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Why does he get so mad when he lies and hurts my feelings?

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I know my boyfriend asked this girl I know to send him a naked picture of herself to him. I know because I saw it on his phone when I looked through it. I also saw that when she tried to hang out with him, he turned her down and said they shouldn't talk anymore because he has a girlfriend. So at least Ibetters little better about that.

When I confronted him on it, he denied it all. Now I'm not crazy, I definitley saw this text! He won't admit he did anything wrong. The worst part is that he keeps lying and saying he never asked her for a picture. I saw the text!!! I can't get over that and I always think if he lied about that, what else is he lying about?

When I get mad at him about it, he just gets mad at me and says things like why don't I just find someone else who makes me happy, he doesn't care about what I do or why don't I go find some other guy to be with. It really hurts my feelings and I don't know how he can say this stuff because I would be devastated if he was with another woman. When we fight he tells me if I'm not happy to just leave, and that I'm making him not like me by constantly bitching at him. I have left before just to see what he would do...I just left and stayed at a friends and he never called! I don't know how ge just doesn't care. He let's me live with him rent free and has never tried to kick me out, he constantly does nice things like fill my gas tank, buy me food, take me out, and it seems like if he didn't care he wouldn't waste his time or money? I want to make this work because when we aren't fighting he is perfect. Also, I live there and I really don't have anywhere else to go so that's even harder. :(

He is just so cold and uncaring. I cry because he hurts my feelings by lying but it just makes him madder and madder. Please help me understand!

View related questions: has a girlfriend, money, text

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A male reader, tlk107 United States +, writes (11 January 2010):

Hello,

I want you to know that I have been in this situation before, just slightly different. I used to go through my girlfriend's email, text messages, and phone records because I felt something weird was going on. I had seen messages where she was hanging out with guys and talking to ex boyfriends for hours on the phone.

Just like your boyfriend, she did nice things for me too, but now I realize that it was fake and she probably didn't leave me because she knew I would stay until I caught her doing something wrong.

One day, I caught her cheating on me with a friend at 1am. She knew I didn't have a car, so she went across town. I had to take my dad's car just to find her. I am worried that a similar situation may happen to you. Please, please, be strong and stand up for yourself by leaving. It is EXTREMELY hard but these people put on acts and lie to your face until they are caught. You cannot change anyone, you can only change who and what you surround yourself with.

I wish you the best :)

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A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (11 January 2010):

RAINORFIRE agony auntaww well you have the A playboy not a bad boy lol this is actually quite interesting, look i thnk your bf loves having you around but hes so comfortable and familiar with women hes way above graveling if you leave lol hes got the game on lock look atleast he told the girl he couldnt come see her.

Who knows what hes lying about but who cares its probably something trivial as long as hes not on the most wanted list. People sho love in diffrent ways some say i love you some fill up your gas tank,

You have a good guy i think believe it or not he just needs some polish, heres what you should do give him a verbal do what ever the hell he wants pass, this way he will be more honest you wont have to nag and you need to kno where hes been so you can protect your self.

But only do this if your serious cause he will take you serious. You can tell him you dont care about the other girls but you just dont like being lied to, if your good you should be able to get him to be honest with you.

other then that sounds like u got a good thing going, oh and dont think if you have a baby with him things will change lol they wont you will just be at home taking care of the kid while hes at some chiks place.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

Your boyfriend is manipulating you by putting you down and saying he doesn't care about you or what you do so that your self esteem will be lowered and you will not leave him for some other guy because you think you can't do better.

This is a sign of a guy whose abusive behavior can escalate over time to worse verbal abuse and later even physical abuse.

This is not anyone that you want to invest in. He knows you are dependent on him and he has you by the short hairs. He is a bad person, he will not change and you really need to start making arrangements to find somewhere else to live and get a job if you need one so that you can afford rent...or find a roommate to help split expenses.

The longer you stay with a man like this, the more you will become damaged goods. Don't let him do that to you. He is far from perfect. When you don't fight is part of the cycle of abuse that you are in. First there is a honeymoon period when he is all hearts and flowers, this keeps you hooked in and sticking around for that stage to come around again. Then tension builds up in the relationship because he is doing what he wants to do by texting and seeing other girls (I bet my last dollar on that one) and you don't like it and start to nag at him, then the verbal abuse starts and he tells you that you are the problem not him....which makes you back down or work harder at the relationship so he can get away with his bad behavior.

Do you really want an unhealthy relationship like that? Because I can guarantee you one thing, it will get worse over time, not better so you are hanging in there for the good relationship and it will never happen.

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A female reader, dorothy2342 United States +, writes (11 January 2010):

dorothy2342 agony auntFirst of all he sounds like a dick, and he's a lying dick you would be better off without. He'd do nice things for mistresses and whores, and their isn't any emotional attachment for them. He is using you. Either forget your feelings for him and use him or forget about him and move on to someone better, someone that cares. He gets mad at you when you get mad at him as a selfdefence mechanism. What you think he does for you, he is really doing it for his self, what are you giving in return. (your time, your emotions, your concern, and what about sex, he gets that too and he gets to not give a shit. Move on, you'll find someome better and more deserving. Good luck sista

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

You can't let someone lie to you. If you can't trust someone you can't have a relationship with them. My friend is going through a similar situation but her boyfriend lies about money. He may lie because he doesn't want you to think anything is going on and there may not be. Do what's good for you. You have to be able to trust him.

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