A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, here's my dumb question. I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years. In that time we have had our ups and downs. I have never asked him for sexual fidelity, which means that he is pretty open with me and doesn't feel like he needs to hide things. We started off as a LDR (we met each other when I was on a business trip and decided to see if things could work out anyway - I'd visit him every few months and we talked every day) and pretty casual. During that time he got another girlfriend. I knew about her and believed that she knew about me, but it turned out that it wasn't so.After a while, I was transferred down to his city. He had broken up with his other girlfriend and said that we could now be really official and that YAY FINALLY no more distance, etc, and then pretty much straight away met another girl and started seeing her, and didn't tell her about me again. I was disgusted and broke things off with him - I'm okay with us being in an open thing, but I'm really not okay with him just using that as an excuse to make me into his secret mistress. A few months later I ran into him in a bar. He was apologetic and cried and said I was right, and he broke up with the other girl and said he made the biggest mistake of his life. I ended up getting back with him, and now it's been about a year since then.I know he doesn't particularly care about me, and I think he just likes to keep all his women on little fishing lines - tug on this one, give her some attention so that she stays attached, throw her back, tug on the next one etc. Right now he has his first ex running errands for him.The question isn't really Should I Break Up With Him? Of course I should. The question is: why do I stay? I really don't understand that. I mean, we laugh a lot together, and we can talk about some things that I don't really talk about with other people (we're both major jazz fans and it's quite hard to find other people who are so into it!)... But really, why? What's wrong with me?
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female
reader, JaneSmith2014  +, writes (17 October 2015):
It definitely gets better from here .. you are on the right track .. keep going ...all the best and wish you tons of happiness :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Jane! Haha the jazz was just an example, wasn't really expecting it to be in the title! There aren't any jazz bars here... stupid new city. I wish there were! Oh well!I think you're right, it is really hard to suddenly start again from zero on the social life scale. My best friends don't even live in the country any more and although we're always trying to find times to call or Skype each other, it's not the same as when I could just call them up and go hang out. I am making a big effort on the social life front - I know lots and lots of people here, because I was working in bars, but I recently quit my job as well because after a while bar management starts looking more like a problem than anything else. I'm trying to meet new people who don't spend their lives shouting "SHOT!" by going to meetup groups, finding people online etc, but it's a slow process. I met a really really cool girl, and I do have a guy friend who I would consider a good close friend to whom I can talk about pretty much anything (but he's an alcoholic so I have to find a way for us to hang out without it leading to tequila). You're right, though. I wasn't really looking at it in that way, but I think that's the base of the problem. Ah, well - it gets better, right?
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2014 +, writes (30 September 2015):
Hey there ! Firstly there's nothing wrong with you.. Tell me something however . .do you have close friends with whom you can chat over a cup of coffee or a glass of beer about your likes and dislikes ? Do you have a social circle comprising people whom you can count on and fall back on during stressful times ?.. one reason why you are unable to let go of a guy like this one could be because you dont have a person to replace the role of a conversationalist/ jazz enthusiast/ listener / friend whom you think find in him .. this can only happen if you start getting back your social life into shape.. get some new friends .. you have been recently transferred to a new city rite ? iam sure there are a lot of new people worth socialising with and new places to go and see .. visit a jazz bar.. .. there must surely be someone out there who can converse with you about jazz (c'mon it cant be that only one person knows about jazz on the entire planet rite ? :P logically speaking ? ).. try to get replacement for all the roles that you perceive this chap to be playing in your life .. you will stop missing him / craving for him and will slowly learn to let go .. meaning while dont be hard on yourself for being dependant on him .. its just that your situation is making you feel this way ... all the best ..
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