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Why does he look at porn when he still thinks I am beautiful and we have great sex?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 January 2011) 4 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2011)
A female Canada age 51-59, anonymous writes:

We all know about the ups and downs in a marriage.But my husband and me managed to really deeply fall in love again for the last two years. Married for 17 years and two kids. We have lots of wonderfull fullfilling sex.I love and appreciate him. So I would think my husband should be quite satisfied. I am by the way good looking with a beautiful figure that he is still very attracted to. At least, that's what he claims. With all this he still goes on the internet to watch porn. He does it secretly, because he knows it hurts me a lot. He sometimes does it only 3to 4 times a month, but what puzzles me most, even after we had the best sex. I ask all the men out there: Why?? What am I for him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

Hi

You are clearly a gorgeous female, and I am sure that your partner doing this does not reflect on his feelings for you what so ever, I would imagine he is so turned on by you, that sometimes the Porn is just a quick fix, and he does not mean anything by it. However.... It is clearly hurting you so needs to be addressed, and if acceptable could you ask him if it something you could watch together and you help him with his quick fix? Good luck with the chat x

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2011):

Miamine agony auntSigh.. we have extensive writings on porn on Dear Cupid. I suggest you take a look at them... http://www.dearcupid.org/category/pornography

I'll first state, I'm pro-porn. Many aunts are anti-porn and they will give different advice.

Why does a married man need porn? Why does a married woman need 10 dresses and five pairs of shoes? Why do we need more than one book and more than one album of music?

Choice. Your different shoes, dresses, music and books, make you feel different things a different times. You like choice and so does a man. Now it's not suitable to have more than one wife, or a mistress standing by, so that's where pornography comes in.

Choice!

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(Quoted from KC100.... best answer on this issue)

Ok, in a nutshell, this is why men use porn:

1. It is an escape. It is like a fantasy world where they can just escape real life and induldge - like when women fantasise about George Clooney or whoever when masturbating, it is the same thing for men with porn.

2. It is a quick, easy release. A lot of women on this site always say 'why is he looking at porn when he can have sex with me?' and the reason is this - porn is easier. Sex for men is actually quite difficult and stressful, they are always conscious of whether the woman is enjoying herself, making sure he performs (i.e doesnt cum too soon), he has to do all of the work in most positions (unless girl is on top)and all the woman has to do is lie there and focus on her orgasm - but for men there is so much more going on. Hence porn is the quickest, easiest and least stressful way to 'get off' so to speak. It doesnt mean he does not enjoy sex with you - its just on the odd occasion, men like to take the easy option and have a quick, easy release of tension. Even with oral, he is still worrying about if you are enjoying it, if he is taking too long to cum, if your jaw is hurting, if there will be too much cum....I know in your head it seems like 'well if he wants a quick release I can do it for him' but it simply doesnt work that way!

3. They dont want to have sex with a porn star or want you to look like a porn star - generally when they are watching porn men often think 'oh I would love to do that to xxxx(partner's name).'

So there you go - he is still attracted to you, still loves you, wants to have sex with you etc! The only time you should get worried about porn is if he is lying about it and watching it very frequently, to the point on obession.

But if you are open with him about it, dont judge him for it, dont make a big deal about it and in general are ok about it - then he will never have to hide it from you or lie. Heck - why not even suggest watching it together?! You may find it turns you on too, and he will definitely love that you want to share in his turn-on's!

I have spoke to my partner about this (he is 27 and we have a very happy relationship), and many of my male friends and they all say the same things - the reason why they watch porn is the exact things I have said above. It has no impact on their girlfriends or wives, it is purely about a release for them. Men are very visual creatures so it makes masturbating more enjoyable - what is really so wrong with that? You would never get upset by a man masturbating, so really there is not that much difference between plain old masturbation and masturbating to porn.

Many many women feel the exact same way as you do (search this site and you will see!), and men will always maintain that it is meaningless but the women cannot get their heads around it. And this is where the big difference lies - women attach emotions to sex, whereas men (often) do not. So women are thinking 'why does he need porn when he has me' and they see the porn as a threat, whereas there are no emotions for men attached to porn whatsoever. Like Cerebus said - it is a tool. Nothing more, nothing less.

You may never understand why men use porn, and that is ok if it simply does not make sense to you. Just as there are many parts of a woman's personality men will never understand, maybe this is one part of your partner that you will never understand. Just accept that this is one gender difference you cant get your head around and dont worry about it. I think what men and women need to do more is to accept that we have differences and not try and rationalise them in our own gender specific ways, at the end of the day men and women will always be different so lets just accept it and get on with it!

I hope this helps and good luck!

___________________________________________________________

Do you have a vibrator? Why do you use it if you have a man? Do you read romance, erotica or watch romantic movies? Why do you need them if you have a man?

Human's are creatures driven to want a variety of experiences. Pornography does not replace sex with a woman you love, it's different, it's usually about sexual moves with no emotion involved.

Be careful before making this a issue to fight over. There is no way to FORCE a man to give up pornography. It allows him a quick orgasm (minutes or seconds) whilst lovemaking with the woman you love can take hours. It can be stress relieving. ( Hard to tell the woman you love to shut up and just follow commands) It can allow forbidden fantasy. It can just be a time to be on your own and not have to please anyone else.

Yes, masturbation and pornography is selfish. But it is difficult to stop (ask the Catholic Church)

Why, why, why you ask? Well, do you allow the guy to spit on your face, fuck you up the ass, get bored and walk away without even a thank you. You can't provide these "naughty fantasies", pornography can do this and more.

He can't treat you the way he treats his fantasy women. 3 to 4 times a month. Your guy isn't addicted. You have good sex and are happy. Removing pornography may bring troubles to your door that you never imagined.

All people need fantasy time alone. He should have the right to orgasm alone.

Why are you jealous of fantasy women? Do you think they will knock on your door and steal your husband? Or do you think that when he married you he went deaf, dumb and blind and could no longer be attracted to other people?

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A male reader, Merawder Canada +, writes (25 January 2011):

You are taking this way too seriously. 3 to 4 times a month is not by any means something to be concerned about, he's not exactly an addict.

Give him a break, it has nothing to do with you it's just something most guys do. Just enjoy the great way your marriage is going right now

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

Thank you for your question. Yes, you have reasonable concern here. It doesnt add up logically. I think on some emotional level he appeals to porn which doesnt make sense cause that indicates he has a bad communication with you and how can that be if your marriage has lasted for such a long time? Im guessing since he does it only occasionally he has just a few fantasies in his head and its nothing against your looks or even your personality. However, from your perspective I could how you could feel demeaned or even have your confidence shot a bit, which either in a relationship isnt healthy. My advice: Take the initiative here and establish communication and let him know your emotional feelings surorunding his actions. Ask him calmly why he does what he does. Hopefully he is honest as he should be to his wife. If he has fantasies, your sex life may need some compromising. Meaning, not giving into his fantasies but finding some mutual common ground so that he doesnt feel the need to look at it anymore. Hope this helps.

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