one to suffer if he can't think for you and care for your feelings. From now on, stop being emotional about this. Make a decision to either tolerate this or move on if he doesn't change his ways.

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