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Why do I fall in love so easily and always end up getting hurt?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 March 2007) 28 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I fall for men too easily and too fast. If they are not interested and reject me it really upsets me. Its beginning to ruin my life, the only time I feel good about myself is when I am drunk becuase it blocks out the feelings but it also makes me lose my inhibitions which usually results in me throwing myself at people, wishing for them to like me. At the time I dont care but afterwards I feel pathetic and desperate. I have a self-hate whhich is building up in me more and more because of this vicious circle.

I am young, have a good job and earn a decent wage, my own flat and lots of friends so why am I like this? Why do I fall in love so easily and always end up getting hurt?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011):

i do exactly the same thing... im 17 now but i fell in love with my first ever serious boyfriend, i was 12 and we was together for 3 years, and it hurt like a bitch, even too this say i still love him, i broke up with him when i was 15, and ever since i seem to fall for guys soooo easily, in a way its a security thing, as soon as a guy shows attention, you jump to it bcoz its what u want, you just want to feel loved and want attention, it can also be about being insecure about your self... if you arent pleased with youself then when a boy compliments you, you get the most amazing feeling.. but then by the time you realise it was just a compliment and nothing more your already heartbroken..........x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010):

wow.dont even know how i came across this,but it makes me feel so much better knowing there are so many pple like me. i fall in love with guyz so fast and i feel like a fuckin loser coz i dont learn. I am beautiful 29 yr old girl,very sexy,hot body,good job,educated. i got alot going for me, and i dont get why i fall for these guys so quick and they always do the samething, get so busy with work,or have alot going on in their lives. like it stopped when they met me. its ridiculous, i dont feel like i can trust any man anymore. Am honestly tired of getting hurt !!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010):

Hi There

Am just like you, but Instead of boys I fall for girls...

I do and understand how you feel...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010):

its rely hard to say why we fall in love so easy and it frightens me when i do , i use to drink when i split up from my first bf he cheated on me and after that a was drinkin all the time hang out with friend till 3 -4 oclock in the morning getting in fights ,but we got to look at it this way we have still got a future in are hands , and now ive turned my life around ive got a job and a flat im happy my advise dont turn to drink turn to your best mate or 1 member of your family they will help you through it xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010):

I'm not entirely sure. Maybe you feel that it's you who has the problem? When guys reject you, you focus inward on yourself? I'm not an expert but I'm sure it's normal and don't worry you're not the only one. I'm often told I should " PLAY HARD TO GET !" I do try this occasionally but then theres a fear nothing may ever happen. I think the best bet is to be friendly and interesting. Not too "in your face" kind of thing, just enough to be noticed.

I think us girls think about things way too much and when a guy we like shows an interest in us, generally we jump too far ahead. Take it slow and be playful, banter, not too serious. Make him miss you as well. Then he'll realise he does like you a lot! Aka be semi-available, don't be too available and see how it goes :) hope that helps x

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A female reader, rysky United States +, writes (7 April 2010):

I am 27 and my first time I fell feel deeply in love was when I was 17. I knew I had a problem then with falling to easily. Not only that it take me a while to fall out of love. 5 years later I'm in love again and when the relationship ended I drank to keep the pain off of my mind. But drinking only helped temporarily it didn't cure me feeling like shit. So I got it all together. Changed my scenery and did something for myself. I met new friends and even found someone who loved me genuinely. Unfortunately I feel as if I always find a way to show so much emotion and there's my relationship down the drain. Life goes on and real love requires two people if you fall in love with someone over compliments imagine how much you will love them if you knew they loved you back. Trust me they're waiting for you to step into your life. You just have to continue being yourself. Someone is gonna love you for it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

Hello, my name is Jenny and im 15 years old. I recently just started getting attracted to guys. So pretty much if im attracted to a guy, and he compliments me. Like if he calls me beautiful, gorgeus, or pretty. I really fall for them. Hahah it sucks, but im learning from it all. Dang im laughing at myself right now, this is so pathetic. I mean EVERY girl likes compliments right? I dont know..

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A female reader, I Love Love United States +, writes (3 December 2009):

I met this guy who thought I was the cat's meow. Finally I say, but he came on so strong; said he was infatuated with me only after a couple weeks. I got scared and pushed him away. It was too much. One day I woke up and wanted to be next to him insanely, so I slept with him. Since that time he has not been as forthcoming with his emotions and he doesn't call as much as he had before, says he's been really busy with work, which he has, but.... I just know when you really want someone you make the time to at least call. I have fallen in love with him only after one month and have become desperate for him to be a part of my life. I told him that I thought I was in love with him. (I am way too honest for my own good.) He said he wanted for us to spend more time together and take it slow, and that he was "feeling me too", which is good, but I feel like an ass because we needed more time to date, to really get to know each other before we slept together, and I get this annoying feeling that some how I've blown my chances of furthering our relationship by telling him how I feel and sleeping with him so soon. I tend to sabotage relationships. I fall in love really fast and it has become a detriment to my life. I get physically ill. I feel the most intense pain and torture to my soul. Here I am again, in this place of passion and pain, in love with a man after only one month. He must think I'm a fool. I sure do. Why do I have to be like this? It hurts and I'm tired of falling in love too fast and giving away all my power. I need to be stronger for self-preservation. I keep thinking that "Mr. Right" will just know I'm worth it, but is that really true? Do I have to play the game in order for him to love me too?

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A female reader, RyAnne United States +, writes (20 November 2009):

omg i do the same thing and ruin every potential relationship i attempt to start. i get drunk and make a fool of myself which makes things worse and the guy thinks im just a crazy drunk. im just the opposite. im attractive and financially successful and look 10-plus yrs younger than i am. i hate this so much

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A female reader, wannabehappy Indonesia +, writes (22 October 2009):

I guess we fall in love easily because of our imagination about someone. We always exaggerate the person's kindness/attractiveness, that's why our mind quickly filled with that person.

I think you should forgive yourself, but try to see those guys as human too, as friends...so although you like them, you are not rushed to tell them how you feel. And hopefully later he can see you as a good friend, and maybe ask you out :)

But yes, try not expecting too much.

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A female reader, imagine88 United States +, writes (10 June 2009):

OK, I am very late with input to your question but hopefully you and the others will read this.

The first thing I must say is GOOD FOR YOU! The fact that you easily fall for people says that you are open, compassionate, accepting and loving as a person. What a great group of qualities. Haven't you ever been around someone who will not listen to another point of view or is so stubborn that the problem is always because of someone else? Well,,,you are the exact opposite of this kind of closed minded person. What you have is a gift from God and if the world was full of people like you it would be a better place.

The second thing I must say is you need to learn to harness your actions toward these feelings. Try this out...Pick a date on the calendar, lets say 2 months, and tell yourself that during these 2 months you will not date or try to establish a romantic connection. Still participate in your social activities as normal. Try to see everyone as a preson and not male or female during this time. Force yourself to talk to as many new females as males to create new friendships. This will hopefully allow you to see that other people are open to your companionship without needing to add physical activity. You will also empower yourself with the understanding that you are a likeable person.

I hope I was helpful and that you are doing well.

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A female reader, Lyn J United States +, writes (30 May 2009):

I really think that the drinking may be the main cause of your sadness. The people that you know when you are partying, see you as happy and complete, but that is the drug of alcohol that they are seeing, not the real you.

You need to make your life something interesting, something that people want to listen to and pay attention to. That will make you someone to chase after, not just a drunken conquest.

The sadness will come and go throughout your life, but be happy and interested in others, then they will like you for you. Treating others with respect will make them like you more as well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008):

maybe our conceptions of love are ultimately very different. I feel like some of us maybe recognize passion, infatuation, or extreme companionship...as love. But it takes all three of those, an unsaid general and specific agreement on life, open communication and trust, and a lot of time together to produce the highest quality unconditional love.

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A female reader, nlp United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2008):

nlp agony auntim the same i notice everytime i get close to a lad i fall very quickly for them and i try to give 100 percent of love and affection i got to them. and i seem i get to attached. which then when we end up spliting i get reli hurt but now i have been with this lad for 4 monthes and we are goin good and a shock to me i am now pregnant with his baby and hes a bit turned off but we are gettn through it. i supose life changes are difficult but u will find somewere inside you to not be to attached like i did as i know hardly see my bf as he travels alot but i know that he will be there for me know so when you find someone which you will in time you will stop being so attached as u get used to them nd u like bit of space .

hope this helps

x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

Hi,

Yet another case.. me. I am a boy and I fall for so many girls. I am handsome, very kind.. maybe too kind? I'm not sure if I love myself or not.. but I try to be kind to everyone. I probably come on strongly also.. I wrote this girl a poem for valentine's day and she didn't talk to me for a while:). I'm only 18. The pain is immense and I have experienced a lot of pain- my parents died. So i want a parter, I am as affectionate as they come.. but it doesn't work. So? =/

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

(excuse my grammer im jus writting) But anyways I understand every one Its crazy how fast I can fall for a guy if im attratcted to him already once he say something sweet like boo or baby or babe or watever it gets to me and I try real hard to hold myself back from being all over him because I dont want him to think im trying to force him to be my boyfriend and desprate...

But not sounding mean I think our promblem is we are kinda desprate but not like that we just want some one that will appericate all the love we got to give and not judge us and jus accept it and love us the same way back

at lease thats how I feel...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

I'm 18 and I'm going through the same thing. I fall in love soo fast, everyone says its a phase. but its not I just get attatched really easily in general. Im very sensative too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

OMG...I'm actually crying, not like balling or weeping but tearing heavily and my nose is running. I'm a guy and I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN, I fall in love SO FAST AND SO HARD that i SWEAR it's like i don't have a choice in the matter and im NOT kidding. It's like I see a girl and i'm attracted to her and that's it, BLAM, now i'm just along for the ride and there is NO WAY OFF OF IT or to stop it, it just has to run it's course which is SO MUCH MORE PAINFUL THEN I COULD EVER DESCRIBE...let's put it this way, if someone told me that if I simply chopped off my hands I would never feel that pain again I would hack them off with a plastic spork...its so painful that I HAVE ACTULLY BECOME WICKEDLY ADDICTED TO oxycontin which actaully provided an ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF RELIEF for the first 7 years.

I just don't get it and I HATE IT!!!!! I am 37 however I look 24, very successful, and I am absolutly georgous by way of doing the best with what i've got...meaning that I would not consider myself even average looking but I studied diet, nutrition, and training for 10 years and my body is breathtaking which changes the way i carry myself making me very attractive...

One thing that really stuck with me about the original posters 2nd response was how do you love yourself when you annoy yourself. For example, my mom could be Joan Rivers sister and I'm not kidding while my dad is the quinticential engineer therefore, my mom DROVE MY DAD CRAZY, she was the most annoying person he had ever met and my dad drove my mom crazy likewise...and I ended up getting the most potent of each of them so I litterally CAN NOT STAND THE SOUND OF MY VOICE, THE FACT THAT I LOVE SCIENCE FICTION, THE FACT THAT I LOVE TO DANCE NOR THE FACT THAT I LOVE COMPUTERS. I swear to God, I DRIVE MYSELF FUKING INSANE as well as others AND I KNOW THIS!!!! So what is someone like me to do? HOW CAN I EVER LOVE MYSELF. To drive this point home, this entire post i've written is PATHETIC, it is SOOOOOOOO MOTHER FUKING, GOD DAMD WINNY AND ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008):

I am the same way, every time i meet a women i end up falling in love. I think what the problem is you just want to be accepted and loved and they avoid you because you come on to strong

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008):

Gaaaaaaah, I have the same problem! Except I don't hate myself. I find myself always falling in love so fast for guys. All I have to do is like, look at a guy and I start to really like him! It's probably why I've never had a boyfriend...I'm only 16, though. And a lot of people act like, "Oh, you're 16, you can't be in love, you still have your whole life ahead of you." Well, sure, I still have my whole life, but it's hard when you are in high school and you keep getting rejected as all of your friends have boyfriends and love lives.

And I know what you mean by alcohol blocking out your feelings. So does pot.

I guess one reader was right, we should just think more like men, and be more practical.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

Because we women are made like that. we are very sentimental. the moment we develop feelings for a guy, we start making movies in our head and all that. men are usually very practical. to stop being hurt u should start thinking like a man

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007):

I cant see how you can take those answers seirously adn truly beleive that that will help u, your clinically deperessed - find the person who loves you back or become a heavy perscription drug user

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007):

Are you having sex with these guys you easily fall for? It seems as if you're a very "open minded girl", meaning, "premiscuious girl".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007):

Do you have sex with all these guys you "supposably" fall for?

You need to find out who you are as a person. Work on yourself instead of finding love.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007):

Dr Pete is so right. Stop beating yourself up. Take the time that you are single to build yourself up. Learn to love yourself and discover the person that you really are. Don't get too hung up on meeting someone, love your time with your friends and family. Enjoy just what you have and make the most of every day of your life. Wake up in a morning and be happy. When you do meet someone, just be yourself and don't adapt to how you think the bloke want you to be. If you don't like something, then say, never compromise. You are a wonderful person and deserve to meet someone really great.

Love life and yourself, the right person will come along.

Take care

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007):

Maybe you fall in love "easily" because you want to feel loved back, more than you have self-love?

It is a great thing to wear your heart on your sleeve, and to be open emotionally to feelings of love. But. As you have seen, opening yourself up too much to someone you don't truely know will end in pain.

The other reply is right in that you could avoid unnecessary pain by concentrate on developing self-love. Self-love is to truly love and appreciate the great things you obviously have to offer to others. By realising these, you will feel good about yourself when sober thus not feeling the need to get so drunk.

When you love yourself, you appreciate the qualities you have, and you are more careful about who you choose to fall for. For example, you will probably recognise faults in the guys you have met previously before you develop strong feelings for them. This is not the same as being too picky, or judgemental, it is rather a natural and instinctive way of only opening your heart to those who open theirs to you. You will have an inner-strength to reject those who don't meet your standards and rather than feel empty and rejected, you will feel happy and confident.

You will not get anything beneficial from your current feeling that there is something wrong with you because as you have said, it makes you feel upset. This in turn hurts you more, and makes the problem worse.

You need to work out a way of realising the things you can offer to a relationship, I'm sure there are tons, when you think about it. At the same time, see the problems that your previous guys have had and put these down as things you don't want in a future partner. When you can see these two things, I think you will be more careful about who you fall for. You will appreciate your qualities and you won't want to share them to someone who isn't worthy - e.g. someone who shows the same signs as guys you know from experience you don't want.

As you say, you are young, have a good job, your independence and a good circle of friends. It sounds to me like you've also had your fair share of relationship and love experience so you are in a most perfect situation to now want and expect more from your next partner and to hopefully find yourself someone who will make you happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007):

Hello, thanks for your answer. I have a few friends who tell me that I am too hard on myself and I should learn to love myself and have self respect. But I just dont know how. How can I begin to like myself if every part of me annoys me!! Where do I start?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007):

I am similar to you myself and I think I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be loved and liked and yet when I think I am getting somewhere the men I meet start acting strange..... I can only put this down to a pattern.... maybe if you and I started to "love" ourselves first we would let ourselves be treated so badly and let these men get away with what they do to us.... So, the answer is not to allow yourself to "give in" so easily hold a little bit back for your own pride and stand tall and love yourself first... that way they male species wont hurt us! Sounds good in theory but I will try if you will! xxx

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