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Why do men go to massage parlors? Is my husband a sex addict?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 September 2007) 47 Answers - (Newest, 12 February 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *urly99 writes:

Just want to find some answers, my boyfriend went to a massage parlor and want to find out why men go to these places? he says he doesnt know. I am wondering if he is a sex addict? Does he really love me? how can he when he went there? If there is anyone out there who works in a massage parlor could you get in touch so maybe i can understand a little bit more!

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A male reader, Funluvver United States +, writes (12 February 2013):

I am disappointed to see so many women who do not understand the male physiology.

Men are built to breed with as many women as possible.

We were not made to be monogamous. It is a struggle every day to remain monogamous for those who are. I have never met a straight man in 25 years of traveling the world who does not have the same urges I do. We see a woman for the first time, we imagine ourselves having sex with her...in about 2 seconds we can run through the whole scenario. It happens dozens of times per day. Professionals or blue collar workers alike, men are men.

But it does not mean we do not love our wives and the mother of our children.

We appreciate all they have given us and genuinely work hard for their respect. We would be much worse off without them in our lives. And most of us will not love them any less because we need an adventure from time to time.

But lifelong monogamy is not part of our DNA...we were made, like most males of any species, to seek out as many partners as possible to reproduce. It propagates the species, and yes, it is a very primal notion. The notion and nature does not change just because we are in the 21at century. The male anticipation of sex and intensity of orgasm demands this behavior, and it becomes over-powering and, to some, even controlling. Men do stupid things to achieve it, but it is natural.

Those of us who can moderate it and do it safely while still returning home to our responsibilities and family life, I believe make a stronger family unit.

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A male reader, spira_9 Australia +, writes (25 September 2011):

You are being too vague, do you have sex often? I'm sick of all these righteous women saying that its all the mans fault.

Ill give you my experience.

I have been in a healthy loving relationship for years. I am engaged and love my relationship and my fiance and look forward to the rest of our lives.

however there is a component missing. We do not have sex. She has no desire in sex at all no interest whatsoever. we are not old people either 26 and 24.

We have had sex under 5 times in those 7 years.

I have NEVER gone to a massage parlour, brother, prostitute, anything like that in those 7 years,

IT is an extrememly hard thing to do for a man. with all that temptation i have not gone to one of these places.

Your man is weak. and has succumbed to temptation.

i cant tell you how many times i have wanted to go to one of these places and release my sexual tension. but no i still stay faithful. Being a man and not having sex is an extrememly difficult thing to do. Something that a woman will never understand.Just like how dont understand womens mood swings and emotions.

Not being able to have sex regularly has put me into a terrible addiction to porn. Not vile stuff, mainly softcore. I cant get enough though, i hate myself because i look at this stuff, but if i didnt, i wouldhave probably gone and cheated a long time ago. I guess you can say that porn is saving our relationship but i hate that i look at it. I wish i could be intimate with my fiance, because she is the only one i want to be intimate with. But let me tell you, it is extremely difficult for me to be faithful when there is no sex in the relationship.

i wish women would realise that sometimes it isnt the man. its you who is the problem.

Just like Eddie murphy once said, all women need to do is have sex with there husband.

think about it next time women. not all men are cheating liars. i take extreme offence to that.

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A male reader, christian uncle United Kingdom +, writes (29 August 2011):

Wine'ing n dinning cost as much as going to a parlour, and wine'ing n Dinning doesnt guarantee any hanky panky.

But at least Wine'ing n Dinning has no chance of you catching STI's. Though taking her back to your place still could.

Stuck between a rock n a hard place.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

to the last anon person: i am glad you are divorcing your hb. his cheating was a blatant deliberate act. let him get someone else to slog for him- let his obese self and his unemployed self find another source to use.

YOU move forward, you create a life without him and you take all your blessings and be happy. you can and will move on. do not look back and just focus on you and your happiness.

LoveGirl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

Last month, I was tested positive for a STD. I have been with my husband for 18 years and never intimate with another man during that entire time. Before I meet my husband I was celibate for 4 years. Not a promiscuous person. I truely believed my husband was faithful to me and therefore, after being tested before we got together, never used condoms for sex.

After testing positive for the STD, I confronted my husband (who is 47) who initially lied, but then admitted to visiting massage parlors, saying he would get a hand job or blow job. Then after some pushing he admitted to having intercourse as well. The kicker was he said he's been doing for 3 years!

My husband has not worked for almost 5 years because of injuries and has been fighting WSIB the entire time. So during this time he was really pretty much dependent on me. He gain a lot of weight, was diagnosed with anxiety/depression. I noticed the last 3 years of our relationship that he was becoming more and more emotionally distant and less intimate. When I would question him about the intimacy he would say that it was his depression meds. and I needed to be more agressive. I NEVER put him down because of his weight, his lack of work or turned him away and it always seemed that I was the one initiating any intimate contact.

I was very unhappy because I didn't feel loved and I felt he wasn't happy with me. I question him often on this saying that there was something wrong and that I didn't believe he was happy but he would always say it wasn't me, that he was happy. I even asked him if he was seeing someone else but of course he wasn't man enough to tell me what was going on.

So, imagine how I feel, having supported this man, financially, mentally and in what ever way I could have him tell me this. I just can't figure it out. I am not unattractive. I work out regularly and am in good shape. I have a very successful career. And I wanted my husband.

I feel so betrayed and "dupped". Imagine, out of work and spending money on massage parlors when he had a very willing wife at home. What the fuck!!

Needless to say we are separating and in the process of selling the house. I could never trust this man again and I can hardly even look at him. He is a stranger to me.

I can so relate with some of the postings here. It seems you cannot trust anyone. I've learned a lot from this deception and will not find myself in the same situation again.

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A male reader, mylife77 United States +, writes (4 April 2011):

I was happily married and, having embraced Christianity as a young man, the whole lusting with the eye deal mattered, and I set my heart on being a good man and finding a wife to share healthy passion with. I would be careful to not even look at another woman.

Having been rejected by some women before marriage, compared to other men in these woman's lives (the 6 ' 4" guy a girlfriend lost her virginity to - she just had to share that with me) in a sense, left me with a feeling of thinking and hoping this would be resolved in marriage. My wife at times seemed to leave it open ended what she thought, I figured it the due process of finding yourself in marriage and pressed on, assuming oneself accepted, embrace, and enjoying the supposed validation sex should bring to two people in a relationship. however a comment here and there, a reaction to another man that was not given me, and then gradually escalating attitudes left me either confronting her or a feeling of growing invalidation or emasculation from her. I would get ripped off in business and she's seemingly pick the other side, without knowing facts, etc... I'd be left wanting to validate myself, but also feeling ...wtf?

Then with the introduction of the internet, the enticement of controlling the feeling of desire in a safe interaction slowly got ahold of me. I'd feel like crap, grieve over my expectations of myself, and beliefs. I'd want to come clean and get it right, but I realized I was pissed at her lack of interest and participation in the relationship, as it could be reflected in sex, but also other areas of life. Then she found a woman friend, and all of a sudden she has this passion for someone, and even showed interest in sex after being with her. This all escalated and through confronting her, she sabotage the relationship which ended in divorce, and I'd lived 15 years having regular sex with someone that said she should have gotten rid of me a long time ago. The failure and rejection at intimacy further pushed me into pornography, and then feeling burned by it all for years, and isolated by all the work I had to due to pay to be divorced, I eventually stopped into a strip club, just wanting to see if a woman would show me any genuine interest in between the exploitation, I had no energy to risk a normal relationship, my connection to my kids kept me in harms way of her emasculating comments. After being married for that long, I deeply craved human touch, and the feelings of loneliness were intense, and I got to the point of realizing no one cared for my needs. and began going to massage parlors. being a decent looking guy, and thinking my ex was part lesbian, I found some woman appalled I did not have a girlfriend (as much as you can trust anyone's sincerity in that situation) but my bitterness thought, no one is sincere, so I stopped caring about my beliefs, my self perception. I felt even more separated, from normal life, but being separated from my family, my kids, I felt disconnected and a need to connect somewhere.

All this being said, my soul is deeply violated at my own behavior. I go on a misguided search for intimacy. Woman have let men down, and I had been giving it my all.

I think I will coming out of it soon, and giving myself the credit I deserve I think it was not really me, but my ex's own need to validate herself at my expense, and I will find someone to embrace for all the right reasons, and enjoy healthy sex as well. I am concerned and hope I have not been infected with anything, and need to be tested. It has been many years of hell, harming my own self perception almost in agreement to someone's twisted perception of me. I think to think better of myself and spend time with someone that agrees. I worry, I am an honest person, but want to leave the memory of my behavior behind. It does harm to you. I hear my son's girlfriends at times saying emasculating things to them, I hope in jest. I think woman's handling of the male ego is the other side of the coin of this behavior that leads to porn, etc.... It take a bigger man to live above a history of emasculation by woman, he needs to forgive, think better of himself. There are better women out there that realize what is at the root of a man's emotional life, but ultimately, it's the mans responsibility to embrace the right behavior that will form in him a dependable character, that can lead him into a faithful fulfilling relationship in which he can enjoy the trust , admiration and respect of a good woman.

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A female reader, DJLady United States +, writes (24 August 2010):

I will say this one thing. Look up the 13 characteristics of a sexual pervert, and ALL of you idiot men fit the profile. All I see are excuses and excuses for your behavior.

You do not want sex, you want control. Most of you men have been emasculated by women. And you are too cheap to go get a real whore.

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A male reader, Wrestler United States +, writes (2 August 2010):

Do car mechanics check your glove box or adjust the rear view mirror for an up skirt? I had A GF you when we first met announced she had an appointment to provide massages , In my raising I felt awkward and protective taboo thoughts. The relationship with the clients was helpful and she thought healing to the family who was present when dad was being treated. I broke up with her due to the fact she found human touch to be a tool and not a fix to a relationship.She never practiced on me and I respected her and wish she had found the way to share that what I wanted was her touch.

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A female reader, valeska United States +, writes (4 May 2010):

My question is this. My husband is in his early 70's. We have a decent sex life given his/my age. Recently I found out that he goes for "massage" with a happy ending.

He claims that this has nothing to do with me - it is not infidelity - just an autonomous need on his part. He feels separate and independent.

My feeling is that if he needs this to make him feel "separate and independent" or "autonomous" that he doesn't need to be in a marriage.

I'm quite confused about this - I see and read that this is not at all uncommon but I feel repulsed when I think about him in this situation.

So this is not as much an answer as a continuation of your question. He does not go to a "massage parlor" - just to an independent "therapist."

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A male reader, yesir United States +, writes (3 April 2010):

I went for the attention, i went to one in atlantic city, nj 3 times.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009):

Dear Curly 99,

i can't give you an answer as to whether your friend is a sex addict, however, I do have some insight on this problem.

I have dated a man for 7 years. I was married and widowed. Two years ago he moved in with me.This was his idea by the way. This year,in February I bought my new computer, and discovered 5 months later, not pretty porn, but very vile porn on my computer.

Yes, the man is a sex addict. He does phone sex to New Mexico at $84 a pop,and visits the Massage Spa's (formerly known as massage parlors run by mostly Korean and Phillipino women)directly in my neighborhood, for $75 to over $200 a pop. And lets not forget the "Adultmeeet" and "Fuckbuddy" sites on the internet, and guilty pleasures sites.

He's outta here. So become an investigator, know what's going on, and make your decision.

Can you live with what you find out, or are you as selfish as I am. Addicts relapse, it's part of the process. Hisproblem becomes your problem. My ex-friends problem has been there for 20 years, fortunately, it had little to do with me.

Because of this debacle, Not only was I emotionally hurt, but I am going through HIV and STD tests in order to insure my physical being.

He said just because men look at porn on the internet doesn't mean theyre doing anything else. In his case, this was never true.

I wish you luck. But follow your gut. Not all men, but some men have secret lives, and are too cowardly to lay all the facts on the table and give the woman a choice, if she wants to go along with this nonsense.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009):

I have been with my partner for 5 years - we have 2 children, the youngest I gave birth to 5 months ago. I just found out 3 weeks ago that he has been visiting thai hookers for the last 12 months. He has been 25+ times. I am absolutely devasted and so confused about the situation. We have a great sex life and get on well. He was so "not the type" which makes things even scarier because it just shows you that you never really know someone. He was doing this while I was pregnant and although he said he used a condom, he put me and our unborn child at risk of infection - lets face it, condoms split - his behaviour was so risky it seems unforgiveable. I also found out 8 weeks ago that my mum has cancer and she is staying with us. Even after this news he still did not stop and it only stopped because I caught him. I feel like I dont know him anymore. I can understand that a man might try this once to live out some form of fantisy but his obsessive behaviour is more than this. We are both attending counselling but I don't know how things are going to turn out. All I do know is that I have to try for the sake of me and my kids. It is so hurtful to put someone you love through this so maybe men should think about this before they pay for sex. Its just not worth it!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009):

I have to admit that I have been to a massage parlour. The reasons are my own, but here is the short version. My girlfriend of over 6 years never has sex with me due to a mental condition. The reason I go is obvious, it provides me with a sense of relief and lets me spend time with a lovely woman who cares for my needs. I leave feeling refreshed and relaxed. It has nothing to do with love or cheating or whatever you may consider it. I love my girlfriend very much and would never leave her. It allows me to spend time with my girlfriend without being overly stressed by her condition or day to day life.

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A female reader, Perrier03 United States +, writes (14 November 2008):

I have been a "massage parlor" worker for a year now - actually, it's not massage, but energy work. Never thought I would do this sort of work, but I was cut from my high paying job because I knew too much about an environmental issue and was suffering pre-parkinson symptoms because of the effects.

Anyway, at 45 and out of work & medical bills to pay (I'm still in great shape), I applied for everything, including office cleaning evenings and didn't even get a call back for that.

Saw an ad, decided to give it a try. It has sustained me along with my now full time job that I can't live on.

What I can tell you, is that I used to be very suspicious about my boyfriend, and always consumed with thoughts that he was cheating on me. My attitude has totally changed.

Not all men go there for sex. In fact, I had a client come see me one night because he went to a place that just had a bed and a bowl full of condoms - and he walked out. Depending on where they go, and I've heard that the asian spas are everything goes -- I would say 20% ask for sex. And they don't always get it. There are alot of men out there who go to these establishments that do not want sex. And if they do get it, generally it's more than the standard fee.

Why do they frequent? It's all walks, sizes and shapes. No standard to the clients. All humans crave human touch - and it's healthy & healing. Check out Reiki websites.

One of our girls would not allow any mutual touching what so ever. Everyone thought she would fail, but the guys loved it and she was always booked! She has since gone independant and doing very well.

Have you ever gone for a massage and wanted to kick off the sheet? It's a full body massage - and every part of the body benefits. I love having my butt rubbed, and I can't get that at massage envy.

Lastly, the happy ending (hand job), is a bioligcal function, and men's bodies are programed to constantly fill the prostate and require release. It's not that they don't love you, it's a mother nature function. To learn more check out www.hotprivatelives.com. Gives an instructional video on how the male anatomy works. You could even learn a few tricks to learn at home, and he won't have to frequent again.

Anyway, I wouldn't stress about it. Total body massage is healthy - keeps the prostate healthy and in good shape.

I finally came clean to my boyfriend about my activity for he last year, (I don't overstep boundaries nor provide full service) and he dumped me in no time flat. So, men frequent, (and I think he has) but they can't handle the thought of their wives or girlfriends doing it. Double standard!

Why don't you tell him "it's fine honey, just as long as you don't mind me taking on a few appointments per week on the giving end.

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A female reader, Jayjay113 United Kingdom +, writes (10 November 2008):

Am 23 and has just found out my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes at massage parlours for two years. We've been married for six mths now but weeks before our wedding I noticed from his bank statements that he was withdrawing similar amounts of money(about £70)several times a month. When I first discovered this and asked him he claimed he had lent the money to his friend, then I noticed a pattern: The withdrawal was about the same time of day each time- just after he'd finished work. His response was that he was gambling (I didnt believe it). I promised to cancell the wedding if he didnt tell me the truth and even spoke to his mother about it. She then spoke to him and of course believed him saying she was disappointed but had every faith he wouldnt do it again.

Two months after our wedding, after checking his bankstatements these £60-£70 wer still coming out and after confronting him, he again said he still had a gambling problem but would fix it. I insisted on being presented with a copy of all the transactions on his account and he suggested adding me to the account. The withdrawals stopped but I wanted to know the truth about what the money was for so after nagging him for months he cracked, told me what happened, that he'll never do it again and that he loved me and had stopped because he wasnt proud of himself, he cried and begged, he said he wanted to stop without hurting me an his family (Who were devasted as well) which is why he lied. But I cant get over it! He married me knowing he was keeping this awful secret, Ive never been unfaithful to him since our 6 years together (Its not like I wouldnt enjoy or have fantasies of bedding some hot guy), women have the same needs. Whats happen to being loyal? He was my best friend, weve been through so much, weve shared so much and acheived so much together and he risked it all...I want to move on, away from him. The thought of him having sex with these sluts is utterly devastating!!! I thought our life was great, he said it was which makes it so much harder to understand. ITS DIFFICULT!!!

Obviously I feel totally naive, only now do I notice all these dodgy massage parlours and its so sad that so many wives are still unaware that their lovely, supportive husbands are sleeping with whores. ITS NOT WORTH IT GUYS!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008):

Mr Anon 24th October if you carry on with the same attitude no one will go out with you.Maybe for your entire life.For your information there is no such thing as plain or beautiful woman.Its you guys who classify us as such.Every woman is special in her own way.There are guys who realize this and are happy with their partners.May I add unlike you who thinks if a woman rejects him her entire character is flawed.(To myself:No swearing Bugs.AnnaLisa,eyes and Emily's efforts are not to go to waste)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008):

"According to WHO, "In order to achieve ... risk-reducing practices, it is essential to avoid discrimination against people engaged in prostitution, and to ensure their active participation in prevention and care efforts." Mr anonymous 28th May...

Are you married, cause I think I've fallen in love with you. I wish more women had the respect you have for women that are doing a well needed job. There is so much hate from women to women, that it sad to see that you, a man, can see clearly and love and respect all women, and value them as human beings and worthy of our respect. A well needed addition to Dear Cupid, and a sad reflection of the hate and jealousy that exists in womankind. Maybe one day all people will think like you and we can get together and work our problems out. You sir, are what I call a true gentleman. Thank you very much...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008):

Yes, I agree with that last post.

Too many women are brought up being brainwashed by their parents to marry a wealthy man. A doctor or lawyer. These women don't want to marry for love (except the love of money).

So how is this kind of woman any better than a prostitute?

Too many women are too picky. They bash men for being superficial and only being interested in a woman's body or looks, and they pat themselves on the back for being "enlightened" and only interested in him as a person.

Yeah, right. If women marry an ordinary looking guy, they

are marrying him for his wallet.

I find many women (even plain looking ones) who think they're too good for me. As if... Not too good, just too

money hungry.

So if a guy goes to a prostitute to get some attention, at least there's no pretense there by the woman accepting money for sex. She's there for that reason. The roles are very

straightforward.

Sure, there's not the same intimacy, and there's a health risk. But how do I know that the next woman I date isn't

walking around with Herpes...?

I'm not saying all women are gold-diggers, and I'm not saying that all women only date good looking guys, but when

ordinary looking women turn down a request for a date

from an ordinary looking guy, you've got to wonder what she'll spread her legs for... $$$...?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008):

I will be up front and honest about this.

I am a guy who has visited one particular massage parlor not far from where I live. There was one particular woman that I

would "hire" each time I went and we'd have sex after the massage. I always used a condom.

I don't think its fair to say that all massage therapists are whores. Some are professional and will ask a customer to leave if the customer propostions her for sex.

But the parlor I went to, the whole massage/sex thing was taboo. Negotiating for "extra" services was done behind closed doors and never mentioned in the "lobby".

Ok, I'm sure you're asking why I went. I guess most females don't find me attractive, or at least not enough to agree to a date with me. And I don't want them to go out with me on a mercy date. So at a massage parlor I could get some attention that I wouldn't get otherwise.

Before I ever stepped foot in a massage parlor I had no suceess getting dates. I'd ask women out and just get

brushed off. After every rejection I just got more and more fed up with the whole thing. Even personal ads and dating services didn't work for me.

Was I looking for sex on those dates? No. Maybe just some

friendship. I got the impression that most of these single

women weren't looking for a husband as much as a cash-cow.

I haven't been back to that parlor in well over a year. I'm

as much concerned about disease as I am about getting busted in a police raid. So I just don't go. Not to mention that I have better things to do with my money than pay someone to

spread her legs for me.

I have gone to a few legitimate massage therapists as well.

I enjoy the experience of just getting some time to relax

and remove some of the knots and muscle tension.

Do I feel lonely and empty? Yes! But I just try to find hobbies and other "distractions" to occupy my time so I don't dwell on the fact that I am not a "desirable" catch.

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A male reader, lkit United States +, writes (13 October 2008):

I go to massage parlors because my life has no room for relationships with women otherwise. I care for an autistic son and have a daughter who is in recovery from a rape that occured nine years ago. I was the caretaker of a dying father and safely escort children to school in a school bus. I give educational classes for free to the public in science so there is little room for marriage.

Sex within marriage always struck me as immoral. When I first married, I could sense that she felt obligated to having sex and I witnessed my bride in tears on our wedding night. It felt terrible to touch her at all. When our marriage ended I refused to have sex for 7 years until a woman chased after me. She had slept with over 100 men. Out of wedlock, sex with her felt great. She encouraged me to look at porn and wanted to watch me with many women. Too bad Viagra wasn't invented yet! She moved away in 1981 but left me with warmer memories than marriage did.

So I am not looking for love. I already have it. I have a body with a lot of potential and enjoy it and like to reward myself every few months with someone who knows upfront what I am after. When I leave that massage parlor I know that it is my kids who will still get their hands on all my money when I die and not some blood sucking, money grabbing wife. Prostitutes are much cheaper.

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A male reader, Flank steak Canada +, writes (10 June 2008):

A friend of mine (yes, really) recently told me that he frequents parlours once a week....

I asked him WHY, and reminded him that I would still consider this an AFFAIR. He said he disagreed and said that because his wife will only give it up 1-3 times a month, he is left with no alternative. I asked him why they don't go to couples counselling. He said his wife was not interested in going because it's not her problem and it's just "too bad". She told him to just masturbate when necessary. My friend says "too bad" for her. I can see his point. My wife does not like to mess around during "that time of month" and let me tell you, I became a horn-dog thatcan hardly wait till its over. I can't imagine having sex only 1-3 a month so I would say that I would have to side with the person if they were given no other alternative than to get some elsewhere...safely.

my 2 cents

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

Implications

According to WHO, "In order to achieve ... risk-reducing practices, it is essential to avoid discrimination against people engaged in prostitution, and to ensure their active participation in prevention and care efforts." Most countries, however, deal with sex work by legislating against it. This forces sex workers to hide, which has the effect of cutting them off from society and keeping them from prevention and/or care services. There is little evidence that prohibitive legislation affects the amount of commercial sex available. But it does affect the health, welfare, and self-esteem of sex workers, which are in inverse proportion to the legal sanctions against them.

Prostitution law reform is good for health -- and its beneficial effects could be considerably accelerated by giving sex workers the information, the international connections, the support, and the resources they need. Perhaps one day the word "prostitute" can become synonymous with "safer-sex educator."

The results of international studies are fairly consistent and indicate that, outside of East Africa, the prevalence of HIV in sex workers is generally low, and not significantly different from the HIV incidence in the population as a whole. While prostitution per se is not a significant risk factor for acquiring HIV infection, IV drug use is, and a significant proportion of sex workers are also IV drug users. Men who use sex workers do have a higher risk of acquiring HIV, but only if they have other STDs or engage in other high-risk behaviors (e.g., anal sex without a condom).

The bottom line: if you use a condom correctly, your risk of contracting HIV from a sex worker is probably no greater than the risk from your girlfriend or boyfriend. But if you don't use a condom, your risk increases greatly, especially if you also have an STI. As with all risk behavior, it's what you do, not who you do it with, that matters.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

Sex Workers as a Prevention Resource

Many who do HIV prevention work with sex workers find them to know a great deal about the human side of sex, including the behaviors and attitudes that go with it, making them an ideal source of knowledge about safer sex practices. Often, they have developed some expertise about the prevention of HIV and other STIs. Sex workers are aware of the implications of the spread of the disease, not only for their own lives and livelihoods, but also for their many sex partners, and in turn for the general population. As a result, many sex workers make it a practice to instruct their clients in safer sex practices before engaging in sexual contact with them.

There is now near-universal use of condoms by sex workers in industrialized countries. It is possible that this is having a far larger impact on the overall sexual culture than conversations that should be (but often aren't) happening in doctors' visits. It's difficult to prove, but probable, that sex workers have been more successful in safer sex education than all the television advertisements put together. After all, the best way for someone to learn something is to do it. Put in terms of positive reinforcement theories, the best way for a man to start to feel good about using condoms is to have someone put one on him and then proceed to give him a pleasurable experience. Yet sex workers are widely perceived to be a major reservoir of infection, the vectors for the transmission of HIV/AIDS into the general population. Some sex workers, of course, do have unsafe sex. Sometimes they are coerced into it by a threatening client, or they may simply be offered more money to dispense with the condom. Sometimes the workers themselves are affected by alcohol or drugs.

But often, even under these circumstances, many sex workers don't do anything unsafe. Why not? Because they have learned to take care of themselves; because they have self-esteem, because it has become a habit to carry condoms and use safer sex practices. Sometimes it's just that they want to keep on living so that they can continue using drugs. The key to stopping sexually transmitted diseases is control. The more control sex workers have over their lives, the more likely they are to develop self-esteem and the responsibility that comes with it. If they do not, they are more likely to be careless and risk being infected or infecting their partners with HIV. This doesn't mean that sex workers are not exposing themselves to HIV, but we need to stay aware that the issue is the risk behavior, whether through unprotected sex or IV drug use. Therefore it is important to provide public health policies that will allow sex workers to have just access to health care and prevention services.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008):

Firstly Massage Parlours are the pits where sad men go to get it off nothing else they pay and choose because in real life it would be too much bother to woo and dine!

For the married guys who are doing this they are rats for the ones who say "What harm is it doing" Well what if you catch a nasty disease whilst being pleasured and go home to your wife/partner and infect her what if she ends up seriously ill and god forbid if their are kids because if one or the other takes really ill authorities are notified and is that risk worth losing everything you have for a quick shag?Losing your wife/partner/kids/home/job?

No it is'nt take it from me i was married to a sex addict and he frequented Brothels i don't call them Massage Parlours they are Brothels plain as, in Scotland it is not illegal to buy sex in these places and to me that is dispicable they should be shut every last one of them they fuel men's addictions to the core and the girls that work in them please they are having sex with maybe 10/12 clients a day every day for weeks/years who gets pleasure from knowing that?Worse still are you prepared to pay for pleasure that could infect you with a nasty disease??

Most men go to these places cause they can and they know they will never be found out and it is no ties sex!

The men who use these places have problems themselves they tell themselves "Oh it is a guy thing loads of men do it"

In reality they are disturbed and mentally unstable men with severe addiction to sex i discovered my husband started using these places after being hooked on porn one thing leads to another believe me Porn is evil it breaks up couples, destroys marriages/relationships, it lowers our self esteem, i could go on at the damage it causes and when the men know they can live out their sick fantasies with the happy hooker who is just eager to please for the right price the addiction starts.

We have been to Relate, Couple Counselling and every one of them has told him he has problems either stemming from childhood, relationships, marriage , confrontation problems, i.e. unable to confront his real life problems the normal way he seeks other outlets to escape his anxiety's.i.e SEX

Seemingly this is a big thing with men who use these places face it they can't be happy with their life if they feel the need to frequent a slut for pleasure?

To pay for sex is disgusting and lowers your self esteem,your worth, respect, my husband was once a proud man respected, loved, etc;

No longer his daughter knows his mother knows and i know all the ins and outs he went to, to hide this shameful addiction he has lost huge respect, love, possibly his life too as no one can look at him in the same way now we just see a sad dirty old man and that is what most people think when told of this they think how sad he had to pay!

It is an illness and for all the men who posted on here saying what's the harm?

Well plenty if you are married with kids the implications health wise was unforgivable in my book you don't play around with other people's health even if you could'nt give a toss about your own which most of they men doing this don't or otherwise would not go near a manky slut!

He is lucky you have discovered this early you have a chance to rectify things and find out why? mines was doing it 6 years before i found out i had to endure the embarassment of having 2 Hiv/Aids tests as he did we had to have other tests done too which thankfully all came back clear his reaction was i always used protection!!

I told him fine use it forever as you won't need any with me cause we are over!!Your addiction will either see you in Prison or worse still kill you!!

It is a long road to go down why they turn to this then get addicted and go weekly/monthly and see no harm in it is beyond anything i can comprehend i think men Lust more than Love mines told me Love is not about SIZE OR LOOKS LUST IS!

So i would advice you to have your health checks done to seriously sit down and talk as to the reasons why he did this and if he can show you he is remorseful and you do want to stay together then it is up to the both of you only you will know in your heart if he is right for you yes we all make mistakes but if he is not willing to learn from that and show you more respect dump him plain as.

Wish you well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

For myself my wife is a certified massage therapist meaning she went to school to be trained to massage and has to go to training to stay certified . The problem with Massage parlors is and I mean the ones to jack you off at no other pretty way to say it and also if it is called a Parlor its going to most likley have the sex part because a legit massage therapist would not work for or list her buisness as a parlor . The difficult part for me is having parlors can cause problems for my wife as the guys come in thinking there maybe a happy ending / Jackoff which will never happen and is you can be arrested for in my state . Guys think about it if your wife was a massage therapist besides a very attractive one would you like any guy period getting jacked off by her ? or if not your wife how about if you had a daughter as a massage therapist . Or would you like a guy comming in just thinking hes getting more than just a massage ? You know what if your wife or girlfiend is not giving you enough and communication wont work or maybe think about it maybe your not romancing her enough and you know BIG surprise guys who would go to a massage parlor probably are going to be lacking in being romantic . If after trying the communicatin / romance and she still doesnt do it with you either you you probably have let yourself go got a belly and look like a slob so just jack yourself off by looking at porn no problem with that that how most normal guys deal with lack of sex or a high sex drive at least you wont be comming in to see my wife and acting like a pervert .

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008):

we go because its harmless fund and adds a bit of excitement to our boring married lives. Beleive me when I say that we (men) do not love you any less by going and getting a hand job or some touching with the nice Asian or Russian lady. Its something most married guys will try at some stage.

I dont go drinking with the boys, I am home every night with my family and I provide financially for there every need. Its a special treat for myself to go for a "massage" I dont go there every week or even every month but once in a while . As far as I am concerned it has nothing to do with my wife and its just a hand job and nothing emotional..I wouldnt dream of engaing in full on intercourse or having a mistress on the side as this is a different thing all together.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008):

...because men and women are a completely different species. period. Men are dogs. Most men are sex addicts. For the most part, massage parlours are harmless fun. It has nothing to do with the wife/girlfriend. A man could meet you for 3 seconds, not know your name, have sex, and forgot about it in 2 seconds. That's the cold hard facts. Another reason your husband visits these places is that you probably have a low libido and don't have sex with him as often as he would like. Give it to him more and maybe he won't need to go elsewhere for it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008):

I once worked in a massage parlor, i ended up getting a STD and probably gave it to at least 40+ people (not to mention their spouses). It's not a clean profession, but it paid the bills...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008):

OMG! I cannot believe how many men do this! I just discovered that my husband went to an Asian massage parlor and I am devastated. I don't trust him. Now I am in a mess trying to decide whether to divorce him. There's so much shame in all of this. This was no "massage"--He was unfaithful!!! Disgusting. I cannot help but picture him there and I am so repulsed. I cannot believe all the other women who have the same problem with their husbands.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008):

I used to work in a massage parlor, for a little while. Men go to those places just to be treated nice, and fantasy-like. And with No strings attached. Some don't get it enough at home. Some just want to try out different women, since they get the chose from the selection. Its in a safer, more controlled environment. And really its not a relationship to get too jealous of because the girls only want his money, not HIM.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

I had a bit of a break through, with this whole 'moral, normalicy' thing. I actually found some porn on the computer the other day. I called my boyfriend up and explanied that I had found it. He said 'ah, I'll call you back'. He then wrote me a long text message going on about how he was so sorry and he will never do it again. Rather than get angry I said, 'don't worry about it, I know that your normal. Lets save it for a rainy day. Most girls watch porn too so don't worry'. I think I have brought about a little more honesty in the sex arena, now I just need to try and form that honesty into something more. I would love him to one day be able to actually talk to me about all of these going on's and make me understand his reason. Rather than making him feel like a dickhead about the whole thing, maybe I could learn to understand it. Honestly, sometimes I wish there were places like this for women!

As much as I love him, sometimes the whole relationship stresses don't allow for proper sexual healing the way these places have obviously served males for years.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

OK... I will act as the adult sex industry expert today. I think I get that you women love your husbands and you care about them. You are looking for monogamy, sense of normalcy, honesty, etc etc.

BUT

I have friends who make $2 million on wall st. buddies who are in construction. lawyers, doctors, accountants, bartenders, gym managers, teachers, consultants, psycologists... never in my life has any single one of these guys said no to going to a massage parlor. never. and im going to freak you ladies out even more... my one buddy was absolutely in love (head over heals in love) with this girl who was a great catch for him... guess what he did every thursday after work.

Look. I live in florida so mabye its different in other parts of the country... but i would say your biggest fear is the guy who pretends to hate it (the moralist). You wont get a straight answer from this type of guy, its all bullshit. its all bullshit till your relationship implodes.

If i was a girl I would be looking for a guy that liked sex, was capable of cheating but had other priorities in his life. children, sports, (not drinking), investing, work - and family. He probably is going to go to these places still... but only once in a blue moon.

There are allot of reasons for me to go to these places in this day and age. ussually its their spouses/gf's. mabye they even love them... but the men also might have other needs that he didnt address initially. now he is stuck with his initial bullshit story that snagged the girl in the first place...

ahh i dont know how you married people do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

what I meant when I said 'who are the patrons here' is, there is clearly alot of business occuring for all of these massage parlours to be popping up all over the place, hence who are these men? What I mean is, there must be many many married men who frequent these establishments.

It's just a bit scary to think how many men do this type of thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

Where I live, these establishments are legal, so being arrested for a sex offence doesn't occur.

I must agree though, it is not acceptable behaviour and only a stupid girl would put up with it.

I suppose it is just hard, it's a hard thing to have to terminate a relationship that is otherwise good. After so many years together the easiest thing to do would be to stay in the relationship. I think I need to be strong and get out of it though.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and I don't want to be dealing with this form of stress and worry for the rest of my life. It is ridiculous and almost laughable that I have gotten myself into this situation in the first place.

Thanks everyone for all your answers. To the original poster, I hope that this discussion helped you with your situation.

Cheers guys.

:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

So, say all of these things have happened, and say he has done this type of thing.. is it really that bad? Is going to a massage parlour worth throwing a potential life relationship in the bin for?

I know for a fact that he loves me with more than anything in the world, and he would do anything for me, and if these things were to happen I am still not sure whether it would be a ligitimate reason to terminate the relationship.

I know that many many men do this, hence so many massage parlours of this type established all over the place! In some most suburbs where I live there are atleast 4. Who are the patrons here?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

Hi,

This is Sarah again.

I still don't understand this. I am thinking I should break things off with my boyfriend for what he did but I am still not sure.

I love him more than anything, he is like family. But I am just not sure I can accept this type of behaviour. If what he says is true ie- he went twice, nothing sexual occured, then things may be fine, but the thing is I am not sure I can trust him with these specifics. I asked him 'why, if nothing sexual occured here, did you go to a massage parlour for a massage, why wouldn't you have just gone to a normal massage place?' he said he wanted to make sure that it wasn't another man massaging him, cos that would just be weird.

Just to let everyone get a bigger picture of why I am so confused aswell, I don't mean to sound too confident, but people say that I am gorgeous looking, I have a great bikini body, blonde hair, lots of guys run down the street after me! I have had numerous photographers offer to do a free portfolio for me for modelling, and many people have also said that I should be a bikini model.

I suppose I could understand why my boy would run to other means for sexual satisfaction if I was unattractive and/or didn't satisfy him in bed, but the point is those two things are perfectly fine. Additionally I am almost finished my business degree, so I am not stupid, fantastic cook, fun person to be around - yet he has apparently gone to other means for sexual satisfaction and also risked our relationship for the sake of that. I can't help but think that maybe there is something wrong with him.

I just don't understand it, I am so confused and have been for months and months! In the mean time I have tried to forget about it, and I don't think he would have been there again, but I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should move on with my life? Or would I be throwing away something amazing? Someone please help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008):

Hi

I once worked at massage parlour and would say that most men find a visit to a massage parlour erotic.. ok some might want extra's but it's a very discreet way for a guy to get off... what's the harm

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008):

I completely feel your pain. My husband of 8 months has gone...he mentioned he had been to a massage parlor long before we met with a bunch of friends and received a "happy ending". He's sworn up and down that he loves me to death and has never been again, especially since he met me over 3 years ago. Imagine my horror when I just recently found out that he went TWICE within 4 weeks of our wedding! I believe he is addicted to porn and have no idea how many more times he's gone since 7 month ago. He's sneaky, he shreds his credit card and banking statements. I've decided I must divorce him because I feel he is paying for sex and I don't believe in it. My advice is always trust your gut! Also, the place he goes to "disguises" itself as legit but is supposedly mafia owned/run and many cops/fireman in our area frequent it, from what he told me, so it will never be shut-down. I am a petite, pretty woman that would do anything in bed for my man - yet it is never enough and he will continue to lie about it. I am heartbroken. I don't care about men being men. There's something to be said for honesty, integrity, trust and truly loving someone and not wanting to hurt him. My biggest fear is that he's graduated to escorts. Any men out there with advice? I hate to end such a new marriage (we lived together for 2 years prior to marriage), but it's like peeling away layers of an onion. I keep finding things, such as this, and it breaks my heart but I have to put my own sanity and beliefs before any love I have for him. I can't believe he loves me when he does this. Worst of all, he's gone with coworkers so I look the fool to everyone. I'm so ashamed and embarassed, although I know it's HIM that is a pig. Someone please help me. Also, there ARE legit places out there...but not the ones that offer special "services".

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007):

My advice is this...look for trouble and you'll find it anywhere. Trust.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007):

I need some serious advice...

I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 years (since I was 16).

I recently found out that he had been to a massage parlour. He admited he did, but he said it was just for a massage and nothing else. He said he went twice and he said there was nothing 'sexual' involved. Just a massage. It was a parlour offering full service in our area. He gave me the adress. He told me that he didn't really realise it was a massage parlour until the second time he went when they asked him if he wanted 'anything more'. He told me that he said no. I went there and asked them what services they offer and it was quite a nice place, but quite obviosly a bit dodgy seeing as there was a discrete entrance and was called 'suit one'. anyway, they said they did deep tissue massage. I just don't know what to think, what to do and what to believe anymore. We live together, and it is all such a shock. My gut tells me it was more than a massage allthough he has promised me over and over it wasn't. I know for a fact it is a sex massage parlour as I saw some forums on it.

what do you think and what do you think i should do? please email me at [email address blocked] with your thoughts should you have any, or just reply back here.

Thanks heaps to anyone who can help me.

Sarah

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007):

If it is a sexual massage parlour, he has a problem. Obviously it is illegal to pay for sexual services. He may have gone more than once. If he truly does not know why he went, that makes it a bigger problem. If you really love him and want to trust him in the future, try hiring a detective service and camp out at a friend's house for several days. That is usually when they go. If he goes again during that time period, I would say he is a sex addict. This is assuming he promised to never go again. Good luck.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (28 September 2007):

rcn agony aunthe's violating your relationship. it's the old phrase, you can look but you can't touch, or it's OK to browse the menu as long as you don't order.

Just because these girls are "professionals" (i wonder what training they put them through), doesn't mean it's not cheating. What's wrong with your oral and sex? What ticks me of quite a bit is people who go do these things when they have the same thing at home. Variety is not an answer. I've been, believe it or not, with more than one female in my time, I've noticed there is not too much difference between them. Not enough difference to convince me that even sleeping with the real cute one walking down the street would be really that much better, or that her body would be that much different.

There is something wrong with this relationship, especially if you write it off, don't confront him, and take his answer and leave it. If you do that, you're teaching him his behavior is OK, it's like giving him the GO to cheat more. If I was in your shoes, I'd be like "your sick, good bye."

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A female reader, curly99 United Kingdom +, writes (28 September 2007):

curly99 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes it was a massage parlor that does all the extras once he had oral and twice full sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

yes he loves you. i look at pr0n but that doesn't mean i don't love my girl.

and "my husband is a sex addict" -- duh is this a rhetorical question? hes a male, and males love sex/women...

just try something kinky in bed and i bet he doesn't spend as much time at the asian massage house!!

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (27 September 2007):

rcn agony auntIt depends on the type of massage parlor. I went to a town, say a sign that said massage, mentioned my shoulder hurt so maybe I should make an appointment. Others that were there laughed and said it was no ordinary massage parlor. I didn't know, I grew up in a small town where businesses sell what they actually advertise.

Check out the massage parlor before jumping to conclusions. I go to school where we have a branch that teaches massage. I've been to there clinic for 2 massages. Wonderful experience. I couldn't believe how I could live adjusting to stress and becoming as tense as I was, without noticing it happened. I felt like the massage too 10 years off.

Now if it's one of the other ones, where the massage therapist provides additional services (without getting into detail) I'd worry about why he went there. That would be completely disrespecting your relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):

Is he a husband or a boyfriend?

And sex addiction is a specific mental condition- it doesnt mean that you dont approve of someone elses sexuality.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (27 September 2007):

eddie agony auntMany massage parlors are legitimate. Was it a sexual one or actually for a real massage? If he went to a sexual one then the answer is easy. He went so a woman would give him sexual pleasure. There is no other reason.

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