New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Why do I feel like I lost out after the break up with my boyfriend?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 March 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 March 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, *rueLoveWaits2016 writes:

So its been probably a month post break up. My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. I really love my ex and care for him immensely, despite the fact that he is directionless, has no goals/ambition, very lazy in everything and he was/is always broke. I have always struggled w/self esteem issues, but I am probably the happiest that I have been in my entire life. People call me beautiful (something I have struggled w/a lot), I worked hard to get my current professional job, graduated from college (plan to go back) and in general working my way to be the best that I can. I will admit that at times I am lazy, but if there's an opportunity, I will take it. My ex has nothing to offer me, yes he is good looking, but I know a lot of women wouldn't even wait for him to break up, they would have left a long time ago. I know if we hadn't broken up and gotten more serious, he would be a burden. Why do I feel like I lost out?

View related questions: long distance, my ex

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (10 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntMy boyfriend says I'm perfect, but he also has too much going on (with uni, work and mental health struggles) to give our relationship the attention it deserved. We're now best friends (it's complicated), but we had to temporarily/permanently give up a great relationship because the timing was off.

Sometimes it's just not meant to last, even if you're "perfect".

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States +, writes (10 March 2017):

TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know no one is perfect, heck I know I'm not. Maybe it is true that if someone was a prize, I would have to look at myself. For example a guy I went on 2 dates w/, I didn't feel good enough for him because he had a more disciplined lifestyle then me. Funny thing is when I told my ex he needed to get his crap together, he had heard it before from his parents. That really shook him up.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntThe thing is no one is perfect, OP.

But the fact that he dumped YOU is more a reflection of HIMSELF than it is of you.

HE KNEW that he had LITTLE to offer someone like you. That is why he liked you in the first place, you were a "prize". Well, if that prize makes you take a good hard look at yourself and you discover that you are a bit of a loser - what would YOU do? Probably walk away too.

It's OK to have a standard of what you expect from a partner - especially if you are willing to DO the same. The whole LOVE him for who he is, it's great (short term) but maybe NOT when you look at the whole picture. (long term).

He didn't dump you because YOU weren't good enough, he dumped you because it made him realize HE wasn't...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States +, writes (9 March 2017):

TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The funny thing is, I actually knew that he wouldn't change, I didn't have fantasies on how it could have been. That happened w/the 1st guy I dated. Might be completely crazy, but I loved him for him, granted at 1st his situation wasn't too bad as he had a pretty steady job, then when the job ended (seasonal), the lack of go getting of anything was really telling.

Also I'm going to look for a guy who makes the effort as well, not just me. Funny thing is, before I got into the relationship, I was happy, even being single. Guess its a definite blow to the self esteem when someone says you are perfect and proceed to dump you out the door.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Anon there.

It's having to let go of the dream of WHAT COULD have been, the fantasy of who HE COULD be - that is what hurts.

My guess is you also cared for him and that YOU taking care of him as much as you did gave you purpose and made you feel loving and loved.

It's only been a month. I think most of us after a break up have a lot of "maybe it could have worked" or " I should have done ABC" or even... " I should not have dated him this long, he really wasn't worth it".

So there is some guilt (why couldn't I "make it work") ("Why wasn't I "good enough" for HIM to step up?") and ("why did I let it go this far?") and there IS some loss too. You "lost" someone you care(d) about. And that hurt. The thing is you can LOVE someone, care DEEPLY about someone and STILL not be a good match.

I'd say TAKE a good long time to DO things you used to do, that made you happy. Go hang out with people who are positive, family friends and accept that YOU have to be realistic when dating someone, and you HAVE to be honest, at least with yourself.

Until you move from the "if only he would change XYZ about himself and BE the man I think he can be" to a "he wasn't the partner I WANT in life." you will feel a little lost here.

YOU dated him for his potential and his personality and looks. However, he didn't LIVE up to his potential (at least not the potential YOU saw or wanted to see).

KNOW your standards in a partner. WHAT you want from them, and then don't SETTLE for less.

And remind yourself that you are NO LONGER wasting your time on a guy there REALLY wasn't a future with.

Next time look a little closer to home to for your next date. I'm sure you can find a good guy without having to spend a fortune of plane tickets.

It's OK to hurt after a breakup, even if the guy was no good for you. It makes you human.

Chin up, OP. I think you did the right thing. And you have a LOT to offer (that has nothing to do with your looks).

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (9 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntFamiliarity. It's common and you just let it fade.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017):

Relinquishing the dream of what might have been and facing the reality of what is,can be extremely difficult,especially if you were totally switched on to the dream.

Like a gambler with a limited pocket it can be difficult to cut out and stop pursuing the dream and face reality and cut your losses.

There is an art to walking away graciously and there is much groundwork to be done.

Why you choose to doubt yourself after you have got past the hardest part and realised your self worth is a mystery except that habits die hard and there will be times when you notice his absence.

However, fortunately for you, his absence allows happiness to shine into your life!

Missing the good times is normal but you can remind your self that the good time/bad time balance had become so badly broken that you couldnt fix it.

Now that you are free to feel happier and calmer it doesnt mean you have to throw a toxic mix into your life so that he can bleed off it.

It takes time to recover.

At least a good three months unless you had someone waiting in the wings and you have to remind yourself that you have done him an enormous favour by disassociating.

And remember you had those bad times because he thought you would admire him for them!

As it didn't work that way for you it is for the best that you go your own way and let him find someone who will admire him for his antics, or learn that it might not work for anyone at all in the long run.

But you have done your bit and are free to move on!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Why do I feel like I lost out after the break up with my boyfriend?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312436999993224!