A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:If women get off without porn why can't men get off on the feeling alone also? Why is porn needed??
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female
reader, Lunabella +, writes (10 November 2008):
Women love their men and don't need outside stimulation to get them aroused or get them off, so they are hurt when the same kind of feelings are not returned.
Women also need to loosen up and enjoy their sexuality like men do and realize that what they are ultimately upset about is the male privilege. Men are given magazines and encouraged to enjoy sex from an early age. Women are taught to repress their natural feelings and to avoid pregnancy.
I'm a very attractive, fit, child-free and desirable 46 year old who is very eager to please, but my husband still has to look at his fetish videos online while I am in the shower and while I am in bed sleeping. He says telling me about it upsets me, so he hides it. He used to do much more "exploring" several years ago and his fetish porn viewing reminds me of his betrayal to me. I married a man who had a rare and unusual fetish, but I didn't know about it until 15 years later when he got caught. Phone bills, Internet and credit cards revealed his illicit compulsion.
My husband also explains that he loves me and he just looks at those things as diversions like the news or any other entertainment.
Do we ladies like to look at big cocks and well built men for our diversions? I think if we were taught that this was normal, many of us might consider it. Instead of looking at shoes and clothes we might fancy men as pure entertainment.
Imagine our men coming home and catching us laid out on the bed with some toys and our favorite hot men and big cock porn. Some ladies even like gay porn - all men. Put it on. Then when you make love with your man, he might think that you are using him to get off while images of your porn play in your head. (Just like he does to you, ladies.) Many men might laugh at that notion of getting revenge on them because they would love seeing their wife or g/f enjoying herself. It is a turn on for them. Horny women often make the most attractive women - not necessarily big boobs and the like.
However with many women, it hurts us to think that their men are in their own heads fantasizing instead of being with us when we make love. It is offensive because when we want closeness and loving attention we are demoted to mere vessels for their outpouring pleasure. It cuts off intimacy and it prevents us from bonding with our man. This is partly the reason why women are offended by porn.
My husband is in his 40's and I know that performance can be a challenge sometimes especially with me, the same wife he has had for 16 years - no matter how much he loves me or how beautiful he may think I am or how adventurous I am wiling to be.
Men get off seeing women loving sex for sex's sake with no strings attached. Women may like sex of r sex in its raw physical form, but also they desire bonding and intimacy as well. Women yearn for a deep fulfillment that sex for sex sake cannot offer.
I often wonder if a man's perfect world - he could have the love of his life and many girlfriends in addition to that. I think the porn thing might be related to this concept in a distant way. They have their wife and they have their fantasies. The fantasies don't talk back so it makes it easier to keep those images safely tucked away in their minds.
Ladies - again - if we were brought up differently - many of us might find that having multiple lovers is not a bad thing. It is when children and families become involved that things get complicated. Women's DNA are designed to take care of the family and men are designed to make families. When you take children out of the equation, like for me for instance . . . I have to wonder about myself. What do I really crave or desire in a relationship? What kind of man turns me on and makes me crazy in love with them? Surely, not a guy who looks at porn behind my back and uses it for entertainment.
Many women crave a mutual support system that fulfills them emotionally and sexually. So many men are unable to give this kind of attention and porn builds a wedge where mutual love and respect should be.
Some men fear intimacy and are afraid of being vulnerable. Being attracted and getting turned on by different women lets them know that they are alive, young and potent. For a women to attempt to take that away from a man makes us less attractive to them. They see that as controlling and suffocating.
Just some random thoughts on the matter . . .
A
female
reader, thinky  +, writes (16 September 2008):
Hmmm. Some random thoughts...
I've met some very talented female lawyers and judges at the top of their profession. In quiet moments, they would confide they worried about their weight, and whether they'd spent enough time with the children. Very successful women still have that dilemma - and I think porn presses that button.... what is it to be a success as a woman? Why is the most highly paid profession for women one that many women would not only failt to aspire to, but actively resent?
I've worked with street prostitutes, to try and improve their welfare. I find the "happy hooker" myth depressing, as I've never come across a more miserable bunch of people. I'd like to think porn actresses are more liberated, but not according to Shelley Lubben:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MhkqymLAP8&feature=related
One male commentator said his wife didn't seem appealing after he'd viewed countless female models, and that was the part men didn't want to admit to. I believe him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): i have a problem also with porn most women dont watch it because it is degrading its never a site for a women but for a man, now i have been studying this subject some say that men just like to see naked women having sex and doing anything, anything that they wouldnt want there own girlfriend to do, and some say its because they have intamacy problems, its rubbish men watch it because they can, they get off on it and they lie about it which adds more of a thrill factor to them and the fact that there are so many free websites makes it more difficuilt to trust men when they say they wont look at it or wont lie about it! porn is not needed society would be fine if porn was never created. women think far more than men do about this subject because we feel more, we think more and we seem to get hurt more easily. i have to say there are so many women here that i respect, you have made perfectly good comments that are true for so many of us women out there! do not let a man degrade you because he has some sick little porn habbit! porn is only nessisary and okay to watch in a mans head because they want it to be! dont take any crap from your man if he says he wont do it and he lies hes no good and if you say he can watch it as long as you know about it and he still lies then he really doesnt deserve you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I know that he watches porn and I am okay with that. I guess. He isn't trying to hide anything from me and once in a while we have watched porn together as well and he enjoys that too and I am glad we have a good understanding relationship here we can openly talk about things. Like someone's already mentioned here before, I dont have a problem with it, I would just like to know why he does it.I don't believe in things like its just typical men being men. That's really not applicable because I am a very sexual person. I have a high sex drive (like a very high sex drive) and although we dont live together we do have a very active sex life. So that cannot be the reason.The only other possibility left open is that it's because I'm not very good looking.I know he'd argue that if I had the chance to do the likes of Brad Pitt I would, for example. But I disagree with that, I don't think it's the right thing for myself since it's likely to be a one night stand and I wouldn't be up for those no matter how absolutely amazing the guy looks (I know I am going off in a random tangent. Okay I'm getting back to the topic). And secondly, just because I would do a guy cos he is good looking doesn't mean I'd have to go around searching for porn with fit men in them.I have recently found myself wondering whether he would continue to watch porn even when we are living together. I don't have any problem with it whatsoever, I believe people have the right to their personal space and whatever they want to do.I feel as though the fact that it bugs me slightly to know he does watch porn by himself is a problem of my own and I need to deal with it. It's just a jealousy thing I suppose. I wish I was less flabbier and taller and whatnot so he wouldn't need to indulge into pornography to fulfill his fantasies. If I could be what he wants then he wouldn't have the need for it. After all as far as I know, he doesn't have any out of the world fantasies that only happen in ... well..porn. It's pretty straightforward stuff and we engage in them ourselves. Then why search porn for that?Its worth mentioning here that I do watch porn myself but only when either I haven't seen him for a long time and want to masturbate or ones which involve crazy fantasies that cannot take place in his bedroom (don't want to get into details lol :P ...)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): My boyfriend and I have been together for over a yearm within 3 months we started living together and that's when i realized i wasn't the only girl in his life. from webcamming with girls while im at work to watching porn while im in bed waiting for him to come sleep with me, our entire relationship and the way i feel about him has changed drastically thanks to porn. I am not an ugly girl, in fact, all I ever hear is "oh you're so pretty". He always said so too and treated me like a queen. Then I made the stupid choice to look at the history and discovered many things I didn't want to see. It makes me feel, honestly, like I mean nothing to him. I agree with all of you ladies that are against it, though guys and some women may think it's normal, it's painful to the partner of the person who'\s doing it, depending on how they feel about themselves. My boyfriend knows I hate it, and I know he still does it. We no longer live together because porn and his ex bed buddies were fucking everything over. I've had girls that are married with kids that he's had 3somes with or random sex with actually treat me like complete shit or harass me for being with him. He is a man whore, basically, and I hate it. I love my man more than anything, well I did.. and I still would.. if he could just see me and not his computer screen. It' completely degrading and gross, and if that means I'm insecure then I'm sorry. I think it's just because I have a little more self respect than to let my man cheat on me with a PC.
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A
female
reader, alma +, writes (20 August 2008):
Hey everyone, imagine this scenario: Your buddy sends you a new text message. You open it up and see one girl inserting an inatimate object into her privates, and another one performing oral sex on a man. Instead of being happy to see your daily dose of crap, your face turns white, sweat beads up, you can't breathe, and you puke your guts out. Why? because what you just exposed yourself to was your daughter and your own mother. How would you feel if someone you loved from your family was involved in this? Sex is cheap. The men and women involved are selling themselves out. Do you know that most of those women have been sexually abused as children? Do you think that their childhood abuse was natural?/ or necessary? Maybe their abusers couldn't find anyone to willingly have sex with them, so they forced an innocent child into it. Is that "cool"? "necessary?" Give me a break. Marriage has existed for so long because it promotes healthy relationships between two people. When the city of Rome collapsed, men were commonly having sex with little boys. They thought it was natural and necessary for their well-being, but they were really just demented and self-serving ass-holes. And surely everyone here is smart enough to know that just because other people do bad things, doesn't change the fact that it's bad. Don't let a mob-mentality society dictate to you that watching other people perform an intimate act is "normal". Porn just cheapens us lower than animals. Don't lower your own standards so you can be just like your friends. If everyone I knew molested children and said it made them happy, I sure wouldn't join them, although if it were true I would want to kill myself. When you value you two lumps of fat and a hole more than a whole person, you've got a problem. You are robbing yourself of a meaningful connection with other human beings. If you can not value a person beyond their flesh, then you are doomed to ignorance of the other beautiful aspects of life, such as: 1) Making love to someone that truly cares about you and will help you through sickness, 2) appreciating the miracle of life (especially when that life is the product of a respectful wife). If men really just "want" porn, then tell me, what kind of world will this be when all of the mothers, daughters, sisters and wives plaster their "private" parts all over the internet for everyone to watch? Humans have been intelligent enough to create the internet, and now we have to use what collective intelligence we have left to stop hurting ourselves by taking demeaning and dehumanizing pictures of ourselves.Infamous serial killers always started watching porn when they were young. The Carr brothers in Wichita, KS saw pictures of their mother in porn, then they sexually harrassed a teacher, and years later raped sodomized, and killed several men and women. I contend that nothing positive comes from leering at what is best left sacred. I also contend that our children who are increasingly bombarded by it will forever be damaged by this warped "habit". If sex is nothing more than a physical act to you, then you are denying your own soul. Imagine wasting your life in front of a stupid screen. One day you'll be a dirty old man in a nursing home. When you soil yourself, maybe the only people left to take care of you will be young adults who spent their childhood watching adults have perverted sex. They have been "raised" by cold, unfeeling machines (the itiot box)where the only thing they learned to value was empty sex. Do you think people who can't see past someone's private parts is gonna give 2 cents about YOUR suffering? Believe me, they will be too concerned about themselves to care. It is coming to pass, I've worked for years in a nursing home. I gratefully was able to lovingly tend to my own grandmother personally. But what about the "parents" who spent more time hooking up with multiple partners than caring for the children? I'll tell you: My husband's mom shamelessly cheated on his father for years. The result is he loves his father and despises his mother. We will not take care of her as she ages because of her selfish abuse and neither will any of her other kids. I implore people to spend their youthful years not wasting it as mindless sexpots, but explore a deeper more lasting connection to God, your spouse, your blessed children, and if time permits, extend your heart and reach out to friends and help your neighbors when they need it. If you respect your own family members, you would be sick to see them involved in porn. Remember that if you enjoy being treated with dignity and respect, then don't be part of a decaying society. Treat everyone you meet as a person, not like a plastic plaything. You will thank yourself when your son is proud of his lovely wife, and likwise when walking a daughter down the aisle with dignity, knowing her husband loves her as a person more precious than gold, not a compilation of 3 sex organs.
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A
female
reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
Men do not need Porn , it makes them only sick in the long run. If their girl friends and wives are not good enough for them , they should leave them, It makes me sick to see a grown adult male gauk, at a computer screen of nude women an sex acts, I know of some guys who will sit almost all day and look at porn, Now that is rediculas, These same guys also cheat, lie, and are losers.Don't men know what women look like after they have sen and been married to one for yrs. Very un adult like. i still say sick sick sick. Actually, this stuff as turned me against men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Men do not need porn. porn wasn't around as long as life has existed so it is obviously not a need! i caught my fiance looking at porn today, this is not the first time either. The time before this (3 months ago) i told him if he ever did it again i would leave him and that is what i did. It is completely degrading to women and sick (in MY opinion). THERE IS NO REASON WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO RESPECT YOUR WISHES!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): my boyfriend i have been with for some time now had a conversation with me about porn a really in depth one, he said how porn was degrading to women, which i couldnt agree with more he seemed to have the same views on it as i did. After having explained to him the problems porn caused in a previous relationship of mine he swore blind he'd never even dream of watching the stuff...he made a promise and said because he loved me he couldnt watch it for that reason,because he respected me or so i thought...Not even a week later i found that he had been watching some serious hardcore pornography online and had taken the time to record it onto his phone so he could watch it whenever he pleases, i however used his phone a few days later as we trusted each other and supposedly had nothing to hide and i found it...when i confronted him he said he'd had a moment of stupidity and that he respected women and he put forth the idea that he didnt know what he was doing...what a load of bull...hence why we're not together anymore mainly because he lied and went behind my back now i never told him he coulnt watch it i never forbid it i just expressed my views on it and he went behind my back even after making a promise of his own choice that he wouldnt watch porn...i think it is a waste of time and degrading not to mention it causes more problems then it is worth, it creates lies and deceit between people and also sets doubt into many womens minds...why would anyone want to watch something so pointless just to create i life of misery for themselves and their loved ones, men might aswell walk up to any tom dick or harry and ask if they can come round and watch him and his mrs at it...essentially its not just degrading to the people in the pornography but the men(and women) watching it are just bringing themselves down to a rather low level of self respect and degrading themselves i feel...sex between a man and women is supposed to be something of intimacy and a show of how much you care for this other person but by watching things such as pornography you then make it become something completely meaningless...
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A
female
reader, candylicious +, writes (11 July 2008):
well sweetie not all women can "get off" withut porn. myself and my husband both regularly sit down to some good action on the telly. dont think it is because the man in your life doest think you are sexy enough, it is just smething interesting for them to engage in. totally natural. You should try it before dismissing it, you might find you too like to get off to it ;)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Ladies, please stop attempting to answer whether or not men need porn!!! I would never answer what it feels like to get a period, so how are your comments on what it feels like to be a man relevant? You first need to educate yourselves. Read "Brain Sex" or "The Psychology of Sex"!!! Men are, just as you are, products of millions of years of a genetic effort to see what reproduces best. And should it ever come as any wonder that men that were constantly attempting to have sex had more kids and therefore were more genetically successful? So the answer to whether men need porn is really an absolute yes, but the scary thing is the reason why. Because women allowed... no encouraged it. Yes, by selecting men who were more sexually active to procreate with women have ultimately created a more promiscous generation of men. The solution??? Just fight your very nature and select a "Bill Gates" (without the money) type, who will produce offspring that are less likely themselves to reproduce. You ask no less of men when you ask them not to look at porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): I am a female who regularly watches porn, even though I would consider myself as strictly heterosexual, I am easily aroused by wathing hetero and lesbian sex. So I can understand both the female and male viewpoint. The reason I enjoy watching porn is just strictly for pleasure, it has nothing to do with how I view men or women in reality. Girls, I know it may make you feel insecure if your man watches porn but you need to realise it DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, it serves a function.. to get a man aroused to and to help him come. That's all. With you though you are so much more than simply a tool to help him come, you are his friend, companion, confidante, etc. etc. So please girls do not stress too much about your man watching porn. As long as he doesn't overdo it, and never puts porn before you or his responsibilities, it shouldn't be a problem.
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male
reader, jay27 +, writes (9 June 2008):
Whether or not men need porn depends on the meaning of "need" (how's that for evasion?). But seriously I think they do. This points up another difference between the sexes. My experience with my wife and with other women before my marriage convinced me that women don't respond as strongly as men to sexual images. It's a rare man who doesn't get aroused by watching a movie of a woman displaying her wares or having sex with a man or another woman. Most men (especially young men), when they masturbate like to look at pictures of women; it just turns them on. But how many women want to look at a picture of a naked man when they masturbate? Not many I bet. Now back to the meaning of "need." Well it isn't "required". Men can sure get aroused and perform without porn, but it's just more fun with it.
I somwhat understand why women get upset when their man wants porn, but it's too bad they can't understand that it's just something men like and is no reflection on them.
And yes I like porn. Out of respect to my wife (and because I have two teen-age sons) I do not keep porn hidden aruond the house. However I do at time visit porn stores and once in a while some of my men friends and I get together and watch a DVD. Sorry, just the way it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): My boyfriend used to watch porn, he doesnt anymore (he says) but i still wonder why he did it. It really bugs me, i let him know how i feel about it and i ask him why he used to watch it and he just says "well they just do rele dirty stuff", i try to be pretty dirty in bed but to be honest i dont want my boyfriend ejaculating on some girls BUCKET and then me having to come and lick it off after as he is always going on about. We have an amazing sex life but i keep getting that stuck in my head, would he prefer to sleep with a porn star? Should i be envious of these sluts? Its rele starting to piss me off and i have NEVER been insecure. If a rele dirty girl bent over in front of him naked would he have intercourse with her?? GRRRRRR I dont need a bunch of male pornstars to get me off, why does he need porn? :( i hate it. Morgan
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): men don't need to watch porn. they only think they do. because it is prohibited or frowned upon by women, makes it even more appealing.
men don't understand that to some women who do not like porn, there are reasons other than 'i feel insecure'. eg. my father had a cupboard of porn in his shed that he thought no-one knew abt. it made me sick cos i would think he preferred that filth to my mother which most likely he did. therefore i dislike the idea of my boyfriend watching it because of that. yes insecurity is a factor but it goes beyond that.
men are not going to die nor will their balls swell up to the point where it will implode or explode or contract 'blue ball syndrome' or whatever lame excuse they decide to pull out of their ass.
the woman that act in the films i have no problem with. they are beautiful and is their choice how they choose to display that 'beauty'. although to me porn is like cheating, if you want to go watch other women naked then f**k off. be single. simple. u can't hack being with one person then obviously monogamy isn't for u. don't hurt someone for the sake of your pleasure and selfishness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): wow so many interesting viewpoints!
I must say that one thing leapt out at me that should be corrected. To say that porn is to men what handbags and shoes are to women is a joke. Handbags & shoes are quite often purchased in an effort to "look good" or "look better"...partially perhaps so that the guy in question maintains some level of attraction to us.
Now, would you say that men watch porn because they want to keep their women interested and attracted to them? HA!
Sorry, if you're gonna make a comparison, which isnt possible on this subject matter it should at least be apples to apples...or fruit to fruit for that matter.
Bottom line is, if you love your girl so much, why flaunt the fact that you get off on simply looking at other women? Me, I'd rather not know. Honestly, no amount of self-confidence could prevent me from feeling that "compared to" feeling that absolutely sucks and only starts the brain off with a million questions id rather not wonder about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I am a little bit baffled by these entries..
I am 29, married for over a year now, and YES, my husband watches porn online. (I found out a few years ago, when we were dating, as my husband/boyfriend at the time did not bother erasing the history on the computer)
Yes,it hurt my feelings, when I found out. We talked about it and I am over it now.
Why? I have grown out of the "little princess" dream.
Sorry ladies, but a relationship isn't exactly like a Disney movie. We need to have expectations that are realistic .. or we WILL be disappointed.
Sure, we all seek (and deserve) respect, happiness, loyalty, trust, passionate sex, intimacy,intellectual emulation, you name it.. in a relationship.
We all aspire to feel special and loved. And our partner prove us in many (many) ways how special and loved we are.
However, it is NOT realistic to expect your partner to be attracted to only one woman / man on earth. Let's be real! if you expect your partner to never ever feel attracted to anyone else over the years, the wake up call WILL BE painful.
Now.. Attraction is one thing. Infidelity, cheating and deceit is another. Needless to say that I have no tolerance for the latter. The former is not only normal. It is HUMAN: Porn is about fantasy. Not about reality. And porn certainly isn't cheating.
Ladies, do NOT torture yourselves over porn: Men love watching it, it has nothing to do with you, your body or the state of the relationship for that matter. Do NOT take the porn hobby personally, as it ISN'T personal. Guys love the visual stimulation, that's all. It is about FANTASY.
As a woman myself, I have learned that we women tend to personalize a lot of things i.e : "My husband watches porn, which means that I must be ugly and he is not attracted to me/he is going to cheat on me".
STOP personalizing things that aren't personal. Guys love porn. Not just your husband. Not because of YOU. Not because of the way you are/look or the state of your relationship. Just because. Accept it. Move on. Be happy :))
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Men don't need porn, hun. They need a way to vent on a "idealistic" women who won't talk out of terms. Maybe in their adolescents they might but porn in my opinion is a cheap drug, and unfortunately once that cheap drug doesn't have the same thrill they move on to the harder ones. What a society we have evolved into, anything goes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Men can handle having casual no-strings-attached sex with women they don't care much about, or even with female friends that they're not really very romantically attracted to in the first place . . . why can't most women do this with their male friends too? What's the problem?
For that matter, most men that I know wouldn't mind their woman looking at porn instead of looking at only THEM for sexual arousal. Why can't women deal with porn-liking partners as well as so many men can?
The answers to all these questions are that the genders are different. They're just made that way. It's not nurture, it's mostly nature.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): Well the excuse I get is that it's nothing to do with me or how I look, it is completely seperate from our marriage and that it's just something he does. The thing is, does it reduce the desire he has for me or not? I don't know. Without it, would he want sex more often?
We didn't have sex for about 3 weeks once, and in that time he didn't watch porn at all.
When he started watching porn again, we started having sex again, so maybe it increases his desire.
But if that's the case, then is he with me when we do it, or is he fantasizing about who he's seen on the internet?
I don't necessarily want him to stop watching it, I just want to understand why.
That is a big question to me is why, when he has a good loving wife who would please him in any way he wishes, why would he need to watch porn and jack off to it rather than have proper loving sex, dirty sex, any sex he wants?
Why still watch it when he knows it's upsetting to me and leaves me feeling like I'm not good enough?
The only thing I can do is try to just ignore it, but when he does it 2 - 3 times a week, perhaps more, and only comes to me once a week, he is watching it more than having sex with me, should I feel hurt?
I just don't know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I understand that porn is needed, sure some nights i really do not feel like having sex, ok, fine, watch porn. But i have to ask, how much is really necessary and when does it become excessive? I recently found a flash drive which i had "lost" about a year ago. Being that it is my flash drive i plugged it into the computer to use it for a project, only to discover over 400 pornographic pictures. yes, that right, my husband stole my flash drive, loaded it with naked women, hide it, and then lied about it for a YEAR!!!! when i found it, i decided to go to his "porn drawer" to see what exactly he had in there; 23 videos and 5 magazines. I really need to wonder when enough is enough! on top of this, which occured about two weeks ago, this weekend he is at a bachalor party for his best friend, three hours away, and yes, they are going to a strip club, or a few. I feel like crap! there are so very many ways to make a woman feel inadequet, but to do it so many times so close together. what in gods name do i do about this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I get so frustrated and so fed up with my husband for watching porn, we have had the most phenomenal arguments over it and yet he still watches it.
I told him I don't care anymore whether he watches it or not. I do though, I just said that to keep the peace because I didn't want our relationship to get ruined. I hate porn now. I never used to.
The rest of our relationship is great, it's just the porn watching and the decrease in sex because of it. I just want to smash his computer up and leave him but I can't because I haven't got the money to leave. I made so many sacrifices to be with him, I moved 4000 miles to be with him so it's not so easy to leave him and go home.
I love him but I hate his guts at the same time. I do nothing but try to be a good wife to him, I please him in any way he wishes, I've never refused him sex and yet he would rather watch porn than have sex with me.
He watches it behind my back, as soon as I'm upstairs or asleep, he will watch porn. I know because I spy on his history too. I have tried reasoning with myself, telling myself that it doesn't matter, because it's better than him going out and screwing around behind my back, and that all men watch porn, but I'm absolutely sick of it.
I feel like our marriage is based on a lie because of it, that's how bad it has got. He never wants to make love to me more than once a week anymore, or once every 2 weeks, we used to make love a lot more than that. It's over within 5 minutes and never used to be, we used to have sex for ages. When I want sex, he makes excuses like "I'm not in the mood" yet he will be in the mood nearly every day for porn. I feel he has pushed me away intimately. He seems to want me around to clean his clothes, clean the house, cook his meals, all that, but not for sex. We only seem to make love with the lights out and I think it's because he isn't really with me, he is fantasizing over his latest thrill on the net.
It has damaged our relationship. I carry all this hurt around because if I confront him as I have done in the past, it pushes him further away from me and then I feel like I'm the one who has done the damage to us. I'm frustrated sexually, I need sex a lot more than once a week and he knows this but still prefers porn. I've said to him, next time he wants to watch porn, to come to me instead and I'll get him off, but he doesn't.
I'm fed up with the lies, the feeling of betrayal, feeling like I should be the guilty one for spying on him, feeling like I am blowing it out of proportion, feeling like I am the only one who cares about our marriage, and most of all, I feel bad for thinking he was better than that and that he loved me so deeply, wanted me badly and that I was the most important woman in the world to him.
If I had known what an addiction he has and how much it would hurt me, I would never have actually married him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): my boyfriend looks at porn of pregnant women, which really does anoy me as his brothers girlfriend is heavily pregnant. hes also looked up for swinging and doging in aares near us, well i dont wann do swinging so why is he looking up this. and also its near are area which really got me pregnant. it doesnt help that hes also been talking to girls online asking them if there single and calling them babe ect, how anoying! this does really put my confidence down. once we had a small argument and i read him talking to someone saying we had split up and he was intrested in this girl. then another time someone told me hed been plaaying 2 girls agaist eachother saying he liked them and everything, well then bout 2 weeks later i found a ripped up letter in his pocket from one of the girls saying how she liked him but hed also been chating to the other girl on msn so she was confused bout what was going on. all of this has been happening through out the last year, and we also have a child together. before i got pregnant he was dumping me and going back out with me and even slept with another girl. he said it was his brother telling him things to make him do it. (there twins) nd his brother was worse dumping diffrent girls and slepping and two timing lots of times but kept on coming back to my friend who is now pregnant with his child. and the other day she burst in to tears saying lodes of stuff my boyfriend been saying and doing.saying that i did nothing all day while he did everything but in truth its the complete oppisite way. she also said hed been smoking around r baby (which im agaist) and that r baby had banged his head and was screaming his head of while my boyfriend had just sat there on the computer. hed also got every1 else to feed and changed are son while he sat there at his brothers (i was aat home tiding) and i said to my friend doesnt that prove that what he said wasnt true hed also said i had beat him and are son up. and that hed asked for them to find him another girl. ( i did knee him in the face cuz he waas trying to hve sex with me when i didnt want to aand he hadnt listened.) well after all this we fell out he said he was gunna change but the other day i got up and did everything that needed done ( feed nd change baby waashing up hovering tiding washing ect) and then the baby fell asleep on me and my boyfriend was on the computer and i aask him about 3 times to get it ( i cudnt cuz the baby was asleep on me) and he shouted at me clling me a lazy little bi**h telling me to get it my self. and then last night he was looking up pregnant porn!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I am 7 months pregnant and I have "caught: my husband watching porn--I can't begin to tell you how inadequate it makes me feel--When I've confronted him about it he acts like I'm crazy and he doesn't know what I am talking about, needless to say he forgot to delete the history off the search--It's not even like I'm not willing, why does he had to hide it, why am I not enough?
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female
reader, mrsdkellysr +, writes (6 May 2008):
I am completely amazed at all of the posts on this subject. I have been with my husband for 12 years and he is constantly doing the online "porn" thing, dating sites - you name it. I don't think there is an excuse I haven't heard come out of his mouth! Been throught the phone sex lines, watching cable movies - honestly after reading these entries - I think my view these responses has gave me a bit different perspective than when I first came here.
I have blamed myself, thought I wasn't enough - now I am saying what the heck was I thinking. Yes it bothers me totally and I don't really think is the fact of watching porn but the fact he has to hide it and to me that creates the feeling that he is lying to me and cheating - although MAYBE not physically - guess if he could be open - this would not be a question. I often find that I am not sexually into being with him anymore (he has always been the best sexually - could never ask for more!)as I KNOW it is not ME he is really with when we are having sex anymore - but, all of the women out there he is watching and chatting with. Keeping in mind he really honestly thinks I DON'T know what he is doing - Hello I am by no means STUPID or BLIND! I have always been a very open minded female and will even add - I have a very very kinky side myself However, the fact that he is not open with me is where my issue comes in. I find him repulsive to me at times because of the "unknown". I often wonder if there are other women. When he says he loves me - well frankly he isn't showing it by getting off looking at other women and trying to "connect to other women" when he is away from me! So I have to say in all reality - it isn't the porn that is the issue - it is the fact that men have excuses and have absolutely NO CLUE that just simply sitting down and communicating with us women openly would change alot for the entire relationship. We are naturally emotionally open and to be honest - if a man would be 100% open and honest with me I think I could work through just about anything as it creates a secure connection - then as your partner wouldn't feel rejected, not good enough, left out and therefor there would not be a breakdown in self-esteem and worth!
Moreover the main thing I would like to point out is men vs. women and sex drive - no offense but, men want sex - women want the whole thing not just to f*** - personally I have a sex drive most men would love to have! However, since my husband doesn't have the "open and honest" capability - then he has absolutely no clue how good he really could have it if he stopped being such a typical guy and opened up and actually showed me he did want only ME and talked to me - I don't think he could handle me to be honest about it! He would have more than he could ever get from looking on line.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I would like to get more honest answers from the guys. I recently found this list of web sites my husband had written down where he could watch porn or whatever. I was hurt and shocked because my husband always treats me with kindness, we have a great sex life and he pays alot of attention to me,makes me feel beautiful and sexy. I even enjoy getting my freak on with him sometimes, you know just having some fun but I feel good about this because he is my husband.I want to understand what he is going through, he has tried to explain but I just don't get it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Taking into account that men see it as harmless, and women see it as hurtful, the basic reality is that it affects the intimacy of any relationship it touches regardless. The difference being, if you're in a relationship where both people are like-minded, no harm, no foul. However, if you're in a relationship with the seemingly more common "harmless/hurtful" scenario, it is a much more difficult situation altogether.
It seems from reading these blogs that men overall think that women should get over it and realize that "it's not about them", and women think that it is a reflection on the relationship. Either way, it cannot be ignored that when the relationship is fraught with hurt, pain and suffering... the offended party is usually the woman. If men continue to salve their egos and libidos with "the man's right to porn" hard line, then I can guarantee that they will eventually be alone, single and free to partake of this hobby at their leisure, with no feelings of guilt or judgement.
If however, they realize that the instant gratification that is so prevalent and easily availble to them will actually do long term damage to the initmacy of the relationship, then it would behoove them to at least try to open a dialog in the relationship. As one man here put it, "porn is to men as candy is to a kid". I don't know about the rest of you, but if that is true, then men need to grow up and realize that candy causes cavities and porn can create hurts that no amount of posturing will ameliorate.
If I am away from my husband for a week, and I "take care of myself" every night, every other night...whatever....I honestly feel much less desirous of him when he finally comes home. If I abstain, I want to rip his clothes off as soon as he walks in the door. I want sex to be all about him. Any man who says he doesn't use images of his favorite porn when he is having sex with his signifigant other, is lying. If men thought that women used the same "creativity" as much as they did, their egos would certainly suffer a bruising. Yes, men and women are wired differently. But the bottom line is finding a way to make the other person happy, while not hurting them. Does it "hurt" men to abstain from ogling the genitals of hordes of women if it makes the woman they love unhappy?
Sacrifice is a part of life. We each sacrifice things we want, and even sometimes need, for the benefit and well-being of another. It's called self control. It's called respect. Before there was television, the internet, etc., I believe there was a much stronger sense of devotion and intimacy in relationships. Now, in our world of "I want it and I want it now", porn is far too available, far too addictive to men, and far too destructive to many relationships. They can go to the "candy store" pretty much any time they want without fear of reproach. Men can go on choosing to ignore the effect porn has on what I would cautiously say is "the majority" of women, or they can at least make an attempt to use a bit of self control and introspection in trying to examine why they repeatedly hurt the one person with whom they should care most about. If they aren't willing to sacrifice this guilty pleasure for the sake of the relationship, then be a man and move on and find someone who thinks it's cool too...maybe even someone who might star in one of the home movies/porn videos you like to watch...unless of course, you're a hypocrite and you don't want an amateur/porn star for a wife or girlfriend. Go on, admit it...you probably don't want thousands of strange men seeing your girl/wife/daughter spreading their legs on the internet, do you?...but it's okay if "you" watch someone else's girl/wife/daughter, right?
Every single person deserves to be loved and respected. I think men hide it and lie about it for these basic reasons.... they are too selfish to abstain, they don't want to feel like a pervert, they don't want to deal with the hurt it inflicts, they don't want to hear the nagging and they all think "what she doesn't know, won't hurt her", because "IT'S NOT ABOUT HER".
If a person is at all spiritual, whether religious or not, they should understand that the motivation to hide, lie, or deceive by action or omission are all signs of a guilty or selfish conscience. A hurt undiscovered, is no less a hurt. It simply lies there, creating a barrier between the two people that should fulfill any needs of sexual intimacy that the other has.
If you are with someone who feels the way you do about porn, count your blessings. If you are amongst those of us who aren't, then you have my sympathies, and all I can say is I hope you find the grace to enable you to get through any tough times this may cause you, and the strength to say "it's over" when you've simply had enough of the pain. Try to discover if you're with someone who will continue to hurt you, or someone who will try to heal with you. Everyone deserves to be loved as they would like to be loved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I keep finding porn on our computer and on things like his personal media player. He has absolutely LOADS of it. I had been noticing that he was going into his bathroom upstairs for long periods of time. Now I know why-- he was taking his Archos in with him.
I would blame myself and say I am not satisfying him but I know he has done this during our highs and our lows. I don't think it has anything to do with me. I do find it disgusting. I could get on my soapbox about supporting an industry, blah, blah but there have been a time or two when someone looked a bit young to me (hard to tell- they were late teens or anywhere from 18-19ish)so I confronted him. He said he didn't realize that was there and deleted it. Now I found that one, with many others, on his media player. I got pissed off and deleted those. I don't care.
I know men are wired differently but still. I don't know why I care or why it bothers me but it does.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): To answer the question, porn is not a necessity. I think if you are a single guy then it is okay to get off on images of various women or even more hardcore porn that includes normal sexual interaction between consenting adults. However, as a person formerly married to a porn addict, it is not okay to indulge in porn while in a relationship unless both parties are into it. My ex-husband used to hide pornography and spend bundles of money we didn't have on it. This was a betrayel I allowed to continue for too long. His unwillingness to give it up told me more than any words that he obviously did not respect my feelings enough. Needless to say, while there were other issues, the porn addiction caused me to lose all sexual attraction to him. His lying about it caused me to lose respect for him and we eventually divorced.Fast forward to today and I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who very openly watched porn on occasion when he was single for over a year before we met. When I discovered his "stash" while we were dating, I told him about my history with the porn addict and said I would not go down that road again. I said "it's porn or me". He very agreeably got rid of it in front of me and even showed me where there was some I had not found before he threw that out too. He said the porn was because he was single and that he obviously no longer needed it because of me. We have a VERY active sex life and have been living together for about 8 months now. He even gave me all of his passwords on the computer and full access to anything on it. I explained to him that I feel that men jerking off to the image of another woman while they are in a relationship is cheating. Watching people have sex and getting turned on is another story. We have watched some soft stuff and had some fun but he totally respects my feelings and no longer watches porn. He also canceled his subscription to playboy that he had been receiving for over 10 years. My point here is that its understandable for people to masturbate to porn when they are not in a sexually active relationship or if they enjoy it together but it is a complete diregard for your lover's feelings if you do it when they ask you not to and it can destroy relationships. If you hide it that only makes you a liar as well as a cheat. Men get over yourselves and your lame excuses and treat the women that love you (God only knows why) with the respect they deserve. When you die, surely your last thought will not be "Gee I wish I would've watched more porn". Step away from the Computer, tv, or magazine and start living your life.Women, if it bothers you that much then really analyze the guy's treatment of you in other areas of your relationship. His unwillingness to give up an inanimate object for you should be an indication of his extreme selfishness and you need to decide if its worth your self-esteem to stay. Respect yourself because if he won't give up porn for you, then you're obviously not getting respect from him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): men need porn because they secrectly wish they were the ones in the films ..... yes doing all the things they WISHED THEY COULD DO to these women or guys t ,,,, to all these surgically ehanced ACTORS/ACTRESSES yes they are ACTING do they honestly think theses women or guys are enjoying it ,,,, lol they doing it for the money ,,,, and if you are in a relationship fine if you both agree to porn but ,,,,, the ones who dont like it, well, the men are the ones destroying there relationships with there wives/gfriends etc.... it does hurt us it does cause us to feel you dont want to be with us,,, i cant look at my ,man ,, i even told him b4 i dont want it in the house if he wants porn go to the places where they show this and stay there , then he can get all the satisfaction that he wants or even better go earn some money and star in the not so real world of porn and then see how he feels when his lost his family
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): There is answer after answer from men saying it's natural it's because we're more visually stimulated or because we have higher sex drives ...... get used to it. And yet, at the same time, I have read answer after answer from women saying they don't like it when their blokes look at porn. Saying "Live with it" isn't going to help a woman who feels betrayed by her partner using porn as she's very clearly saying "I don't want to" or "I can't live with it."
Porn is not natural. In order for it to be so it would have to be achieved without any kind of technology, which it clearly isn't. The reason that men are more visually stimulated than women is simply that we live in a patriarchal society. It is a nonsense to suggest that this is natural, men with the power have objectified women. Men have taken women and very narrowly packaged their sexuality for their own use. Were the boot on the other foot you would find women with wank mags and "we're more visual" excuses for bad behaviour. I also don't know where the myth that men have higher sex drives than women came from - perhaps because post natally many women don't fancy sex. Although only anecdotal all the evidence I've seen points, in fact, to women having a higher sex drive than men.
I don't have a problem with porn per se, I have used it myself with a partner on several occasions. If you're single you have no responsibility to anybody and it's totally up to you what you do. However, if you're in a relationship it's a different matter. I wouldn't dream of using porn if my partner objected and I think it's selfish and arrogant to carry on doing so if you have a partner who would rather you didn't. Nobody needs porn.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): OK - its clear that most of the ladies don't like men using porn, and that's a good reason for men to keep hiding it. My spouse doesn't come close to satisfying me, so rather than bugging her for what I'd like, I enjoy the visuals when I get the chance. I'm not making women into objects, just enjoying the sex objects from those willing to share a view. Isn't it strange that most women can't stand men getting off on pictures while men enjoy the thought of women getting off on anything. Hey, we're wired differently. Perhaps the anger and disgust women feel is from the loss of power over men. Are these women guilty of treating men as objects to be attracted?
This is an interesting thread to read through. Thanks to the women who shared. I really don't fully understand why you feel that way - just as I'm sure you don't fully understand the attraction men have to porn. Perhaps its because men are not in the driver's seat when it c |
