A
female
age
30-35,
*pendy
writes:Why does he always say such horrible things to me:(So my bf hasn't been working for 9months now and I've been supporting him with money for food.I don't think he's trying hard enough to finding a job but says we should get married. and I said I want a nice ring and a nice wedding and I want a guy who can work (cause I work hard) and take care of me and when we have kids.Now he's calling me a gold digger and that he's glad he didn't marry me when he was working or I'd've left him for someone else now that he's not working. He said clearly there's something wrong with me that's why I'm still single and if I don't change my attitude I will grow old and die alone:( Just hurtful things:( he said I should go and look for a guy with money. (I'm not a gold digger) I've stuck by him all along and now this is what he says to me?This isn't the 1st time. He's been this nasty:(Have I said something wrong? He keeps saying that marriage isn't about money. I'm 24 and he's 28.
View related questions:
money, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): Run! There are plenty of people out there that will treat you good.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 October 2014):
 I agree with Tisha.
You STICK around for this treatment, you STAY with him even though he really has NOTHING to offer. He isn't helping with bills, food, roof over your heads, he isn't supportive of you and he is making YOU think that YOU are in the wrong for wanting a partner who is equal.
This relationship is so over. But you keep him around. Why?
I think he is feeling emasculated and taking it out on you. He COULD instead grow a set and find a job (any job) and get off his butt. INSTEAD he lives of you and is resenting YOU for it.
Tell him it's over, ask him to move out. Then CUT the contact.
OR you can do what you have been doing all along. Stay with and believe the ridiculous drivel he sprouts.
HE isn't going to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): If he's calling you a gold digger now, when you are out working supporting him while he stays home, then he will be calling you far, far worse things when you are married with his kids and he is working to support you.That's if he ever does find work.Both of you have very low self esteem and it will trap you if you stay. He is insecure and pulling you down to his level/degrading you because he doesn't want to be alone. It's not that he fears losing you specifically, just that he fears being alone with no one and because you are 'easy' in the sense that you provide comfort for him even when he is vile to you, it is therefore easier for him to stay with you than make any effort to move on. And you and your own self esteem issues are making it easy for him. There is only one single reason anyone would stay in a situation like this - because they have low self esteem and believe, deep down, that they have to go beyond any reasonable lengths to EARN someone's love. You can keep mulling this over until the cows come home. But if you stay together things will never truly change underneath, even if he gets a job - he will still be that vile man underneath it all. You stand a far, far better chance of raising your self esteem and getting a healthy perspective if you leave him now - get out of the trap you have put yourself in because it will only get harder and harder to get out of it. He won't let you improve your self esteem, he needs to keep weakening you to make you stay. And one way or another he will do similar things with your kids if you have them. He's not marriage material nor Dad material. He's a selfish baby who doesn't want to grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 October 2014):
 You have done, not said, something weong. You have allowed an ungrateful moocher to walk all over you.
Marriage ( and relationships, of course ) aren't about money ?- right. So let him prove his point to you by stopping taking YOUR money and by fending off for hmself. Put him out by the scruff of his neck, let him take care of himself without the possibility to fall back on you financially,... and if you want you can keep dating, without your pure love being tainted by these menials details of money, income and jobs.
Let's see if he still wants to be your partner, without free board and lodging. It will be an interesting experiment,I am sure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 October 2014):
 Oh you're the gold digger? Right. And what does that make him then, living off of you?
OP he's showing you his true colours in the face of adversity. Everyone's nice and everything's hunky-dory when things are going well but its only when that the waters become choppy that people start to show what they're really made of. THIS is the real him. He's a nasty, insecure man who has no qualms living off his girlfriend and he doesn't even have the decency or the grace to be grateful to you for standing by him. He's saying hurtful things to you just to bring you down just because he's in shit himself.
I don't think you should support him anymore and neither should you allow him to bring him down.
He says marriage isn't about money? Then how does he plan to support you and his family? By living in a jungle and eating fruits and roots? Sure money isn't everything but who doesn't need money and who doesn't want a decent life? The reason why he wants to marry you is because he's insecure about a lot of things. He's scared that you might leave him and that's why he wants to tie you down to him. He's scared that HE'S the one who'll end up alone and that's why he's hankering after marriage, because he knows in his heart of hearts that he will never find anyone as good as you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2014):
 Why does he say horrible things to you? Because you stuck around and tolerate it.
This guy? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/his-questions-are-making-me-uncomfortable--.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-oversensitive-or-was-he-just-horrible.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-said-marriage-was-not-about-money.html
Sounds like you struggle with assertiveness. I'd end the relationship and figure out why you allow yourself to be a doormat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): People out of work start to feel useless. Their self-esteem plummets; because they feel their value is based on their productivity, and ability to earn money. Now he thinks you look down on him, because he can't find a job. It makes him feel worse for you to think he isn't trying hard enough. He's feeling at his lowest right now; so he's not functioning at his usual energy-level, and he's depressed and frustrated.
It's not a good-time for you to be together. He should stay with family or friends; until he gets himself back on his feet. The things he's saying now are abusive, and it's only going to get worse. You must ask him to find someplace to stay. You can't deal with the things he's saying to you; and you have to be adult about this. Don't use emoticons. This is very serious.
He has to be pushed out of the house to put more effort into finding work; and to realize he has no right to take out his frustrations on you. The verbal-abuse is crossing the line, and taking it isn't proving your love. Right now your love doesn't mean sh*t to him. So put him out on the street, and let him work his way back. He's a grown man, he will survive. It will do him much more good than harm. He's not showing you love right now, is he?
...............................
|
