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Why do I continue to have drama in my life with friends? How can I be better, what should I do?

Tagged as: Friends, Teenage, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2015)
A female United States age 18-21, *assyElegancexoxo writes:

I continue to have drama in my life with friends.

No matter what I do, drama follows. Nothing seems to work. I still end up losing friends. I partly think it's because I expect so much from them. Whenever I have a friend, I expect them to treat me how I would treat them. I know I'm a good friend, very loyal, and would do anything for a friend. People tell me that!

It's just when I see someone not willing to do the same, I immediately drop them from my life.

If they backstab me once, they get dropped. Lie to my face once, they get dropped. Etc.I drop easily just because I don't want them to have the chance to hurt me again.

I'm a senior in high school getting ready to go to college in a few months and I do not want to deal with broken friendships. How can I be better, what should I do?

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A female reader, SassyElegancexoxo United States +, writes (30 May 2015):

SassyElegancexoxo is verified as being by the original poster of the question

SassyElegancexoxo agony auntThanks for your advice everyone!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with CodeWarrior.

There ARE different types of friends. What you WANT is BEST FRIENDS, the people you can rely on, trust in and confide in, but what you HAVE are acquaintances or fair weather friends. People you can hang around, have fun with, talk to, occasionally do things with. But they are NOT the kind you confide your problems to or the ones who will hold your hair while you puke your guts out.

BFF's are not a dime a dozen, acquaintances are. They are actually rare. And they CAN start out as an acquaintance and develop OVER years into a TRUSTED friend. It's not something instant.

Treating a acquaintance like a FRIEND doesn't mean they will become one. And your expectations might just be a bit too high for these people. You want them to follow your OWN code for friendship, but NOT everyone follow that code.

Doesn't mean if an acquaintance doesn't "evolve" into a FRIEND/Best Friend that you HAVE to cut them off, that will leave you with loads of people who feel YOU used them. They are not mind readers and DO NOT know you have these lofty expectations of them.

RELAX. Get to know people, don't POUR yourself and YOUR ideals into EVERY new person you met.

I had loads of friends (or rather acquaintances) in college but only 5 really GOOD friends. Two of which were acquaintances for a LONG time before we "bonded" as friends. That was 25+ years ago and out of those 5 - I'm STILL in contact with 4. And I have cultivated 2 (yep ONLY 2) friends in the last 19 years.

GOOD friends are RARE. Acquaintances are everywhere. Having BOTH types in your life can enrich you.

It's the TRULY negative people you steer clear off and you cut off.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

I think the problem is that you call all these people your friends.

There are not your friends and never were.

It was just hanging out, going places together, but that's to what is called friends. Especially at your age, the so called fiends are easy to make, because you are looking for a company todo fun stuff together. But this is what these people who you finally ditch should be called: hanging out buddies.

And ...they shouldn't be taken seriously. Even if you know them for years they still are stuck on a shelf called " hanging out" buddies.

If these people lie to you. Backstabbing you, you are right to drop them. Even for fun time buddies it's too serious of "crime" . You definitely want to avoid people like this on your life always.

The other thing you might want to try is to give it a bit more time to figure out if this person your friend or not.

I learned the hard way to not be so trusting and open with all people that come my way. I managed to make very good friends through out the years but it took me the same amount of year to understand who exactly I want in mylife and whoi don't want.

Also, people are all very different, most are not like you, many have different set of values and came from different backgrounds. That's why we pick and choose.

You are not doing anything wrong in dropping them, May be in a beginning you shouldn't be picking them at all. The older you get, the more you learn, and if you keep your loyalty, and your enthusiasm in people you will eventually end up with friends who you will never loose because when they come into your life they will be there to stay .

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 May 2015):

olderthandirt agony aunt bet you have heard the term "fair weather friends"

That is what the majority of friendships are in life. Unless you get extreemly lucky and find a friend that will stick by you no matter whay happens.

fair weather friends(a.k.a aquaintenances) are the majority of what our pool of people we know actually are will go away as soon as there is any drama.

Not your fault it's just human nature to not want to get all wrapped up in the problems of others. I suspect at your young age there is a lot of drama around you all the time.

Therefore findin a "REAL" friend will be very vry hard. Again, It's not your fault!Nothing you can do or say will turn a person you know into a friend. If there is drama all around you, Folks will naturally tend to be stand-offish.

I mean who the heck wants to be involed in constant turmoil? Quit trying to make a friend while there is a funnel cloud of dusty drama around you. You can't blame them or yourself for what is a normal trait. If there is a way to get out of the drama you speak of do that first then aquire a friend.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (29 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntYou need to allow different levels of relationships in your life. Outside of family, I have 5 basic categories: Romantic interest, Friend, colleague or co-worker, acquaintance, and no contact. My ecpectations of each are different.

A romantic interest is a intimate friendship involving romance, love, and sex.

A friend is someone that I trust and can rely on, but there's no romantic involvement. However, I may love them in a platonic way.

A colleague or co-worker is someone I work with, where I may see them as a work friend, but I don't expect loyalty to me and don't expect to rely on them for anything outside of work. I may see them socially on occasion.

An acquaintance is a person that may have been a friend at one point but they didn't reciprocate in kind. They may have lied or used me, but nothing so egregious that they get the boot. They are still fun to hang out with on occasion. I keep them in my life, but don't rely on them or trust them to be there for me when problems arise. Acquaintances are also people that I've just met who may become a friend if they reciprocate in kind, but they aren't quite there yet.

No contacts are people who have betrayed me, been mean to me, or have personality characteristics that I refuse to have in my life. Also, I don't classify individuals as enemies. If I feel like they are an enemy, I simply cease all contact with them.

When you enjoy someone's company, and they do things that upset you like not reciprocating in kind, then demote them to acquaintance status. Don't make any big speeches or create drama, just silently demote them and don't rely on them for anything important. Don't expect them to show up when you invite them, and don't plan to do important things with them one on one. Treat them as a bonus, but not important to your enjoyment of an activity. For example, you plan to go out shopping with them and they stand you up. Just plan on them not showing up, and be prepared to enjoy shopping by yourself. If they do happen to show up, then great, have a good time with them.

It's just a fact of life that the vast majority of people that you meet will only be acquaintances and are likely to let you down if you promote them to friends. That doesn't mean you kick them out of your life, it means you just try to enjoy their company and not rely on them.

Hope this helps!

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