A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what's right or wrong any more, feels like I have completely lost the touch of myself and what used to be me.. I am in a relationship for 2 years now.. My boyfriend is this typical macho guy who always makes sure to be right even when he is wrong and whom almost never shows or talks about his feelings.. I am, or used to be, this outgoing girl who loved to talk about feelings, just to communicate in general.. Our problems began pretty soon in the relationship where whenever we hit any small bumps in the road so to speak, he never wanted to discuss about it.. He always had this affirmed characted and in his eyes I was doing so wrong by always wanting to talk aboout things that bothered me and that would eventually hurt our relationship.. This later turned into what I feel is verbal abuse.. he started to call me names right after above mentioned behaviour and these name callings have gotten more and more frequent.. I don't think I am allowed to write down what he has been calling me, but you guys who read this can imagine... I know it may seem like I have done something or pushed his buttons, but I have been nothing but a good gf to him, always been there for him when he had problems or family issues and always been a loyal and sweet girl towards him, giving him his free time when he wanted and done basically what every girl should be feeling good about doing.. Couple of days ago he crossed my line.. I am going through a very hard time right now, and from nowhere he started to call me selfish.. god knows I am the last selfish person on this planet.. Right now I am SO frusturated and angry.. I am SO hurt by him.. We haven't spoken for what seems to be 3 days now.. I don't want to call him or sms him, something I always have done after every fight.. something inside me has really broken.. Although it should be obvious, I still don't know what to do.. I want him to change so badly, I want him to realize what a good girl i am and what he will miss out on.. but I don't know how to do that without being involved in changing him, cause I want the change to come from himself.. What do you guys think I should do? thanks.. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Horne,
Your advice makes me really see things in other perspectives.. I had almost forgotten that I can´t make him feel or do certain things.. It is up to him, as you said it.. Thanks for reminding me of some thigns.. of being strong... I dont know, its really complicated.. many other things are going on in my life right now, many changes.. but thats life.
Thank you and good luck with everything in life.. its been amazingly kind of you for given so much time and effort to share your thoughts about something that is outside your world..
take care, always..
A
male
reader, Horne +, writes (16 January 2009):
I have no magic answers for you lady. I watched a friend go through this same type of situation for several months. I'll tell you what I told her. You can't change him. He has to do it. What you can do is motivate him to take steps in the right direction. What you wrote about feeling like something broke inside you happened to her as well. She described it as standing at the sink, washing dishes without ever seeing them and crying. That point marked the beginning of the end of their relationship. They stayed together for a few months after that but what was lost, was lost. He never tried to reclaim it until she was gone.
Being sweet is absolutely wonderful as long as that sweetness is understood and appreciated for what it is. A sad fact of life though is that sometimes the more one gives, the more the other takes and in that process actually begins to appreciate the other less, even begins to see them as less. And... you are in a way. You've given up who you were, the person he was attracted to in the first place, to try and be what he wanted. It doesn't work.
Sooner or later the person you were will come back. It has to.
Changing someone at a basic level, even yourself, rarely works for long. Obviously people adapt to relationships and give of themselves to make it work. But if you want that relationship to be really successful, both of you need space to be who you are, not who the other wants you to be. Not many of us actively seek to change someone, but we do it in little ways even when we don't try. That's the adaptation part of a relationship. I may have enjoyed partying all night before I met someone, but I stop doing it sooner or later as time goes by because if I care enough and it hurts our relationship, I see that effect and in my own mind make the choice to change myself.
In my friend's case, I gave her two pieces of advice. First, get some professional help. Second, find yourself again. The first is important because counselors deal with this kind of thing all the time. It also brings a voice in from the outside that isn't... your voice. If he has little respect for yours at this point, that outside one will go a long way towards making him see things that you will never be able to make him see. The second was just as important because she harbored a lot of resentment towards him over the fact that she had basically given up who she was to be who she thought he wanted her to be.
No relationship works well with resentment sitting around in the background, and honestly, he didn't fall in love with who she became, he fell in love with who she was. Right? The more she worked on herself, the stronger he began to see her as a person. The reason it failed, the relationship is because he refused any outside help and tried to manipulate her emotions in other ways. By that time though, she could see it for what it was, not with those guilt ridden eyes that tell a person, I'm not being good enough, not doing something right.
You're not always right. Neither is he. It's why they call relationships a compromise. She finally left him, and that's when he sought help, that's when he began to realize what he had lost. Outside help, a counselor would go a long way in helping you fix this. By yourself, you have to be the one who is logical and reasonable. You can't let yourself fall into the emotional traps and go off on the long and bitter battles. He has to see you as stronger, not as this person he's molded you into and who he doesn't seem to like a whole lot anyway. That is a long and probably rocky road though. It takes some internal strength to do it and a lot of perserverance.
If it were me and I really wanted this relationship, I'd talk to him about a counselor. Just the fact that you do that will probably send a shock wave through his world. The bottom line though is that he needs a voice to respect and yours isn't it right now. So either you have to bring one in that he can, or you have to start the process of making him respect yours. If you choose the latter, the only way to do that is by being stronger yourself.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUm, this is an update for Horne, hope you´ll read this and be able to answer.. I just looked at your profile and saw that you were a guy.. i want to ask you this and get the answer from a guys perspective.. How do you think i should fix it from my side? I mean..... i dont really know how to ask this cause i am so desperate its ridicilous.. if only he knew that i am actually asking ppl online about advice for something he is causing!!! anyways, (sight)..... what can a girl do to make a guy realize things.. what should my approach be? I am not giving him the silent treatment now just cause i am not talking to him.. i am really hurt by him and need this time for myself.. i actually for the first time ever dont even feel the urge of talking to him, explaining to him that he is misunderstanding things and getting mad too easily etc... I'll appreciate an answer... thanks either way..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for responding this fast.. i just signed in to see if i had any luck.. the answers have been really refreshing and reminding me of many thngs i already knew.. but its easier to "forget" when the heart says something else.And its so difficult.. i can´t let go of him because, yeah, i love him.. not a clingy love, not an obsessed love.. i just love him.. wish it wasnt this complicated.. I know that he is aware of what a good girl he has, but his personality.. he is SO stubborn.. I will do this i think: embrace this time apart as a time for myself.. its been something new for me, and as i said before, something inside me has broken.. i need this time apart, because i am really starting to realize that i deserve much better.. in the mids of always trying to please him and his needs, i forgot about myself.. who i am .. i just hope for the best, cause deep inside i still hope for that change from his side.. God, i´ll be sooo dissapointed if he again accuses me for this problem or finds ways to blame me.. its definatly not easy, and as i was reading the answers from both of you, i kinda got the feeling you guys know how it feels like.. so i really appreciate the time you have given to answer this letter from a stranger like me :).. thank you guys! and god bless you too, always!
...............................
A
male
reader, Horne +, writes (15 January 2009):
Its never easy to give advice on relationships for the simple reason that looking in, we only see one side. Even in our own relationships, we mostly only see the side we want to see. There are times I sit down and think about what's happened, what's been said, what's been done and realize my own culpability in what ever took place.
Your culpability in this one seems to be that you let a domineering person, well... be domineering. What takes place when that happens is a lot of respect is lost. The devolving nature of this relationship where the comments have turned abusive tells me that respect is growing less and less as time goes by. What might eventually happen is that you may even become the root of all his problems. What you see as macho, and maybe even what he sees as macho is essentially little more than working around dealing with his own issues and his own feelings. Since he won't deal with them, he needs a place to let them rest, a way of letting off that steam.
You're it. In other words, he blames you and will blame you. Be as good as you want to be. It won't change anything until he makes a change for himself. In the meantime, you're losing who you are just trying to accomodate who he wants you to be. Truth is, he probably doesn't even know what he wants you to be. All he knows is that he has a place he can vent that won't make him stand up and deal with his issues. You've become a verbal punching bag and sequestered a good part of yourself because of it.
Is that what you want? Is it what anyone wants? I'm not saying your relationship is over. I'm saying you can't fix it on your own. I'm saying it sounds like he's lost so much respect for you that he can only see the bad, and when he can't see it? He probably invents it.
Relationships rarely fail because of one person though. We're all part of what happens in our lives, even if we take a passive approach to it and try to please the other. Wanting to please, wanting to support, wanting to give the other a place where life can be happy is one thing. Burying yourself for them is not. It takes two people to make a relationship, two minds, two hearts, two paths that merge as one.
It works better when you work together, not when one constantly finds fault with the other. A friend of mine was in a similar relationship not long ago and left it. It wasn't until they left that the other realized what they'd lost. When respect is gone, I don't know if you can make them realize it until you are already gone. Even then, it can take years.
...............................
A
female
reader, Annalisa  +, writes (15 January 2009):
 You know, sometimes we dive into relationships that are just wrong for us, because we think the guy's cute, because we're lonely, because we're just looking for Mr Right...
The truth is when you love someone you respect them, you value their opinion, they put a smile on your face when things are tricky, because love gives us strength.
Basically, he sounds too selfish and wrapped up in himself to fall in love and you probably just got used to each other being there.
How can you love someone who doesn't give you love?
You can't, in fact, you just want to hang around to change him... which means you don't love him, just that you can't accept the fact that you've wasted 2 years of your life.
Ok, it's been 2 years, learn from your experience and don't waste any more!
Next time a man disrespects you, drop him, don't let him use and abuse you!
As for this one, leave him and take some time out to find yourself again, before it's too late.
God bless you and good luck!
...............................
|
