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Why do men stray into the arms of another??

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 February 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2008)
A female United States age 36-40, *utterflyKisses writes:

This question isn't actually about my relationship, but I do have a general curiosity about infidelity. It seems as though I am surrounded by hundreds of women, whose husbands/boyfriends have cheated. I'm not baiting anyone, I really have a geniune curiosity, and I would love to have some honest answers or perspectives. What led to the affair? Were you pursued? Did you pursue? What exactly pushed you out (about your wife) and what exactly pulled you out (about your mistress)?

Most women I talk to say that they didn't see it coming, and then they are hit with, "I haven't loved you for years...". What is it about the relationship that makes you stray into someone else's arms?

I'm only asking for men to respond, or women responding about male infidelity because I believe men and women cheat for different reasons.

View related questions: affair, infidelity, mistress

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A male reader, crazypaddy Ireland +, writes (21 February 2008):

Butterfly your question is kind of sexist !!! : Why do men stray into the arms of another:

Well I have to tell you that women do it as well and it hurts us guys just as much as you.

I met my wife at her 17th birthday party more than 30 years ago. I asked her to marry me on that first night but it took 7 years before she said yes. She was and is the only woman I have ever loved and to this day I adore her. About 9 months ago I came home early and caught her in bed with another guy . I was so shocked that I went for a walk and when I came home she was gone bags and all. She had been seeing this man for 7 years and going on skiing hols etc. She has twice come home and asked me to take her back only for her to fall again.

Our 3 Sons have left home because of the rows with their Mum over this so now I have no wife and no sons and I live alone in this big house with all 11 rooms. I would have died for that woman and just loved her so much.

No human should inflict so much pain on another it's just not right. I should say that I am a non drinker or smoker and never did a single bad thing on her

I am sorry that I cannot say anymore as this has brought it all back and I am upset Paddy

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (18 February 2008):

anon_e_mouse agony aunt"Why do men stray into the arms of another??"

In short, for the same reasons women do.

It could be they're marriage isn't working and they seek solace elsewhere?

Sometimes lust and the excitment of having an affair?

It could be just because they don't love the person they're with and met someone else?

Perhaps they feel trapped and want to get out?

Who knows? There are too many reasons to list.

I don't see what the difference is whether it be man or woman. Some people cheat for the hell of it and some for much more fundamental issues.

So like I say when you ask "Why do men stray into the arms of another??" I say FOR THE SAME REASONS AS WOMEN DO.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008):

This is interesting. I agree with the poster who says that some men look outside the marriage for external solutions. My partner has not cheated as far as I know but if there are ever any problems he looks outside himself and outside our relationship for the answers and blames me for all that is wrong and threatens to leave without truly looking at what went wrong and how to solve it. Also I do agree that some men are just a sucker for sexual variety etc etc and some women too. Also agree that in some marriages, men do feel a bit ignored by their wives and they try to get things on track but the wife takes them for granted to they mess around elsewhere (and it happens the other way around too). I got into a very boring routine with my partner and he did try taking me out and doing different interesting things but I was so stressed for various reasons I just got so routine with him that our relationship soured and we have not been with other people but I think we have both been tempted. We are now having a break but are talking to try and work things out. Also think for some people, if they come across a one night stand opportunity and think there is no danger of getting caught, they might chance it for fun/danger (and I know men and women who have done that). I think there could be any number of reasons why people stray...........and to me that includes striking up an emotional intimacy with someone else even if they don't actually sleep together and I guess it depends on the individual person and the circumstances and/or a mixture of both. It's a question women have asked for as old as long as time!! Maybe we worry too much on how to keep our men interested in us and we should focus on letting them take responsibility for keeping the woman interested also, instead of letting them think we are just dispensable.

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A female reader, korculan queen Australia +, writes (17 February 2008):

Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? Because they can and they want to. When a relationship turns sour some people choose to stray from their partner seeing the problem in the relationship as EXTERNAL TO THEM and JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS IN DENYING RESPONSIBILITY for problems in the relationship. People that cheat get a definite thrill out of the forbidden love and feel safe in the knowledge that they can go home to their partner who will be there. I personally think that is the need to feel valued loved and important but is only a temporary solution as unless the cheater looks within themselves and their own problems that they bring into the relationship they will as I said above look EXTERNALLY rather than INTERNALLY for the answer.

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A female reader, Dawnie United Kingdom +, writes (17 February 2008):

Dawnie agony auntI suppose the obvious reason is they are not getting attention at home. Looking back at people i have known over the years, ex b/f's, male friends i have seen a few cases of cheating and been on the receiving end myself with a couple of exe's cheating. Some people will cheat regardless of whether their partner is fulfilling their needs. It's just the way they are. I have now been married almost 16 years and despite having children we still make plenty of time for each other. We still have that spark between us. In the case of women i suppose it is more emotional, if a woman does not feel loved she will be more likely to cheat. She will look for love with someone else. Hope this helps.

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A male reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (17 February 2008):

Why do men stray? Guess you will get many reasons from many men,as to why they cheat. But in many cases,There is only a Physical-Bond between a man and a woman. And our love often is just sex,not love at all. Whereas a woman's love is more of an emotional attachment and commitment within the relationship. There are often things that a man wants within the relationship,but what she can't or won't give,so he finds these unfulfilled needs in someone else's arms,or bed. Why do women cheat? They too has unfulfilled needs, that are more of an emotional nature,that are not being met either. So they too finds these needs in someone else's bed.

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A male reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (17 February 2008):

Why do men stray? Guess you will get many reasons from many men,as to why they cheat. But in many cases,There is only a Physical-Bond between a man and a woman. And our love often is just sex,not love at all. Whereas a woman's love is more of an emotional attachment and commitment within the relationship. There are often things that a man wants within the relationship,but what she can't or won't give,so he finds these unfulfilled needs in someone else's arms,or bed. Why do women cheat? They too has unfulfilled needs, that are more of an emotional nature,that are not being met either. So they too finds these needs in someone else's bed.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (17 February 2008):

eddie agony auntPeople cheat for various reasons but it's mostly for attention they don't get at home. When we become accustomed to the same old thing at home and the spark starts to fizzle, other options look enticing. I'm not justifying it either, just explaining the mechanics.

I truly believe that most women change after they have kids. Men change too but women change in a way a man can not compete with. The sex often takes a back seat to the kids. That is understandable but it is also a problem. It's a problem because the guy has no other places to turn for sex. He's married but his wife is not that interested. It can happen the other way too but it's usually the man looking for more sex.

The women tend to be fulfilled because they have the kids to tend to and that is a reward in it self.

That is my take on it. It's not 100 % true all the time but it's not often you have a woman complaining that she can't get sex. Men complain about it often.

It's not rocket science. Someone starts paying attention to us in a way our spouse no longer does and before you know it....the pants are off.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008):

Hmm... Just call it gluttony for me. If a woman is attractive and wants to be with me...then I'll go after her

I do have a problem....I crave oral sex [...] Plus, it is just the 'conquest' factor. I want to be able to say that I've slept with a number of females in my life. At my age (48) it's only a matter of time before my penis fails me, but to answer your question in a nutshell....I guess it's the conquest factor.

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