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Why do married men look at porn? A man's perspective, please.

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Question - (29 August 2006) 70 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2011)
A female , anonymous writes:

Why do married men look at porn?

I have an agreement with my husband (of 9 years)that strip clubs, magazines, movies and surfing the net is fine...but i found a subscription to a web site that featured one girl. I found this to be pushing it. I'm no spring chicken but i do take care of myself and dress up for him and offer to change it up...he just isn't interested. Why would he be more comfortable with a stranger? A man'a perspective would be appreciated.

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A female reader, anonymous83 United States +, writes (30 October 2011):

BS about not having one person to be with, that you have to have more than one person. Total BS! Oh, and I love how men are always like, "I don't like the fact that I do it... It makes me feel nasty..." WHATEVER! You do not feel nasty about doing it, because if you did you wouldn't do it! That's common sense. I think men just need to learn to stop thinking with their...well, one head, and start thinking with the one that counts! You want to watch porn, it's accessable, so you're gonna do it because you have no control over yourself. It's pathetic, really. Seriously, if a woman can control herself, a man can do it, too. We're of the same species for God's sake! Stop being idiots, and just admit that you're being douchebags about it.

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A female reader, InsertCatchyName United States +, writes (26 July 2010):

I think that if all men would stop being stubborn and just realize that the women in porn are fake as hell with their hair extensions,(wigs in some cases), caked on make-up, plastic surgery, airbrushing etc, they would quickly lose interest in looking at porn. I don't think it's the porn itself that is addictive, it's the "perfect" women in the porn. And they're naked and doing dirty stuff as well, so that just makes it all the more appealing. But if you were to take away all of their fake beauty, the rest would lose it's appeal instantly. All actresses, models, singers, and especially porn stars have A LOT of help with their appearance before going on camera. Most all women look better with hair that's halfway down their back or longer so hair extensions are added and blended in well with their real hair to make the stars who don't have the face for short hair look a lot better. But take away all that fake hair and chances are they are no better looking than the average man's wife. And every person in holly wood has had some sort of plastic surgery, even if it was just a nose job. Why? Because they ARE NOT naturally perfect...no one is. Even if they appear to be naturally perfect, they are not. It just means they are really good at doing their make-up and hair so it isn't as obvious, and they had a good plastic surgeon. And I'm not just talking out my ass, either. Google it if you don't believe me.

As for all the women out their in relationships or marriages suffering because your man looks at porn, don't. Don't be jealous of fake perfection as those women spend hours to look that good everyday while you're spending your time doing better things. They are totally unoriginal, and all look the same after awhile, just different hair colors, and chances are even that's not natural. If you try to compete with that, you are just wasting your time. Besides, even if men married a woman like that, believe it or not most would STILL watch porn because for whatever reason, they are never going to be satisfied with only fantasizing about one woman for the rest of their lives. If they could be satisfied by just fantasizing about one woman, they would simply watch the same porn video over and over again, but I don't know any man that does that, so there ya go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010):

To Original Poster.

Please ignore most the responses by the women. Trust me when I tell you that a judgmental, self-righteous attitude will only drive your husband further away. That is not what you want. Women (especially close-minded ones) don't understand men. Least of all do they understand their sexual desires. Seeing as how you wanted a mans opinion, I highly suggest you ignore all the female comments.

Most the men have it right. Married men usually first turn to porn because they don't feel loved. They don't feel like their wife is taking care of them the way they need to be taken care of. Men associate affectionate, willing sex as an expression of love. One of the most important and fulfilling type of expressions you can give a man.

Judging us for this is an automatic turn-off to sex and love. We need to feel that you understand our need for these desires to be fulfilled. We need to feel that you don't look down on us for needing it. Some women say that we don't "need" it, but I assure you it as important to our happiness as food and water. And there is nothing wrong or "perverted" about this. Its how we feel warm and fulfilled toward love. This is how we are built. And it's a good thing it is there, because no matter how you look at it (God , Evolution, etc.), it is the driving force to the propagation of our species.

So why don't men go to their wives to fulfill these desires? Because they feel they can't. Maybe you unintentionally belittle him. Maybe they feel emasculated by you. Maybe you nag or criticize him. Maybe you make him feel like his desires are a nuisance to you. If you respond to his desires like it's a chore, he'll definitely notice. I know many men who watch porn when their wives are sleeping, because they don't want to wake them. Most men know that porn is wrong. Most men know that it is a poor substitute for a wife. But they find it's an outlet for their desires when they are 'chained' to an unavailable wife. Maybe you feel like your being available when your actually not. Maybe your refusing to do some things (fulfilling his fantasies), or rejecting him from time to time.

So first thing to do is talk to your husband. Let him know that even though he has this problem, you still love him and you don't judge him for it. Let him know that you are there to help him out in ANY way you can to help him overcome this. Tell him that even if you don't understand why he needs it, you understand that many good men have the same problem. Telling him that its degrading to women and that its wrong will not likely sway him. Not because he's a bad person, but because by saying these things you communicate to him loud and clear that you don't understand his problem.

Ask him if he feels you nag ,criticize, or belittle him. Ask him if he feels you are unavailable to him. Ask if he feels you somehow make him not feel like a man. Ask him if he sometimes feels like he's trapped with an unresponsive wife. Then tell him that you did not mean to hurt him in these ways, and that you promise to stop doing these things. Let him know that you are always available for him.

Tell him that when he is feeling tempted by porn, to immediately come to you, so you can help him release his desires. At first this will seem like it happens very often and at the most inopportune times. Its grown into such a huge thing because he feels like a trapped tiger, only getting more hungry in the cage. But once you've proven to him that you are always available, he will feel free, he will feel fulfilled. Once he starts to feel this way, the frequency should slow down considerably to a manageable pace and he will be happy with you and his marriage.

We men have trouble talking about our feelings. Especially to our wives. We want to feel like a strong man. We don't want our wives to think we are weaklings that have sensitive feelings, or if you think men needing sex is bad or "pathetic". We want to solve our problems ourselves. If we need a sexual outlet, we will try to find another way ourselves. The last thing we want to do is admit to our wives what we really need from them. Because that would make us look weak or pathetic (the way we look at it anyway). In fact, the only reason I'm talking so candid right now is because I know that none of you people will ever know me :)

Let him know that you don't think he's weak just because you hurt his feelings. Everyone has feelings. Let him know that you now understand that all men need these desires fulfilled in order to be happy in a marriage. Let him know your willing to do it. Be enthusiastic about it. If you let him know that you don't judge him for having these desires, or that having feelings doesn't make him seem less manly to you, he should open up.

Be uplifting and encouraging at all times. Do NOT criticize or put-down.

I know that this is a lot to ask of you, but I know it will help him overcome his addiction, and help save your marriage. I hope you feel your marriage, and your husband are worth this big step.

The best of wishes to you,

A Man

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A male reader, A Man United States +, writes (4 April 2010):

To Original Poster.

Please ignore most the responses by the women. Trust me when I tell you that a judgmental, self-righteous attitude will only drive your husband further away. That is not what you want. Women (especially close-minded ones) don't understand men. Least of all do they understand their sexual desires. Seeing as how you wanted a mans opinion, I highly suggest you ignore all the female comments.

Most the men have it right. Married men usually first turn to porn because they don't feel loved. They don't feel like their wife is taking care of them the way they need to be taken care of. Men associate affectionate, willing sex as an expression of love. One of the most important and fulfilling type of expressions you can give a man.

Judging us for this is an automatic turn-off to sex and love. We need to feel that you understand our need for these desires to be fulfilled. We need to feel that you don't look down on us for needing it. Some women say that we don't "need" it, but I assure you it as important to our happiness as food and water. And there is nothing wrong or "perverted" about this. Its how we feel warm and fulfilled toward love. This is how we are built. And it's a good thing it is there, because no matter how you look at it (God , Evolution, etc.), it is the driving force to the propagation of our species.

So why don't men go to their wives to fulfill these desires? Because they feel they can't. Maybe you unintentionally belittle him. Maybe they feel emasculated by you. Maybe you nag or criticize him. Maybe you make him feel like his desires are a nuisance to you. If you respond to his desires like it's a chore, he'll definitely notice. I know many men who watch porn when their wives are sleeping, because they don't want to wake them. Most men know that porn is wrong. Most men know that it is a poor substitute for a wife. But they find it's an outlet for their desires when they are 'chained' to an unavailable wife. Maybe you feel like your being available when your actually not. Maybe your refusing to do some things (fulfilling his fantasies), or rejecting him from time to time.

So first thing to do is talk to your husband. Let him know that even though he has this problem, you still love him and you don't judge him for it. Let him know that you are there to help him out in ANY way you can to help him overcome this. Tell him that even if you don't understand why he needs it, you understand that many good men have the same problem. Telling him that its degrading to women and that its wrong will not likely sway him. Not because he's a bad person, but because by saying these things you communicate to him loud and clear that you don't understand his problem.

Ask him if he feels you nag ,criticize, or belittle him. Ask him if he feels you are unavailable to him. Ask if he feels you somehow make him not feel like a man. Ask him if he sometimes feels like he's trapped with an unresponsive wife. Then tell him that you did not mean to hurt him in these ways, and that you promise to stop doing these things. Let him know that you are always available for him.

Tell him that when he is feeling tempted by porn, to immediately come to you, so you can help him release his desires. At first this will seem like it happens very often and at the most inopportune times. Its grown into such a huge thing because he feels like a trapped tiger, only getting more hungry in the cage. But once you've proven to him that you are always available, he will feel free, he will feel fulfilled. Once he starts to feel this way, the frequency should slow down considerably to a manageable pace and he will be happy with you and his marriage.

We men have trouble talking about our feelings. Especially to our wives. We want to feel like a strong man. We don't want our wives to think we are weaklings that have sensitive feelings, or if you think men needing sex is bad or "pathetic". We want to solve our problems ourselves. If we need a sexual outlet, we will try to find another way ourselves. The last thing we want to do is admit to our wives what we really need from them. Because that would make us look weak or pathetic (the way we look at it anyway). In fact, the only reason I'm talking so candid right now is because I know that none of you people will ever know me :)

Let him know that you don't think he's weak just because you hurt his feelings. Everyone has feelings. Let him know that you now understand that all men need these desires fulfilled in order to be happy in a marriage. Let him know your willing to do it. Be enthusiastic about it. If you let him know that you don't judge him for having these desires, or that having feelings doesn't make him seem less manly to you, he should open up.

Be uplifting and encouraging at all times. Do NOT criticize or put-down.

I know that this is a lot to ask of you, but I know it will help him overcome his addiction, and help save your marriage. I hope you feel your marriage, and your husband are worth this big step.

The best of wishes to you,

A Man

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009):

One more thing, if your husband gave up porn and his other unlawful behaviors which are disrespectful toward you, then his conscience would be free to focus on only you, and love you like a true husband should. I imagine it would ultimately be fulfilling for the both of you, as it seems to me his disinterest in you may stem from guilt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009):

I'm sorry, I don't know how to read your whole follow up, original poster. I could only view the first few lines. In my opinion, it is too personal, because all porn and viewing of other women naked, and lusting after them is adultry. I don't understand your logic. Why is everything else okay, but not this one woman? If you ask me, it's all the same...

I did ask my husband about it, if you want a man's perspective, and he seems to feel the same way. It's all the same...

Maybe that will make you feel better, or maybe you are jealous, because you should be, and it has nothing to do with your self esteme. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your true feelings on the issue. Who wants their man gawking at other women? Someone who knows he will anyway? I could never be satisfied with that, and you don't have to be either.

And in my opinion, it's not healthy for your husband, or your marriage, or your children (if you have any) if he does so either.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009):

Why do married men look at porn? I'm not a man, but I think the answer is more simple than complex.

My story, I've been married almost 10 years and going on four children with my absolutely wonderful husband.

Just over a year ago, I uncovered that not only did he have a love affair going on with porn, but he also was "sharing" naked pictures of me with people he had befriended on the internet, and he had dabbled with connecting with women on Creig's list. (He never actually met anyone, but he did speak with a woman on the phone while he was out of town, which made me highly suspicious)!

Yes, I was very hurt! I thought about leaving him. But, alas, I love him, and because of his sorrow and commitment to end his deviant, perverted behavior, I have chosen the path of forgiveness. Not an easy decision, because I have often been let down by the men in my life beginning at an early age, and I have been the victim of the selfish perversions of men to the point of almost being a man hater or certainly determining never to intrust my life to one of them.

I loath porn, I think it is an extremely negative force in our society responsible for failed relationships, failed lives, and even violent crimes against women and children! So, that's my point of view, it's perversion. Unfortunately, people who have become perverted have compromised their conscience to various degrees, some to the point of no return, and others who have their work cut out for them and will undoubtedly suffer as a result of not resisting temptation after temptation.

So, please ladies, take it from me, don't open your bed to other people, or let your husbands take indecent pictures of you, or send the man you have a marriage bond out with escorts! The problem is not you!!! The problem is adultry and porns part in it, and what it does to people, desensitizing them to what is is filthy and degrading indistinguishing from what true and beautiful.

Put simply, I ask my husband why he was drawn to porn, and he answered me rhetorically, 'I don't know, why do men like to look at naked women...'

So, you see, it is commmon for all men to be desirous of the woman and attracted to her form. So, if other women are baring all on the internet or wherever else, it is also a temptation common to all men to look! But is it moral? No! It takes a good man to do the right thing, when there are plenty of wrong things out there to lure them into adultry.

So, here is to all the good, moral men and women who love their families, and do what is right, and turn from what is wrong! May we all reap what we sew! I wish you all the undefiled beauty of life and love!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009):

I have the same problem, and I have been married for 14 yrs. I am going to ask my husband and you will have your answer. Here is one answer:

My husband said to me when I asked him to fool around

You don't really understand, I have been sleeping with the same girl for 14 yrs.

Well I said, You asked me to marry you what did u think? You know when you are married you cannot sleep around, you should not have gotten married.

Did you ever think maybe an escort will help you in this situation? I got my husband an escort to give him a blowjob so he would get this shit out of his system, maybe he just needs something like that to get him back to fooling around with you. Believe me, this is something I would never have done before, but it is fun, 2 women sucking your husbands cock, and if you are lucky to have a friend to do this, would be better. I had a threesome with my husbands best friend and its was great. My husband loved watching another man going down on me, and not for nothing it was great. so do each other a favor and try this.

Its a man thing with the porn, do you watch it with him, ask him if he would like 2 women sucking his cock see what he says.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

I am A man and i think men look at porn for enjoyment not because they loose intrest in their partners, its simple enjoyment the same as sports. most women dont watch or know much about sports or simply dont understand when men spit out scores stats and dated events of highlighted moments that get us men all hipe but some women get it and those are usually the ones that are okay with it. porn is interesting and stimulating to men cause most men want simple stimulation and enjoyment, at the same time watching other people have sex is a dirty visual mostly because the people on the screen are strangers and share monents such as orgsama and emotions that are otherwise personal to a couple and should be behind closed doors and to watch the reaction, facial expression moans and grunts of sexual satisfaction of another person having sex creates a desire that is fulfilled. most porn stars do what ever the mind could think of and when you find the kind of porn that stimulates those desires you tend to find more desires to intrest you making it what some say is addictive maybe im wrong but porn is not just for men they make all kind of porn most porn has both male and female so women just give it a break if you have self issues work on them because i know that when women dont like men watching porn its because they have personal issuse whatever that may be.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008):

total lack of morals in society

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

For answers on why men look at porn check out http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/nov/08/gender.weekend7

This made so much sense. Porn is about power over women, not realistic sexual experiences. The compliant women act like living poseable dolls, a fantasy which gives men who watch the feeling of competency and sexual prowess. In additon, porn users temporarily satisfy their need for intimacy, with she the non-demanding, all praising, always ready woman, making real relationships more difficult. It objectifies women and gives men unreal expectations about how to relate to women sexually.

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A female reader, Star_07 United States +, writes (8 November 2007):

Star_07 agony auntI haven't heard of that particular one, but I do know there are all sorts of mating strategies found throughout nature. There is some sort of duck that has two male partners: one for a sperm donor and one for rearing the offspring. And there are plenty of other examples of monogomy, polygamy, and androgyny, and other forms of sexuality. When it comes to humans, I think our best bet is at least long lasting relationships. So why do they need instant gratification and variety as others have said? Why is the woman supposed to be virtuous while the man can do/see just about whatever he desires? Man's world! Ugh! So, I came to this site looking for answers. Should I accept it or reject it? Even if its not detrimental to the relationship?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007):

I will agree StarO7...the evolutionary theory should 'only' apply to 'some animal species. Not all animals are determined to spread the sperm around liberally. Did you know that 'gorillas' mate only with one female, these big apes find no need to spread their seed around. It appears some animal species are indeed, more monogomous and loyal than a lot of humans are, after all. lol Go figure!

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A female reader, Star_07 United States +, writes (7 November 2007):

Star_07 agony auntRight on Irish49. Thats what makes us different from animals! I wouldn't go as far as to state that evolutionary theory is bullshit though. The problem is when people try to apply it to humans. If anyone has ever taken one minute to think about why men produce so much sperm in the first place then they might have a better grasp on what is in our true nature. As far as why men look at porn? I do not understand it myself! On the one hand, I get that men are visual but I feel like most women, repulsed by it. It's bad, bad, and BAD! It's not as bad as cheating though. It objectifies women, gives a false impression, and strengthens our complexes created by society. By the way...its a patriarchy. Hmmm...sounds like we are stuck in this institution until our whole society shifts. Won't happen in my time, Im sure. So what are we to do? When its not an addiction and not totally ruining our relationship?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007):

Female anon below me: You do not know how much I totally, agree with your words! I too, feel this scientific evolutionary theory is such a bunch of bullcrap. I have heard it so many times on this website and I just groan inwardly whenever I do. Just one more lame, weak excuse to give males a reason to cheat.

"Why did I boink this other woman, dear? Gee, I dunno...maybe because I have this uncontrollable need to spread my semen all over the place?" lol I always chuckle when I hear the stupidity of that rationale.

Humans are humans. Men-women, anyone of both genders are responsible for their poor behaviors. Those who cheat are simply making concious, clear cut, stupid choices to do so and to that I will state, *sigh* that they are just a lot unthinking, self involved people out there, who can't keep their pants on and their hormones in check and not care about the values of their family and not exercising some courage. They just want the 'goodies' now and right now and who the hell cares whose lives they devastate to get there. So utterly sad. Plain and simple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007):

Who ever told you that evolutionary theory says that men are not meant to be monogomous and have the need to spread their seed? Think again buddy. For the ultimate survival of the species, children should be raised in a secure relationship (not to say anything bad about the single parents or divorced). Its about the ideal situation for kids.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007):

I feel some married men or committed boyfriends look at porn out of boredom in their sexual lives or addiction to sex, even if the sex is mental and with themselves. I met a man at work. He lives in Florida, I live in California. I think he thought I had a nice voice originally, and he started emailing me at work, and because he is in the IT dept at work he had access into my computer, and would come in to my system, and talk sexy sort of porn things to me. I guess I get involved, because I thought we were friends, and I have to admit I enjoyed writing, and he enjoyed the sexual things I wrote. He has a girlfriend, my ex boyfriend sent her the emails, and she seems fine with it. I however, feel like the dirty little secret at work. I want to tell personel at work, because I feel bad to keep quiet. He just expects me to shut up about it. It makes feel bad, and ugly now. He even sent me nude pictures of himself!! Hard to believe. I consider him a sex addict, I also think he flirts with the idea of cheating, and thats whats next for his little girlfriend. Should I go to the job about this? I wouldn't care if I lost the job. I think he should have consequence for his actions. What does anyone else think?

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A female reader, nitanita Sweden +, writes (23 July 2007):

hi there,

I have a boyfriend who i do care a lot for, Itry to please him with all matters,and we have been living happily together for 6 months now!

unfortunately not long a go i found his porn collection on his laptop. I was just shocked as i really Did Not Expect Him to do such a thing,a huge collection with fitness models. He is always a type of person who critiseses such things and i can say is somhow religious!he says that he feels guilt and is upset with this obsession but can't help it! have counceled a psycolog too!

I had also started weight traing as i knew he was attracted to it !

Now im really confused, he says that he loves me and they are all just his fantasies, though confessed that he also masturbates after looking at them about once a week, what should i do!? i cant accept this as i do feel disturbed and insulted , although i know that all guys watch porn but i wish he was not obsessed with it this way! 3GB fitness models pictures that he does not like to delete even for me!"and he says he really loves me!

please give me some advice, im fed upp with reading others similar problems and just getting more stressed!

advice seeker!Nita

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007):

A male reader writes

The last line is a major key, if the man could turn to his woman for his needs. All too often the woman is more interested in her needs and may not even understand that the man has needs as well. The selfish woman wants to be loved unconditionally, yet she places all kinds of conditions on not only sex, but the entire relationship. Most if not all of the conditions are geared toward the needs of the woman and are so often so enormous that they are or seem unfulfillable to the man. When the woman’s needs are such an obsession to her that she can’t or won’t understand that her man also has needs that need to be met as well it creates a situation that the man feels like he can never satisfy or meet the needs of the woman, he knows that his needs will never be met until he does, and that will never happen.

Porn as hollow and false as it is represents a woman who is willing to give herself unconditionally, the success of porn comes from giving men all over the world the illusion that the women love them and are willing to do what ever it takes to fill his needs. There are no conditions, anger, arguing, accusations, harassment belittling. Etc.

As the above reader stated… Just like a man in love wants to make his woman happy and fulfilled...a woman wants to do the same thing. Or at least the woman should want the same thing. If the woman however is so focused on her own wants and needs, it becomes impossible, or at least seem impossible to the man to ever make her happy or fulfilled consequently he will never be happy or fulfilled either. When this happens most men turn to some allturnative or at the very least the relationship becomes estranged.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007):

I've been married for 5 years to a beautiful women, and yes I'm "addicted" to porn. Porn is an addiction and porn is cheating. It is a horrible addiction.

If you ask your husband to stop, he might because you asked him to, but he will still want to. Some men are addicted to alcohol, adrenaline, work, whatever, drugs, food, or porn. It's going to be something.

On a biological level, certain things release endorphines, chemicals in a man's brain, there are certain stimulus that cause more endorphines to be released. For me it's porn and lust. When I'm looking at porn, I can masturbate multiple times, with multiple release, it's totally lust driven. My lust is tapped to my endorphine release. So like a lab monkey given a drug at tapping a lever. I will keep hitting those keys to keep those good feelings to release in my mind.

I have never told my wife, but I'm been masturbating like an animal since I was young. If I'm not doing it, I want to, I need my fix, just like a druggie. When you look at porn, you have to constantly look at more and more porn, different porn, variety, and it gets more intense, the same porn will not do it for you. Ask you husbands if they look at the same pornsite, over and over, yes and no. They constantly look at more and more porn. So when women say they want to try spicing things up, for variety, it wont work, why? because you cant offer the same variety that the porn can offer. teens, asians, blacks, thin, skinny, young, old, fat, legs, feet, boobs, redheads, blondes, brunettes, tall, short, teens, maids, cheerleaders, schoolgirls, animals, anal, get the point? what can you the wife offer? well maybe some outfits, uh maybe some plastic surgery, boob job? No. you can not offer the one thing porn offers.... variety. Sad but true.

I eventually cheated on my wife. I never thought I would, but after all that fantasy and porn, i wanted to take it to the next level. When i was cheating it felt great, but you know what i noticed after i cummed. the exact same feelings as with porn. I felt dirty, and i just wanted to get out of there. Porn is cheating, it's all the same, cheating with another person is just like looking at porn, you just use the women, prostittue, whoever as just a sperm receptacle, and then you leave. After that experience I'm convinced that i need to stop looking at porn, because it's ruining my marriage. Nothing my wife can do can help to reach that level of lust with porn.

So it's been six months since i said i would stop looking at porn, and you know what? i cant quit. i feel so empty without looking at porn and masturbating. during the times i stopped looking (1-2 weeks) i had a memory full of porn that i would imagine as i masturbated.

i dont know what the solution is, i know i nneed to quit but it is an addiction. treat it as one. of course like any other addiction, your husband will deny it's an addiction, i love hearing men's justifications for porn.

i think each couple will have to deal with porn differently. i know for myself, even though i stop, i will want to look at porn or desire for lust for the rest of my life.

Good luck to us all

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007):

wow, that is pushing it. you should give him a taste of his own medicine by doing the same things that he does to you and get even if that doesnt work then put your foot down!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007):

As opposed to most of the opinions here so far, from my personal stand-point. Yes men, not all mind you but most men are visually stimulated and in need of something they desire. Not need, just desire. Quite often they find and can satisfy the need. Whether it be with their mate/lover or whatever. Sometimes it doesn't happen, do to a lovers innability to perform or an unwillingness to let the act be perpetrated on her. Not always a bad thing depending on what her male counterpart wants. But as to why porn is something a (guy) wants to view. It really deals with an inter ego that he wants fullfilled and seems to need to satisfy. Not a bad thing if it's really just that. It usually gets managed by his significant other. Sometimes especially as we age it get's a new start and needs a bit of a booste. But normally it is aswaged. A good majority of men and women like the same kind of porn. The numbers are a bit off, go figure, what woman alive is willing to admit she likes porn as much as a man.....but and it isn't intrinsic. It's just normal, we all want to see something new and fantasize about it. How many times does your wife think of someone else when she's doing the nasty with you......Talk dirty to me? If she's refined, she get's offended and stops you if you do talk nasty to her, yet you make love the next night or even in the morning.........Why would she do that if she was that offended.........You know why......your not the only one.......Mostly from the ppl I've talked to, It's a matter of comparison. Most guy's compare the porn. Not making sence? Well, they have a wife/g/f or just someone they want. They tend to look up porn to see similar women who are doing things they want or are doing. Little or lots of ego involved. But most guys will take pictures of himself and his lover and as long as she takes them with him will never go out looking for more porn.

I'm still working on an answer for that particular thing.....so please give me a bit of time.......till then I hope you have a fullfilling sex life with your partner, if not ...........You need to find someone who will make your life jump......

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006):

I am in a relationship of 20 years. We met at highschool and we are only 37years old. A few years ago I discovered that my partner was using pornography. I was absolutely devasted. I honestly thought that he was different even after 19years. He made me feel like I was the only one he wanted and that he didnt need to stare at other women when we were out or certainly need to use porn as an alternative to real sex. The thing is I worked hard to keep the spice in our relationship.We have 3 children and I had hardly lost the shape of my body. I was very fortunate.I would always dress up for him and tease him often.we'd watch porn together sometimes. Id give him sex, even when I didnt feel like it. The sex was always for his satisfaction only, he never tried to help satisfy me properly. When I hit him up about using the porn he flatly denied it. It was then I started to become obsessed by trying to catch him out when using it. Id set up the porn tapes in certain positions and know if they had been moved or used.It didnt matter how many times I hit him up about using it he would alwsays deny it.I was just so hurt to discover that he had this other side of his life.We attended swingers parties every so often and it didnt bother me when he was with another woman. We had 3somes as well. 2 girls and him. This is why I cant understand why he would need to use the porn. I beleive he was addicted to it as I kept catching him out and it didnt seem to matter how much I told him it hurt he kept on doing it. I once found him masturbating one night over an actress on a dvd movie that we hired that night. He went down to the lounge and masturbated over this actress. Again,,,I was devastated. Why wouldnt he just have sex with me? Why didnt he masturbate over the pics I took of myself instead of all the magazines he used?His excuse was he forgot he had the pics of me. That made me feel just great! He told me once, after I asked him, that he thought of having sex with the women he saw on the porn videos. It was horrible. We separated for awhile as I couldnt handle all the lies,continuous use of the porn and the hurt that kept continuing. But he still used the porn even after we separated. We have since reunited but our relationship is certainly not what it used to be and I refuse to dress up in lingerie or tease him anymore.Sometimes it just doesnt matter how good you are or what you do to keep that spark in your sex life they continue doing it, I felt I was never good enough and even if I looked gorgeous it didnt stop him from fantasizing about other women. 5 years later and i still battle with what he did. It jst makes you think about what other things he does. Its a horrible cloud to be hanging over your head all the time. Does anyone else feel the same?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006):

Why do married man look at porn?

For the same reason single men look at porn: because is there and because we can... particularly now with the internet around.

Is it wrong? -It depends on each person's perception of the matter. But most likely, it is...let's face it, porn is a pretty nasty business, which gives it taboo status and therefore, makes it quite appealing.

Men look at porn because they enjoy it, plain and simple. It is fun, entertaining and hot to look at people having sex and for straight men, to look at naked woman who are in the prime of their fertility. There is no mistery.

Does it degrade and objectify woman? -You bet.

Are most woman who engage in it pretty messed up? -You bet.

If men did not consume it, porn wouldn't exist as the nasty degrading monster it is? -You bet.

Is it still fun, entertaining and hot? -You bet.

Do we feel bad, guilty, etc about it? -You bet.

The fact that porn is such a shady and degrating deal should make it repulsive or at least uninteresting, and yet, for tons of men, if not most, it is quite hard to resist. One more human contradiction.

I don't know if the vast majority of men who look at porn are thinking things like "i wish my wife/girlfriend had an ass like that one" while they stare at the screen, but they probably are, at least sometimes.

However I am sure many times, for many men, the next thought is "well, my girlfriend/wife's ass has its charms as well...can't wait to say hello to it".

Many times, porn is not that different from a video game: lots of thrilling visual stimulation but is all fantasy.

Do women ever fantasize about sex? -My money is on "yes".

Are women's fantasies different? -Probably most of the time.

Does that make women better/superior than men? -Perhaps.

So if your boyfriend/husband looks at porn with moderate frequency, and you both are still intimate and having fun in the sack, IMO the porn thing doesn't represent a threat to you. Whether or not it is wrong, unacceptable, cheeting, etc, is for you to decide.

However, if your significant other is not interested in being intimate with you, and/or complains about your looks, and/or watches or owns a lot of porn, it seems to me that there are issues in the relationship. While porn may be the cause, I would say that 7 times out of 10 it is not the cause but a manifestation.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006):

Thing is men know we dont like it so of course they are never going to be staight up about it... I have always been very open with my man, to the same point as the last poster, pics poses, videos and some very naughty stuff, and he used that for a while but later on it ends up the same, they want variety apparently and a quick fix. Thing i dont get is why ?? I mean I can masturbate without the need for a pic of naked men, so why do they need one ? what is it that makes them think its okay to do as they are no hurting anyone as they are not cheating! My man is the same, looks at porn whenever i am not here, only this time around we are not having sex either, no matter how inviting i am, no matter what i do, hes just not intersted or busy!! So why do men actually choose a screen over a real life sexy naked body that will rock thier boat the right way ? It does not make any sense to me, im always ready for sex with my man, but he couldnt care less, so what the hell is up with them ? And from experience, it is a very rare man that does not look at porn, very rare indeed, most that say they dont really do, they just aint gonna fess up.. yes my man admits it, but it dont make it right!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006):

I came across this forum after a debate with my boyfriend last night. I have had 3 serious relationships in my life and its safe to say that those relationships made me who i am. I have a two year old little boy and the father had cheated on me which eventually ended our relationship. I have always been open in every relationship ive been in. I'm an extremely over obsessive when it comes to my apperance. I'm a model, so i can at least say I'm definately no dog. However as almost every mother knows i have imperfections from pregnancy. I started dating a guy 5 months ago and had gotten close so fast. We are totally in love with each other. I made bets with previous boyfriends and never had a problem . . . these bets were completely execptable by my old boyfriends they were actually happy and excited i brought such a thing up. . . my thing was if they ever felt i wasnt giving them what they needed they would tell me. . . i want to know. . . i would do what ever i could to avoid any situation of porn watching or anything else. . . I took photots daily if not weekly of myself just for them. . . since im a photographer i loved doing this. . . and of course seeing their reactions was always nice. . . so i told my new boyfriend from the start about how anti porn i was and he agreed with me that he would only look at the photos i gave him. . . i thought for any guy this would be a pretty sweet deal. but i went on his computer last night i guess u could say snooping but more so curious if i could trust him or not. . . and of course what did i find. . . . porn. . . is it strange that my heart broke? i felt stepped on. . . and lied to. . . is that strange. . . i just want to know what goes through a guys head when sitting there typing in "sexy celebrity" or so on. . . do ur girlfriends go through ur head at all? do u feel guilty? what if u found ur girlfriend looking at other really hot naked men? would u feel the same or would u just play it cool and say it wouldnt bother u.? What more do men want from women? besides the fact that we already have to be the perfect woman to get any of ur attention. . . as i sit here and think what guys would be dying for me or my photos i dont want to move on from my new boyfriend but i'm not going to change im a huge feminist and totally have my own opinions. . . i want to make sure im not the only one so dead strong about this subject. ... anybodys help would be appreciated. . .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2006):

Hi Martini, Ms anti porn here...it was really funny cause I hadnt checked in for weeks and today decided to have a peep at this forum to see if anyone else had added their comments...

Yes I agree I am VERY anti porn but I also think that the way you have thought out and pondered another side of this issue is sooo great...Im not saying that we agree cause clearly we dont completely but hey thats fine,,, I have always felt that the vast majority of porn including hustler and the like are bad, mainly because I studies gender issues at university where I was exposed to stats abou the really high rate of these actresses who were sexually abused as kids. (somthing like 96percent) so I never felt like they were in emotonal space to make healthy decsions for themselves. (i mean what self respecting woman would do that right) I couldnt (and still cant get past the fact) that some people will ignore these stats for their own sexual pleasure....I guess that was my political arguement against it...

Then last year I was hit a little more closely to home when my husband of 12 years was found to have been using porn after becoming increasingly critical of my appearance. It wasnt things that could be really easily changed. He began complaining that my breasts wernt as perky as a 20yr old porn women and I had stretch marks (Ive had 4 kids) We ended up in counseling...and now Im considering leaving. Not only was I hurt by hisd comments but also because he knew my feelings on this issues from the beginning.

Anyway I hope that helps you understand a little why I feel so strongly on this subject even if we dont completely agree.

Once again I think its great that you are clearly such a reflective person.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2006):

Actually, I gave it some further thought over the last few weeks. I'll comment about this subject in an objective PoV...

It makes sense that a guy shouldn't 'need' to look at porn if he is with someone. That someone should complete him, or at the very least, compliment him and vice versa. Unfortunately, many relationships on this planet aren't 'perfect'. That's what makes us all human - with these swirling emotions of passion, desire, yearning, temptations, and such.

Aside from the points that Ms. Anti-Porn made about the degradation of women in porn, I think being single and watching porn is fine. I still support tasteful porn - eg: Playboy, Hustler, 88 Square, etc. Being in an intimate relationship - if both partners accept it and benefit from it one way or another on a mutual basis, then that is whatever they accept as partners. That's good too.

However, if a man or a woman is already in a relationship, then possibly, for whatever reason, maybe it's not too considerate for a guy to look at porn in the first place, even if she accepts it. Unless of course, there is some form of further encouragement, as I know some females and males do that.

In principle, I think it *can* be wrong for a guy to look at porn while in a deeper relationship, but I wouldn't say it's absolutely right to say a guy cheats because he looks at porn. I think this still depends on how he uses that porn. Just as an alcoholic would use booze to fill up his life, a porn addict would look at porn to fill up his. I think rather for him or her to drink his/her life away or abuse his/her partner's emotions (depending) continuously, maybe s/he should work on trying improve on the relationship instead. If not, break-up. S/he can either find someone better, or maybe that may teach you to be a better lover if given the chance to be better in the future.

I understand why men and women look at porn during a relationship, but I guess it's inexcusable to do so. As with most of my suggestions for other topics, I advise you all to keep an open communication with your loved ones. If you feel your love is waivering, maybe you need to sit down - just the two of you and talk things through. Maybe even brainstorm some ideas to make the relationship work. If things are difficult, you can always go to friends and family, and even here at DearCupid.org.

If things really don't work out, it's time to save each other further heart-breaks and just call it all off. If you have children to think about, maybe you should all stop whatever family-destroying issues and work on the good of the family. Our children mainly follow by example. Give them something look up to, rather than sit on your asses and play video games, jerk off to porn, and eat snacks and drink booze in front of the small screen. If you're a dad or a mom, take your children outside, show them what life and the world is about. Show them the choices they may face and have.

[ponders]

What do you all think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006):

Could a male reply to this please::

Few curious questions?

= Does man looks at porn because he is bored/he doesnt find his wife/gf interested anymore?

= WHat do you think when you are watching porn? ( Things like nice boobs, good ass, I want her, I would exchange her for my wife, what? Do men think while they watch porn?)

= Does it happen, if you have sex with your wife/gf afterwards the porn/or any other time that you are thinking about those women you have seen on tv/pc/... and not your woman??

Please re. Thank you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006):

I am so confused. I went to work today and when I came back I found my BF of 5 years watching porn. Again. I had a long discussions with him how much it upsets me before, and he said he understood. I did not used to hate porn. BUt since he has cheated, I kind of became too " moralised". I used to like watching porn, but now it just gives me headache, mostly as I am thinking what is he thinking when he is watching all those good looking women. And if he fantasizes about them afterwards when he has sex with me...? I know its my insecurity, but then, its thanks to his cheating. I get quite a lot of attention from men when I go out. Meaning I cant be so horrible and unsexy..... But why he still needs porn??

A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

In looking at porn, particularly following the productions of a single porn actress, he manages to feel a hint of the excitement that he has lost, while not having to give up the emotional intimacy and devotion he has for his original partner.

WHat about us women? TO be honest, he doesnt excite me anymore too. And I was honest about it, I had a discussion with him, I can understand that after 5 years, lets face it,you get bored from both sides. BUt I came up with ideas, (toys, costumes, anything to enjoy ). But he doesnt seem to care, he just likes his 10 minutes, which I find incredibley boring, because I need longer stimulation, then he turns and sleep. WHats the point? And when I asked him about his ideas, just says he doesnt have any..... SO as far as I can see it, the only idea he has is too watch and hide porn while I am not there.

As I had a proper look around and found quite a big stash of it in a dark dingy cubboard. Plus another thing - what is now going to drive me crazy - I am white, my bf black. All the porn was black. Another thing to think about....... I think its time to be single again, to sort my head out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006):

Agreed that womans mags are also totally sexist and contribute to the degradation of women. Porn is the extreme example of this media. You may not see that the actresses looked forced and forced is not really the right word. They are (99percent at least from the stats) coming from a place where they are not making healthy decisions either dues to drug problems or past childhood sexual abuse... Quite simply you are saying you are happy to watch these poor souls doing porn and you dont really care enough to consider what led them to make this decsion??? Sure there may b the odd porn star from a dysfunctional family whos happy enugh to sit down and watch herself suking d... with her grandma but most would not.....theres a reason for this .. Do you really think any woman who was healthy , well adjusted and mentally sound would make the decsion to have three men penetrate her on a video....Comeon, you are being ignorant of the reality of HOW these women get there and the effects on all women simply because it serves you sexual purposes. A man with a humanitarian bone in his body would look closer and realsie that there are deeper issues here and a real man would step up to the plate and play a role by nt participating in and supporting this industry. But hey I forgot humanitarian is a dirty word to you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006):

Geez, that's what I was talking about! Ms. Anon Anti-Porn Humanitarian speaks that all porn is this and that, and that is degenerates women as a whole. Well, her ideals do not represent women as a whole. Her ideals represent men and women who do not like porn.

Looking at the ads in the fashion collection from Vogue Vanity IS degrading women. Ms. Anon Anti-Porn Humanitarian is possibly against all porn, but where as I look at porn I don't like the ones where women are forced to give head, eat cum, and look like they're choking and being man-handled and knocked around. Then again, I guess it doesn't matter - Ms. Anon Anti-Porn Humanitarian will see things in black and white. Reminds me of Hitler - if u'r not white, not straight, and physically and mentally an abomination of everything he believed in, then you're the enemy.

Enough.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (14 September 2006):

Yos agony auntMartini you make some good points.

The hypocracy of society on this issue is mindblowing.

For example, here is a recent photoshot from a well known WOMANS magazine that is in my opinion more offensive than the majority of porn...

http://www.voguevanity.it/cont/010fas/photo/default.asp

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006):

Anyway, generalization of Ms. Anti-Porn Humanitarian. Contrary to your biased and limited views of me, I did read everything you said, as well as everything that every other anti-porn humanitarian has said here on DearCupid.org.

The 'equality' you speak of is something I would love to see happen. Then there are factors here people as a whole will need to do - eg: stop wearing make-up, stop buying clothes that make yourself look better, stop dying your hair - in fact, cut all your hair the same as everyone else, jewelry should be banned, anything that improves a person asthetically should be banned - anything that promotes sexuality should be banned - possibly even burned. Mao and his revolution comes to mind for some reason.

Books on romance, with tasteful nudes, or nudity at all should be banned and burned. Everything that promotes sexiness - in people or in objects should be banned. Bikinis, lingerie, thongs, high heels, bathing suits, etc should all be banned. Long rise jeans, dockers, button-up polo shirts, exercise gyms, all forms of sports that reveal men and women as sweaty people should be banned.

I imagine gray, dull, a world with controlled emotions... Oh wait, Equilibrium (the movie) was like that. Excellent movie by the way. Christian Bale as I said in another thread was great.

Anyway... To answer to latest Mr. Anon's post - I don't think defending porn is either wrong or right. It's an objective perspective, depends on the people. A humanitarian such as Ms. Anti-Porn anon below will utterly try to execute a smack down on people like me and say I am this and that based on whatever limited knowledge of me - somehow I fit the one-in-all for her... [sigh] I am annoyed by Mormons come knocking on my door, not that she is one. Then there are those who are the pro-porn - eg: the ones actually doing porn - the models, directors, producers, etc. Then of course, everyone in between, on the spectrum - gradually fading from F**k NO to HELL YEAH.

It's like the argument about capital punishment. Some will say no one else has the right to take a person's life, then there are those who say if we don't put this person down, then the rest of society will blah blah blah.

[sigh]

There will always be people against your views, and go with your views. Just like the debate of religion, politics, justice, and other humanitarian things - the point is, there is no point in debating. Ms. Anti-Porn Anon will continue to have her views on everything that she doesn't believe in, and I will have my views, etc, etc, etc.

I still see gray, dull, bland... Equilibrium! [wink]

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006):

The original article was a quest for insight as to why married men look at porn. While I think it is wrong to defend porn, the original question was not asking for a defense but an explanation of it. It is still worth answering.

Ladies, some of you in your righteous indignation are missing an opportunity to understand what is really going on. Male readers may find that your moral outrage comes rather cheaply, since females do not struggle with visual-erotic temptations to the same degree that men clearly do. It's conveniently easy to judge the fallen soldiers when you aren't on the same battlefield. I recognize that females have your own battles; but my point is they are different, and that difference needs to be acknowledged and understood. Otherwise, all we get is heat and no light on the topic.

One female respondent below uses the term "filthy perve" in reference to potential male readers of this site. That kind of talk plays right into the porn beast's trap. Here's why.

Porn offers the illusion that the female models desire sex to the same degree and in the same manner that males do. Porn communicates an enthusiastic acceptance of male sexuality. But when women object to it in exaggerated terms, it tends to sound like a rejection of male sexuality as a whole. From this, men get the message that women find male interest in sex distasteful. So the only place they're likely to find acceptance and understanding for their sexuality--false though it is--is porn sites and strip clubs.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

To the lad below who is saving to leave her bf...sorry hun I just read your post as i have been debating with mr ridiculous. Anyway, sweetie, bear in mind this has nothing to do with you NOTHING..he is using porn because of his own issues....probably relating to fear of intimacy with women and a deep rooted hatred of everyday 'normal women (like MR rid who is clearly angry he couldnt give his woman what she wanted)

Save your pennies darlin, but dont give up on men, believe me there are some good ones out there who know that porn is disrespectful to us, who have resect for us and themselves. Its just that us women need to be real picky and suss them out. When you meet new guys just gently find out what his attitude to porn is...you will see...is he the type to scope women while your out, to refer to women in terms of body parts (ie nice rack) or does he have a deep seated respect for women as his equal on all levels. (if so he wouldnt touch porn with a ten foot pole) When he comes along you will believe agin that not all men are porn viewing emotional cripples. Good luck sweety

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

his one....

http://hugoboy.typepad.com/hugo_schwyzer/2006/05/normally_at_thi.html

honestly I know you will probably never take the time to read any of the reasons porn is so denigrating to women but my point is that there are SOOOOO many reasons is guys like you would put their willys away and start thinking about womens true value and worth (hint...its not in the way they are presented in porn mags) Porn lies to you it makes a fool of YOU and it creates beliefs in YOU that will ultimately make it VERY difficult for you to have true intimacy with any woman.....deep down I believe you know what your doing is wrong but you arnt ready to give it up...good luck in your quest...because one day, like it or not its gonna come back and bite you in the ass.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

It really is sad that you think this is about you...when its not ...its about every womans right to be treated with respect.....and as far as staying anomymous...of course, do you really think I want some filklthy perve whos probably been whacking off to porn emailing me???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

By the way Im not at all religious nor have I been dumped because of porn just a humanistarian who believes in equality...something you obviously dont. I suppose a little porn man like you would have no concept that women could have legitimate reasons for objecting to your crap...go back to your rubber dolly and porn mags after allit sounds like its 'just you and your hand tonight.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

or this one.

http://www.porndestroyswomen.org/index.html#1

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

Ah I see, so you've been hurt by some guy who chose porn over you. And actually, I do have video and photographic porn of my gf then. The porn we watched together was indeed very inspirational and motivational for our own porn making. Indeed, if she was really freakishly against porn as you are, then she would have expressed a discomfort rather than being willing to undress and shove a vibrating egg into her vagina, while I pour lube on her naked body and film every thing she did to herself and to me from then onwards.

It feels like I am about to dive into a debate with a religious person again. Is there a reason why you keep your alias anonymous? Fear to be flame-bombarded by unintelligent, disrespectful, and don't forget, porn-justifying guys like me?

Degeneration of women you say? In which part? If I said all religion is negative poison, would that be wholely true? No, it wouldn't. Some aspects of religion is bad, just as some aspects of porn is bad.

Seeing some woman being hammered by a giant cock, while being sprayed by a guy's cum and then forced to eat it can be degrading of course. Seeing some woman in a steamy shower scene, while some guy does her from behind, kissing her neck, massaging her shoulders is something mutually beneficial to viewers of both sexes. Seeing some girl being chained to a ceiling fan while being whipped, or seeing a guy being dressed up in a gimp suit being dominated by a dominatrix can be seen as degrading, but there are a lot of people out there in flocks that like that sort of thing - couples, groups, singles, etc. I'm not into that sort of thing.

You said "lame excuse" because she was tired, etc. Obviously, since you are so damn-it-to-lun heated in your debate against all porn of the world, then nothing anyone will say can 'prove' otherwise.

As said in another thread, with another agony aunt, if my gf was really that uncomfortable, she would have said something. I would have stopped. Sure, why not?

As for my then gf not being my current gf, it had nothing to do with porn, and since you are so keen on attacking me with anti-porn, I'll tell you that it had to do with the fact that she wanted someone who made a lot of money, who didn't have family obligations, who can make her laugh all the time, who can go travel on a whim without consequences, who devoted his all to her, and would have all her friends tell her that she and him look good together, etc, etc, etc.

So I guess, my supposed unintelligence, degrading women-drooling, lame-excuses for a man who disposed my then gf, non-spiritual, very excessively disrespect for women is apparent in the aspect that I look at porn?

[stands up for you and claps with second pauses]

Fantastic. Someone please, shoot me now, before this erm, uh, 'debate' continues. Wasn't there something similar somewhere recently? At least in the debate of religion, there aren't any rights and wrongs, but this is just damn ridiculous.

- signed by Mr. Ridiculous

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

Try educating yourselves...those who think porn is harmless fun.

http://www.xyonline.net/Goff_Porn_debate.shtml

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

I found out my bf has been looking at porn for about 1 year now, and i dont understand what i did wrong to deserve that. I consider it cheating, yet he says he doesnt look at it.

Our sex life is not boring there always something new we try toys, different locations, postions, yet he still looks at it behind my back, i have put it down to that i must be really ugly. so for the last 12months iv been starving myself, saving my money to go in for plastic surgery, going to the gym every single day.

24/7 i am always thinking how much i hate myself and i must be a relly boring and ugly person, i get maybe 3 to 5 hours of sleep a night because im awake thinking how i can he do that to me and lie about it.

oh and don't think looking at porn does not leed men to start getting a wondering eye and seeing other women behind your back, trust me i know first hand what porn does, it turns men into liars and it distorys familys.

I am saving my money and im planing to leave my bf soon once i get enough money im outta there, I know i deserve someone better then that, someone who can respect me and women in general, men who view porn have no respect for women.

From this bad exprence i have had with this liar I don;t ever plan to go into another relationship, i dont care if i turn out alone for the rest of my life or have no children, as i dont want children, why you ask? because i dont want to bring a human into this world where perfection and looks is all that matters.

so ladies if you want to be happy again, i suggest you all leave your cheating partners, and buy a viabrator,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

to the anomymous male writer who says he 'doesnt see what the big deal is with porn' Of course you wouldnt.....your not a woman who lives in a world where we are constantly told that how we look is inadequate, that a womens only worth is in her body and it must look a certain way, a world where the rape of women and girls occurs by the SECOND, a world where men feel that our gift of sharingf our naked bodies with them means sooooo little that they will just go a get a hard on over some aked woman they never met...

Wake up, porn is an abuse towards women and any man who participates in it is constributing to the problems that face women daily...he is part of the reason women cant walk down the street ithout being ogled by filthy council workers. he is part of the reason mothers have to cover their childrens eyes when they walk into a newsagency where naked women (or mostly naked) cover the wallls. he is part of the reason that teenage girls are dying from anorexia in an effort to look beautiful. he is part of the reason women are mum has to explain to her kids that dad just ran off with a 20yr old cause she fitted the media image closer than the wife who gave life to his children. he is part of the reason pimps are making profit from exploiting young women who have troubled backgrounds and perhaps even drug problems.....

IF YOU SEE NO PROBLEM WITH PORN THEN QUITE SIMPLY YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

You have attempted to justify it with saying you didnt want to wake your gf , or she didnt feel well etc (pretty lame really) how do you justify the part you play in tyhe denegration of ALL women by supporting this industry. How do you look your mother, sister, best female friend, co workers in the eyes after looking at porn (an industry that says women are nothing but body parts) I m sorry but I fail to see how you could possibly hae ANY respect for women at all if you think this is ok.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

you may have felt totally attracted to your partner so then why do you need to look at other naked women???? Surely you could take photos or imagine your gf naked to masterbate.YOU DO NOT NEED PORN TO WACK OFF..

If you were getting a hard on and wanking over the porn then I would call this 'drooling'Interestingly, where is your gf now???? Perhaps with a guy who has no need to look at an other womens body but hers....???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

I truly and utterly disagree with the anon female poster below. When I was with my gf, I adored every part of her. When she said, "If there is one thing I would like to improve on, it would be my breasts" - I frowned, went behind her, and massaged her beautiful small and round boobies and said, "I love them the way I love you. Please never make them bigger."

Objectively, she wasn't the most gorgeous girl in the world, but biasedly, I felt that all that was important was how she thought of herself and how I connected with her physically and emotionally. I always told her, "I really love that little cleft on your upper lip" then proceeded to pat her lip and kiss her. She knew I found her to be very attractive - she had that specific look I really like. Especially, when she wore the kitty hat, the raver bitch one-piece skirt/top, and her 3 inch heel boots... YUM!

Anyway, I look at porn. I never hid it from her Mind you, I never masturbated to porn in front of her. In fact, I did it less as our relationship got stronger and deeper, and did it more when things went worse. Times I do it when things were still good between us was when she's asleep and too tired to have sex. I wouldn't want to wake her up, especially when she's had a hard day at work, or if we had a dozen times of sex the morning before, or when she was sore, or having a massive period and feeling moody, or when she was sick. I was there to take care of her, and year I do have a super massive sex drive, so what am I going to do? Relief myself.

At the very least, my then gf accepted it. It wasn't like I drooled over porn, or put it before her in any way. [sigh]

How ignorant minds are when it comes to these sort of things eh?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006):

porn is mens way of saying we are better than women,we can view them as nothing but body parts, we can subliminely tell our wives and girlfirends that their bodies are not good enough, that they are not sexy or sexual enough, it makes men feel powerful...but why would they do this you ask...the truth is men are inferior to women in all ways, emotionally, physically and spiritually, they know this on a deep level but the only way they make themselves feel better is to have this perverse and patheitic thing called porn to build themselves up....we should pity men (unfortunately some women buy into their crap and actually fail to see the reality of porn and what it says about their gender....we should feel sorry for these women too

only a truley siritually evolved amn would find no excitment in porn...and the absolute abundance of the crap shows just how few and far between these guys are.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006):

Of all the replies, the very first one speaks to me. It does not condone looking at pornography, but at the same time lays down some very deep insights about why men turn to porn. Ladies you may or may not despise the fact that men look at porn, but please understand that alot of times your own attitudes are unhelpful for tackling the problem. Let me give you an example: when my wife wants me to do something, like cut my hair (yes I'm slovenly :)), she says I won't get sex until I do the deed. Turning sex into a carrot (even when done half-jokingly) tells me something: she does not want sex as much as I do and therefore in order for sex to happen I have to compensate with some small favor. I mean, cutting my hair is really not such a big deal; I just feel lousy at being reminded that I'm the nuisance part of the marriage who has to be fed some sex now and then to be kept happy, and then only if I have been a "good boy". How emasculating is that? Ladies, do not think that only you are capable of being sensitive and having feelings; we men have feelings too and even though we may often times be too proud to admit it we can be hurt as well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006):

Part of what men like most about sex is its visual aspect. I'm sure at least some married men would be just as happy watching quality home video of their own marital adventures as watching actors/actresses doing it. Notice that many men look at depictions of people having sex. They're not so much looking at women (and certainly not men!), they're looking at sex.

But men do look at nude women, too. In that case, what they're looking for in the model is a look or a pose that confirms their deepest hope that a woman wants sex as much as they do. The real world causes men to doubt this is really true, so porn provides wish-fulfillment in that area.

Women sometimes give off the vibe that sex is a chore, or that they must be vigilant in limiting its frequency and/or the range of permissable activities. Women are the gatekeepers. Married men are apt to speak in terms of "getting lucky". Sex happens by luck, chance, or fortune, i.e., it's mostly out of their control. By contrast, porn puts sex within their grasp.

Men like looking at porn not necessarily because the women are more attractive than their wives, but because porn women present themselves as women who like sex. Men long for a woman who like sex. This is the fantasy that is played out in porn.

Porn is a false avenue to having that desire fulfilled. Inevitably, men feel less worthy, less wanted and less desirable after viewing porn. They've just spent, say, the last 2 hours looking at pictures of women who were paid to pretend to want them, which only proves how unwanted and unimportant they know themselves to be.

Wives, don't put up with it. On the other hand, you'll only feed the porn beast by reacting prudishly to it. You'll only reinforce the notion that the porn women, unlike you, are the only ones who "get" what he's into. And, you totally miss the point when you think his habit is due to your being unattractive to him. That's your own insecurity; it's not his real issue at all. His issue is feeling empowered, important, honored, desired. There may be a hole in him so big that nothing you can do can fill it. Get him into counseling. Then lift the man up and enable him to be the man he wishes he was. But also watch him like a hawk. In that context, he'll know your vigilance isn't female prudishness but rather that you're into him enough to fight for him.

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (2 September 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntAriel is right on with her post. Start talking to your husband NOW about what he thinks is missing in his life so that you can save your marriage.

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A female reader, soontobesingle +, writes (2 September 2006):

What if the porn interest is then followed by escort service interest? What about looking at escort sites, and girls in your own area code?

One thing seems to lead to another...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006):

To the writer who says quote '

Why are so many women so upset about there husband looking at porn or masturbating? here is my perspective as a woman. BIG DEAL! It's not having an affair. Its visual fantasy. The more you shame him the further you will become, and the more insecure you will both feel. Why don't you do some thing to spice up your love life with out mentioning the web to him'

ARE YOU CRAZY WOMAN????? why the hell should women not think its a big deal that therir partner contributes to the denegration of women whilst also disrespecting them..You have a lot to learn about feminism...and guess what its not a dirty word...it simply means women being traeted as mens equals and guess what porn completely contracdicts this....If porn is ok are you fine wh=ith your man looking at naked pictures of your adult daughter should she decide to have a career in porn..(seeing as you think its fine) how about mas....to them....To me this is SICK SICK SICK....all of those women are SOMEONES DAUGHTER and although you can justify it by saying they voluntarily do it...this is a crock ...the majority of these women do not have the same life experiences and choices as middle aged white men who wank over them/......honestly if its so ok....do you borrow grannys porn then??? and if not...Why?????

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (1 September 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntThe porn issue is a proxy for a more fundamental problem in your marriage. You and/or your husband need to acknowledge the root cause for this problem.

You and your husband really need to talk about this issue honestly and openly. I assume that since you are here you haven't had a satisfactory discussion with your husband about his behaviour (and your responses) and the effect it is having on your self-esteem.

I think you are troubled because he is not responding positively to your attempts to turn him on sexually, and you may fear that he has lost interest in you. His porn habit may further validate your fears.

If you don't express your fears to him you will never really know what is on his mind. And this will leave you guessing (still) at how to turn him on to you.

I recommend as a starting point that you reveal your fears to him and articulate how his behaviour is adding to those fears. Good luck and take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2006):

That is just it. It is not an "activity" consider wholesome and where two people are growing together. That's the complaint.

It is also the complaint that they are not good enough and men can not control themselves...they let their sexual appetites dictate how to govern themselves.

If a man could turn to them for a hand job instead of masterbating...would the woman be offended? Feel she was being ignored?

Just like a man in love wants to make his woman happy and fulfilled...a woman wants to do the same thing.

There would be no complaints if the man could turn to his woman for his needs; even his sexual ones.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2006):

Why are so many women so upset about there husband looking at porn or masturbating? here is my perspective as a woman. BIG DEAL! It's not having an affair. Its visual fantasy. The more you shame him the further you will become, and the more insecure you will both feel. Why don't you do some thing to spice up your love life with out mentioning the web to him. Why not get some ideas together. Oh even better watch a few episodes of "Talk Sex" with Sue Johanson? http://www.talksexwithsue.com/sexindex.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006):

Porn.

It was once a taboo vice. Now thanks to media that use it to promote music, magazines, clothes, make-up/pefumes, pampers...it has become mainstream and has lulled America into "believing" it is "acceptable".

Pornography has taught many young men and young women new standards of what sex is about and I say, isn't healthy.

What of the many teenage boys who videotape themselves having sex with unconcious females? Healthy? Normal? Acceptable?

What of the many men who surf and collect child pornography? Healthy? Normal? Acceptable?

What of the many young teenaged girls who now display themselves openly to countless strangers; who web cam themselves naked, who email naked pictures of themselves? Healthy? Normal? Acceptable?

What of the many men who expect their girlfriends/wives to look and behave, in bed and out, like a porn star? Healthy? Normal? Acceptable?

What of the men/women who surf the net for porn and befriending people/couples to meet up for sex? Healthy? Normal? Acceptable?

What of images and video of men and women having sex with different animals? Healthy? Normal? Acceptable?

That whole mentality of men who lament over not being able to or haven't had and will not have the many oppurtunities to see EVERY naked woman is an unhealthy view. There I said it.

What are the chances that the paid actresses actually enjoy rough/aggresive sex? Compare this to the average housewive or college girl. What are the real odds?

Pornography does not take into account the reality of real, living, breathing women and their sexual needs.

Pornography distorts and is addictive.

Not all men or women can differenciate between that blurred line of reality vs. fantasy.

This is where most unhappiness in partners spring from.

How many men give testimony that "straight sex" between a man and female can no longer satisfy their porn viewing. They have testified that they become immune to it. With this high immunity comes the loss of the mystery of sex.

Men who become so engrossed in the pornography world have shown, in studies, to experience less sexual arousal and intrests in the same materials over a passage of time.

At first porn can thrill and captivate, excite a man but then it will take more porn and more various "mediums" of porn to please and satisfy a man. Over dosing on porn has lead to many men become bored with sex.

Read a book by Pamela Paul titled "Pornified~How Pornography is Transforming our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006):

Hi Darl, im the same poster who asked you why you thought it was ever ok...

you answered me by saying...quote 'because i am comfortable enough with myself to allow it.'

Sweetheart, yes women are told by society that they are secure if they allow this but the real truth is it signals insecurity...secure confident women stand up and say NO I expect more.....

Please dont be offended as there is no offense intended but porn is SO TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU and all women.. You share your body with him and then his dis's you by looking elsewhere.

In answer to your question, IM not a guy but I have to say, yes I would be worried he's obviously looking at other women for some reason, why is he not satisfied with the enjoyment he gets from looking at his partners body??? Its not you but he clearly craves something more than what he has hnce the porn, (whether its one woman or 1000. if he were truely totally content the mere thought of looking at other naked women wouldnt even enter his mind.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (30 August 2006):

Yos agony auntThe division between him looking at porn from one specific girl, and porn in general, is artificial. It exists in your mind as a big difference, but I suspect very few other people see it as significant. It sounds like your husband doesn't, or if he does, it may just be to placate you.

Sure, some men like specific porn stars. But that's the same as liking specific movie stars or celebrities: it's just fantasy. None of these people are available. None of them are a direct threat.

Things may be a bit clearer if you can understand that the divide you are making is particular to you. Your husband probably feels that his behaviour hasn't changed, and he's wondering why you are suddenly upset.

You need to ask yourself what has really changed, and why you are so upset. The different web site is in reality a very small difference from what he was doing before.

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A male reader, Kimia +, writes (30 August 2006):

I guess you should shuffle through your past to see where you have taken the wrong step. Maybe letting him to get used to the 'strip clubs, magazines, movies and surfing the net' has made him 'cheeky' enough to turn the whole thing into an unquenchable pleasure seeking advanture. I think, however, it is going to be beyond a 'simple habit'. Try to talk him out of it. Show him in clear words and gestures your disatisfaction and unhappiness with his pursuent of on-line sexual gratification. By the way, You don't have to go through this all to the end: change him or make him leave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

anonymous female. i said it was okay with the above listed things because i am comfortable enough with myself to allow it. it's that he chose one specific girl to look at. it's too personal. just wanted a honest males view and all i'm getting is what people think i want to hear. should i be worried about my husband straying or does he just crave a new view?

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A female reader, bonnismiles +, writes (30 August 2006):

bonnismiles agony aunthi hen see half the things half thesemen have wrote henporn aint right its a discrace to women i would be here if it was me doll trust me anyway why do they need porn when they can have the real thing i say doll tell him to stop and that you dont like it maybe he understand take care hope everything goes well xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006):

sweetie, why did you EVER feel that it was ok to say yes to strip clubs and porn in the first place....

You need to hold your head high., have self esteem and say NO, you have made a commitment to me forsaking all other women....and I deserve4 the respect you give by living true to that commitment. DSont sell yourself short by thinking you need to have this in your life. Surely the bopdy and love of his partner is enough to satisfy him and if so he has NO excuse for looking elsewhere.

As someone else said on this sight...why would any woman want to be with a man who gets off to other naked women????He is disrespecting her and she is disrespecting herself by permitting her partner to treat her this way...Men are totally capable of being completely faithful physically and mentally...IF THEY CHOOSE TO...

What an insult the reply was that said...

A man does not desire to lose his original lady, he merely wishes to feel the same thrill and passion that he once did, which is something that he can no longer claim with his partner.

If a man gfeels this way then he should take some initiative for adding spice to his relationship and not simply look eleswhere

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

Listen, most of life is about choice.

To say we can not help ourselves just lays open the excuse that we are nothing more than animals and who cares if we kill one another, rape women and children, eat people's bodies, and who cares if the government takes our money from us?

Yes if you let one moral/standard/belief/ethic slide then so do the others.

No. We are held accountable for all we say and do.

That is a very poor sounding explanation; that men do not need to follow a code of ethics/morals???

Men can teach and train themselves to be the best of athletes (as can women) and they can also teach themselves to not let their sexual appetites control themselves.

To say that you lose the thrill and excitement of the attraction and therefore he either seeks it elsewhere or leaves is, in my opinion and belief, pathetic.

Men are far more honorable creatures than that.

We are to overcome the physical demands of the body; we are encouraged to practice self restraint and excercise self control for the sake of others. Especially so when it comes to marriage/common law relations as well for the family.

For the common good of humanity; we have laws to help guide us to a better and happier life.

I still stand by do good and do no harm.

In a relationship; you should feel you are valued and matter. Pornography is destructive and attacks this.

Tell the man how you feel and what you expect. Talk about it and work it out.

Good Luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks for all the advice. i went through the archives and found lots of advice on the same subject. just gotta talk it out and get some closure. he's away on business so i'm curious to see if he says if he kept looking at the site or not. also curious if this was the first time...my battle to fight. thanks again

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (29 August 2006):

Yos agony auntI very much agree with Pete's points here, and don't agree with the first response.

I find it interesting that men will argue with lines like 'this is a condition of our species' when pornography is a new invention. At least accessible pornography. The internet in particular has changed the nature of porn: making infinite quantities of it any type of it accessible whenever it is wanted.

One wonders what men did prior to the 20th century... the million years or so we have been around without access to porn. I've not heard any man argue that men are more faithful now than they were before the invention of porn. The great majority of research points the opposite direction.

My opinion (as a formerly married man who looked at porn) is that married men look at porn because porn is very stimulating. Simple as that. It gets you very turned on, which is very pleasant. The problem is that it also diminishes the appeal of your wife: she just doesn't seem quite so appealing after endless streams of naked 18 year olds have flicked past your eyes. That's the bit men really don't like to admit, and spend a lot of time inventing plausible sounding reasons so they don't have to.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

I don't think we are genetically programmed incapable of being physically monogomous and I don't believe we "need" to satisfy an urge to seek thrill and passion with someone else.

Whether or not your husband looking at other women is right or wrong comes down to your own belief on the matter. Some women would see it as acceptable, others wouldn't.

My own opinion is that if he is paying to see another girl explicitely then he is cheating on you. He is being sexually fulfilled by another women, it's as simple as that. Is it *really* that different from having the same sexual need fulfilled by a prostitute? Where do you draw the line? If you allow him to act out his sexual fantasies over a girl on the Internet then why not let him have a sexual affair with one of his work colleagues - he's only fullfilling his instinctive natural urges afterall. Or maybe not?

As far as I know there is absolutely no evidence to support that men "require" this kind of sexual gratification whilst in a monogamous relationship. I think it is more the case that pornography has been too widely available and accepted in society for a very long time so men can justify their actions by saying it is normal.

Anonymous, like I said, you will find women who accept this, and others who don't. Equally, you're find men like your husband, but also men who would believe it is wrong and would not do it. All people have different ethnical standards that they try to follow in life.

Whether or not you allow this to go on is all down to how you feel towards him doing it. Don't listen to views telling you it is, or isn't right - it's not that simple.

It's whether it's right to you that matters.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you for your response. you do put an unattatched view on it...i guess it was that he choice one woman, not a variety. and he wasn't up front about it. while he was gone on business the internet wasn't working in his room so i was cleaning out his message box for him and i found the confirmation. when i told him what i had found and how it made me feel all he could say was sorry. and now he's changed the password to his account...doesn't help the situation. he isn't very sexual at home and this whole thing is just making me distrust him. i just thought i knew him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

just that the p**** needs to clean it's throat

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

Dear writer,

I can understand why this would be troubling from the perspective of someone who isn't a man, but from my own position I don't think it is necessarily so.

While a man can fully appreciate a woman's company and charm for an unlimited amount of time, it is a simple fact of nature that we are not programmed to be physically monogomous. After a certain amount of time, it doesn't matter how attractive your lady is, or what she's willing to do because, despite the fact you can still recognise her beauty - it doesn't inspire the same passion and interest as it once did. This is seemingly something only available from a new partner.

Now whether one likes to accept this or not, it is the condition of our species - but it is not a threat if it's understood. A man does not desire to lose his original lady, he merely wishes to feel the same thrill and passion that he once did, which is something that he can no longer claim with his partner.

In looking at porn, particularly following the productions of a single porn actress, he manages to feel a hint of the excitement that he has lost, while not having to give up the emotional intimacy and devotion he has for his original partner.

As I said at the beginning, I can understand why this would trouble and upset a woman, but as far as I can tell - given the way we are, it's the best possible outcome. The man could leave his partner to rediscover passion and thrills, but thereby lose the devotion and emotional intimacy, or he could attempt to ignore his desires and thus force himself deeper into unhappiness, and possibly even resentfulness of his partner. Considering this, allowing him to emulate a hint of passion every now and again is a worthy sacrifice.

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