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Why does he keep hurting my feelings if he says he loves me?

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Question - (1 November 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2010)
A female Canada age 30-35, *hilippa writes:

If he says he loves me so much ,why does he constantly hurt my feelings?He is very well aware of it and not making any progress.He is so loving and caring with everybody else but me,now that is a whole other story .He is very jealous and can't stand when another guy is nice to me,but he will not be nice to me .Im romantic ,faithfull,good cook ,great in bed respectfull ,and I think I look pretty good 9/10(not that looks are important ) .He has a attitude problem and he's really getting on my nerves.I really want things to work between us but after 11 years his childish attitude is getting very old .How many years of my life am i supposed to sacrifice ?He never takes me out or nothing .His friends wants to take me out(MALE AND FEMALE) to a restaurant and movie (secretly cause he's jealous) just to take my mind off of things .No sex involved .Should I? I could count on one hand the number of times we went out together in 11 years .

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (1 November 2010):

blonde30s agony auntdont waste anymore time on this man who isnt treating you how you should be treated. get out now and find someone new.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 November 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt Off the top of my hat I am tempted to say : because he does not love you. When people say one thing then do the opposite, always believe the action, not the words. Talk is cheap ! Actions require effort, and when people does not want to do the effort, generally it's because they don't care.

In your case though perhaps this is a bit drastic. I guess he loves you in his own self centered, self complacent way. He is sort of taking you for granted because after 11 years he knows that no matter how much he screws up , there is no retribution, you'll grumble but you'll still be there to take anything he dishes out.

Communication is important of course - backed by action.

Explain him gently and not confrontationally why you are unhappy in this relationship and what you would like him to do. Don't ask a lot, compromise, agree on something minor rather than a whole life makeover- something like, he'll take you out for dinner once a month. But then, if he does not follow through, you have to be ready to stop grumbling and step out of the relationship. You can't change people, specially when they don't want to be changed- you can only change yourself and your actions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010):

talk to him let him know how he is treating you. sometimes a guy won't know how he acts or how differently he treats people until he is made aware of his behavior. i can understand the jealously a bit because you went out secretly cuz to him it can mean a lot of things and most probably negative. the main things is that he needs to know how you feel about the way he treats you.

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