A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I 've been seeing a man who lives with his common law wife and their toddler twin boys. I believed he will leave his live in Significant other as he promised and it would turn into something more . Well it seems like he was in strictly for sex.He never takes me out and he would always want to chat about sex.I stuck around for a bit because I thought it was better than being alone with zero male attention.I now feel like sh*it ,empty and even lonelier than when I didn't have a man in my life.I'm thinking to ended it because I'm miserable since I wished he could be with me like thatWhy do I felt bad even though I was till getting company and sex?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 May 2018):
 You're not really accepting YOUR responsibility. Regardless of what HE said, YOU chose to get involved with a married man. You need to acknowledge that properly before you can move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would also want to add that I've been seeing this man for 18 months and we do go for walks and he also likes to have sex in secluded public places ie in the woods or rivers. You see part of the reason why I fell in his trap is because I'm very naive.Had he said he has no intention of leaving his wife and was just looking for a side dish,I wouldn't have gotten involved I grew up in household where no one lied to me.So I'm having hard time coming in terms about the fact that he lied about his marriage ending.I just couldn't fathom why anyone would do this.On the other hand,I guess I bealived him because I wanted to.I was in a dark place in my life.So I just took anything that came along even though I knew deep down that getting involved with him was highly unwise.Another part of me wanted it to work--I really wanted to bealive that his marriage was over.Am I mad at him for lying?Not at all.In highsight,I should have told him to check in once divorce papers are signed.I will just take it as life lesson and move on.I will only date man who are fully single from now on
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 May 2018):
Stop blaming him and start taking responsibility for your part in it.
It's horrible that he lied, but you knew he would. You didn't want to believe he was always going to stay with his wife, but the way he treated you proved it. Sex in his car? How special.
Seriously, OP, this isn't your heart that's attached; it's your loneliness and desperation, but it's only making you feel worse.
Block him permanently. Don't talk to him, don't let him visit, don't listen to him apologising, don't message him. Just block him and move on. Take time to be single and understand why you CHOSE a married man.
He's a jerk, but you don't have to stay - so don't. It really is that easy. It's hard to get over him, but easy to cut all contact, so do it immediately. No more excuses.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 May 2018):
 Every single word that comes out of a married cheater's mouth is WORTHLESS. It isn't even worth the oxygen he spends to talk!
The ONLY thing that should have moved you is a FINALIZED DIVORCE certificate. In writing, and a matter of public record. Separation is STILL MARRIED, and STILL CHEATING. A legal separation is designed to work on the marriage, yet create some distance for a "cool down". It isn't so that a married man can go have sex with other women while still married.
A married man will minimize his marriage to his mistress, and will completely and totally disrespect his mistress to his wife when she finds out about the mistress. You would be CRUSHED to be a fly on the wall in the conversation your married man has with his wife, as he describes you as lower than some prostitute, that you "meant nothing" to him, that you were "just sex", and that he "didn't know why" he was with you, which is different than all the worthless declarations of love he told you when in his car. In his car?!?? That should have been a big tip off right there that you are a dirty secret for him to hide rather than a legitimate relationship!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2018):
 I just have to echo N91's answer :
Aw come on. Please. Special time ?? He wants to f.k in his car ! He does not want to spend time at your place, -probably thinking that , for what he's got to do with you, that's way too intimate, companionable and time -consuming.
He does not even think you worthy of the price of a hotel room ! Where he could not spend the night with you anyway, so he does not want to throw his money away just to be with you a couple of hours , or whatever is the time he can steal from his family, when omstead he 's conveniently got a car where he can efficiently- and rapidly ! - get what he wants , no hassle, no effort, no costs.
Of course this is not better than living without any male attention ! because you are not getting his attention, only his d..k. This is no attention, -he is not being attentive to what you want or need or feel , to what can make you happy or at least make you feel less lonely- his attention only goes to making sure that his physical needs are fulfilled , with the least possible investment of time committment and energy for him !
You got a raw deal- now please do not romanticize it making it " special " or " addictive " or " exhilarating ". This is a sordid, sad story and you are whipping it all up in your mind to make it reach the nobler status of an overwhelming " passion ". I think it's simpler. You were lonely, you felt empty and bored, maybe a little insecure, somewhat depressed. You craved for attention , validation , affection- and why shoudn't you ? We are all human, we all crave appreciation, and we all have felt , at some point, that a new relationship could give more meaning , more intensity to a lackluster life ( at least, until we have understood , in time, that we can find a scope and meaning for our life in many different places, but surely not on the tip of some uninvolved, uninterested dick ).
But you are not getting attention, affection or meaning- you are getting random booty calls ! You wanted
" X " and you are getting " Y " !
It's like... suppose your heating suddenly went off, and the repairman will only come tomorrow, and you have to spend the night in your freezing, ice-cold apartment. You go to your neighbour to see if you can borrow some extra blankets, extra sweaters, stuff like that , and she says " no sorry, I never lend these kind of items. But here, I'll lend you my lipstick and my mascara instead ! ". Wouldn't you say " erm, no thanks, this is not what I need right now " - or would you think " Oh well, I cannot keep myself warm, and I'll probably wake up frozen- but hey, at least I can apply me some new make up "?
I see that your conscience bothers you because you are helping this guy cheat on his partner. It's good that you do have a conscience and that you realize you are not doing the right thing from a moral standpoint. But all in all- more than against ethic, you are sinning against your own intelligence, your own brain ! I mean, Ok , it's good that you feel bad about screwing over an innocent unknown woman - but then why are you more Ok with screwing YOURSELF over ?!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 May 2018):
 Come on, be serious now.
Special time? You’ve just told us he contacts you to have sex in his car. Is that really what you regard as a special occasion? This guy is a piece of shit. The lowest of the low, a cheating, lying scumbag and you’re really going to waste another second of your life on him?
It doesn’t need to end soon, it needs to end NOW. Have some self respect, how could you feel sometimes that ending this would be a bad idea? Do you think that little of yourself that this is what you deserve? People will treat you how you let them. You know this situation is wrong yet you’re still going along with it. You could be in a relationship with someone that loves every part of you yet you’re spending it pining over someone who only wants a place to put his dick.
You’re the only one that can get yourself out of this slump. The longer you stay in it, the worse it will be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your insights.Like most married man,he told me that his marriag is over and he is looking for a new apartment.I believed the separation was imminent.So in my mind I was not settling and this was a very temporary situation Now it's becoming more clear that he has no intention of leaving.He won't even give me the decency of bed. He always make excuses not to come to my flat.He always want to have sex in his car My heart and my head are constantly in a battle.His wife and kids are constantly in the back of mind.Apart for my emotional needs not being met,my conscious is bothering me.His wife and kids are constantly at the back of my mindAs,I said,my caught up in cycle os euphoria,let doen,guilt,pull -away,build up,then euphoria/exhilaration again.Sometimes it seems like the right thing is to end it.Other times it seems like a terrible idea.It's a cycle--It feels great when we meet up.Then i feel bad afterwards.I wait for him to text and feel crappy in the meantime. I tell myself this isn't worth it,I have to ebd it.Then he swoops in another special time together.The rush comes back because that makes the bad feelings go away from the time being.I know the affair is wrong.I don't like that he goes home to another woman at the end of the day,but I do it anyway,to my own detriment.For feelings.I don't want to be in affair,but I am in one.It's like a drug addict.A heroin addict knows heroin is bad for them,yet they chase that highI realized that I'm essentially in a time bomb situation.It has to end soon a later
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 May 2018):
In the simplest way possible, when single you have your pride, dignity and you know that you are not hurting anyone or yourself. When having an affair, you are being selfish, hurting someone else and losing all dignity.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (12 May 2018):
 You feel worse off, because this man isn't in love with you, he isn't committed to you, YET he can still sleep with you, at his every command.
You know he isn't going to leave his wife for you and you know he is using you sexually and this makes you feel unloved, betrayed and perhaps even cheap in his eyes.
He is lying to you about everything and you're falling for his lies, so he continues to do so.
You are "choosing/allowing" this man, to lessen and cheapen your absolute worth as a woman.
You are worth so, so much more than the little he's giving you.
He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better than this and you know it.
You are sick of being his part-time "play thing" and you know things will never change and anything he tells you, is simply a "false promise".
You should listen to your gut instinct here and if you're feeling unhappy and even worthless, because of this man, then you should end this connection and find somebody who truly loves and cherishes you.
The fact that he won't be seen with you in public and won't go out, is because he doesn't have to.
He's already married, he has his children, you are his part-time lover and he's getting his cake and eating it too, so why the need for he to take you out anywhere?
He doesn't need to do any "courting" with you, because he doesn't need to do any chasing, nor does he require being in a "proper" relationship with you and this is because he's already getting what he needs/wants from you.
This is how he sees it and he knows what he's doing to you, but if truth be known, he doesn't care.
YOU CARE, but not he.
You should decide what's the absolute best for YOU and being with this man is obviously not what's best for you.
As the true saying goes,
"it's much better to be single and happy, than to be within a relationship and be unhappy."
Also and i don't mean to be rude, but you should take the higher ground and let him know, that you are thinking of his wife and children and you don't want to continue with this saga.
Sometimes we have to try and place ourselves in the position of others.
If you were this man's wife and you'd had children with him, i think it's safe to say, you'd not be very happy if you knew your husband was seeing another woman intimately.
It's better to end things now, rather than to prolong your unhappiness, pain and confusion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 May 2018):
 I think it hurts because you are constantly reminded that you are NOT his priority, you value as a woman is "lower" than that of his wife, his time is what's valuable for him, getting HIS pleasure is more important to him and probably even the "status" of having a mistress is what makes him "keep" you around.
And yes, there is this odd notion of affairs and social status. Because back in the day infidelity was common in the upper classes (for the men mostly) so it because a status symbol as the man could AFFORD more than one woman. Just like in some places having a VERY fat wife is status because it means the husband can afford to FEED her excessively.
Having an affair can (I'm sure) be mutually beneficial but I don't think it's a even relationship - ONE or the other have the upper hand. USUALLY the married man.
In your case, you have NO power. You don't "matter" in the bigger picture. Think about it. You are NOT important when it comes to IMPORTANT mile-stones in life. Think vacations, holidays, family gatherings, career events etc. YOU are EXCLUDED from all this when you are with a married man.
So you HAVE to decide WHAT do you want out of life.
He isn't YOUR man.
You haven't even contemplated the wife's part in all this. Why is that? You have no compassion? You just don't care?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 May 2018):
Because it’s not good company.
You were being used for sex, there wasn’t anything behind it. You were being fed bullshit to be kept hooked and you fell for it. This was never going to materialise into anything more, it very rarely does and if he was going to leave his wife for you he would do it, he wouldn’t just talk about it.
Being alone is much better than being used. Learn from this, respect yourself and want more than settling for being a side piece.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (11 May 2018):
 Because the illusion only serves to remind us of what we don't have.
When you were alone, you were free. Free to spend your time as you pleased, free to talk to and date other men, to spend more time with friends, or doing whatever you wanted to.
Because your time with him is limited you make yourself available when it suits HIM, not when it suits you.
Cut him loose, then block him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2018): There's solitude, and there's being lonely. You can be in a room full of people, and still be the loneliest person ever. Here is some very straight speak for you. Don't settle for a guy who uses you like that. There's no pleasant way to put this. He's using you and has no respect for you or his wife. You get no emotional needs met and it's incredibly unsatisfying. Don't you want more from your life? Someone who fights to fill your needs, not his selfish wants?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (11 May 2018):
 A mistress has no real claims on a man, she's a side dish, eye candy. At the end of the day, the man is going to go home to his wife and kids and she will be alone waiting for the next clandestine meeting.
When you are alone, at least you have your pride. I would imagine that being a mistress you won't have much pride or respect for yourself because somewhere deep down inside at least a small part of you knows that the relationship is part fantasy. You have a man, but only for a short time.
As Youwish says, you are being used sweetie whether you acknowledge it or not. At the end of the day, you are alone and he's not. How is this right or fair to you? Take off the rose colored glasses and see things for what they really are. Find a man who can give himself and his time to you completely and I can just about guarantee that you won't have that sad hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach anymore.
Think of the same way as having a small diamond versus a huge cubic zirconia. Oh yes, the cz is flashy, huge and it looks pretty. You can wear it and turn heads but its fake...and you know it. Wouldn't it be better to have a small diamond that is REAL? Think about it. Your life with a married companion is fake.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 May 2018):
Because it's a mirage. It only LOOKS like water, but you're actually drinking the sand.
You're not "getting company and sex'. You're being used, plain and simple. You're getting zero emotional needs met. He has a wife for that, and he's mistreating her as well. He wants sex, and it's all selfish.
It's MUCH better being alone than used, because you're STILL alone when you're being used. It's not real. It's a mirage.
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