A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMy bf of 5 years constantly belittles me, insults me, talks about how other girls look good and how I look v bad in front of them and how old I look, how I don't deserve him... But still comes to me for money, it's been months since we had sex and whenever I ask he gives me some reason or other, he don't physically abuse me but done everything else. I'm a complete mess now and 2 days back I came to know his old ex who is married with kid is texting him and they are talking in phone, when I asked today he says she loves him and he is the love of her life , we had fight and he left and I tried reaching him, he is not picking up. I know I have to leave him, I have decent work and I earn good money, have some money saved up without his knowledge. Though I know I need to leave something in me is stopping me from doing it, please help me, am I some kind of weirdo who likes being in abused relationship. Please help me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2015): HiThere's a psychological phenomena that happens in abusive relationships, whereby the abused person in the relationship (you) will actually form a much closer bond with their abuser, than you would in a normal relationship. Bizarre I know, but true. Read books about 'betrayal bonds' or 'trauma bonds' and it will help you to understand why it's so hard to leave. One example I will never forget of these 'trauma bonds' is when some terrorists took ten people hostage. They treated their hostages well and with kindness and then badly declaring that they would kill them if they had to. Then they would be nice again. These tactics are used in domestic abusive relationships as I'm sure you're aware... nice and nasty, Mr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. You never know who you're going to get right? Anyway, the hostages were held for about two weeks. When they were released, all of the hostages including the men sang the praises of the terrorists, saying they were great guys etc and two of the women hostages waited ten years for two of the terrorists to get out of jail and married them! All just based on this two week experience.The explanation for this is that when the person who abuses us, is then nice and loving (and they can be very nice and loving) the abused person feels such gratitude, such love. Way more then you would normally without the contrast in behaviour. If the abusive person has some noble reason for their behaviour then this is even more effective.Go figure and it's such a pain that this happens, but it does, I've experienced it myself. Why would you want to stay with someone who makes you so unhappy? Because the one person in the world who can and does make you feel ok again is your abusive partner. As they say in one of the books, 'Your tormentor and rescuer is the same person' Very hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand this, but I expect you will recognise what I'm saying. I got out and actually still do miss his company three years on, but I would never want to go back there. You'll do it, in your own time, you're already part way there. Don't beat yourself up, you didn't choose this, it happened to you as it did to me and it has made me wiser and more able to help others understand what's happening to them. Read everything you can about the subject of abuse, particularly 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft which is a fantastic book that I believe will help you enormously.Good luck.
A
female
reader, diamondgal +, writes (25 November 2015):
 You don't deserve that treatment! You know that you need to leave him. The more you procrastinate, the more time it will take to meet someone who actually deserves you.
It is hard, and you may not like change. It will be better for you in the end.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (25 November 2015):
The best and easiest way to leave him would be to find a new guy. This guy is a loser and is screwing you over royally. You are perhaps afraid of getting out of your rut and facing new challenges. Actually, you should be embracing a change...it'll make your life much more interesting and exciting, and you'll think a lot more of yourself for having left that idiot. Your life will be a lot better without him!!!
I'm guessing you live together...this is often the reason for continuing a relationship. If are, make plans to move out...that means finding a place and moving your possessions. You may find it distasteful to dump him but he has been much more distasteful to you.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (24 November 2015):
 Oh, honey - I just want to hug you.
Here's the good news. You're at least aware of the fact that you're being mistreated, and you need to end this and be done with this "relationship". Honestly, what are you getting out of it? Is the only reason that you're with him still because being with somebody who hurts you is better than being alone?
Honey, it's not. There is a whole world of good people, fun, adventure, and laughter out there, and you are missing out on it! And for what?
You know why he doesn't pick up after your fights? Because that puts him in a position of power. That has YOU chasing HIM, even when HE is the one who has done wrong. No longer! I agree that you don't deserve him - you don't deserve him treating you this way, or this life that you're trapped in.
Be warned - if you finally leave, and he takes it seriously... you may make the tables turn, and he may start pursuing you, promising you changes and the love and warmth you've been wanting from him. Don't buy that trick, sister. It's been five years of him showing you exactly the person that he is.
Maybe you need to find something that excites you as incentive to leave. Find a new job! Move someplace new! Take up a new hobby! Get a plan for a life of independence that you're excited about, and then don't let this fool drag you back into his miserable shell of a universe.
Your life won't change unless you make the changes yourself. Find the motivation, and make it happen. Best of luck, sweetness.
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