A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I find people take the mick out of me for "soft" I have always been like this, people have said I need to toughen up but I like who I am so why do people need to take advantage? I hate the fact that basically I'm going to have to turn into a twat to get respect! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Forge  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 People, in my experience (I'm the bad guy, in this case) often take advantage of "soft" people because they are able to identify the flaws and turn them into control points. They do this solely to have power over others and to make them do as they please. I admit, I do this often. At my school it's called "Sniper Bullying" where you take advantage of a soft person and make them do your bidding by making them mess with others. What's sad is that it works, so we continue to do it.
All in all, the reasons are for power, and because it's easy to get to people who won't stand up and fight back.
The whole thing about "toughening up" can be sidestepped by learning to identify and stay away from people who might want to control you. If you can't get around it, then you do have to toughen up simply by learning to rebel and say no. If you don't say against them, it'll continue.
Sorry of that all sounds broken, I'm writing at 3:25 am.
-Førg€
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 March 2016):
I was bullied a lot when I was younger. At first, I was a doormat. Then my dad told me to stand up for myself, so I did a 180: punched the first person who said something nasty to me and basically cussed out everyone else. It made them back off a bit but nobody liked me.
After highschool, I was deathly afraid the cycle would continue in college, which I mentioned to my grandmother. She then told me: "You teach people how to treat you." And it's true. If you let people walk over you, take advantage of you and if you tolerate bad behavior from them, they will do it again. Because you showed them they can. However, if you behave like a "twat" while teaching them where your boundaries are, you're still not going to get what you want.
You want to earn people's respect? Here's what works for me:
1. When you don't feel like doing something but people are pressuring you, say no. "I'm sorry, but I'm not available at that time." Don't add a reason. You need to teach them that the best person to evaluate to what or whom you dedicate your time is YOU.
2. Don't make promises when you're in a good mood. I used to be a people pleaser. And I wanted to do all the things I promised. Unfortunately, when reality set in, I realized I had less time and less motivation than I'd anticipated. Make promises you'll follow up on even when you're in an unmotivated mood.
3. Don't tolerate people's BS. If they hurt you, tell them they did. Immediately. I used to just suck it up and just tolerate it, but that doesn't make the problem go away. A friend of mine invited me to her house, only to ignore me for the first 15 minutes I was there. She didn't react when I announced I was there, she didn't react when I said hi, and she didn't react when I sat down on the couch. She just kept fiddling with her phone.
I put up with it for a bit, thinking something might be going on that I wasn't getting the full picture of, but after a while I told her: "If this is what you're going to be like the entire evening, I'm leaving, right now." After she apologized I told her things were okay, but "don't do it again." And then I dropped it and we had a good night.
4. Don't hold grudges. If you talk things out with people, bury the issue afterwards. No digging it up later to hold against someone when it suits you.
5. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Life doesn't owe you anything. This mindset will stop you from being cynical and bitter in the presence of others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): First you have to KNOW what you want/need to set healthy boundaries. It sounds crazy, but if you grew up in certain circumstances (no matter how good you think they were) you probably haven't developed a clear picture on who you are what you want and need in any given moment and may have not learned useful tools for finding that out.Maybe your parents encouraged certain types of behavior that led to you not knowing how to say NO.I speak from experience.But it can be learned. Do not wait for people to say that you have changed once you can't stand their behavior any more, which was my case. React as soon as you know what bothers you.You don't have to do it aggressively, but you have to be firm.It all starts with knowing yourself.It is never too late. It is easier to set boundaries with new people that enter your life, but it can be done with family and old friends, just takes more time. On other thing. This change can be surprising. You may get support in most unexpected places as well as be saddened by the fact that some close family members won't be encouraging. It'll take time. Be open minded, positive and well grounded.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2016):
 Why would you have to turn into a twat to get respect ?!
People respect those who respect themselves and show it- which, you are not doing when you let them take asvantage of you or walk all over you.
If this has been going on since a while, or since forever..., and if it is a problem that you have with most people in most areas of your life, i.e. you are not just lamenting one or two single, specific episodes, ..... you know how they say : First time, shame on you. Second time ,shame on me.
Do not be afraid of changing the way you relate to people, and do not cling to your excessive " softness " as if it were some precious virtue. It's not- to be soft it is only good when the situation requires, not indiscriminately every time with everybody.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): Don't change who you are just learn to recognise when people are taking the mick out of you and then put your foot down. People took advantage of me all the time when i was younger as i will do anything to help someone now i am more experienced i can see when it is too much and say no. Something you will learn as time goes on,nothing wrong with being 'soft' just you have to learn to look out for yourself.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 March 2016):
 If you reply on here, can you elaborate on what "soft" means?? How are you "soft", and how have you been taken advantage for it?
Is it relatives and friends that took advantage? What kind of advantage? Sexually? Financially? Your time? Are you being pressured or used? Do you not like to confront?
Please reply to me, because I can feel a very specific story behind the more broad post you just posted. Thanks in advance!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 March 2016):
 You don't have to go and do a 180 with who you are. But I'd say a good start is learning to say no and mean it.
So say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Women (most often) are NOT very good at saying no, when people ask them for favors or help. We are raised to be "good girls", to be "nice", and polite. But if someone constantly ASK without ever giving back - basically a "taker" it IS vital to learn how to say no. And saying no to one person can empower you to say no to others, when you GENUINELY don't want to do something or be expected to oblige others.
You don't have to become a twat. Just learn now to say no, to say some boundaries and to not expect that helping others is always tit for tat.
It take a bit to find and define your boundaries with others, but it's worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): Sweetie, you don't have to go from one extreme to the other, you just have to learn to set boundaries and certain rules to gain your proper respect as a person; thereby the kindness and sweetness you project isn't taken advantage of.
Being a twat is not synonymous with being assertive or not taking guff from people. If someone mistreats you or speaks to you in the wrong way, they are basically testing your resolve and bullying you. You have to stand strong, because being courageous and having fortitude are very good character traits. Being flimsy and wishy-washy isn't always fun nor comfortable; because most people like that are submissive or shrinking violets. It's easier to shy from things than to stand your ground and face up to your adversaries. You're young and shy, and time will certainly temper you into what you have to be in order to survive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): I used to have the same problem. you shouldn't have to change who you are, but it would help if you changed who you associate with. Look for environments well women can be soft and still get respect. for me it's a church environment. it doesn't have to be for you of course but that's where I found what I needed. The way people get treated has a lot to do with environment
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