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female
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anonymous
writes:Why would a guy keep a girl around for 4 plus years as a fuck buddy? I met and fell in love with this guy over a year ago, and early in the relationship, when he told me he had been single for 5 years, popped up and claimed that she had been his girlfriend for the last 4! He tells me she is nuts and that she has always been around and has tried to ruin his relationships with every girl he has tried to date....she helped him get his place through a guy she works with and she has a lot of influence on his landlord now, so he has to be civil to her...She also loaned him a but load of money awhile back and he has been slowly paying her off, another reason she is around....she caused a fight between us, so two days after he told me he loved me we broke up....we were seperated for about a month and then got back together, but things were different, we stopped having sex and over a course of three months we got our relationship back and the romance and sex back too,then she pops up again, I get mad, he gets mad and we are broken up again......and this time I am most likely staying out. This girl has phoned me, texted me about my guy telling me how he has a bad relationship pattern, he is a liar and that he loves her and has asked her to marry him. She is on antidepressants and has borderline personality disorder (her words) yet this guy still keeps her around. He admits that she has been his fuck buddy and for the first almost 4 years of knowing her she was married and just recently divorced....(she was seperated from her husband most of that time) He calls her fat, stupid, low class and I have even seen him tell a friend of his who liked her that he should ask her out and that he was sure that he would get some if he did...he was trying to pass her off on someone else! But still she won't leave him or me alone...she says things like she calls the shots, anytime she wants him and calls him to come over he is there, etc. I know this isn't true because she hurt her knee and asked him to move in for two weeks to drive her to work and help her out because of all the things she has done for him in the past and he told her no and to fk off! Why would a man stay in this dysfuncitonal relationship for so long if he did not care for her...are fuck buddies that important to a man?After we broke up this last time about two days later he was back sleeping with her, I am pretty sure.I am very sad and disappointed by this, because I actually love this guy with all my heart, but I am not going to put up with this girl who won't let him go and he clearly is not into for anything but sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): He is having his cake and eating it and you cannot see that. You need to wake up and smell the coffee! I am in shock that you are so blinded that you cannot see what is going on here. You need to get away from him and that silly bitch. Who wants to live in a triangle? Get rid.
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female
reader, sweetheart03 +, writes (21 April 2008):
Yeah be done I'm getting out an relationship myself! So its hard for me to move on but when I go days without seeing him then months it feels good! So try and move on it will feel good when you find someone better! Trust me there is life after him! And you will be so happy!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe twists around me saying that we love each other as my believing that we are going to ride off in the sunset together, when I told him recently I never see that happening between us, I may have early on in our dating process, but because of her, I don't ever see it happening because can you just see it, we are married, and she wants to come over for a sleep over, or she calls him 20 times a day to tell him what she had for lunch or some other stupid reason? No thank you! I can see that he doesn't want to get rid of her and that he thinks she is harmless and he keeps telling me he hasn't had sex with her in a really really long time and that she is entertaining like turning on the TV because she talks and talks and he can't believe what comes out of her mouth and the twisted way she views things, he thinks it's funny that she thinks other people think like she does....I don't find her funny at all, she is disgusting and crass.
I try to tell her when she is teling me that I should leave him alone, sorry, but we have love for each other and I am in his life, and that she may think she calls the shots, but she doesn't call the shots on whether or not I want to be Michael's friend or what ever I am, I do....but she successfully made me feel like crap and hopeless about him ever having a commited relationship at least with me.
So I am done.
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female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (21 April 2008):
 Water seeks its own level, meaning, he is as sick as she is. His need for her is not about love, it's about safety and it's about power. This combination is a seductive one. I'm going to sound callous here but think about it in a more conspicuous scenario- an insecure, jealous guy that marries an obese woman. He can complain about her weight all he wants because he's picked someone too insecure to leave him and he can mask his own insecurities in the process. The obese woman can then remain insecure because he reinforces this and blame her self esteem on him- in the same vein, she doesn't have to look inward because now she has someone to blame.
These two supply something important to each other just like your boyfriend and his borderline side-kick. To answer your question about what his issues are, just look at what she is twisting around to give you that answer. She throws out the word control a lot, I suspect he's controlling for starters. He had no control over his dad leaving him but he knows that she will never leave, he has that security, and it makes him feel in control. This is more important than love, and he confuses it with love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, thanks, I am not sure I understand....my question was what is it about with him and this other woman if it isn't about love? Sex, obviously, and she seems to delight in her control she thinks she has over his life, and he is independent so it is really weird that he lets her think that way about him.
I have talked to her, but she twists his words and mine and she goes back to him with some half baked theory or scenario about me and the two of us, I heard her do this once and could not believe my ears how much she was stretching it and changing the truth to fit her agenda, which was to get rid of me! He has told me over and over again that she does this, but I didn't believe him, I thought surely there is truth in what she says, and I think she is feeding me a bunch of crap so I will doubt him and not trust him and turn away from him, and she has been successful in doing this time and again...and I am just plain tired of it.
I don't see why he likes her or isn't mad that she does this to him, it is beyond comprehension....so you are right I do think he relies on this triangulation in his relationships and I think it stems from his childhood, his dad left his family when he was around 18 or so, and his dad was a drunk, he hasn't spoken to him since, I guess....so I think there was a lot of fighting between his mom and dad, and a lot of blaming him for things....and such...but he is not abusive to me, just inattentive and unreliable at times.
I am over it, I want out of this triangle and have told him so, I just want to try and understand why he is in this relationship with this sick woman....and she tells him I'm the one fantasizing about being together with him, I can assure you I have none.
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female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (20 April 2008):
I am sorry to hear that you can't see what everyone else sees so clearly about this guy and I understand it's hard to when you are so subjective to the situation. He's bad news. He's duplicitious, verbally abusive, dishonest, has low impulse control, sexually irreponsible, and he even has you defending him and feeling sorry for him. He's not a victim. I never said outright that he was a sociopath but he has the same predatory tendancies which would inspire most healthy individuals to cut bait but somehow you find it disarming. This reflects how entrenched you actually are in the relationship. You fully believe that your behavior determines his actions and this is no different than what the other woman believes- he's gotten both of you hooked into him. Guys like this create and depend on these triangles to deflect what they really are and keep the both of you focused on one another instead of seeing him for what he is. I suggest you start talking to this other woman and stop allowing him to control the flow of information because this is limited your reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk older sister, what is it about then? And I find it hard to think he is a sociopath or a narcissist, he is one of the nicest guys I have met really, he never really fights with me, he always is reassuring and he calls me every day (until we broke up) tells me all about the details of his life and asks me mine, he has met my family and for awhile there we were in love, even talked about the future and sometimes still do....it is just so discouraging. He has some financial troubes and it has been me who has held back committing sometimes at least fully, I would be happy to be exclusive with him, but he thinks I am hot and cold and I think he thinks he isn't good enough for me....and really he isn't....but what he doesn't understand is I care more about how he makes me feel emotionally than how much money or how successful he is, he is a hard worker and is good at his job although he doesn't make big money....I don't care. Sometimes I am just confused if I am pushing him away and that is why he pushes me away and goes running back to her.
I don't know what to do anymore except let go, and when I tried, he got resistant and asked me to give him a chance. I said I had given him plenty of chances so why should I? I haven't talked to him for a few days now and told him I needed a break....I think he is just going to drift out of my life, I felt relief the first couple of days, no I feel a pit in my stomach and well up with tears at the drop of a hat.....this f buddy of his has something to do with that, she told me recently that he doesn't want me and that he will never want me and it is a waste of both of our time and I should just let him be....she acts as if he never calls me, but he does, all of the time and we spend a lot of time together....it is just so depressing.
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reader, sweetheart03 +, writes (20 April 2008):
He's full of it!!! He wants her around! And plus he lied about her they have something special and you need to know guys will lie there ass off and make her sound crazy so you will believe them and not the other women! The other women is normally telling the truth! Team up with her you see the real truth. Good luck
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reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (20 April 2008):
Danielepew is right. I also suspect she is his "primary" relationship and you got thrown into the mix during one of their down times. This guy loves chaos and has severe intimacy issues, he's an emotional cripple and parasitic in nature. She is borderline and these people fear abandonment more than anything else and I suspect he's well aware of this and is exploiting her emotionally and financially because of it. He also picked her while she was married, she separates, and now he is her "attachment figure"- he's preying on her personality disorder and you will stay stuck in the midst of a very sick relationship dynamic that isn't going to subside. Why does he stay in this dysfunctional relationship? It's a known fact in Psychiatry that most borderlines will pair up with narcissists or sociopathic types- it's like a codependent feed fest. You say you love this guy, but you are really only seeing a one dimensional side to him, the one he's allowing you to see- perhaps his most healthy side, scary. There are a lot of unknown variables in this equation and it's good you're out. Be thankful because she's not going away and he's more likely to let you go than her- it's not about love.
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reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (20 April 2008):
 It is crystal clear that you did the right thing in leaving this man. He was absolutely dishonest with you, and he deceived and used you all the time. I commend you on your thinking with your brain and leaving your feelings to your heart.
That said, I just would like to point out a little detail. This man you left has been cheating on the other woman for four years now. She may be borderline or whatever, but he has been doing her harm. He says he stays with her for the money. That's a lie, in a way: if he wanted to, he would leave her, debt or no debt. But it's true in the sense that he wanted her for sex and money, and if he leaves he would be losing both.
She has a serious problem: she is letting that man do anything he wants with her. Next time she calls you, perhaps you should tell her that you have left the man, and it would be a wise idea if she did that, too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): It sounds like a soap opera with him and you are truly better without him (a guy's thinking using the head instead of the heart). It sounds like he is either using her or he likes the attention.
You have every right being miserable, for he led you on.
Hope you feel better soon!
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