A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing someone ( we would have been together exactly a year next month) , but he broke up with me just over a week ago. We had an on and off relationship. He broke up with me because he said he has depression and was put on anti depressants by his doctor last week. I said to him that it's all my fault as I have Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of autism. I used to send him lots of texts messages because I was upset because I didn't know where I stood with him, I sent some even late at night, and I used to go to find him in person to ask him where I stood with him, and sometimes he would just tell me to leave him alone. He has anxiety and he used to shout and swear at me if I wouldn't leave him alone and even ran away from me sometimes. One thing that had upset me is we fell out just before Christmas and he hardly spoke to me over Christmas, but on New Year's Eve, he called me on the phone at 6.30am , and he never usually called me that early. He said that he was fed up of us arguing and wanted to try again. We went out on New Year's Eve, saw the New Year in together, and he stayed at my flat ( we had intercourse twice when he stayed over). But just a couple of days later, he said it was over again, just because I said something about his family. I said that I didn't think they should bear grudges towards me and wished that they understood more about my autism ( It's a long story). We also used to argue over exes as I don't have much self esteem and I wasn't comfortable with him being in touch with them. He used to say that we shouldn't be bothered about them. However, a few days before he broke up with me, his ex that he was with before me contacted him and said she wanted to send him inbox messages on Facebook, but they weren't going through because of his settings. When he broke up with me, we had a chat in a cafe. I mentioned his ex girlfriend who had just got in contact. He said she got in touch with him first, but he hadn't replied. He told me that he was depressed because of us and because of stress with his job and because his friends put a lot of pressure on him by asking him for help a lot. We decided to be friends and see how it goes. He cried and I held his hand and we hugged each other. He asked me to call him later that day when I got home, but when I did, I noticed that my number was blocked, so I called him on WhatsApp and he shouted and swore at me. He was drinking with his friends then. The day after, I noticed he had replied to his ex asking her how to change his settings so that he could send her an inbox message. She didn't reply to that. I bumped in to him the day after that in town. He seemed drunk and he shouted and swore at me again to leave him alone. He also told me that he was going to the doctors that night. The day after that, I saw more comments between him and his ex. She asked him to text her as the inbox messages still weren't working. He told her he had lost her number. She said she couldn't write what she was going to write as a comment as everyone would see it. He asked whether she still had his number. She then left a comment with her phone number on it. That was on Tuesday last week. I noticed on Saturday that the comment with her number on it had been removed.He kept my number blocked until Thursday and I noticed I was unblocked again as I tried to call him a couple of times. He didn't reply until last night. I tried to call him then earlier in the evening. He told me not to call just then as he was watching football, but he said I could text him if I wanted. I told him that I would prefer to talk on the phone. We spoke a little bit after the game finished, which is when he told me he was on anti depressants. We had a bit of a laugh on the phone, but after we hung up, I felt upset as I was blaming myself for him being on anti depressants. I told him that I need to speak to him again as there has been some things on my mind for a while. He asked me what they are, but I haven't spoken to him again yet. I hope we can talk tonight. I wanted to ask him things about us, but I also wanted to ask about why his ex girlfriend said that she didn't want everyone to see what she was writing. I know that I have to be really careful how I speak to him though. I'm not sure how to talk about things without upsetting him. It has affected my health that we were so intimate together on New Year's Eve and saying we would sort things out, and then just a week later, he was sending those comments to his ex girlfriend. It was even more hurtful because we were friends when he went out with her ( they were only together on and off for about four months) and he didnt tell me at the time he was with her, but he told me later on when we got together that he had feelings for me when he was with her. This time last year, he was arguing with her and blocked her and now it's like the other way around. I was seeing someone else and I left that person for him because it hasn't been working for a while. They knew each other. I have felt depressed as I felt like him getting in touch with his ex, especially just before we had been together a year, was like my comeuppance for leaving my ex for him. I'm not sure what I want to happen with him now. Why do you think he unblocked my number and responded to me, and do you think there is a way I could talk about things with him without upsetting him?. I hate having Asperger's Syndrome and hate getting ill because of it. It ruins my life. It's such a complicated condition and you need things explained properly. His ex keeps posting photos of her and her kids on facebook too. She's posted wyote a few over the last week.
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broke up, christmas, depressed, drunk, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, my ex, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): The landlady said that I'm not allowed in the pub that he regularly goes in for a while. Do you think that's unfair?.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): He apparently has been diagnosed with clinical-depression with associated anxiety-issues. Though the disagreements and ultimate breakup attributed to triggering his anxiety; you can't fault yourself entirely for putting him on medication. He was under stress from friends, his job, and dealing with his mental-health generally. Sooner or later, he would be back on medication. It is a daily struggle for people with his disease.
He may have been required to be on medication all along, but he may have stopped. Now he has a convenient and feasible excuse to push you away. He can now pursue another love-interest. He unblocked you, maybe as backup in the event things don't workout with her. Don't be a sucker. You'll get hurt even worse than you are now.
He is having difficulty coping and he's indecisive. You fight a lot, which only indicates incompatibility. Neither of you you cope well with stress; and your insecurities about the relationship are too much of a challenge for him to handle.
As someone correctly assessed in a previous post; your relationship is toxic. You're hurting each other; and you both need to be dealing with your mental-health issues until you're able to handle a relationship.
You're more concerned about his being involved with another female; so he has upped your anxiety, and affirmed your insecurities.
His rejection is the straw that broke the camel's back. Now you're competing with her; and not taking rejection very well. You want him more, to keep him away from her. His unblocking your number is just a symptom of his disease and a serious flaw in his character as a man.
I think he's deceptive and full of it. His indecisiveness is detrimental to your health and well-being. You need to block him and stay away from him on social media and discontinue all contact.
Neither of you are healthy people.
It's best you make yourself an appointment and get yourself into therapy. He's not the only one who now needs medical assistance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): Maybe you should delete his number maybe get a new phone or have someone hold your phone for you. You’ll be okay love break ups are hard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): It seems to me, that your "boyfriend" is messing you around. First of all you shouldn't blame yourself for his depression, the only thing you can control are your actions, from then on everyone else's feelings and reactions are their own responsibility. I understand that having Asperger's Syndrome would be really difficult for you, but you have to understand that it has nothing to do with his depression. Him contacting his ex and her contacting him, seems a little bit weird, however she could just be apologising or talking to him about something private. You should try and tell him how you are worried about her and your feelings towards him, this will come across better than accusing him of cheating. However him telling you to call him, then blocking you and swearing at you is not okay. Even if he is dealing with depression he needs to show more respect towards you, otherwise he is probably not worth the pain. It seems that he is very confused as to what he wants, probably why he blocked you then unblocked you. Maybe you could write him a letter or an email, explaining your feelings and confusion towards him and his actions.
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A
female
reader, italiangurl28  +, writes (24 January 2018):
I know this is may be hard for your to hear, but he is definitely not the one for you, and you are both in a toxic relationship with more downs than ups. It's hard for you to see that walking away from him is what you need to do (trust me, I've been there), but he is not a good match for you and you both have your own obstacles you are dealing with and need to figure out before giving yourselves to someone. He is unstable and this back and forth with you is not healthy, and causes you more stress than anything. You seem to be chasing after him a lot, and having to call him all the time and show up at places that you know he is at to talk to him, is really not good. He curses and yells at you, but then will contact you later. That sounds like a horrible roller coaster to be on. He sounds like he's playing the same game with you and his ex. He has her blocked from sending messages on Facebook, but then changes his settings to unblock her. He blocked your number, but then later on, unblocked you. You said yourself, you feel like you and his ex switched. There should be no contact with his ex. Only very few exceptions in my opinion, could be made for a guy staying friends with an ex, but his situation is not one of them. The fact that he ended up changing his settings so they can write messages to each other, shows he doesn't know what he wants in terms of a relationship and he's stringing you along for when he wants attention which is also why he is still keeping contact with her. He needs to work on himself before he is ready to have a relationship and you deserve to be treated better and know that someone loves you, not dealing with this back and forth, and mood swings. I don't know how old he is but he sounds immature as well. Just ask yourself, are you happy with him and the relationship you guys have, or is he causing you more stress and pain? If someone is causing you pain, worry, or stress, you have the choice on whether to keep them around, or let them go. You're in control of who you let stay in your life. Of course break ups are hard and there will be a period of sadness for you, but I suggest distracting yourself with other things like a hobby, hanging out with friends or family, and eventually getting back out on the dating scene. Obviously, it's easier said than done, but hopefully there comes a point where you will be fed up with the back and forth and realize you don't want to do it anymore. In the meantime, I wouldn't get intimate with him again until you figure things out. I wish you the best of luck!
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