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Why do married men ogle other women?

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Question - (22 August 2005) 91 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2012)
A female , anonymous writes:

Why do men when they are married 'lech/ogle' women and flirt with them? Are they insecure, are they trying to boost their own ego, are they not happy with their own marriage?

View related questions: flirt, insecure

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012):

Nearly everyday of my thirty five years of marriage, I have been plaugued with this problem as a wife married to a tried and true ogler.

His latest thing is to back up the video on our dvr and slowly play female actors bending over in all sorts of array in slow motion. I have seen Sandra Bullock, and just about every actress's camel paws that is in a movie.

Apparently it's a must in every movie to expose only parts that their husband's should see these days. I guess I'm supposed to be happy that he is aroused but I don't think he understands that I'm a woman and that it doesn't do anything for me but make me less hesitant to be able to orgasm when we have sex because of the lack of trust I feel.

I had such a different vision of what marriage would be like when I said my vows. I do not want to divorce him and upset my son's future. Because it would. My son doesn't seem like this at all and neither is my father. I thought being married was going to be rich like my parents' or grandparents' marriage. I thought we were supposed to put each other first.

If my grandfather and father did this, they at least had the sense to hide it and I never heard it talked about or heard my mother grieve about it.

No amount of talking to my husband changes it, in fact I wonder if he enjoys how I am hurting and does not care that it is like taking a big crap on the dinner table of our marriage. When we go places that he likes to take me to be romantice and to build our relationship he always includes the barb of injury of oogling other women in it. I get so I dread going anywhere with him.

Church function or art exhibit he finds some gal of interest and pay a courter's amount of attention.

How can someone who says he loves me so much wander like that??? I would be so flattered if someone showed me that much attention. When we talk about it, he says it's my imagination or that it's natural to look or that he would give that much attention to an eighty year old and that it's just because he's nice to all people. I can't wait to die and go to heaven with my lord where this sort of thing doen't exist.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012):

I'm happily married and my husband and I are working at getting even closer in our relationship with help of a therapist. We are delving into this subject that we've avoided for years as it only created arguments in the past.

So my husband, as with most men, likes to look at women. He has gotten much better at not making it too obvious or hurtful to me. He also likes the occasionaly porn site/movie to "get off" and/or relieve stress without feeling a need to please me, which occurs now only a few times a year. The delima is that it is very hard for me to feel safe and secure which is what I need in order to explore other sexual desires he may have as well as feeling he or I can be very open of all desires. I have NO issue with men looking at attractive women, I think most women do the same. My issue is that looking at women and thinking of them naked, sexually, with a desire or lust feels like a betrayal of our sexual commitment we have between the two of us. For me I feel our sexual connection is no longer special if outsiders are brought into it even mentally.

Is this a learned behavior that society tells men is acceptable by saying it's normal male behavior or is this just how men are made? And if this is just how most men are built then why are most women built to be hurt, sad or even angry from this male behavior as it is hardly seems to be a good tool for making a union or family? Also, why do men get so jealous when their partner/spouse behaves the same way shouldn't it be no big deal if they are doing it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012):

Well I have read all of these comments and agree with them all...and until I figure out what to do with my husband oglier...Im gonna hit him where it hurts...the pocket book...time to shop...and think...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012):

Ok. I have read all responses amd must say I found comfort in the male response who said all men aren't like this and that he is respectful toward women. I hope that came from an actual male and not a female pretending to be one..lol. For some of the other responses, its nice to know I am not the only one bothered by this behavior and for some, well, u are just stupid. In response to some answers, I admit that, to a point, noticing an attactive person is normal, whether you're male or female. And for the single person, its a necessary behavior to find a mate. For the people who respond with "its the normal male behavior in order to reproduce and spread the seed"...meaning its the nature of the beast, well, that's bs. All of us, including men, were given brains and are able to decipher what is right and what is wrong. So, Im really tired of hearing that one. Husband #2 used that line. I mean really,do we want to keep comparing men to animals? And believe me, they are not thinking about bringing children into this world when they ogle. It is true that a man is quicker to lust due to brain chemicals...but I have to ask. Is this because we have allowed it for so long (not that I ever allowed it,but some female responses say its okay, and they do it too) and because society has allowed it and made it so easy, that now their brain has become accustomed to it? Tho I feel some behaviors are inherited, I believe a lot are learned, which leads me to another question. Is it possible, as mothers, to teach our young males, that although looking at girls is normal and necessary, to a point, its not nice to make a practice of it and that it also should be done in a respectful manner? And along with that, should we stress that it could hurt their girlfriend or wife. In todays society, with easy access to porn, not to mention the longtime running of playboy and other mags, and simply with how some girls and women dress, I feel like this would nearly be impossible. But I am gonna try to make a difference and teach my boys to have respect.

I, too, have been hurt by this behavior. The first time it happened, I was not only hurt, but I felt totally humiliated, as a woman, and to this day will probably always feel less than the woman my husband ogled. He took me to meet aunts, uncles, and cousins...and spent the whole night looking at his cousins girlfriend. Tho I was uncomfortable while he stared at her from across the table, I didn't become totally upset until he stood behind her, sipping his tea, with such a look of desire on his face, while he stared intently at her butt. He looked as tho he wanted to bend her over, lick her privates, and do her, right there in front of me. I will never forget that look. Im pretty sure that everyone there saw and knew what he was doing. I was later told by his mother that they laughed at me regarding this incident. So it was obvious to all, and I pretty much felt devistated, humiliated, angry, and mostly just sad. And to learn a few years later, that this was perfectly acceptable behavior to his family, was totally disturbing.

So the story goes...so what do you do? Of course, the anger really set in, the argument instrued, and the never ending (and I mean that litterally) conversation began. See, although he made it a practice not to stare anymore, the look of pleasure on his face is still there. Its instantanious, even if its an image on tv for a split second. And I am sure, that after ten years together, he loves it, he derives extreme pleasure from it, and he will never stop. And yes, he has a porn history. And so does his father. It didn't matter if I am/was pretty. I look nothing like the girls that do this for him. I have compared and critisized myself to a point to where I have no self esteem left and I now feel totally ugly. Its extremely upsetting to know that I loved him to where I didn't care what was out there..I could make an evaluation of a man, whether he was attractive or not, but derived nothing from it. I was done and I didn't care. It makes no sense to me for him to tell me he enjoys looking at me, or even that he loves me. How could he? If thats what love is all about, maybe I don't want it. I have never got that look and the type he enjoys are the perfect, small waisted, very defined, round hipped and round butted woman, or young girl, or even a very developed, 8th grade chearleader.

So back to the original question? Why? Well, there are many answers here, but what I think, is that ogeling is learned and its most definitely a lustful thing, and most definitely influenced by society and porn. Women have been forced to accept it and society has made it easier than ever. For those women that say you do it, too, and it doesn't bother you, more power to you, I guess. But you sure make it hard for the rest of us. And really, do you like your guy having sexual thoughts about another woman...and I know u can't be better looking than all of them. I mean really. Don't you get tired of sharing something that should be special between the two of you?And give me a break. Everybody is visual. We all like to see a nice car, a field full of pretty flowers, or a pretty sunset. Ogeling women (or men for the women that do it) when u say u love someone, is just downright disrespectful. And moms, lets try to teach our boys how to respect women instead of letting them become porn addicted ogelers. Porn can be so destructive to the soul. All I can say to the originator, is get out, if it bothers you. Respect yourself and don't let it do to you what it has done to me and from what it sounds like, other women as well. Maybe they are hard to find, but at least one man said he didn't do it. My sister says her husband doesn't do it. Maybe there are a few more and u can find one.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011):

I had already gone through 6 months with Mr Wonderful. I could not tolerate his ogling any longer. He was so extreme that he would create a "scene" with his voice and body language. Still, I loved him. After comming to some kind of agreement about his ogling we decided to continue our dating. We had just finished a restaurant meal with my new friends A very beautiful Turkish model took off her coat to leave the restaurant. Her legs were gorgeous in a short skirt. All of a suddon, unexpectedly, I hear groaning from my Pierre. I ask him if he is OK. He says it's nothing.

I then realise that it is a never ending scenerio of voice, body, eyes, touch - his religion is younger beautiful women. It will NEVER end. I deserve more. If you only knew the crazy things he did.

Early on in the relationship he asked me if I was jealous and if I had a problem with men looking at other women. I said "no" because I have never been jealous and could never care about glances.

Girls, I was almost prepared to dye my hair his preference, "blond". Thank God I pulled myself away from the abyss. It was so sad at first but now I am so happier and Pierre is the real loser.

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A female reader, another married lady United States +, writes (11 May 2011):

I did it, I was able to gawk at a guy tonight and when i did my hubby says "did you see someone you recognized?"

I simply said "hmmmmm no".

Finally he has been on the receiving end and by the way, this guy was less than worth the gawk!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011):

I too am married. My husband of 6 months is 9 years younger than myself.

I have witnessed him checking out another lady AT CHURCH! One time I thought he was going to follow her into the bathroom.

Most recently he was ooogling over a young gal in the hot tub. He made conversation with her and smiled at her like he's NEVER smiled at me! When I called him on it he said "women are beautiful to look at".

I just wish one time I'd get all the attention!

I have even resorted to ooogling men but believe me, there aren't many worth ooogling! lol

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011):

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He gets porn and pictures of nude women emailed from friends all the time. He looks at women when we are together as well. I recently confronted him and he said he has them because he likes them. He told me I was blowing it out of proportion because they are only pictures. I feel very inferior. I am 51 and know I can't be the person he likes to look at. To top it off, our sex life has gone down hill. I let him know how much I enjoy being with him and he still doesn't respond.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011):

I get it that men are visual creatures. If a man stares at attractive women of all shapes/sizes/colors/etc. it's a little easier to swallow. One can easily still feel beautiful and attractive and wanted by their man. Let's face it, we're not the only good looking women out there to come in contact with our husband/boyfriend. When, however, one's man always chooses a specific type of woman to continually ogle, a type that his wife/girlfriend is NOT, then it's a little hard to believe that one's husband/boyfriend is sexually attracted to his wife/girlfriend - especially after the husband tells the wife at one point(when talking about guys who are so picky about only dating women who look very pretty that they'll never find a wife) that if he were a picky guy he never would have married her. He was patting himself on the back for not being picky and at the same time being incredibly insulting beyond belief to his wife. That, coupled with the fact he's ogling women of a certain type (very hour-glass looking - even slightly out of shape) who have a whole different body type than his wife would logically cause the wife to feel she just isn't his type and think maybe he should just go and find his type and be satisfied finally. I can see why this might shake the wife's self esteem but it doesn't have to mean the wife has a low self esteem. She can be completely happy with herself and at the same time realize she's obviously not what he needs or wants. Oh, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's had his wife around him for so long that he just wants to look at something different than what's readily available at home - he has been like this since DAY ONE. Why didn't he marry his type then? Who knows - hundreds of different possible answers.

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A male reader, Mariusman South Africa +, writes (30 January 2011):

People, I need abit of help over here. I look at other woman, and have tried to stop. I find this very hard to attain. Is their anybody than can advise me on a way, maybe help me see this in a way that can help me stop. My girlfriend is hurting, and this is destroying us. I am really sitting here, with such a painfull hart. My parents always told me its natural for a man to look, and now I sit with the problem. It is demeaning towards woman, I agree, I hate this habit or addiction, whatever you want to call it. Does anyone know of a website that gives hypnosis for this behaviour. HELP!!!

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A male reader, posttoasty United States +, writes (11 September 2010):

posttoasty agony auntI think most of the "reasons" and attitudes towards this have been covered. Girls around here used to tell their guys: "Look but don't touch". Yes, guys are very driven sexually by visual input; this is basic biology. I think the "purpose" if there is any, is to motivate the man to make himself the best person he can be in every area so as to be able to marry a woman whom he finds visually attractive, whom he also loves to be with. One of those areas he needs to work on is self-control. Ogling women when your with your S.O. is rude and crude. A temporary distraction may occur, but don't get caught up in it.

I think the idea the one lady had about asking him about an attractive woman before he began looking at her is a way to de-fuse the situation. Similarly, if they each talk occasionally about attractive people they see, it should help them learn about each other and feel more self-confident that its just for the moment enjoyment. Yes guys get fixated in this area; there are those who are addicted. The addiction is caused in part, but large part, by the tabooing and shaming of this very activity. The secrecy of it causes a greater addiction to the secret guilty pleasure.

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A male reader, ashaw United States +, writes (10 September 2010):

I am happily married, and have never even come close to cheating. However, my eyes are drawn to beautiful women, (and nice cars, amazing animals...) Women are very beautiful. There are very few exceptions to this. I am sure your husband thinks you are beautiful, and hope that he makes you know that. We are designed to be drawn to the beauty of women. I do feel that we, as husbands, should try to suppress a little of this out of respect for how it might make our wives feel, but the fact is that we are still attracted to look at beautiful women. There are very few exceptions, men not producing much testosterone for one reason or another, but these are exceptions. You could have your husband neutered to alter this designed in behavior, but then he also wouldn't have the same desire for you either. I think that most men that say they have no desire at all to look, are being less than honest. (perhaps with themselves as well) I would also like to add that the more fulfilling the marital relationship is, the less the temptation is there. I know this from experience as multiple decades of marriage inevitably have different seasons, with some being more fulfilling than others. Think of it this way...the male sex drive is a little like hunger. You can fast for a period of time, but it is difficult, especially if someone is walking by carrying enticing desserts. If you have been well-fed with a nice home cooked meal, those desserts are not nearly so tempting. You can watch the desserts go by, and even admire them, but no-thanks, you're too full. I hope my stream of thought ramblings have offered a little more insight to you. I would also encourage you to talk to your husband about how you feel, but also try to find some confidence in yourself. The fact that you are so concerned about him looking, suggests that you love him. A loving woman can be more fulfilling than even a home cooked meal. (By the way, the home cooked meal is an analogy, and does not mean that I think you should be in the kitchen cooking!)

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A female reader, sriya India +, writes (16 August 2010):

I dont support the view that some of you say men do it be because he may not be happy with his marriage. In my case Iam a very beautiful women highly educated and come from a very decent family with values for family and love. Ours is arranged marriage and I am pretty much happy with this guy who is good looking and manly. I was shocked to see him ogle the women sitting across the seat while travelling by train that too on our honey moon trip with me right beside him. This was 23 year back.

My head started aching with his behaviour which is there every time we went out. He ogles his office mates when they are invited to our parties. He never look at me when at home. He never appreciates my beauty (though everyone says Iam stunning and attractive)

My questtion to these kind of men why dont you be satisfied with your wives of this kind atleast? Since past year or so I got irritated and frustrated with his behaviour and feel disrespected and dont know what to do. I cant go live my life alone at this age (Iam 45) because I dont have a job in my hand. I left my career to bring up my two sons and became home stuck now.

When I asked him seriously why men do it he says its their nature..says this bullshit. I think GOD will take care of these oglers and punish them at one point in time in their span of life. But there is no answer to my sufferings. So instead of breaking our heads thinking about these silly behaviour of these partners lets ignore them altogether and we should stop showing them love and affection anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

I wish people would STOP with the "It's okay to look" comment. Women are not upset by their partner looking or glancing at other women. Women are not writing into this blog because the man is merely 'looking' at other women.

Women are wounded and upset over prolonged staring, ogling, and/or harmful flirting with another woman. It's not that these women are insecure, either!!! These types of men are subtly abusing their wife/girlfriend by sending her messages that she is inadequate. This ogling behavior used to be frowned upon and thought of as perverted some years ago. But, now that so many men & boys have easy and constant accessibility to so much porn (TV, internet, etc.) more men act like perverted lechers, and we're all supposed to accept it as normal male behavior. BS!!! It's perverted brainwashed behavior of men who view porn. Oh, and our culture (television, movies, internet) portrays women as prudes if they don't think their partner's lecherous behavior is just dandy and cute. SICK SICK SICK!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010):

I was married for 8 years to a man that would look at any female with a pulse. On the day of my mothers funeral we were getting into the car to follow the hearse and he was staring at one of our neighbours. I could not even get his full attention then. In the end I began to think if he is so interested in them he should go and be with one of them. It really affected our relationship, he was charming and attentive to any female except me because he thought he already had me. We are divorced and im glad I just could not be bothered again. Im 44 why would I want some middle aged letch looking at young women. No thanks I will risk it on my own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010):

my husband and i have been married for almost a year. he is everything i could possibly ask for in a man, to my face that is. pretty much the whole time we've been together he has seeked the attention from other women whether its girls from his home town or random ones he came across on the internet. ive caught him numerous times talking & emailing these women saying hes not married & is looking t-o get to know & have a good time. it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. he tells me he doesnt know why he does these things & that he wants to stay in this marria~ge & raise our daughter together but i really cant take anymore of the lying & the deceit. theres nothing i can say that he might be lacking i just think its his ego tha[t needs to be stroked constantly! i love him so much & have tried so many times to make this work but im afraid im reaching my breaking point. its an illness he has & he wont change unless he gets up but thats if hes even willing to stop which by the looks of it he doesnt seem to want to. im afraid hes not gona realize what he has until he loses it..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010):

I think a lot of these oglers are porn addicts. They are experiencing stimulus generalization, from getting a buzz when looking at naked women online, they are "catching a buzz" when looking at attractive women in public (and probably imagining them naked). The key is that their behaviors (porn and ogling) are compulsive. It is as if they can't stop themselves. They have the urge--can they control it? I just broke it off with someone I thought I might marry after he manipulated me out of a situation so that he could get physically near a woman (and 3 girls (!) she was with) to have a look at her. We were at a kind of remote campsite so he had slim pickings. It was really creepy. I KNOW this guy has a major porn habit and has for a long time. I tried to accept his looking, within bounds, after I had read him the riot act 3 times. I do not recommend staying with someone who does this if you are dating/courting. What is it gonna' be like if you get married? Do you think he is going to behave better?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

I have been dating a man for over 5 yrs. I am very in love with him but he is a liar.

He tells me that he loves me then the next minute he ogles other women. He is 61, I am 53, He ogles women his daughters age, just 20? how sick is that?

He comes across as an intelligent man but now I see he is just a sad perv. Well, he no longer has my love :0)

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A female reader, Cayleen South Africa +, writes (25 July 2010):

Hi everyone

I am divorced 6 years now. I have dated over the six years of my being single. I have to admit not once have I dated or been in a relationship with a man who can't keep his eyes off other females.

In 2006 I dated a man who would run after other women in shops to get a better look. Who would sit and stare at women when we were out having a meal. It sickened me. In 2009 I thought I finally met someone who would respect me and appreciate my unique self. Again. Same story. Ogle, ogle, ogle away. I now just smile when I walk in a mall and see guys next to their wives trying to get a second glance at a girl showing a bit of cleavage or wearing a short skirt. I am so so happy I'm not in that boat anymore. You men can go fly a kite. You're not worth the fuss.

I am now finally alone and truly happy. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he never wanted to take me out and be seen with me in public. The few times we were out together he was miserable the whole time and kept staring at other females.

I'm enjoying my freedom now. I'm 37 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. I refuse to be in a relationship ever again. I've come to realise all men are the same. Even though some women say there are a few good ones. Come on ladies. ALL MEN ARE THE SAME. They are always looking out for better. Once we bring their children into the world we are not good enough anymore. That is reality.

Well guys. You men will finally get what you deserve. Remember. Some day you will realise the worth of your wife or girlfriend when she is not there anymore. Ladies. You are worth more than this. Leave the man who looks at other females in your company. He will never change. They all cheat. They all look at porn. Chat to women on the internet. Check out anything on two legs. His LITTLE HEAD is ruling BIG HEAD and always will. :)

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A female reader, julieeee United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2010):

i put a post on here in 2008 when my daughter was 7months old she is now just over 2. im still with the same guy and have confronted his ogling with him, he still does ittho. i still feel uncomfortble when we go out because he either walks behind me or in front, it seems like its a disease and he cant stop. it dont get any better, it looks as tho hes trying to stop it but its so obviouse he cant. i dont trust him and dont think i ever will, reading these post helps and makes a woman realize shes not on her own. like alot say if they do it in front of you what would they do behind your back. he has toned it down (probably cos i told him i might make a scene or i might just leave him) but realy if he respected me i wouldnt even have to be on this . do we realy want to be here in 5years time????

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A female reader, AnnieX United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2010):

Men are arseholes Im sorry but they are. If they can get away with it they will. If they can deceive they will. If they can ogle and say rubbish like ''Do you want me to wear a blindfold'' then theyre not worth the effort or time... Its taken me a long time to realise this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010):

I read many articles about women saying it is upsetting to them that their husbands/boyfriends look at other women while they are with them. And often many men as well as women in response to this sort of problem say …. “It’s ok to look as long as the person does not act on it. This is the issue I want to address…. STOP SAYING THAT!!!! Of course he didn’t act on it!!!! What man in his right mind after checking out a attractive women while he is with his girlfriend/wife would then go up to that women and try to pursue her right while his gf/wife is standing there!!!! So the “he didn’t act on it so it’s ok” comment ONLY applies to when he is looking while he is alone or with his friends….ect. Yes it is natural to look…. I mean after all we are not dead… and to demand or expect your man not to ever look at other women is just insane. However is it too much to ask to try not to look while you are with your partner? Constantly I read online about how women bring it to there partners attention that it is hurtful to them when they look at other women in front of them yet there boyfriend continues to behave the same way. Not that my boyfriends needs to tell me this for me not to do it but if he ever told me that looking at other men while I am with him is hurtful to him and makes him feel bad about himself I would be able to control myself and not look at them. But like I said before I do not need to be told this … I just automatically do not look while I am with him out of respect for him. So I think “oh he can’t help it cause he is a man ” is bullshit!!!! While with your girl maintain some sort of control and keep your eyes on HER!!! And I am speaking as a person who is extremely sexual and loves to look at beautiful women as well and I am more sexually attracted to their bodies. So I completely understanding a mans need to look/ admire another attractive women… I just think this sort of behavior is not acceptable while he is with his partner. There is a time to look at them and a time not too. When necessary I know how to control myself… it is not an impossible task! HE CAN HELP IT… he just chooses not to.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010):

I am a guy.

I think we should break this down into categories...

We are wired to look honestly. I have talked about it with other guys. For the record, I have never cheated on a girlfriend or my spouse (and not! I have not had a girlfriend at the same time I am married).

"Looking" - you are in the mall with your wife, cruising along and here comes a busty (or hell, not busty for that matter) female, in a low cut shirt, who also must have just left the frozen food section of a grocery store... face it ladies, we are going to look. Call it a glance if you want. I think its ok. My wife will look too. On my part, the look is certainly a flash of lust and appreciation for a beautiful woman. My wife looks as well sometimes, for the appreciation part. How do you think your husband, boyfriend, significant other became attracted to you in the first place??? Gosh! He looked at YOU to start with. I will go with the concept he was single at the time. He looked, liked what he saw and a conversation was initiated by either him or you... If men never looked, you would not be married. We love women, we love just about everything about them. Want to be sexy to us? Be naked. You dont need Victoria's Secret or french tipped nails.. that is nice. What we want is YOU, NAKED. There is certainly more to a woman than her body, there is her lovely mind. We appreciate that too! You, as a wife, should be our best friend and a host of many other things. But cut to the quick, if we could not see ourselves waking up next to you in the morning (when there is no makeup, lingere, etc) and being naked, we would not have married you (this is a broad statement of course and there are exceptions to everything). I qualify these statements because I know someone is lurking and waiting to leap on my comments and say, "ah ha!"). Men are visual creatures.

then we get tooooooo....

"Staring/Ogling" - same situation, but you stare - lets call it more than 2-4 seconds... not appropriate with your wife, significant other, paramour etc with you. That counts for turning around and looking at the woman's ass after she passes you. I would call that pushing the limit and you are likely to get a slap in the back of your head.

Let's go back to the "looking" part. Yes, the woman described was attractive. Yeppers, it was a flash of lust, most certainly. We are wired to think, "Oh yeah, I would hit that.."

The important part is that your loving husband/boyfriend/etc does not act on it.

I never have.

Perhaps I am lucky to find a spouse that is confident in herself, how much I love her, in my fidelity and understand how guys are made. I consider myself a lucky guy to have married such a wonderful woman. I could not see my life without her! But go back to that female used as the example and I will likely look at her as she waks by me, - not stare.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

I have been together with my partner for 23 years and he also perves on other women. The stupid thing is I know all his filthy tricks, like walking behind me so he can gawk. It really pisses me off. i hate going out with him like a few on this post cause I know what will happen. When I hit him up about it...well of course he didnt do it and says to me" what am I supposed to do, wear a bloody blindfold?" No he's not at all but he acts like he never does it and he does. I say to him "was that nice?" after he perves and he says "I dont know what your talking about"..yeh bloody right!Its just the best excuse he comes up with. What else can he say I guess. He's been caught and he knows it. Some women on here say that their partners make them feel good and tell them they are beautiful,sexy and it means nothing but my partner doesnt. He never tells me he loves me and that the perving means nothing. Some of the girls he perves on are young enough to be his bloody daughters and it sickens me to death. Do i get out now? please help me!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

I was dating a guy who ogled. He went to see a therapist on his own and I was never included in any of the conversations they had and he told me little about what was said, and she was going to use hypnosis to stop him doing it. He said she told him it was because he was cheated on in the past and he subconsciously wants to hurt me before I hurt him. He is supposed to listen to the cd 20 minutes a day and it is supposed to make him stop. He said if he forgets and ogles then he will just listen to the cd again. He was mad at me because I am skeptical about all this.....I am sad that the ogling is subconsciously aimed at hurting me and that if he still does it he now can just say sorry I'll listen to the cd and that is supposed to make it ok....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009):

It's human nature to check out nice looking people. I ogle and flirt with men when I'm with my boyfriend. He doesn't like it, but he's always talking about girls he finds attractive, and it doesn't bother me. I know he's very attracted to me, and his noticing other girls doesn't affect our relationship. Sometimes I agree that a particular woman is pretty, and sometimes I don't. It's a non-issue with us as far as I'm concerned, but he's giving me the silent treatment tonight because I smiled at a guy, and the guy winked at me. I love attention, and I love being a woman. I'm not going to stop flirting with other guys just because I have a jealous boyfriend. I'm 38, so I have to flaunt it while I've still got it. Ooh, I love flirting with older married men too!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009):

If you want your man to stop looking at other women you need to figure out what it is that he enjoys looking at so much. When you know that you need to have deep conversations about this and how disgusting it really is. Then STOP showing the same exact thing that it is he looks at on other women!! If you see a woman walk by you and your husband or boyfriend and is wearing a low cut shirt and he looks at her you get upset. Why? Because this woman was showing off her chest right? Well then why are you doing it? If you're wearing something like that and another girl walks by YOU with her boyfriend or husband SHE is going to feel the exact same way! If women would stop dressing like whores the men wouldnt look as much and we'd have a much better life.Stop showing everything and anything. You have nothing to prove and if you enjoy that kind of attention then you are a very pathetic human being. End of story.

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A male reader, acigarman1 United States +, writes (10 July 2009):

You've got to be kidding me?! If a guy ogles women and makes adolecsent comments in front of his wife or girlfriend then you need to tell him to stop. If he keeps doing it then he is an idiot!

The other thing is cheating and ogling have NOTHING to do with each other. Cheating is a mindset, basically a cheater, male or female has no respect for the other person or the institution of marriage.

So I tell you, we might be having a drink and an especically attractive woman walks in and we might both comment on her or maybe not. On the other hand my wife has checked out guys and I never even knew. She tells me later on, that guy so and so was very cute... Then we typically have wild passionate sex!!

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A female reader, alisha123 United Kingdom +, writes (17 April 2009):

I am single and I am always approached by MARRIED MEN more than single men. There are different reasons why married men mess around. A man who ogles well he would of ogled when you got to know him, went out with him, has a women you should of observed him descreetly when he is not aware. They are only two obvious!

There are only far too many men out there messing around that it has become normal. If you don't mess around when your married it can be viewed as your not normal and whiped. This is not the same as ogling.

Men generaly get board and when they have a wife and children they get more bored and tired of the same. Some wives stop sleeping with their husbands and eventualy these men sucumb to the cheating phases.

Men who ogle usualy pick women who are under confident, vunerable and needy to get married to. They know they won't leave them and they can carry on ogling.

Too some extent women have to take responsibility for this, no not saying its your fault what I am saying a women who complains and is aware and still stays with this type of man is encouraging his behavoiur and allowing it so he has his cake and eats it situation. If she had the sense to leave well even if he ogled he couldn't have his escape period by making do having sex with his wife while dreaming of the women he was ogling.

Stop whining women get a back bone, take some pride in yourself and get out, be rid, move on but stop whining. Men who ogle can't stop they are addicted to it and they love it, it makes them happy. You shouldn't of married this type of man. No man is that clever to hide it before marriage.

Men will never change as long as women stick by those men who cheat married or not. There are a few good one's left and a lot who will behave for fear of losing their wife and children even if they would also like to cheat. Those that cheat and ogle have no respect for their wifes and need them for sex only. Your stupid for even looking for reasons why men ogle or cheat, they do it full stop, move on or stop whining about it. Your not a victim! Look at those women who can't leave men who threaten to beat or even kill them, thats trouble they have no choice but to stay out of fear.

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A female reader, yvette32 United States +, writes (28 March 2009):

Hi ladies I was married for 17 years and I thought I really knew my husband but was I wrong. He used to look at other women alot when would go out. I questioned him about this and I told him that it made me feel very uncomfortable and I saw it as very disrespectful to me as a woman but he would always say that it meant nothing, he was just looking.

Well I just found out this year that it was actually more than just looking. He admitted to visiting strip clubs, picking up prostitutes and he has had several affairs with women at work. I ended up getting an STD from him this is when I decided to end the marriage. you never know who you are married to. He admitted to having an addiction to sex and prostitutes this is why he was always checking out the other women.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009):

We all suffer from men ogling. I think the thing that bothers me most, is if these guys love looking at other women, are they going to strip joints too, so they can get the full picture? Are they going on line and experiencing a little more than just ogling? Is prostitution some of their options? You wonder who you are really with. Who is he, really? I think ogling is one thing, but we all wonder what this guy is doing, when he can't be seen? This conjures up a lot of problems and I hope you guys know what you are doing to your partner when you elect to do the Ogling thing. I have one thing to say to men doing the ogling. If you choose to do this, you won't get much from your partnership. Take a look at how most women feel. You know the old saying.......what goes around comes around or garbage in garbage out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009):

I don't think there is just one anwser to this question as to why men ogle other women when they show love to you in other ways. I am married to some one that has been on the road in other states(New Orleans especially).He was into porn for years and years. He has broken up 2 marriages and I am his 3rd wife. He has carried this awful ogling habit along with porn into my marriage with him. He is great looking and is now older.I feel very deminished and my heart is saddened by all this. I wish I had answers. I feel like leaving him but then you just carry another set of problems with the next marriage.I don't even think he has the ability to stop. I read all these other stories and it makes me feel better to know that it isn't just me that has this horrible problem. Maybe thats why men die earlier than women because they take things to new levels and they become guilty of their unhealthy actions. All this causes such discord in the marriage. All I can say is that when we see what they do in front of us, what are they doing when we don't see them. It creates such mistrust and dishonor. Just look at the porn on the internet and the girls that can be ready and available 5 minutes from where you live. Are they searching for more exciting sex? I think you could turn yourself inside out and it wouldn't be enough for them. The only answer is to think about the beautiful person you really are and to get busy with yourself. Be your own person and not let this guy distroy you're very being. READ THE BIBLE AND GOD WILL SPEAK TO US! It is really hard to deal with when you are older and your outside beauty fades. It is even harder to accept. I wish all of you the best and I wish I could hug you and tell you everything is going to be alright but only Jesus can really do that.

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A female reader, anonym Canada +, writes (30 November 2008):

I am a student writing my doc thesis presently. My hus during my doc time has always been discouraging me. He thinks by discouraging I get energy in completeing stuffs.. which I have made it clear to him infinite times that it bring only stressful moments and wastes my energy. Even, during one of my very important exam time, I recieved a letter personally from a women saying that my husband goes to her and asks her to kiss him and hug him etc.. this letter she gave me as a confirmation following late night phone calls to me form her boy friend as complains against my hus. I tolerated those situations , seriously, believing truly my hus, that he is not such kind and thinking that the women is probably a sick one as she always changes her boyfriends time to time and also having a 7 yr old daughter, probably she can't stand a happy little family. Well, the problem is last week, he was out for a conference with a group of univ people. I went to drop him at the univ to get his univ rented caravans. A girl was the driver and out of 7 in the car, two were men including him. There was this other girl, single, no family, who was telling him she is going to submit her thesis before mid-December. She started at around the same time as me. She is blond, attractive, moves on with several boy-friends. Two of her boy-friends were even actually cheating on their wives... one was even pregnant. As soon as she said she is submitting, my hus in front of me said, "wow, very confident, that is what I like". She says she has a place in her car and he goes on with her... right away... Well... I am not jealous of the girl.... He never encourage me or appreciate me ever for anything I did in my life... I am in my thesis writing period now.. I have a daughter of 5 yrs old. Hei, I have sacrificed a lot.. my daughter has lost very special moment which she merited with her mom who always spent most of her time including week-ends and mid-nights at the univ doing her expts or writing reports. I was never appreciated. Instead.. he use to say me, "you are so slow in doing things... you always waste your time going to cafetaria with your firends... you don't ... you don't.... you waste..." guys.... don't encourage... but don't discourage the women with you... and NEVER NEVER appreciate another women in front of your women... okay? Today my hus just threw a cup of tra on my kitchen breaking the cup into millions of pieces because my head couldn't truly allow me to have sex with him... he slept bed-hungry.. that made him mad.... Always the blame is on me... I am not cooperating... he watches porns too... ogles arounbd and comments to me directly... her boobs are huge.. herr bums are so round.... what the hell are we... are we loved? respected? for what we are.... gosh... guys.. try to clear your heads... clean your minds... see really what your wife is doing in life.. appreciate and respect her sacrifices.... AGAIN... NEVER DISCOURAGE.... I do not know what to do.... This guy left the house today... said he will not return.. don't know waht it means... I am completely confused and down.............. sometime feel like many people around me are working together to make me a psychiatric patient! God only knows how much I am going through now... It is not all about SEX. He thinks only that! Hell with Sex if you are not mentally happy.... Make your wives happy from heart....flowers or jewels are not gonna help... it is the true feelings that makes things perfect....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008):

Wow, glad to find this post. My man satres at other women when we are out together. When I have confronted him he has said he didn't realise he was doing it and sorry if he was. He watched porn big time (not sure if he has stopped - I had a huge blow out with him when I found it on our computer about a two years and a baby later into our relationship) and hasn't been to a strip club since meeting me aparrently.

He is religious about watching survivor and any other bikini type shows and he follows the latest sexy young pop stars pretty religiously too. (we're both 35 - I don't even know half the girls he mentions - not sure anyone else our age does either!)

He says he wants me and he loves me and he would NEVER do anything. He says he wants me more than all the women he has sex with in his head. His past girlfriends never had a problem with it (porn and watching bikini type shows etc...)

I just don't know what to do. I can't fathom how he loves me and wants me above all others but continues to "headf#@$k" whoever. Continues to check out other women, really brazenly, in my presence (god it's been practically every time we're out - staring at their bums mostly, flirting with them "you look so pretty in your dress" "it just wouldn't be the same if you went home", just staring endlessly at his mates sisters bum while I was pregnant!) even when I have raised it with him. I don't feel good with him anymore. I get so confused wondering 1) am I just insecure, get over it all men do it and the secure women wouldn't bat an eyelid at this behaviour 2) every man does it - don't think you can find one who does not - so why leave such a great guy (in practically all other respects).

It hurts so bad. I could be so free with him. Give him everything - and I mean everything - if I thought I was the only one. But I am not - he's having se# with other women in his head all the time. I feel so betrayed and like a dumb as# - like I said - the secure women wouldn't bat an eyelid and would enjoy their men watching porn etc... It's very trendy for the girlfriends / wives to like it.

The other part that plays on my mind is that he truely believes he loves me. I am ready to call it quits and he wouldn't even know where it is coming from because his headfu#$%ing and staring is nothing to him and he'll never leave me so what is my problem?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

sounds like theres alot out there. my partners seems to be the same but with a twist. like alot of women out there im getting so i dont want to got out in public with him. he not only leches at women he has groped them to. my recent experience of this was last weekend. we went out for drink or two.(two to many for him) and while stood with me he was starring at a girl. but it was that look in his eyes. like there was no one else around. she seemed embarrased, probably because i was stood next to him. she went to get a drink and he followed. as they aproached the bar he groped her bottom bits, then came back and continued to stare at her. last newyear was the same, he put his hand up a girls skirt in front of me. this has totally knocked me. thats why i searched for a site that might have a answer, its not the first time he has done this and im scared it wont be the last. he says he loves me but never says sorry for doing it. we have a 7month old daughter. our sex life is great and has always been. is is time we parted?

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A female reader, kinkydiva1 United States +, writes (18 August 2008):

I am in a relationship with a man who is a lot older than me. I am 26 and he is 53. I am above average in looks not to be conceited and do everything he likes in bed. I'm very open minded. I mean the toys, the costumes, the whole thing. You would think the guy would be satisfied. He says he is. But guess what he does. He TALKS about other women in front of me. Like "wow that girl has huge tits." Even on tv he just HAS to say something! I would say 85/100 girls. You would think that he would be grateful, having an intelligent young woman half his age. And then after a year, I told him I know it is normal to look, but it is really OFFENSIVE to keep telling me. I am not his buddy. And he finds a way to always make it look like my fault. How is this my fault?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008):

I would like to say that I have read many of your responses as far as oogling and I also feel the pain. I was in church and there was this young woman dressed in a bright red, low cut lace dress(skin tight) walked down the isle and sat across from me and my husband. She was with her husband and a small child. My husband for 30 minutes gawked at her for the intire sermon. I was devestated because not only did he make a fool out of himself and me, he let the congragation know that his interest was this girl in the red dress. When I confronted him, and told him how hurt I was, he said he was looking at the cute kid. Now, that really insults my intelligence and it also tells me he's a liar as well. He has done this on many occasions now and I am not too sure about my feeling for him anymore.I feel like my love for him has changed forever. This lets me know he is still on the hunt. Just think.....if he is doing this in front of you, whats the idiot doing behind your back???????? BE WARE!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008):

i think most guys are not ready to be married. I refuse to be married to any man that keep flirting or looking at any women other than me. I am currently having that problem at home and i already said if he is not going to change means he isnt ready to be married and i am not the right person for him.

i told him to go out there and sleep around, and further more i said that once he is ready to be married he will know and then he will see that once you find the right person, no other women is attractive. Its Not ok or guys or even girls to look at others while being married. if you do, ask yourself. Are you really ok with your man finding other women attractive? are you sure that does not make you feel like something is wrong with u or why are you not hot enough for your partner.. because i asked those questions to myself many times.. i got to the point to think that if i had enough plastic surgery and changed my body he would find me more attractive and not look at the other girls. so atm i told him sleep around and figure things out if he come back to me we are good if not i am getting outta here..

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A male reader, oldfool Australia +, writes (9 July 2008):

oldfool agony aunt"I find him on the sidewalk, going the opposite direction of where he is headed, watching a girl who had passed him by and he has this big grin on his face. I don't think he ever expected for me to come around the corner and see him."

That is so funny!

I know it puts girls off when guys ogle. We're probably all guilty of it to some extent.

The fact is, a cool guy who knows how to hook up with women doesn't ogle. He knows that ogling puts women off. He knows how to approach them, he knows how to talk to them, he knows how to appear attractive to them, he knows how to make them interested, he knows how to manoeuvre them into bed... but what he doesn't do is ogle them! (At least not until he gets them between the sheets).

So I think that a guy who ogles women may be annoying, perhaps even a little childish, but his ogling isn't a threat to your relationship. The one to be afraid of is the sophisticated guy who doesn't ogle, but just goes in and gets what he wants.

Just my two cents.

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A female reader, Morningstar22 New Zealand +, writes (9 July 2008):

I have been married to a man who has been ogling and flirting, even in my company. He denies it! Says I cannot see out of the corner of my eye what he is doing, and he did not flirt, he is just friendly. I realize now, after 42 years of marriage, that he is never going to change. He does not think he is doing any harm to anybody! My advice to anyone who has an ogling partner, drop him, and don't make the mistake that I did, to think that he will ever change. It is not you, there is nothing wrong with you.

There are decent men on this planet. Don't be a fool.

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A female reader, Integrity United States +, writes (25 June 2008):

I have read every post here and have found the responses very interesting. However, I would like to post my own concern now. Please understand, guys and girls, I know that we all look at other people and especially attractive ones. I know that some of you may not understand this, but I am a Christian woman who recently got married and hadn't been with any man in ten years since I've been divorced. The man I married became a Christian after meeting me. I knew that he looked at other women before we got married and I thought that he liked to flirt. However, I guess I thought that he wouldn't do it anymore after we were married because it seemed like he tried to

"tone it down". However, the day of our wedding, he looked at an attractive woman in a way that I label ogling. Some of the things that I had been comfortable about with regard to his "looking" are the following: 1. I find him on the sidewalk, going the opposite direction of where he is headed, watching a girl who had passed him by and he has this big grin on his face. I don't think he ever expected for me to come around the corner and see him. 2. We're in the airport at a car rental agency, and the girl who is waiting on us steps aside. A new girl comes up to the counter next to us, doesn't offer to assist us because we are already being helped, he doesn't say anything, but he looks once and then moves up it seems to get a closer and better view.

He tells me that he doesn't look "lustfully" at women because he wants to have sex with them. He tells me that I need to trust him, that it doesn't mean anything to him. He gets mad when I bring up this subject. He tells me that he has told me that "I'm the one, that he decided it was me".

Someone out there, gals and guys (I would really appreciate guy's feedback!), please tell me if I should believe him. This really has me concerned because he told me that he was with prostitues during his first marriage. He told me he was with them because he believed that is marriage was over. He told me that he wouldn't want to be with prostitutes again because it's not like love, not like the real thing.

But I guess the question that keeps nagging at me is, If it really is nothing, then why does he do it??? He says he thinks that I think that he can get anyone he wants. He says that no one has ever positively responded.

But as we heard at my church, it's not a question of IF it's going to happen (a married man being pursued by a female and vice versa) but only a matter of WHEN. I am concerned that should he get a positive response that he won't be able to say no.

And, why does he do this if he says he loves me?

Thank you.

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A female reader, Sizzle Canada +, writes (2 June 2008):

Married men ogle other women because they decide to. Ladies, please treat yourselves like your own best friend. Do not put up with an ogler. They will not change. They need this attention to fill up their inflated egos. They will erode your self esteem until you have nothing left. It is themselves. It is "the self of a person". Do not accept their ongoing excuses. Treat yourselves better. You deserve respect and consideration. If you stay with an ogler you will dwindle into the deepest insignificance. Please leave this man who does this to you now, not four years from now when you discover he has actually pulled the wool over your eyes once again and had an affair. I'm begging you.

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A female reader, Sizzle Canada +, writes (2 June 2008):

Married men ogle other women because they decide to. Ladies, please treat yourselves like your own best friend. Do not put up with an ogler. They will not change. They need this attention to fill up their inflated egos. They will erode your self esteem until you have nothing left. It is themselves. It is "the self of a person". Do not accept their ongoing excuses. Treat yourselves better. You deserve respect and consideration. If you stay with an ogler you will dwindle into the deepest insignificance. Please leave this man who does this to you now, not four years from now when you discover he has actually pulled the wool over your eyes once again and had an affair.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008):

I wish he would just love me like he promised he would. It is such a sham. I give all I promised. He does not!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Biologic evolutionary instinct anyone? Men are always thinking of ways to spread their seed. A quality such as scouting out potential mates with such scrutiny would have been advantageous in a time where women were few.

After the fall of the Roman Empire and into the Middle Ages, Kings and Dukes would naturally have a harem of hundreds of different women. Genghis Khan is the greatest example. Of course, we see this as crude. This is simply because in modern society marriage is a female dominated dynamic, and any deviation from it is considered socially unacceptable, and it is.

This is simply biology acting out against the inevitable social dynamic that is marriage in modern society.

Why not let each other look? It's not like they're getting some, anyway. It is insecure to be so defensive and jealous when it comes to your partner gawking at members of the opposite sex. Simply put, if you weren't insecure you wouldn't act out aggressively or use physical force to retain them. You wouldn't have to because there should be fear of your partner leaving you. Then again, for a relationship to work you can't just . That's where you have to make your own relationship so physically and emotionally stimulating that there would be no reason for your partner to leave or fool around. Can you honestly blame someone for growing distant and desiring new things and different people if you're incapable of providing engaging and exciting experiences?

In the civilized world people have had to conform to the defined social trends, and surpass their natural tendencies. This is what allows the life we experience today to be even remotely possible.

In marriage it is suggested you grow to an intellectual relationship, as in nature the defensive qualities of a women such as jealousy and possessiveness are only advantageous during one's child bearing years. Right? So when you no longer can have children, why do you want to stay married? Because you love your partner. Love isn't just a four letter word that binds two people forever. Immense intellectual and emotional energy must be invested in this . An intellectual relationship, from a man's perspective, is the only reason to stay with a woman after her child bearing years. Male fertility lasts much longer and so its dysfunction is negligible at best in regard to my argument, barring ED which is not inevitable (a man can stay fertile his whole life) but a medical condition that would be irrelevant to my point.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008):

i dont feel insecure until i catch him looking. today we were having a nice day out until i caught him and he made it really obvious,looked at this girl about three times, trying to get quick glances in. i made snide comments after we walked past a restaurant and he said'mmm something smells nice and i said" YEAH SMELLS LIKE NICE ARSE RUMP STEAK'cos the whole perving thing put me in a foul mood! i will admit it made me feel insecure and we ended up leaving instead of going out to eat.he blew up at me in the car saying "ive got major issues and im so insecure" and maybe he's right that im insecure but i never feel inscure until this happens. i cant help it if it makes me feel like shit.tho i am quite pretty myself,i dont like thinking he finds other people better looking! i know its absurd but then....he did make it obvious to me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008):

I've been married 29 years to my husband. He is 9 years older than me, handsome and very self assured. Women find him attractive and he loves to flirt with them and even some of my friends have openly pursued him (friends no more - ha ha) and he has been flattered but been put off once they start their pursuit. Alas, he ogles. I am average height, long blond hair and am called "cute" and still get embarrassed about being complimented and feel very uncomfortable when men ogle me.

As much as I love and adore my husband it has started to affect our marriage more and more as the years went by. WE have a great sex life (so there goes that assumption) hug and kiss a lot and he often pays me compliments which now I find rather hollow, due to his ogling. If only he knew that. So much so that I think up any excuse not to go out together in public and often even short-change myself so as to avoid the hurt and feeling of "no matter how much he loves me, I'll never be good enough" when in public together. No more concerts, less dinners out, movies mostly at home, he runs errands by himself and all because I want to avoid his roving eye as we drive about, walk on the side walk got into shops. When I ask him about it he either denies it and gets annoyed or just clams up. Around me he does not leer and drool but he certainly does try and catch the eye of the attractive woman he is looking at and gets a sort of dreamy, pleased with himself look if she does. It's devastating. Even though it hurts me enormously, he still can't seem to help himself. GUYS, IF YOU KNEW HOW MUCH IT HURT you would not do it. I shed a few tears when I read the feelings and experiences of other women on this site, and my desperation and sadness today made me seek out this page by googling this question.

I make sure we sit in a restaurant where he has the least view of the room or wherever we are; dread going to parties and sometimes at night cry myself to sleep if we've been together that day and it's happened and I feel particularly sensitive that day. The weirdest thing is he is utterly attentive and devoted to me when we are alone. But when we are out, if he sees an attractive women heading our way, he will even let go of my hand. Quite incredible. I agree with so many of the answers on this blog - women have been used as sex symbols to sell anything and everything on the planet and men are wired to ogle now and have to work at it to stop the addiction and women have to win back their self esteem and individual uniqueness as each of us are sentient beautiful human beings. Big business and fashion have taken that away from us. It is heartbreaking to me that we are all sisters and experience such hurt. Next time this happens (it just happened today after a wonderful lunch together downtown and after kissing me he caught the eye of a tall pretty young woman over my shoulder ) I'll think of us all and feel more solidarity with you out there who find this so painful too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and be well and I wish you all wonderful things.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

I was in a relationship for 7 years but the relationship was not working well anymore (not for ogling). I met this new guy who apparently fell in love completely with me. I took all my courage and left my long term relationship for the new one. I was really in love and maybe a crazy one but I wanted to follow my heart. I thought I found the man of my life finally, my real soul mate. I still think he was.

But after a few months we were together, I realized that the new one’s habit was ogling every attractive woman. I accepted this for a few months, and told him about my feelings but, when he started to make some comments on those women, I felt really uncomfortable and I could not trust him anymore. I always considered respect as a very important part of a serious relationship. Ogling and commenting at other women in front of me was luck of respect toward me. I don’t mind if he just looks and if he ogles when he is with his friends. Can you imagine if he behaves like this in front of his kids? So I decided to leave him. We split and I hurt myself so much! After nine months, I am not over yet, I am single (I want to be single for a while) but I still believe respect is important. No regrets for my decision, just very hurt….

Testosterone or not guys must realize that, sometimes, they can damage a relationship with this kind of behavior.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

I was in a relationship for 7 years but the relationship was not working well anymore (not for ogling). I met this new guy who apparently fell in love completely with me. I took all my courage and left my long term relationship for the new one. I was really in love and maybe a crazy one but I wanted to follow my heart. I thought I found the man of my life finally, my real soul mate. I still think he was.

But after a few months we were together, I realized that the new one’s habit was ogling every attractive woman. I accepted this for a few months, and told him about my feelings but, when he started to make some comments on those women, I felt really uncomfortable and I could not trust him anymore. I always considered respect as a very important part of a serious relationship. Ogling and commenting at other women in front of me was luck of respect toward me. I don’t mind if he just looks and if he ogles when he is with his friends. Can you imagine if he behaves like this in front of his kids? So I decided to leave him. We split and I hurt myself so much! After nine months, I am not over yet, I am single (I want to be single for a while) but I still believe respect is important. No regrets for my decision, just very hurt….

Testosterone or not guys must realize that, sometimes, they can damage a relationship with this kind of behavior.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008):

Married men that go out with other women are sick! The married guy always has a line----------------it is usually that they do not get sex at home. If the guy would stay home and communicate with their wife. It is always the wife,s fault-------------------if it is so bad at home why do they married? I will tell you why, very simple the men want the best of both worlds. The wife alot of times believe what their husband tells hime. WISE UP WOMEN. IF THE MAN CHEATS MAKE THE MAN PAY

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008):

I agree with the woman. I don't mind if my husband looks at attractive people, women or men. I think it is a natural thing. I do it too with no disrespect to my husband. The human face and body can be a thing of beauty and to restrict myself or others to glance or observe is selfish and childish. We all do it with movie stars and celebrities. I think this world would be a nicer place if people were more tolerant of others and not be so thin skinned. I fell good about myself and my husband loves me and takes care of my needs so whats the problem ? And my sex life is my own business and doesn't need to be shared in an open forum like this one. Don't kiss and tell all of our secret ladies !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008):

Sorry, to the female who said it's ok for men to do it and we should give them oral - get real sister. And sorry, when you confirm your Doctorate on your expert opinion, I might be more inclined to listen, but as for now, men are not some alien species; if they are offending their women by their actions, then it is wrong and I'm sure the last thing the woman wants to do when he has offended her by eyeing up other women in her presence is give him a bj. Now, Doctor Phil, who does have a Doctorate, suggests that men's behaviour can be trained. Therefore, if he is a jerk and eyes up a women in front of you, walk away from the behaviour (ie just go home and leave him to it). Do this every time and as in the words of Doctor Phil, he will realise the poker stakes just got higher._

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008):

ACCTUALY I AM INQUIRING ABOUT MY SON,WHO IS TRYING TO GET HIS MARRIAGE BACK BECAUSE OF HIS CONSTANT CHEATING.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008):

My boyfriend looks at other women all the time and I don't have a problem at all with it. I look at other men. Its a natural thing. We are civilized but are still animals driven by instincts instilled in us by our ancestors over the milliniums. It is natures way of survival,thru procreation. Most men still have that instincts as do women, that why we dress the way we do, tight low-cut dresses, tiny little bathing suits. Its to draw attention to us. Young or old,fat or skinny, we do it to attract attention to ourself. Then men look at us.Much like the colorful feathers on a bird. It does no harm unless he acts on it and pursues the woman. That rarely happens as men are more visual than women and merely gaze or look at others. We women should not make more out of this then it is. From the tone of most of the female letters I have read, it appears that most of the letters are written by low esteem women that act jealous if their men look at other women. But that's another topic completely. If he's true to you and not an all out ass, don't make more out of his glances then what they are. Dress a little more sexy and take care of your man at home (Tip:they love oral sex)

and you will see your relationship bloom into a lovely union and you will feel better about yourself too !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008):

I googled male oggling because I was literally forced out of a restaurant by male oggling. This was a restaurant I frequented daily. First a young male waiter would greet me with hugs, rubbing my arms, grabbing me to show his "appreciation" for my patronage. I brushed him off and refused to engage him after that. I then realized I couldn't be open or even friendly as a friendly hello in response to another friendly hello from a waiter would result in further intrusions. The other men in the restaurant joined in on the fun and I had to endure the whole pack of them -- male managers/waiters-- sit at a table and just stare at me the whole time I was there.

It's awful. I have no idea how to respond to men who do this. It seems so intrusive when they just stare at you. One of the male waiters continued to try to engage me. When I ignored him, he said he knew the men were always space and when I agreed, telling him I didn't appreciate the staring and attempted touching, I was thrown out of the restaurant, so they could cover their asses.

Men need to assume personal responsibility. If I go jogging or power walking, men drive past every few minutes asking if they can give me a ride, get a date, get directions, etc. It's awful. What do they know about me besides feeling their winkie rise by my presence, as female.

If a man ogles, get rid of him. Preserve your self esteem and self respect. Men will call you a lesbian, a man hater, neurotic, etc....but you don't want these men anyway. A good, decent man will get it...and honestly the better a woman you are, the better the man you will attract. I have noticed that the men who leer like this often wind up with women or draw women to them who play the sex power card. Let's face it, ladies, we know what kind of power our sexuality/ beauty generates as men remind us each and every day in sometimes subtle and not so sublt ways.

These men do have problems...Many are addicted to porn. Others are just immature emotionally. Many are simply low functioning and of an unsuitable mentality. Some are just sex addicted.

I have to ask you this...did any of you use sex or sexual chemistry to select your partners? If so, then you have only yourself to blame. The reason you picked each other was for animalistic reasons -- sexual chemistry. When you are a bigger person, more evolved, spiritually and mentally, you pick mates for different reasons. I know that I would not be compatible with the sort of mentality pervs have...but some men love them as they want to be the center of a man's world or they love the power they have over that man through the use/exploitation of their beauty, etc....They play little games ...in a Pavlovian way...flirt/flaunt breasts, etc. to get a reaction/get their way..and then act suprised when the same male falls prey to other women who play the same game.

Water seeks its own level. Be a woman of character and integrity and you will attract the same. I am incompatible with the types of men described in this post, but my life is full of wonderful, respectful men. I would never accept less...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007):

Hi there, I also have this problem and find the given answer unsatisfactorily. I do believe that men practice looking at women because they don't understand what it is doing to their own relationships (women feeling that she's not good enough, not interesting anymore etc). Men are in general very selfish. They assume that they have the right to 'look'. If this was written in the marriage contract, very few women would have signed it, and where would they be then? No, I believe that society has given men the 'right' to look because it gets accepted as 'part of being a male'. Instead, men should be taught the value of prizing their own marriage and being faithful to their wife in ALL aspects. Testosterone cannot be blamed for everything, it is just an inflated excuse.

In today's society the female body is used to sell everything, from icecream to cars. I believe that is because it appeals to men and therefore the media coins in on it. If men could be strong enough to deny themselves the pleasure of looking, all these tactics will not work.

I firmly believe that women should not just accept this as the inevitable. Just 'learn to live with it' is accepting it as something that cannot be changed. Anyone can change if they have a good insight in what it does to their wife, and also has enough love for her to acknowledge that it is just a very very selfish passion they are responding to. If us women wanted to, we could also do many things that are 'purely women' and due to our 'estrogen levels' eg the need to have sex in order to have babies. There is no excuse for men to look if they have a happy marriage which includes a healthy sex life and a wife that cares about how she presents herself. Women should stand up for their rights. They should not condone women exposing themselves in order to get attention from other males, married or unmarried. An men should consider what marriage is about.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

This problem bothered me so much that I did some research into why men like to ogle even though they love their wife/girlfriend. The reason men do it is basically because it is an addiction to them. Men are designed to respond to visual stimuli, especially the female form in a young, healthy or fertile looking state. Hence, men will respond to a lot of women. This, they can't help as when they notice someone physically attractive, the reward pathways in their brain produces dopamine (same pleasure chemical produced when taking drugs or having sex)increasing heart rate and blood flow to the organs and serotonin (the feel good chemical produced when you eat chocolate). The dopamine/serotonin effect is designed to captivate the male so much that they loose control and block out everything else except what they have set their sights on (including a 10 year marriage and any offspring!!)This is natures way of attracting men to females to ensure reproduction. The more testostorone a male has and the more physically attractive he finds the female, the greater his response will be and the more difficult it will be to control his reaction.

The dopamine effect feels so good that, like taking drugs, it is addictive and that is why men go to great lengths to look at beautiful women and female anatomy. Women have low levels of testostorone so the dopamine reaction would be practically insignificant.

It is not impossible for males to control their reaction but it would take months of brain training techniques to enable them to do it and would be extremely difficult in todays society where sexuality is waved in their faces all day long.

The fact that males do this does not mean that they don't love you or find you attractive. That doesn't make it easy to deal with, I know, but it's a fact of life and one you would need to deal with no matter who you date/marry.

I spoke to my other half about how uncomfortable it makes me feel and he is making a conscious effort to tone it down especially when he is in my company. If your partner loves you, he should do the same but bear in mind that giving up this habit would be as diffult as if not more difficult than giving up drugs. It would be like waving drugs in front of

a drug addict all day long and expecting them to give up the habit.

If it's any consolation, ogling women is a sign that your man has got healthy testostorone levels and will mean that he is capable of having a healthy sexual relationship with you. If he didn't do it, chances are he won't be up for it in bed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

i have never understood it myself. All i know is that it bothers me when my boyfriend does it. I know he loves me but it still hurts that im not the center of his attention all the time. I honestly believe that men are like dogs and that they cant control thier instincts. They love their wife or girlfriend but their always "sniffing" or checking out the scene. It sucks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007):

I am dumping my sleazy ogler. I have had 2 out of 13 total boyfriends in my life who have done this. One I dumped after a few months because it was so offensive. One I was dumb enough to marry (he started it after we got married).

Some men are glancers (a glance, and away) and some are 'trackers', they stare hungrily as if they are starving to death and use side view and rear view mirrors and stuff and subterfuge, follow them in the supermarket aisles to see what their other bits and what their faces look like. They think we do not notice this and deny that they do it. This guy also likes teen porn and especially stares at teen schoolgirls with their bare legs, he is like a kid in a candy shop when he goes to town and all the high school girls are getting out of class and walking through the town.

I tried to avoid travelling with him but really don't you want to be able to walk around in public (especially with a partner) and enjoy yourself and not be grinding your teeth? Want to travel in your old age? Want to travel with an ogler? No. They make your peregrinations miserable with their drooling. The feeling that you are starving him because he needs that variety so much is not nice either.

Looking forward to dumping this jerk soon. Just moved out and it feels SO good to just walk around town and enjoy walking, you know? it's not just people-watching. The women who are complaining here are talking about a certain pervy voyeuristic behavior that is worse than what the average guy does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

let me tell you a funny tale.

I once worked in an office, and this guy used to stare at women, and sometimes the girls would comment that he fancied them and similar comments in this post. Well I could have laughed, one day in the office, he turned around to one woman and said very absent mindedly, "when you were younger I bet you were really attractive." Which of course made 2 other girls giggle, one of those girls commented very brazenly trying to be a bit bitchy toward the girl in question (who was actually still very attractive, young or not in that really irriting way, very natural and a nice person to boot), and in response he turned around to her and said," oh my god you are younger than her? I thought you were older." Her face nearly fell through the floor. Well I sat there and I had to stifle my laughter at how womans vanity leaves them ripe and open to this blunder sometimes. Sometimes women are so connviniced that every man is looking at them thinking they are beautiful when the truth is people are weighing things up mentally. I will never forget that and now when I see men looking at women I honestly know that women always seem to think that men are only looking becuase they fancy you which to a confident women puffs the female ego and to an insecure woman makes her feel uncomfortable, actually men do a lot of sizing up about a lot of things,( they build houses for god sake,sizing up is part of their nature) and about gaining perspective about people around them, their attentions may not always be what you think both postive and negative, truth is until it comes out of their mouth you never really know. Another tale i remember was I once went out with a gang of males, which was a brilliant night out, but there was one girl they all kept looking at, which I thought, honestly was a lust thing, when they got outside, they got chatting about it and it seemed that they were wondering whether or not she was actually a man. i could not beleive how ugly the humour was about it( they were pretty cruel), but again it just went to show they were weighing up other possibilties, no ones said phwoar check her out. So men are not always being that lovely to tell you the truth, in fact men can be pretty bitchy themselves when it suits them, usually if they like a woman you will get some look of approval or a grope or a comment ( well hello there, to which you usually give them the eye of death and walk away), but just oggling, well i have heard some pretty shocking things and it can go both ways. Women need to stop being so vain, you may be attractive, but men also like to have a joke at others expense, so beware on taking yourself far too seriously. I learnt so much from those experiences, it taught me the ugly truth is that people judge you on all levels and it can be less complimentary than you think. Sorry to piss on a proverbial bonfire. Men oggle for all reasons, unless it is obvious like they are really looking at your tits or they make a phwoar comment, you can not always predict what people are thinking aobut and be quite surprised at what they come out with. One guy who used to stare at me, turned to his friend and said, "you know mate, I don't know what I think about black people" well can you imagine. No neither could I all I did know is I didn't expect that one. It knocked my socks off to be honest, cheeky swine. funny though. frigging hilarity.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

let me tell you a funny tale.

I once worked in an office, and this guy used to stare at women, and sometimes the girls would comment that he fancied them and similar comments in this post. Well I could have laughed, one day in the office, he turned around to one woman and said very absent mindedly, "when you were younger I bet you were really attractive." Which of course made 2 other girls giggle, one of those girls commented very brazenly trying to be a bit bitchy toward the girl in question (who was actually still very attractive, young or not in that really irriting way, very natural and a nice person to boot), and in response he turned around to her and said," oh my god you are younger than her? I thought you were older." Her face nearly fell through the floor. Well I sat there and I had to stifle my laughter at how womans vanity leaves them ripe and open to this blunder sometimes. Sometimes women are so connviniced that every man is looking at them thinking they are beautiful when the truth is people are weighing things up mentally. I will never forget that and now when I see men looking at women I honestly know that women always seem to think that men are only looking becuase they fancy you which to a confident women puffs the female ego and to an insecure woman makes her feel uncomfortable, actually men do a lot of sizing up about a lot of things,( they build houses for god sake,sizing up is part of their nature) and about gaining perspective about people around them, their attentions may not always be what you think both postive and negative, truth is until it comes out of their mouth you never really know. Another tale i remember was I once went out with a gang of males, which was a brilliant night out, but there was one girl they all kept looking at, which I thought, honestly was a lust thing, when they got outside, they got chatting about it and it seemed that they were wondering whether or not she was actually a man. i could not beleive how ugly the humour was about it( they were pretty cruel), but again it just went to show they were weighing up other possibilties, no ones said phwoar check her out. So men are not always being that lovely to tell you the truth, in fact men can be pretty bitchy themselves when it suits them, usually if they like a woman you will get some look of approval or a grope or a comment ( well hello there, to which you usually give them the eye of death and walk away), but just oggling, well i have heard some pretty shocking things and it can go both ways. Women need to stop being so vain, you may be attractive, but men also like to have a joke at others expense, so beware on taking yourself far too seriously. I learnt so much from those experiences, it taught me the ugly truth is that people judge you on all levels and it can be less complimentary than you think. Sorry to piss on a proverbial bonfire. Men oggle for all reasons, unless it is obvious like they are really looking at your tits or they make a phwoar comment, you can not always predict what people are thinking aobut and be quite surprised at what they come out with. One guy who used to stare at me, turned to his friend and said, "you know mate, I don't know what I think about black people" well can you imagine. No neither could I all I did know is I didn't expect that one. It knocked my socks off to be honest, cheeky swine. funny though. frigging hilarity.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007):

My boyfriend is constantly checking out "hot chicks" when we are together, which I find to be extremely disrespectful. I think it is perfectly normal for a guy to notice a "hot chick", but to stare at her or do a double take is not appropriate. When you are out with your gf/bf your focus should be on that person. I have never been an insecure person, but his ogling is very extreme, which makes me very insecure. I have had several boyfriends and have never had one ogle so much that it made me uncomfortable. When discussed he said he "will try, but could not make any promises". How hard is self control and respect? It does not seem very hard to me. I really like him, but if it continues I'm done. No one should settle for feeling second best, because there is someone out there that will make you feel #1.

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A female reader, totogril United States +, writes (22 September 2007):

Men who do that have a need

1 Some do it to get attention from other people looking

at them when there doing it.

2 Some men go of in there own world and do not realize what there doing.

3 And there are those men who could be very dangerous.

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A female reader, totogril United States +, writes (22 September 2007):

Men who do that have a need

1 Some do it to get attention from other people looking

at them when there doing it.

2 Some men go of in there own world and do not realize what there doing.

3 And there are those men who could be very dangerous.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

We were out to a show, my boyfriend actually bent at the waist, 4 or 5 times, to ogle a young woman's legs. At first I could not figure out what he was doing, then it dawned on me. On the way home I confronted my friend with this, he told me what an imagination I had and denied the whole scene.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007):

I really hate this habit, my husband has been ogling ever since i met him and thats 15years,it gets to a point that i just walk away and leave him to go on with it. He says that his mind is usally far when he does this and is not thinking about the other women but i donubt that.he even told me the solution will be for me to also ogle other men i can't because i feel like i'm betraying him. I feel like breaking up with him but I ask myself is there really a man who doesn't ogle? I doubt,it's just the intensity which differs. But one thing is funny, he gets furious when someone else stares at me,i think it's because he knows what the other guy is thinking about because he does the same.

The worst part is when a man ogles at a woman whose much less attractive than you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007):

My husband tries to be discreet when he spots an attractive woman but I still notice him looking. I have spoken to him about this and he tells me that he loves me and finds me attractive but he can't help noticing good looking people.

He claims that women do it too but I don't agree that they do it in the same way. I notice good looking males but I don't feel the need to stare or imagine what they must look like naked. Men will go as far as trying to find naked pictures of celebrities they like on the internet. I've found pictures of the likes of Kylie Minogue with her nipples showing through a top and Lisa Scott Lee topless by a pool on the home PC. I was actually 8 months pregnant when I found these pictures and they did make me feel insecure and inadequate at a time when I needed to feel loved and supported. One of these picures had been sent to a cousin in an email (which I unfortunately came accross by accident)which ranted on about choosing the most attractive checkout girl at the supermarket and how attractive some of his work colleagues are. He advised his cousin not to show the picture to his girlfriend. How respectful! He even found the need to stare for ages at two attractive nurses who were changing the clothes on the bed next to me in hospital a few days after I'd given birth to our little girl (right under my nose). It upset me so much that I did a bit of internet research about why men like to ogle. I found that when men do something that encourages reproduction (including looking at attractive women or breasts, legs or bums), the reward centre in their brains are activated and this releases feel good hormones. Men literally get pleasure from looking at beautiful women and that is why very attractive women have the world at their feet (J-Lo, Kylie, models etc). There is no such activation in the reward centre of female brains when they look at attractive men. How many famous male models do you know? I accept that my husband doesn't have any emotional feelings for the women he ogles but it still pees me off when he stares at other women when in my company. I think that although looking at women is pleasurable to men, it is a controllable habit and if they can't respect you enough to control it when you're around and they know it upsets you then I think you're better off on your own. Yes, we are responsible for our own happiness so don't be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. My husband's behaviour has definitely affected our relationship, I don't see him in the same light or trust him fully, and if it weren't for our beautiful daughter, I would seriously have considered walking out on this marriage due to lack of respect. Trouble is, men are programmed to sow their seeds as much as possible and are not designed for monogamy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007):

The way I handle my man, is to just make the comment about the girl who has caught his eye first. This usually breaks the ice and we can discuss our thoughts openly. It also avoids me feeling awkward about him noticing other women. It is perfectly normal. We notice other men.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007):

Honestly, I don't think it's the biggest deal...I have literally the perfect guy, he's hot, smart, and so nice to me, but he will look at girls for a good 3 seconds every time we're out, I honestly think it's just a picture show to them and not a big problem unless they approach the girls they look at

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007):

I've read the posted replies and I don't feel any better about my "situation". I have tried to bring it up with my b/f. He constantly ooks at "young scantily dressed females". Interesting enoough, his daughter dresses like that and comments that she should wear more clothes. Interesting. The only answer he has about the double standard is "well, she's my daughter". How does that work exactly? I'm okay with people watching - I do it. As a result of his behavior, I told him I don't trust him anymore. I'm feeling used. I've thought of it and it isn't really fair for me to change him. He says he wants to be with me but frankly (blah blah blah)but I don't want to go in public with him anymore because of how he is. It looks doomed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007):

Yes, it is to boost their ego and to feel more secure within themselves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007):

All I can say is give these men "THE OGLERS BOOT", they aren't worth going out with

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007):

It's time for a real women input here!

I have a good working career, everything is going well in my life, I have money, I'm pretty, and I have a cool relationship with my boyfriend since 3 years now. When we are going out together, he's looking at other women, sometimes it's only a quick look, sometimes he's ogling and waiting for a smile. But the fact is that I'm looking at other pretty men too! Mens can be sexual objects to look at for me too! And sometimes when I'm alone and a pretty man is looking at me, I will look at him and smile to him. I think it's normal for an heterosexual woman to look at pretty men, even when she's with her boyfriend. I think it's important for a woman to be confident enough to do that. Women have the rights to live their life too and express their emotions. I love my boyfriend and our relationship is going well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007):

I'm one of those a$$holes that is guilty of this. For me, it's all about my ego. I know it's wrong because my wife and I have paid a hefty price for it. Lately, I've curbed the habit, which is exactly what it becomes if we don't put it in check, but am still caught/catch myself doing it now and again. It's a frustrating issue at best, and a demeaning act at worse. It all boils down to personal responsibilty. We all know what is appropriate and what isn't and need to stop making bullsh!t excuses for our convenient behavior.

I feel that is indeed symptomatic of a degrading, hateful, misogynistic culture. Men will say that women are guilty, too. Well, men, I encourage you to pay attention to the way other men behave en masse toward women, then vice versa, and compare notes. I can guarantee you that the men's ogling is more invasive, consistent, and unrelenting than the women's.

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A female reader, Charm Ireland +, writes (11 July 2007):

I would seriously let him go. DOnt go on holiday with him or meet his parents. He obviously does not love you. Find someone who moves you not runs over you. Trust me it will only get worse. These sorts of men who ogle every woman that goes by are insecure and need constant validation. This overrides their awareness and makes them run after other woman without a single thought as to what it may be doing to you. It destroys your self esteem. Why be with someone who makes you feel worse instead of better? Why waste your years on tears? Women who say that its nothing are only lying to themselves. Trust and respect are 2 fundamental parts of a relationship. Get out of there as quickly as you can while there is still time.

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A female reader, Sunflower1969 United Kingdom +, writes (11 July 2007):

Well this is a subject I have been giving much thought to over the past few days. My boyfriend of 5 months was out with me the other night, and we had just had a lovely dinner in the house, followed by amazing lovemaking and a real growing intimacy and closeness... then we popped out for a drink in a bar. I could not believe his behaviour. He was a bit drunk when we left the house, but it's no excuse surely... a taxi was parked close to my flat with a dark skinned girl in the back, the car was about to pull off. His eyes were popping out of their skull when he saw her and he exclaimed "OOH, chocolate!". I said, "pardon me??" and he just laughed, then almost fell over himself when a couple of women came round the corner and undressing one of them with his eyes and almost falling into her cleavage shouted "Oh my God, would you look at that!!. It gets worse, he actually tried to run after a girl in the street wearing a pair of shorts. What on earth should I do? I'm supposed to be going on holiday with him next week as well as meeting his family and I feel I want to end it if this is how he carries on with a few drinks inside him. It was like I wasn't even there.. and I'm wondering what he's like now when I'm not.. advice please!

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A female reader, Charm Ireland +, writes (8 July 2007):

Guys I have one thing for you. When you oggle other women and the woman you are with notices this you are short changing yourself because a woman needs to know her man thinks the world of her and her alone. What you are missing out on is alot actually. You miss out on finding out what a beautiful wonderful person you are with. You miss out on intimacy and this is critical in a relationship. Oggling and running after other women destroys the respect and tender fruits of the love your wife/girlfriend has for you. This also destroys trust in a relationship which is vital and no relationship can live without. Whats more is that she wont get what she needs from you, that is admiration and attention and she will not want to have sex either because she would be afraid that when you are doing the deed you are thinking of someone else. This will eventually make her loose interest in you and you will find someone else sure ....until you find someone else to oggle at and it will start all over again which will eventually have u end up alone, old with no one to spend your life with plus a string of bad relationships with no turning back. Girls never ever ever settle for a man who treats you this way because there are men out there who will treat you like the treasure you are. A person worth respect, love and true intimacy....God Bless you all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007):

they are unhappy at home.there is admiring an attractive woman - then there is what these men do.

i was flirting with someone heavily for 4 months-he was very aggressive flirting with me-but i noticed as soon as i responded to his flirting advances-he would become nervous and then do something to annoy me to create the "distance" for a day or 2 -

that's when i said either married or living with someone and can't do anything.

2 weeks ago he flashes his ring in my face as if to say i am married its confirmed - also i think wants see what is the next phase in our game-

now he's flirting with me with the ring on because he created a new sick twist for himself-on friday he holds up an article of a newspaper in my face that says "i need more promises"

which means i think anyway "wants to feel more secure with me"

the best part of all of this is- he and i have never exchanged any communication to each other! this game we play is on our way to and from work morning and night-

my mom and friends all say the same thing-something's wrong at home.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

i just want to add in some more male imput here...i'm a straight, masculine guy who does NOT ogle women. most guys who do this are sleazy, superficial, or both. not all guys are like this, but a number are brainwashed to be, mostly by a degenerate minority, and of course by our lovely media.

alot of guys claim that this is somehow "natural", instinctive behavior. its not at all - guys choose to do this, and i they love you, they can choose to not do this.

when i'm single, i tend to notice alot of girls around me because i'm "in the market" for a girlfriend. but i never just check them out like pieces of meet, not when i'm single, and especially not when I have a girlfriend!

women have to realize that the guys who put you down for being upset about this are messing with your self-esteem. they want you to think all guys are like this and you are somehow crazy or petty for having a problem with their crazy behavior. have some self-respect and dump/divorce guys like this...i guarantee you that if you are really honest with yourself, you will see that the husband/bf who direspects you about ogling would direspect you in other ways too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007):

I have never had a problem with my past boyfriends checking out other women but I have never had a man that oogles like my new husband does. Had we spent more time in public when dating and less fishing, I am not sure I would not have married him. I would have thought that he had no interest in me or in the relationship otherwise he wouldn't just seem to abandon us ... to oogle. Now I am married and have to deal with it. I believe he does it for validation ... I know he would never mess around on me, I trust him totally. He doesn't really realize he even does it but he does it to the point that I am embarrassed to be around him when he is oogling. I think he is making an ass of himself and if any man would check me out with their spouse nearby I would think ... what a jerk .. now I am married to him! So I have to change how I perceive things in order to deal with this. My problem is not the looking but the lack of interaction we end up having because he is distracted. It is no fun doing things together in public because we end up not being together but he is there oogling and here I am thinking .. basically I am alone, I think being alone would be a heck of a lot funner. Anyhow, plod along and see how things go. He can look but stay present ... Can't say I have ever had a man like him before..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007):

Men are motral and human. Not all women practice self restraint and will look at a good looking, buff male so ...let's not generalize here.

My Dad says...men will look and let them, but let them do so for three seconds. Then let them tell themselves that was pretty or nice and leave it the hell alone at that.

Self restraint is what the main complaint or the real underlying issue when women make such statements like these.

If more men practiced self restraint, less women would feel threatened.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007):

Time for some male input... All of this whining would be amusing if it wasn't so destructive. Sometimes men ogle, sometimes women just assume because they are jealous or insecure. When a man does notice a 'hot chick' as one of you said it is no different than when a woman is walking through a department store and notices a dress or purse or pair of shoes that are pretty. Like it or not, based solely on a quick glance everything and everyone is an 'object'. Hot chicks or sports cars or even a shiny new boat. Everything thing/person you see are objects at first. You don't develop emotions, like, love, concern, etc., until after you actually know the 'person' inside that outer package. Men don't get your 'problem' with noticing other women because noticing is nothing to us and if you employed some logic, would be nothing to you either. You do the same thing you just don't realize it. Don't believe me, then try this one... a cute baby. Can you have your own baby (who you love unconditionally and completely) and still think another baby is cute? Sure. Are you insulting or somehow hurting your own baby by noticing? Absurd. Does your noticing mean that you somehow love your baby any less? No, again it's absurd. Seriously ladies pull your heads out of the clouds, stop with the amature psycho-analysis and face the truth.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006):

I too, have that problem with the man who says he loves me. He doesn't just ogle, my daughter calls it OOGLING, it is so bad- he leers in a very calculating way then undresses them mentaly, and sometimes they play up to it.Of course, he calls it people watching, and his"perfect" former wife was OK with it. Funny, but he only "people watches" young hot chicks. Now he is getting older and soon, he will be arrested for it as a dirty old man, but somehow, when he looks in the mirror, he doesn't see himself as heading rowards 60! I actually prefer not to go out with him anymore- so he can be oogly and I don't have to feel so diminished by his obvious interest in other women.

This is not an answer. I wish I had an answer, but I have told him how I feel, and expect him to adjust his behaviour.

If he can't , then I can't be with him. Simple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2006):

I am faced with the problem of ogling,with my man of 4 months, he ogles other women when we are out, I feel invisible, and "like why am I wasting my time", I could be doing something with someone who actually wants to be with ME, and having fun! I invited this guy for dinner, and he insisted on turning on a show so he could watch a particular movie star he is attracted to, while I made the dinner. I am a woman who also is ogled by men everywhere, I DON"T LIKE IT! I am a human being, intelligent, lots of fun, and I refuse to be with a man who cannot be completley with me, it is okay to do whatever when you are out with the boys. I say to you men out there" Have respect for your wife, girlfriend while out, be a man, be a boy when you are out with the boys. Heh, and remember, while your ogling some other woman, another guy is OGLING YOUR WOMAN.

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A male reader, Cookieinthesun +, writes (20 January 2006):

This is a problem in my relationship too. I've told him to get his quote of ogling other women full when he goes out with his buddies but when he is with me, I want him to make me feel that he is enjoying ME and MY company. Last time we went out he couldn't take his eyes of the butt of the waitress for a long time, and then he said 'I wonder if she wears a string?' How fun is that?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005):

they flirt with women, that they find attractive. also, they re interested in the womans response, its like a open invite. there just waiting for the womens response.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005):

Some say men do this because they want to please the eye and make their egos soar, especially if they get a smile back. It's a "guy thing"—some do, some don't. But I encourage women to talk to their guy about it. Nature wired men to notice pretty women (otherwise, our husband wouldn't have noticed us!) However-if one's husband's looking at other women in a prolonged, lustful fashion, his wife's discomfort and..the other woman (the one he's ogling) is very appropriate—and he's disrespecting you and the object of his 'ogling'.

It may never have occurred to one's husband that what he does with his eyes could be SO important. Most men don't realize how obvious their actions are both to the women they're eyeing and to their wives. I suggest to women to always try to separate their discomfort over this from their feelings of inadequacy. Their feelings of rejection may have more to do with her own insecurity than with how your husband actually feels about you.

The next time it happens and she should talk freely, tell her husband she's noticed him looking at the other woman and wondered if he knew what it felt like to the other woman, to be eyeballed that way. He probably look at you rather dumbly (duh!) and then he'll probably be defensive. Don't argue with him. Calmly & simply explain how you feel when a man does that to you ( as a sex object). Tell him you know he probably thinks it's no big deal, but it can make a the majority of woman feel "demeaned." Explain that there's a difference between discreetly noticing and ogling. Make him aware of how "he" is appearing to others that are noticing his behaviour. Frankly, as a woman..I find this behaviour rather embarrassing & I have actually felt a bit ashamed to be see with a guy who has done this. Only because I have witnessed the reactions of other women who are ogled and believe me...many find it very degrading! So why do men do it?

I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago. I don't know about other gals out there..But I do know this-I simply don't tolerate it. Simply because, without a doubt-NO women ever deserves to be treated like a "piece of meat".

Irish

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (23 August 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntThis really does depend on the man in question. It could be to just boost his own ego, to make sure he stll has what it takes to charm a woman. I think it is more to do with this then him not being happy in his marriage. He is just having a view of the different grass but not necessarily finding out if it does grow greener.

However, it doesn't make it right to do it and does show some disrespect for his partner. After all, the other lady may think that he can't think much of his partner if he can flirt with her and such behaviour will often make the current partner question as to whether he is really happy.

I would suggest opening up the communication channels, describing feelings over this and then if he doesn't listen and continues with such behaviour, consider doing the same with men.

Fortunately, not all men are like that. There are some respectful and decent men out there!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005):

Hi , Im sorry but Im one of those crazy women thats gonna wait( probably till her death ) to meet a special guy who sees women as something more than a walking pair of &^%s and ^%$^. I am sick and tired of H oggling and being ogled by OW H. Kicking him to the kerb...kids and I r better off without sleezy Husband...and if there all like that....that we're still better off without them

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A female reader, Anastasia Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (22 August 2005):

Anastasia agony auntMen...we can never really figure them out can we? Have a wife but still likes to look. Now nothing is wrong with looking but if he ogles...then we have a problem. I think it is just their ego exercising itself to see if they still have it after being married. To some it is that but to some if it goes beyond the ogling then you have a problem. It does not mean that they are not happy in their marriage, that is just how they are really. You have to know your husband and have that security in your marriage to not let it bother you. If it bothers that much...communication is the answer to it. Tell you darling that it makes you feel uncomfortable and unattractive to him. Ask him why he does it...Communication is so important in any relationship. If he can't read minds then he has no clue what you are thinking..smile. ana

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A reader, madam treudeau +, writes (22 August 2005):

the answer to your question is all of the above. because you my friend have answered your own question leaving out (1) one very important thing they are trying to aquire notches on their bedposts, take into consideration that you too are one of those notches. married or not most men find it very hard to resist or pass up a picture perfect flower garden just knowing that there are some flowers in it that have never been touched.

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