A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few days ago, I decided to contact 'the other woman' to find out what type of relationship there was between her and my boyfriend. I suspected that my s/o was having a relationship outside of ours, and after finding evidence of cheating (inappropriate text messages between the two of them) I decided to contact the other woman.I sent her an email to ask her a few questions, she responded that she would be more than happy to answer my questions because she had a lot to say, and left her phone number so that I would be able to contact her. I did, and she was very cordial - there was no anger in her voice and none in mine as we talked. She answered all of questions, and everything that she told me lined up with what I was experiencing in our relationship. She told me A LOT!!! She confirmed that they were intimate several times during the year, when we were in a relationship.Of course, she contacted him, and he in turn sends me text messages basically telling me that if there was something I wanted to know that I should have asked him. I'd asked him several times before if he was seeing someone else, he told me no, so that was just a lie. For three days we cyber-argued, and he feels that I was wrong for what I did - going through his phone and contacting the other woman.One of his text messages to me stated that I hurt him, too. How could I have hurt him when he was the one who had sex with another woman, and constantly lied to me about not having a relationship with other women? I am already dealing with a health issue, and I can't afford to deal with anything else, something he does not understand. He thinks everything is ok between us, and it isn't. He has betrayed my trust several times, and has yet to apologize for what he has done. He has not owned up to his responsibility in this, and wants to turn it around on me to make me look like the bad person because I now know what he has done. Why do men do this?
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female
reader, happynow +, writes (3 April 2009):
Men lash back at the woman who discovered their lies and manipulations for at least two reasons. One, it's a distraction. It gets the woman to stop focusing on the man's lying and cheating. It gets the pressure off of him and it shifts her attention to her and what she "did wrong." Why do we women so easily believe something is wrong with us and allow these men to get us looking inside ourselves? Two, it's a defense. A man doesn't have to really look at himself if he isn't really the one who did anything wrong. He is justifying his actions.
Stop doubting yourself. You feel hurt. He hurt you. Nothing he can make up to say can change the truth. If he was really sorry for what he did, he'd show it. He would not turn on you and attack you after he has just devastated you. He would have some compassion. Something is wrong with this boy. Run away and don't look back. WHat you are feeling is right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Well men are manipulative, he was wrong and he knows it.Men are private about any technology that will incriminate them and as long as you wouldn't have found out he would not have been proven to be wrong. Therefore he has to flip the script and try to turn you into an intruder of privacy and then justify the wrong doing by blaming unhappiness with you. Men are self-serving, that's the best way to put it. Men are dogs some men just hide it better than others,or it depends if the woman is paying attention to the signs. He is sorry he got caught, not sorry he cheated,but he won't say sorry because he feels justified. That's the worst kind of cheater. you can never be truly sorry for something you meant to do. He's wrong and knows it thats the best he could come up with and that's his only defense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi MaxSteel, I should have re-phrased the last sentence assuming that all men do this. Thanks for pointing that out!! I know it isn't all men who do this. Yeah I did get a real ausshole. I've already got draft of a letter I am sending to him basically telling him it's over, if I were to go back to him that just tells him that I am willing to accept this sort of behavior, and that he will continue to do what he's been doing. I will not accept this kind of treatment from him.
I doubt you will get him to apologise for what he's done or own up to anything. Just get rid off this guy, like you get rid off dookie down the crapper and dont think back about him. You say you got health problems, focus on getting fixed and stuff. In the long run, you're definitely better off not being with this lying, cheating SOB who cant even take responsibility for what he's done
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey AskOlderSister, you're right - it's not only men, women do it too!! I don't feel bad for what I did, it was something I needed to know and I felt I wouldn't get the truth out of him, since he's lied to me previously. He can try to deflect all he wants, it's not going to work. Thanks sis!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input Flynn24. Some men and women can be very manipulative, don't understand why they have to be that way though. I will not let myself be manipulated by this liar, I have to be the stronger person and not fall for the crap he's trying to feed me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCollaroy, thanks for chiming in! Yes, not all men do this, only the lying cheating scumbag rats you speak of. There is no way that this can work out, it really is unacceptable. He has lied to me before, so I feel it won't stop here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCitris, thank you for your input. That is exactly what he is trying to do - make me see it from his side, but sorry that won't work. He was the one who stepped out on me, so I in no way feel guilty about anything, it really isn't surprising that he doesn't feel guilty for what he has done.
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female
reader, citris +, writes (7 April 2008):
 I think this is a two way problem. I think that (some)men do this because they see that they can, because there are women who allow them to manipulate and work us over.
It takes alot to realize and learn that you are in control of yourself and your feelings and no one can MAKE you feel at fault. You choose to listen to and believe the things that men say to you. This in turn causes you to feel guilty/insecure to act out, to be the typical "weaker female".
Not neccesarly YOU, persay. I am not intending to insult anyone here, I am simply attempting to explain that everyone does what they feel they have to, to simply make themselves feel better and come out on top. Whether this is to insult someone for being ugly/fat/stupid, or cheating and then lying, or allowing themselves to be manipulated and worked over by someone they love and then standing up and saying, "but wait, he did this and this and this and now he's making me feel like i'm the bad guy, when he's the one at fault!"
Take a step back, realize that this type of man is never going to be honest, never going to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" to a woman who he's cheated on, and will do everything he can to make her try to "see it from my side".
There is always two sides to every story, in this case, there are three, you, him, and the 'other woman'.
The best you can do at this point, is know that you deserve better, walk away and leave it at that. If he wants to accuse you of going behind his back, then ya know, he got what he gave, and at least you didn't put him at risk for an STD from an outside source by going behind his back.
I hope you find your strength through all of this and keep your chin up. There will be better men out there and happier times. I'm proof of that!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Hi,
Sorry to say , but not all men do this - only the lying cheating scumbag rats. And unfortunately for you , one of them is your boyfriend.
So as much as I would like to say you can work it out, you have only two choices, accept his cheating or find someone else. He won't stop there, the lying types never do.
He's a waste of space, throw him out with the garbage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): A) Because some men (and women) are simply manipulative pricks (or bitches as the case may be).
and
B) Because you let yourself be manipulated.
No one can make you do ANYTHING you don't wanna do unless you let them.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 well I feel for you, your guy is a total crap but your last sentence, the actual question, was very unfair in assuming all men do this. Anyway to answer your question, they dont, only the jerk ones do and you picked yourself a reall asshole there. I totally recommend you send him one final message telling him what a real jerk he is, that he's totally in the wrong and it'd be a cold day in hell before you feel bad for what you did. Be sure to end the message saying you wont be reading any of his replies and that its the end, he can consider his ass ditched. Nothing gets to jerks more than not being able to put out a reply.I doubt you will get him to apologise for what he's done or own up to anything. Just get rid off this guy, like you get rid off dookie down the crapper and dont think back about him. You say you got health problems, focus on getting fixed and stuff. In the long run, you're definitely better off not being with this lying, cheating SOB who cant even take responsibility for what he's done.
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