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Why do men manipulate you into thinking that YOU are wrong - when they are the cheats?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Health, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 April 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 3 January 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

A few days ago, I decided to contact 'the other woman' to find out what type of relationship there was between her and my boyfriend. I suspected that my s/o was having a relationship outside of ours, and after finding evidence of cheating (inappropriate text messages between the two of them) I decided to contact the other woman.

I sent her an email to ask her a few questions, she responded that she would be more than happy to answer my questions because she had a lot to say, and left her phone number so that I would be able to contact her. I did, and she was very cordial - there was no anger in her voice and none in mine as we talked. She answered all of questions, and everything that she told me lined up with what I was experiencing in our relationship. She told me A LOT!!! She confirmed that they were intimate several times during the year, when we were in a relationship.

Of course, she contacted him, and he in turn sends me text messages basically telling me that if there was something I wanted to know that I should have asked him. I'd asked him several times before if he was seeing someone else, he told me no, so that was just a lie. For three days we cyber-argued, and he feels that I was wrong for what I did - going through his phone and contacting the other woman.

One of his text messages to me stated that I hurt him, too. How could I have hurt him when he was the one who had sex with another woman, and constantly lied to me about not having a relationship with other women?

I am already dealing with a health issue, and I can't afford to deal with anything else, something he does not understand. He thinks everything is ok between us, and it isn't. He has betrayed my trust several times, and has yet to apologize for what he has done. He has not owned up to his responsibility in this, and wants to turn it around on me to make me look like the bad person because I now know what he has done. Why do men do this?

View related questions: sex with another, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012):

In my situation, it's because of pride and some guilt. Immaturity shows in a huge way when a man is insecure. Unless you have concrete proof, accusing him does not work. He won't acknowledge his part of the whole thing bc he is a jerk.

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A female reader, open eyes 22 United States +, writes (3 July 2011):

to any women who have ever been lied to and are looking for answers:

so, this is the deal. i hope this comment will open women's eyes to the manipulative ways of men. what i'm about to say is something that all women, of all ages, should burn into their minds. my brother, a very wise and kind guy helped me to open my eyes to this wise message i am about to share. so, here it goes...

1) follow your instinct, your gut. it is never never ever wrong. we, women, have been blessed with this sixth sense. we will know when men are lying, we know when a woman can't be trusted and is after a guy, we truly have a sixth sense that picks up on emotions and thoughts that men hide. never distrust yourself. if you believe a girl is after your guy...chances are you are 100 % correct. if you believe he is after many women...chances are you are once again 100% correct!

2)many men are extremely good at lieing, especially if they came from a home in which their parents have been unfaithful and/or abusive to one another. this is never a definite, but it is an excellent predictor of whether a man who is lieing to you is being sincere or not. also, if he has friends who are unfaithful to their partners, it is also an excellent predictor of the type of man he is, as one of the responders above said.

many men learn how to hide "the other" side of them. they are extremely charming, especially in public, and are very often the type of men who can get along with anyone. they have many many friends, but not many close friends--this is because if those friends became close friends they would soon get to know the "true" and "bad" him and would not want to be friends with him. be weary of this. he will make you feel that you are "crazy" because all of these people love him and therefore he could not possibly be a "bad" person. if anything, he will make you feel like you are the bad person!

3) men are very good at manipulating you into thinking it is all your fault. you were "acting jealous and possessive", you are "too controlling", you are "always in his business", you are "too sensitive".."too needy".."maybe you're just not compatible"...it is all a manipulative plot to make you feel like you are the one at fault for recognizing that he is being unfaithful to you. he is shifting the attention, like another responder said above, to your behaviors...when in fact you have to focus on his dishonesty.

focus instead on the lack of respect he has for you, the manner in which he is treating you badly, playing games with your love and your heart.

do not allow him to treat you like you have no value except to be a pawn in his game.

4) men like this love to hold onto you and emotionally abuse you while they go out with different women behind your back. they will "swear they love you with all their heart", but then they will continue to ignore your phone calls at night, to make up excuses for why they didn't answer your calls or texts like "i fell asleep again b/c i was so tired" or "my friend hid my phone" or "i'm sorry i was charging it"...every excuse in the book!

5) don't allow a man to make you feel anxiety, pain and anguish because he is not trustworthy. it is not your fault he can not be honest, and it is your right to tell yourself that you don't deserve this treatment....that you deserve a man who will be honest and loving. love should never cause pain...love will not make you feel neglected...love will not make you feel like you doubt...if he loves you, you will not have to question whether he loves you, and if he loves you then you will not have to question who he's with and what he's doing!

to all women: learn this now. cheaters inflict emotional abuse. they manipulate women into thinking their dishonesty and unfaithfulness is the woman's fault. it is not your fault! it is not your fault! they will make you feel very very bad for accusing them. if you are feeling bad, he is cheating. cheaters, and men who are dishonest do not change. if they do, it will be years...many many years (10+) according to my brother who has one friend like this...but it will take many many years to change--most of the time they will never change!!!!these type of men need therapy, they are not good people--cheaters are bad people, and not until they are totally alone for a very very very long time will they ever see what they have done...if they ever realize it at all!!

so, if you are in this situation, run!!!!, cut off all contact, give yourself space without phonecalls or texts. watch movies, spend time with people who truly love you, and think about what true love and honesty should feel like. think about and figure out the type of good man you want and truly deserve to have in your life. no one deserves someone to emotionally abuse them! everyone deserves absolutely true, consuming, i want to protect you and love you type of love. give yourself that chance...i promise you that you will not regret it!!!~

~thank you to my brother, who has helped me to see the light. i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for close to three years, i recently got out. i am healing myself now, thinking about what true love should feel like, feeling so much better everyday. my family, who loves me dearly, have continued to help me realize that love should never hurt. love is supportive...it is kind...it is gentle and always reassuring...it will never fail you or lie to you or hurt you...true love is worth waiting for!! best of luck to all of you out there. be safe and take care of yourselves.

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A female reader, happynow United States +, writes (3 April 2009):

Men lash back at the woman who discovered their lies and manipulations for at least two reasons. One, it's a distraction. It gets the woman to stop focusing on the man's lying and cheating. It gets the pressure off of him and it shifts her attention to her and what she "did wrong." Why do we women so easily believe something is wrong with us and allow these men to get us looking inside ourselves? Two, it's a defense. A man doesn't have to really look at himself if he isn't really the one who did anything wrong. He is justifying his actions.

Stop doubting yourself. You feel hurt. He hurt you. Nothing he can make up to say can change the truth. If he was really sorry for what he did, he'd show it. He would not turn on you and attack you after he has just devastated you. He would have some compassion. Something is wrong with this boy. Run away and don't look back. WHat you are feeling is right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008):

Well men are manipulative, he was wrong and he knows it.Men are private about any technology that will incriminate them and as long as you wouldn't have found out he would not have been proven to be wrong. Therefore he has to flip the script and try to turn you into an intruder of privacy and then justify the wrong doing by blaming unhappiness with you. Men are self-serving, that's the best way to put it. Men are dogs some men just hide it better than others,or it depends if the woman is paying attention to the signs. He is sorry he got caught, not sorry he cheated,but he won't say sorry because he feels justified. That's the worst kind of cheater. you can never be truly sorry for something you meant to do. He's wrong and knows it thats the best he could come up with and that's his only defense.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi MaxSteel, I should have re-phrased the last sentence assuming that all men do this. Thanks for pointing that out!! I know it isn't all men who do this. Yeah I did get a real ausshole. I've already got draft of a letter I am sending to him basically telling him it's over, if I were to go back to him that just tells him that I am willing to accept this sort of behavior, and that he will continue to do what he's been doing. I will not accept this kind of treatment from him.

I doubt you will get him to apologise for what he's done or own up to anything. Just get rid off this guy, like you get rid off dookie down the crapper and dont think back about him. You say you got health problems, focus on getting fixed and stuff. In the long run, you're definitely better off not being with this lying, cheating SOB who cant even take responsibility for what he's done

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey AskOlderSister, you're right - it's not only men, women do it too!! I don't feel bad for what I did, it was something I needed to know and I felt I wouldn't get the truth out of him, since he's lied to me previously. He can try to deflect all he wants, it's not going to work. Thanks sis!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your input Flynn24. Some men and women can be very manipulative, don't understand why they have to be that way though. I will not let myself be manipulated by this liar, I have to be the stronger person and not fall for the crap he's trying to feed me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Collaroy, thanks for chiming in! Yes, not all men do this, only the lying cheating scumbag rats you speak of. There is no way that this can work out, it really is unacceptable. He has lied to me before, so I feel it won't stop here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Citris, thank you for your input. That is exactly what he is trying to do - make me see it from his side, but sorry that won't work. He was the one who stepped out on me, so I in no way feel guilty about anything, it really isn't surprising that he doesn't feel guilty for what he has done.

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A female reader, citris United States +, writes (7 April 2008):

citris agony auntI think this is a two way problem. I think that (some)men do this because they see that they can, because there are women who allow them to manipulate and work us over.

It takes alot to realize and learn that you are in control of yourself and your feelings and no one can MAKE you feel at fault. You choose to listen to and believe the things that men say to you. This in turn causes you to feel guilty/insecure to act out, to be the typical "weaker female".

Not neccesarly YOU, persay. I am not intending to insult anyone here, I am simply attempting to explain that everyone does what they feel they have to, to simply make themselves feel better and come out on top. Whether this is to insult someone for being ugly/fat/stupid, or cheating and then lying, or allowing themselves to be manipulated and worked over by someone they love and then standing up and saying, "but wait, he did this and this and this and now he's making me feel like i'm the bad guy, when he's the one at fault!"

Take a step back, realize that this type of man is never going to be honest, never going to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" to a woman who he's cheated on, and will do everything he can to make her try to "see it from my side".

There is always two sides to every story, in this case, there are three, you, him, and the 'other woman'.

The best you can do at this point, is know that you deserve better, walk away and leave it at that. If he wants to accuse you of going behind his back, then ya know, he got what he gave, and at least you didn't put him at risk for an STD from an outside source by going behind his back.

I hope you find your strength through all of this and keep your chin up. There will be better men out there and happier times. I'm proof of that!

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (7 April 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

Sorry to say , but not all men do this - only the lying cheating scumbag rats. And unfortunately for you , one of them is your boyfriend.

So as much as I would like to say you can work it out, you have only two choices, accept his cheating or find someone else. He won't stop there, the lying types never do.

He's a waste of space, throw him out with the garbage.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

A) Because some men (and women) are simply manipulative pricks (or bitches as the case may be).

and

B) Because you let yourself be manipulated.

No one can make you do ANYTHING you don't wanna do unless you let them.

Flynn 24

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A male reader, maxsteel86 United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2008):

maxsteel86 agony auntwell I feel for you, your guy is a total crap but your last sentence, the actual question, was very unfair in assuming all men do this. Anyway to answer your question, they dont, only the jerk ones do and you picked yourself a reall asshole there. I totally recommend you send him one final message telling him what a real jerk he is, that he's totally in the wrong and it'd be a cold day in hell before you feel bad for what you did. Be sure to end the message saying you wont be reading any of his replies and that its the end, he can consider his ass ditched. Nothing gets to jerks more than not being able to put out a reply.

I doubt you will get him to apologise for what he's done or own up to anything. Just get rid off this guy, like you get rid off dookie down the crapper and dont think back about him. You say you got health problems, focus on getting fixed and stuff. In the long run, you're definitely better off not being with this lying, cheating SOB who cant even take responsibility for what he's done.

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