A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hoping people will have insight here and thank all who answer. My friend and I are about the same age. I am a little older. I lost my dad when I was in my twenties. It was horrible, awful but I had to carry on. I grieved but had to get on with life, mortgage payments, car payments and admit that for six months I cried on my way to work each day but slowly I came round. I was out of the house at 18 and had to support myself through university ect. I also have siblings. She is an only child and when she lost her dad some years back, it hit her hard. There were times when she admitted she was rude but put it down to grief. She is in her mid thirties and still living at home. Now she is worried about losing her mom. She does not have full time employment but temporary work but does not have to worry about finances although she contributes on a monthly basis to help her mom. My mom is also not well and I am preparing for the worst. She says she thinks I am unfeeling. I think that she lets the losses that come to us all define who she is. I do not have that luxury. I would suspect that being an only child and living at home for most of her life has made her more dependent but this issue is putting a strain on our friendship. I guess inwardly I think she needs to look beyond her parents as the only thing in her world and I am feeling that I had to carry on through the pain which might make me seem hard. I think of my dad every day but had to be independent at such a young age. My question is that why is it that some people take years and years to get over the death of a parent and others, perhaps a little more quickly.
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female
reader, satindesire  +, writes (31 May 2009):
 Emily is correct. People react differently to all sorts of things, from the color of clothing to the food we eat, to the things that emotionally affect us. We cannot expect all people to react the same to all things.
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (31 May 2009):
 I had a similar deal, different circumstances, with my mother. When she divorced my father, she became a single parent and her parents (my grandparents) paid her mortgage and sent her additional money plus the money she was getting from my Dad for child support and alimony so she worked off and on. This was over 30 years ago and still today she likes to marinate in the pain and talk about how hard the divorce was and how my dad ruined her life.
When I split up with my ex and had to go through all the court BS and even a year long custody battle, I received no financial help from my family and I didn't have the luxury of falling apart- I had to not only work, pay the legal fees, and take care of my child. My mother would often make comments about how I just wasn't as "sentimental" as she and that my ex wasn't nearly as awful as her's, in other words: her pain must be far greater than mine and that's why I was able to move on. Whatever, it's not a competition over who grieves the most or whose life is more awful, it's how you handle what life throws at you.
I am still dealing with all the emotions of going through all that but I cannot allow it to consume my life and I'm not going to be defined by it either and it's her choice that she is defined by it. When her mother died, she was so angry that her other siblings weren't falling apart like she was. The "queen of pain" actually accused me of not loving my grandmother because I didn't put my life on hold and lose my job like she did over it. I told her I was very sorry she was choosing to feel very alone in all this- end of conversation. Later on, we were able to have a conversation about how upset she was over the loss without any accusations against me or other family members.
Your strain in your friendship has to do with making value judgements against one another and this can be subtle or overt, same effect though. Just because she chooses to grieve in a different way shouldn't define your friendship either. How you think she needs to handle this really isn't your call, okay? You are also not her therapist so when she does turn to you for emotional support, it's best not to compare how you handled things as her best course of action. I understand you want to help and support her but if you find yourself getting resentful or frustrated about this, certainly you have other aspects of your friendship that you can focus on, rather than just shared loss. Perhaps what she really needs is a support group.
You are not hard or heartless, you just have a different coping style. Questioning that means that you've allowed comparisons and value judgements into the friendship which will cause strain and ultimately will bring a lot of resentment into the equation, destroying the connection.
You also brought up that she's worried about losing her mom while your mom is currently not doing well: Be careful, this will be another area of potential "whose pain is greater, whose situation is worse" and comparisons/value judgments over that.
Just a suggestion, if she is your primary source of emotional support, I would expand in that area and inlcude other people that are in a more stable postion in life to lend an ear or shoulder to lean on. I would limit your relationship with her to things like going out and having fun, a few beers, play pool, whatever it is you guys like to do instead of dwelling on all the angst you share.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  + ♥, writes (31 May 2009):
Why do some people like brocoli and some don't? Why do some people get alergies and some don't?
Every one is different.
It's just life.
We all die some day.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Lina319 +, writes (31 May 2009):
 I think you pretty much answered your own question just by the description you gave. When it comes down to individual personalities, and individual environments, we all react differently to the same situation.
You cant expect your friend to deal with a big loss like that in the same way you did. You also have to consider that she is an only child, and only children have the burden of feeling quite lonely, and when your closest die, the circle of trust and happiness gets smaller and smaller.
If she has a small family in general, where the only family she has is her mom and dad, you have to be empathetic to her situation because whereas you have siblings, people that are your blood who are facing the same dilemma, you can use them as an anchor to help you heal, whereas if she loses them both, and she is left all alone, thats the dead reality, and for some people that just shatters them, so a death can be an awakening of fears that have been kept locked away, they resurface and doom and despair is all that is left.
Also keeping busy is key to keeping your mind off sad things. You said that after your fathers death you had so much responsibility it made your head spin, from payments to comforting your siblings and your mother I presume, and you also have developed a tougher skin since you have been out on your own since a young adult. If she is still living at home, and doesn't have a steady job, and never was truly independent, she has more to lose and more t o fear than you do. Her time is spent thinking over and over about her loss, while struggling to find a job and gain personal independence and freedom.
I think if you two are good friends and you value her as a person, stick by her and be supportive, dont use yourself as an example to make her feel pathetic and desperate in this time of need. She needs all the support she can get, and patience comes along with this journey. So let that one word become a friend to you too.
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