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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm really torn within myself. I'm confused. I have the desire to be with a woman, to give myself to her completely. I have cravings for a good, loving partner. But for some reason I hate myself for it. I feel that if somehow I fulfill my desire for love, and emotional closeness, that I will have admitted defeat, and personal weakness.I know it's not logical. I have instincts to be a good spouse to a good woman, to be a good protector, and provider to her, and my family. But when a woman starts to get close to me I push her away, and that's not right. Why do I think being loving is immasculine, and weak? I want to love, but I always up a wall. Any ideas? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I like to believe that there is always hope. If you choose to try and deal with this part of your life, there a number of ways that you can proceed.
The first would be to try and deal with the symptoms as though they were the issue. You could try to force yourself to be more loving and more vulnerable. If your issue is not a complicated one, this might be enough to change it.
A second way would be to try to figure out what's causing the problem and to use those insights to deal with current situations. This is were a therapist is often useful. You'd be best looking for an insight or catharsis type therapist as they focus on that type of thing.
Either way, I believe that change is possible if you're willing to put in a consistent effort to make it happen.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Get into therapy to explore your attachment history. Once you get to the root of the issue, you will be able to fix the issue and be willing to take the chances you need to take to find love.
-Frank
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood ideas. I wonder if there is any fixing this, or if I'm permanently broken?
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (24 December 2010):
Messages like "love equals weakness" are acquired through experience. My first reaction is to wonder whether you learnt this message from your parents. Some fathers, especially of the older generation, like to send the message that a "real" man is one who is always strong, powerful and in charge of his emotions and that anything else - like showing kindness or love - is weakness. Children of these fathers are often angry and driven and have a difficult time expressing themselves in any other way.
Another possibility is that you may have experienced a really negative experience after having made yourself vulnerable and open. Intimacy is about trust and ultimately, about making yourself vulnerable to some extent and having someone take advantage of you or reject you when you've made yourself so vulnerable can be pretty traumatic. This could happen from a really bad break up or being abandoned by a parent.
In either case, if this is something you really want to handle, I think your best bet is find a good counselor/psychotherapist who knows how to deal with this kind of thing.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (24 December 2010):
This is a fear of intimacy.
The source of this USUALLY comes from the way you were raised.
We would have to look at your "attachment" history. This means looking at those first relationships where you formed an interpretation as to what love and intimacy means.
For example, if as a child you needed more affection from a parent and the parent responded inappropriately and did not give you affection when you required it, that could end up a filter for you that showing the desire for affection is punishable and weak.
Other experiences might include a sense of having been abandoned by other that went seeking love and affection. For example, if every friend you ever had would hang out with you UNTIL they got into a relationship and then stopped having time to hang with you, the sense of abandonment you felt could have become a filter for you that anyone that shows affection for others is a "bad person" and you do not want to be a "bad person".
Hope these ideas help.
-Frank
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