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Why does he send his ex vids of us having sex?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2010) 12 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, *EEMEE writes:

Why does my boyfriend do this?

He is still in close contact with his ex. They had a long distance relationship for 3 years and they still talk and text pretty regular. I know he sometimes sends her vids and pics of US having sex or...he does things to me while IM ASLEEP and send her the vids of it :( . They used to be into kinky stuff like that and she is bisexual. I have not confronted him yet on this issue. OTHERWISE he is a great provider for me and my child, always buys me gifts, is very affectionate, stands up for me to my enemies, and he tells his ex he DOES love me! ???

View related questions: his ex, long distance, text

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A male reader, Organ Donor United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2010):

Organ Donor agony auntOK this is NOT GOOD!

If he is committed to you, he has to stop this indulgence.

Perhaps he has some fantasies that he would like to play out with you, then he would stop sending videos to his ex.

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A male reader, Starmonster888 United Kingdom +, writes (17 April 2010):

Starmonster888 agony auntOh that's just weird.

Why does he do it? Because he can, tell him to stop exploiting you and he'll stop. If he doesn't, he's a really out of this world type pervert who can't be helped therefore you should leave him.

No seriously, why have you not confronted him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010):

Okay... I agree, this IS weird and you should definately put an end to it. Confront him. And follow all the advice already listed here.

HOWEVER. I am not totally off the fence about it... I mean, I have a realllly close 'ex' that is long distance, in which we have shared many physical encounters, sexual talk, caming, etc. Our relationship is more like an open relationship- we are so close that we can talk and share jsut about anything, mayhaps still desire eachother, but of complete respect and understanding of the other when in a relationship. I am guilty of sending my best friend nude photos of myself for his opinion before sending them to my current boyfriend. I am guilty of being turned on by the idea of pleasing him and myself by my partner and I being watched while having sex. Yet, I wouldn't do something like that without his permission first. -shrugs-

If he respects you, he will stop.

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A female reader, alyssadiane21 United States +, writes (16 April 2010):

alyssadiane21 agony auntand the way you put that last question with a question mark sounds like your uncertain yourself. you need to work this out between you soon because this could become a major issue later.

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A female reader, alyssadiane21 United States +, writes (16 April 2010):

alyssadiane21 agony auntyes most guys are interested in threesomes. to be quite honest. if he really loved you he wouldnt care what turns her on he would care about you and your turnons and turnoffs and to me that would be a big turnoff unless your into that stuff? she was his past your his present. you need to comfront him if this bothers you.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (16 April 2010):

TimmD agony auntShe gets turned on seeing him do stuff to you, and he gets turned on by the fact that SHE is turned on. There is still something there between them. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you to have a threesome sometime. He'd say "She means nothing to me, this would just be fun for us, spicing up our relationship..."

If you're ok with him being like that, then fine... but that is by no means acceptable in a normal, loving relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010):

He's either trying to show off and make her jealous or he's possibly having some kind of sexual conversation with him along the lines of "cheating" although that's a tough area to prove. Point is, he's YOUR boyfriend these are private acts between the two of you and for no reason at all should he be sharing them with another person. But if you know about it and know that he's doing things while you're asleep why are you staying with him? That's weird and you're just sending him the message that what he's doing is ok. Call him on it and confront him, tell him you don't like it and want it to stop. If he doesn't respect that, ditch this zero and find a better guy.

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A female reader, Not My Name Australia +, writes (16 April 2010):

Not My Name agony auntNot only would I kick him to the curb, I'd put a ball pein hammer right throgh the lens of his video camera.

Why are you allowing this and not saying anything to him?

He sounds disrespectful and creepy imo!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (16 April 2010):

Why indeed? And why do you allow it? No disrespect, but when a man is sending videos of you having sex together to his ex, and when he's doing it while you're asleep, I have to say there is something seriously wrong. It's all right him being a good provider, but what happens if one day your child happens to find one of the videos on the net or something? I'm not really sure why you're allowing this, so I suggest you sit down and decide whether you'd like to be more to a man that a sex toy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010):

That is down right weird and an invasion of your personal privacy. There are plenty of men out there that will take good care of you and not talk to their ex-girlfriend let alone send pictures of you to her having sex. You need to confront him about it and if he doesn't stop you need to end it. Doing stuff to u in your sleep then sending it to his ex-girlfriend is borderline sex offender. If it makes you uncomfortable than leave him.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (16 April 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntMy question to you, is why do you let him do it? If it bothers you, not to mention the absolute invasion of privacy, why tolerate it for one more second?

He and his stuff would be on the curb if he had been my guy. *Poof* Gone, just like that. The analysis of his motives could then take the next few years. The analysis of your motives deserves greater attention from you right now.

Good luck.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (16 April 2010):

YouWish agony auntThat's horrible, sending an ex videos of you two having sex. That's not "standing up for you". That isn't loving you! And doing things to you while you're asleep is RAPE, because it is not consentual.

I'm sure you're not a whore who stays with people for money. Have some respect and kick him to the curb. What he's doing to you is heinous.

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