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Why do guys I meet (and like) only like to flirt and never do anything?

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Flirting<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 May 2018)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Why do guys I meet (and like) only like to flirt and never do anything?

I have an unusual job, we do fieldwork and one expedition can last for several months, so we get to know each other well and spend time together.

They are all very openly affectionate towards me, they like to be with me, talk to me, touch me, when I'm not there, they look for me, they take care of me... but they never ever ask me out. They make big gestures and they don't care of others know that they like me, but when they should actually do something, nothing happens.

That's the recipe I've lived with all of my life. I'm 40 now. I've had only 1 boyfriend and at least 7 stories that I have just mentioned.

There were 3 guys that wanted to keep our relationship (which didn't last long anyway) a secret. One guy was a jerk (he obviously thought I wasn't good enough for him) and the other two were even worse - they lied to me about being married.

Most recently I met a guy and the whole thing started again. I like him, but I'm just tired of having the same recipe over and over again. He is really affectionate and after two weeks of flirting and him not doing anything I casually asked him if he wanted to grab a coffee in the afternoon. He refused not because he had other plans, but because we had to work the next day - whatever this meant.

And then he continued to flirt the following week.

If he's in a relationship then flirting with me is pretty bad and I wouldn't want him anyway, but if he's not and he's still not doing anything concrete, I just don't get it.

At some point my brother told me that I attract "blood-suckers" (like our dad). Men that enjoy flirting, that enjoy my attention but they want just that and nothing else.

I don't know, he may be right.

My sister (same mother, same father) doesn't have my problem, so I'm not sure it's just the father thing. She's had boyfriends and then she meet her husband. No flirting+nothing stories.

I just don't know what to do to break this "curse".

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (20 May 2018):

Dionee' agony auntI'm against co-workers dating. It's just a recipe for disaster.

I agree that you need to try dating guys outside of work based on your own personal standards and if you don't have the time then perhaps now isn't the right time to be dating because it generally takes a lot of time and effort to date. There are good men out there around your age but again; dating takes time and effort. As you said, you work quite a lot but with you wanting a relationship so bad, it's worth putting a bit more time and effort into.

Also, don't mistake friendliness and flirting as genuine interest. Some people are into wasting a persons time (as you've learned) so try dating guys outside of work where you an go on real dates and find out more by asking actual questions in an atmosphere where nobody is confused as to what is happening. Safe guard yourself against being used. Also, let guys chase you! Men are natural born hunters in the dating game and they are meant to chase and impress. As a woman, there certainly isn't anything wrong with that but it can sometimes give off the wrong message that you're fast and forward while only looking for one night of fun. Let a guy chase and allow him to be chivalrous and show you that you're worth it. As a woman, you are the PRIZE. Never forget that. Stop making these men feel important.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThe dating pool at your age IS getting smaller but that doesn't mean you should get LESS selective.

I'm sure you are also aware that there IS a double standard when a guy is flirty or even a little inappropriate at work... and when a woman is? Right? He is an office Romeo she is "desperate".

And I get that finding someone in the same line of work might seem more practical, but that doesn't mean it is. All the means is that if you ONLY look at men you work with your dating pool is INSANELY tiny.

And do you really work 24/7? Do you have no time for family and friends? For socializing?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

Thank you so much for your answers!

The truth is, I was always scared/lazy to look outside. I work 24h/7. It was always a good excuse that I don't have the time, that I need to find somebody who's already in the business otherwise he wouldn't understand me...

Some harsh truths... I never thought of being flirty as unprofessional, but I do see the point. Even though it's discrete (on my part) for all others but obvious to the guy in question, I see why it may be a problem.

I've always been desperate to find a bf. Ever since I was a teen. Whenever a guy I like, likes me back I go on a rollercoaster in my head. Not getting-married type of fantasies, but going out for a coffee, for starters.

It's hard for me to accept that someone would flirt just because he's a guy. If I'm not interested I never do.

The last two were foreigners, so yes my circle is getting smaller by the day and yes, all the good ones at my age are already married.

It's really hard being single at our age, especially since all hope slowly drains out.

I've changed a lot in the past year. Made some plans that concern only me, but truth be said, deep down I still wish I had someone...

Thank you again!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think flirting with guys you work with is a BAD idea to start with. It makes you seem unprofessional (them too) and someone to not take serious.

If you are OK with a guy flirting and touching you before you even really know them, you kind of set yourself up for failure.

And I think you need to HIKE up your standard in men. IF someone suggests that you have to "hide" a sort of relationship... it isn't worth it and it isn't a "real" relationship that is just a guy using you for a time. When someone wants to HIDE you, he isn't PROUD to date you! Not that it means there is something WRONG with you, it just shows you what kind of GUY he is.

Be professional at work. Sure, you can have banter with someone you get to know well, but keep it NON-FLIRTY.

Look elsewhere than your job for guys to date. Find men whom you share things in common with.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Stop dating guys you meet through (or on) your job; first and foremost! Subscribe to a reputable dating-site; strictly for the purpose of dating. Be honest and straightforward in your profile-description. Then be patient. Go outside your comfort-zone, and date exotic men; don't always settle for predictable, or exclude the spice! Know something about different male-types.

Don't go on a one-way mission to "find a boyfriend." It is excruciatingly-exhausting pushing this point to single people. "I want, therefore I must have!" "I want it right-now!!!" "Everybody else got one!" They've got miseries too!

You can't make people love you, or commit to you on-demand. The chemistry happens and nature takes its course. Liking someone doesn't mean they like you equally, or in the same way.

It takes time to establish exactly what kind of connection you have. Sometimes it's friendly, sometimes it's sexual, and sometimes it is romantic. However; it isn't intended for the long-term in any these cases. Such is life, and you don't always get what you want, when you want it!

Let's be real! It doesn't mean you're ready for it; when you happen to find it! That's what downtime and lonesomeness is for. Repair, maintenance, and an upgrade in your personal-performance. A time to enhance your personality, and seek enlightenment. To enjoy your independence, and to be your own friend. To find spirituality; for growth, and to develop an appreciation for life. To show gratitude for blessings received.

Taste and selection have a lot to do with repeated-failures. If you are fixated on a "type;" you get the same old-type again and again. Philanderers, players, and confirmed-bachelors; who seek female-companionship just for the company, nothing else. Some guys just like a fun-gal to help him spend his money. He trades-in models, when he tires of his toys and women; and when he sees signs she's becoming spoiled, or too high-maintenance.

For the most part, many single-guys well over 40 are divorcees, gay, or total losers. Divorcees are often gun-shy and avoid clingy-needy females with church-bells ringing in her head. They are hypersensitive to mature single-women just looking for man, any man, as long as he intends to marry her. Sometimes there is an evil-ex lurking in the shadows, holding his kids hostage, and waiting to pounce; and up his child-support payments the minute she knows he's dating. Then there are the ones whose divorce isn't quite final; but he just wants sex available when he needs it. He hopes she'll take him back.

Losers and gays don't need to be explained.

You should ask a guy what he's searching for before you date him. You should also know his marital-status, if he's seeking a long-term relationship, or just dating? Don't hold-back on these pertinent questions for fear of scaring him off. That's the purpose of asking! To eliminate guys whom aren't on the same-page.

Dating guys met on the job, or fishing in a barrel, usually turns out poorly. They know you're a single-female; and chances are more in their favor to turn the whole connection into nothing more than a fling. They play and prey on your desperation; because you date co-workers, or men somehow related to the job. That may be an indication you don't know where else to find men; or know how to find eligible single-men, unless they are cornered or easy-pickings. They know you're avoiding the challenge of outside-searching; and lack the patience. Your demeanor and attitude also projects low self-esteem, and insecurity. It marks you as an easy-target; and predators know the signs of wounded-prey.

Now that I've scared you half to death, let me uplift your sorrows and build-up your hope.

There is no curse, just signs of desperation and loss of hope. Once you feel defeated; you let yourself go, your personality takes a dive, and you'll settle for whomever asks you for a date. Now who do you blame for that? Of course, it's always the guy's fault! True in many cases, but you're a grown-up; so own-up to your own faults and responsibilities.

You can't fix what you refuse to acknowledge! Not that there is something wrong with you as a whole. There's just something you're repeating; that is unsuccessful, or doesn't yield the desired results. Look at it that way!

Men naturally like to flirt. Sometimes that's all it is. They also like female-companionship; but not to be rushed, or to play "for-keeps!" Date-wise; single-men over 40 have seen a lot of battle. Excluding late-bloomers, those with arrested-development( aka man-boys), and virgins over-40!

Those with the creep-factor should be self-eliminated; and your fight or flee instinct should be on high-alert!

If they've been married and divorced; they've developed a truckload of cynicism and skepticism about women. So they are evasive, commitment-phobic; or they just look good on the outside, and full of sh*t on the inside. Those men of good-character, reasonably successful, have values, and have dodged bullets in the past; are wise enough to be discerning. They avoid signs of excessive insecurities or low self-esteem in women. They become an emotional-burden. It's hell on earth, and they drain the spirit. I won't trade gold for aluminum foil!

Date for fun, and stop being on a manhunt for a long-term boyfriend. It happens when the timing is right. When God drops that blessing on you! If you're not overtaken by too much eagerness and impatience; you'll pay more attention to whom you're dealing with. You have to be self-confident and secure enough to reject the rejects. Not lower your standards to settle; in order to appease the impatience caused by loneliness or desperation.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntIt sounds like you get friend/sister zoned a lot. I'm certainly no expert or ladies man, but I think that behavior out of the norm is more indicative of attraction than any particular behavior. So, if a girl is normally flirty with everyone, but either clams up, or goes into full on seduction mode with someone in particular, then the girl is probably attracted.

So, does your behavior change when you're attracted, or do you tend to stay the same regardless? If you tend to stay the same, guys may not get the idea that you're attracted to them. If you flirt with everyone, then guys get the idea that you're just fun flirting and they may not take it seriously.

Also, if your words say "I'm firting with a purpose", but your body language says, "I'm just having a bit of fun, please don't take seriously", then guys may be getting mixed messages.

It also depends on the guys. Are the guys you spend most of your time with confident in themselves? You could be sending all the right signals, but if the guys that you're signalling aren't confident, they won't likely take the risk. The other issue is their availability. You've already been burned by guys in relationships.

It's hard to say without seeing you in action.

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