A
female
age
36-40,
*anwanzhong
writes:I have got some guy friends.I see most of them in a strict platonic way.I'm always friendly to them but NOT flirty.We talk,hang out and laugh together.However,when I start talking to them more often(especially if we're good friends/close friends),they start to think I like them!!!For example,this guy used to be my close friend for 9 months.We laughed and talked a lot.We had a lot of interaction on facebook.Sometimes we even talked to each other on skype.I always saw him as a platonic friend and nothing more than that!!But later on,he started thinking that I liked him because I tagged him in one of my pictures on facebook!The picture showed a girl crying and there was a rose and a piano in the picture.I tagged him in the picture because he loves piano,but he read into things too much.When I told him I didn't like him in that way,he still didn't believe in what I said!He thought I was lying to him!Then he kept telling me to admit that I liked him but I really really didn't and don't!Finally,he asked me to be his friends with benefit!!There's another guy who is also my good friend.We both like traveling.He went to a lot of countries in Europe and I'm also a frequent traveller.I often put some of my traveling pictures on his facebook wall and asked him if he had ever been to any of those countries before.Then he started thinking that I liked him because I put my traveling pictures and other stuff on his facebook wall quite often!!OMG!I really want to know what guys are thinking about?What's wrong with their head?I'm just being friendly and nothing more than that!Some people say,"generally, guys think if a woman starts up a conversation with them and seems to be enjoying their lame jokes, company, etc, they are at least somewhat interested so, when you routinely do this, signals can get crossed, they thing you are flirting and embarrasing situations happen" BUT I strongly disagree with this.
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female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (28 July 2013):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cerberus:
"Can you blame a guy for not giving up when that's what you could have been doing? So many women do it OP that I'd have had hardly any girls in my life if I didn't persist and I took women at their word."----There is a difference between determined pursuit of what you know you want and harassing someone to get what you want.
After I've been specific and crystal clear about what I want and do not want from a guy (yes, that's right, sometimes women are clear) and he doesn't back off, I get hostile. Persistence annoys me more than anything else.
A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (20 November 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just read another article and I really like it.My favourite bit is: "If any guy really wants to hang out with a girl who he has never hooked up with more than his buddies, then he has a crush on the girl".Hmm...this sounds true but I would like to challenge this...how about if the girl is also a friend of the guy?
Anyway,this article also explains why guys don't like to see their girlfriend goes hang out with her platonic guy friends:
First of all,girls and guys are different. Girls can truly just be friends with guys. On the other hand guys can’t just be friends with girls. Guys will pretend that they are strictly platonic friends, but deep down there are generally one or two reasons that they are hanging out with a female. Number 1, the guy has a mini crush on the girl that he is hanging out with and hopes that something will develop in the future. Number 2, he is hoping that the girl brings her friends out so he can make a run at them.
Secondly,guys just like hanging out with guys.It’s not that guys don’t like hanging out with girls, but the potential to hook up is essential.If a guy meets a really cool chick and thinks he has a chance with her, that is when he will choose the girl over his buddies 100 out of 100 times.
Guys,do you agree with what this article says?
Source: http://legacy.barstoolsports.com/article/platonic_friendship_such_thing/3077/
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Haha, well that was a bit sexist... But it is a good description of one perspective, and one way to analyse it.
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (17 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just read this article: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/08/03/relationshipstrategies/is-your-best-guy-friend-thinking-of-you-with-his-right-hand/I like what the writer said,"I don’t really buy that guys put real time and effort into cultivating platonic friendships with women. They only do that with women they hope to hook up with. Most guys have platonic friendships with women whether they want them or not, and they don’t really need to go winning over new women to be best buds with. Besides, guys rely very heavily on each other for friendship; the world of male friendships has always been homosocial.It’s also true in my experience that women are usually the ones who worry about ruining the friendship. A guy will risk the friendship every time to fulfill the fantasy of having sex with you. He knows he’ll have to deal with the fallout, but it will be totally worth it, and he’ll think about that tomorrow. After all, we know which head his brain is in."Do you agree with what it says here?
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (5 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Candid Cally,
WOW!I really like your answer cos it's very informative :-D
Thank you so much!I really enjoy reading it :)
I'm naive and inexperienced.That's why I used to think "it's normal for a lot of people". But now,after reading your post,I think this probably only applies to women but not for men,right?
Well-guessed.I always treat my close male friends like I would every close friend male or female WITHOUT having any romantic feelings for them.I know a lot of girls can do the same even if they spend a lot of time with their close male friends.
"But most men are not accustomed to having close female friends"---if a man has a close female friend,it's always the case that the man likes her as more than a friend.Is this what you mean? What if his close female friend is not attractive or even ugly or acts like a man?
Actually your comment has reminded me of what some other guys used to tell me.Here is the conversation:
I asked,"do you think men and women can have a platonic friendship?"
The guy said,"may be....it's hard for guys but it's easier for girls"
I asked another guy,"when a guy is close to a girl,they can be just good friends or close friends.It doesn't mean anything"
The guy said,"To be honest,when we guys get close enough to a girl,beyond a basic friendship,we tend to automatically think romantically.Girls probably don't think in that way,but we guys do more often"
Do you agree with what these guys said? I'm very much looking forward to your answer again :-D
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (5 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Chigirl,
I like your idea :) but sadly it doesn't ALWAYS help!
This male friend of mine(the one who wants to be my FWB)still kept thinking that I liked him although I used to talk to him about my other crushes all the time!When I told him I didn't like him in that way cos I always told him about my crush I had on other guys.Do you know what he said? He said,"well,it could just be a diversion.You probably talked about them because you wanted to get me jealous.Or you like them all and you like me as well.One man probably is not enough for you"
Oh my god!What should I say?Then I called him 'a narcissit nutjob' LOL Anyway,I've already cut him out of my life LOL
I wouldn't mind if I hang out with my guy friends one on one,but I have to make sure they don't like me in that way!Luckily some of them don't like me in that way and we're comfortable to hang out one-on-one because we see each other as siblings :)
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (5 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cerberus:
I don't think I ever said "There's something wrong with their head because they like me".Please don't get me wrong.
There's NOTHING wrong that they like me(actually I don't think they like me).The reason why I said "what's wrong with their head?" is because these two guys rely on facebook as an indicator of whether I like them.This just doesn't make any sense!People get on facebook because they are bored or have nothing better to do in their real life.I'm obsessed with facebook and I always spend a great deal of time on facebook commenting or posting something on my friends' facebook wall(both male and female friends)! This absolutely has nothing to do with whether I like them or not. I just think these two male friends are narcissists!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 October 2012):
My trick is to always make a point out of how you treat EVERYONE this way. Treat others that way right in front of your male friends, or talk about a crush you have on some other guy, loud and obviously. Make a point out of how interested/in love you are with OTHER men, or make a point out of having a boyfriend (if you have one). Flirt with other guys right in front of them, that's also one way to make sure they will not misinterpret you.
And then keep your distance if you notice someone might be reading too much into things. Don't stop seeing them, just tone down on the amount of contact until you think the coast is clear again.
But for me, I think it's just easier to not have guys as friends, unless I know they are definitely not interested in me. Such as, guys who are married, or are boyfriends of my friends etc. They're cool. Family members are also okay, and work colleuges or study pals, as long as you meet them in a larger group of people and not one on one.
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (4 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo CindyCares:Yes,I admit that I'm naive and inexperienced.To me,I give my close friends(no matter they're male or female)lots of attention(but not EVERY DAY)such as commenting on their facebook wall or liking their comments/status or tagging them in some interesting pictures because I see them as my sisters/brothers.I feel very comfortable around them and really enjoy talking to them,but it doesn't mean I have any romantic feelings for them.I know this has a lot to do with my personality.I'm a VERY bubbly,outgoing,nice and friendly person(This is what my friends told me).I smile and laugh a lot.And I get hyper very easily.Also,as you said,how do we define "lots of attention"? How much is "lots of"? Every day? Every other day?Once a week?Twice a week? Everyone is different..That's prob the reason why some of my male friends misintrepret things when I'm just being friendly to them.
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (4 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Chigirl,Thank you for your answer :)I can be friends with guys but some guys cannot be friends with me,but anyway,thank you for saving me a seat LOLI can totally understand how you feel.Every time I'm just being friendly with my male friends,they think I like them.Every time I drop a big hint to a male friend (who I'm interested in),he thinks I'm just being friendly!Once I sent my male friend(I was interested) a text,"I dreamed about you last night and we were going on a date.I still kept laughing after I woke up". He still didn't take the hint and he took it as a joke!!!I also cooked for him(only him)for a number of times but he thought I was just being friendly and was a good friend! I really wanted to shoot myself at the time!He defo drove me crazy!Quote: "If they don't fall for me then they think I'm crazyily in love with them,and distance themselves from me immediately" ---- Your 'friends' sound like a narcissist who's arrogant....
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 October 2012):
Welcome to the club of women who can not be friends with guys. I saved you a seat!
I can't be friends with guys either. First off all they tend to fall in love with me, because they think I'm interested in them or what not. I'm just friendly, like you. When I flirt with a guy I do it obviously, because guys actually are lousy at reading between the lines! Which is the first clue to this mystery.
If they don't fall for me then they think I'm crazy in love with them, and distance themselves from me immedeately.
Even when I had a boyfriend, and the guys KNEW I had a boyfriend, they still couldn't stick to being just friends. There always had to be something more.
I think it's got to do with who you are, your level of attractiveness. I don't mean physical attractiveness either, but genereally being appealing. Guys get sucked in for that. And, like I said before, they are horrible at reading between the lines. When you're just being friendly they think you like them. When you flirt like crazy they think you're just being friendly.
Best solution: stop trying to be friends with guys. It just doesn't work for everyone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Insensitive ? No. Maybe just inexperienced, or impulsive.
You did not know -but now you DO know and can act accordingly.
If somebody misinterpreting your attentions is not such a big deal ( it should not be, IMO ) and you can defuse the situation and bring it back on track with tact and ease, and a pinch of humour, then keep doing whatever you feel like doing and don't worry .
If, au contraire, it IS a problem and you are going to feel bad about it or fall out with people because of it... then you want to be more reserved and THINK a bit what you are writing or saying to whom and when.
You see, lots of people are not used to receive "lots " of personalized attention - nor to give it. In fact, they don't really feel the need for that in the context of an ordinary friendly exchange. . Like, I don't know .. I love Persian cats and if a male friend ,once in a blue moon , goes to a cat show and sends me the pic of the show winner, ok, cool, thanks. If he'd start sending me EVERY DAY Persian cats' pics and stories and magazine articles, I'd think :" uh-oh, somebody really wants to impress me... " .
I happen to be a woman, but I don't think that men and women are so different in that. Anything noticeably out of the ordinary,.. above and beyond, so to speak.. and they perk up their ears and start wondering why.
It may be that you are a super outgoing, effusive, affectionate type, and if this is what you are, that's fine, you don't need to change your nature.
But also, you don't need to get astonished / scandalized that at times people may get the wrong ideas.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (3 October 2012):
Quote "To CandidCally,
I give my close male friends a lot of time and attention because they're my close friends.They're fun to be around and I enjoy their company.I wouldn't give them any attention or time if they were not my friends...I think this is very normal for a lot of people,right? :) "
No, it isn't 'very normal for a lot of people.' And because it isn't very normal for a lot people, your close male friends think you are interested in them as more than friends because you give them 'a lot of time and attention.'
I know that you don't intend to lead these men on, but that is what you are doing. Despite the progress that has been made in the last century to bridge the gender gap between men and women, it still exists. You may just be treating your male friends like you would every friend male or female. But most men are not accustomed to having close women friends. They see a woman's friendliness and attentiveness as an indication that she is interested in romance or a friendship with benefits.
Men think differently than women do. Biologically, they desire sex more than women. It is their desire to mate that leads them to believe that a close friendship has sexual potential...after all, a man would not put anywhere near as much energy, time, and effort into developing and maintaining a 'close friendship' as you do without expecting more than friendship in return.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
Sorry - but I just had to crack up the title - "Why do GUYS always read into things too much?"
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (3 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Sensitivebloke:
I have no idea how I should change the way I talk to guys...I never try to intentionally flirt with them or anything.I didn't know they got the wrong idea until they came to me and asked me........and then I was very shocked!
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (3 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cindycares:
Thank you for your answer :)
But the point is...I didn't know my close male friend misinterpreted and took it as romantic overtures until they came to me and asked me about this..........I had never thought in that way until they came to me.....Am I too insensitive??
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 October 2012):
" A lot of time and attention to your close male friends "...now, if we start a debate about how much is " a lot of attention " and how much is " too much attention ", and where one exactly draws the line at , I guess it would be pretty sterile because these things are hard to define and everybody has a different comfort zone.
But, it's still quite simple. The proof is in the pudding. If the lots of time and attention you give to your close male friend are ALWAYS misinterpreted and taken as romantic ouvertures, and if that bothers you- then just tune it down and give them somewhat LESS time and LESS attention so there's no risk of misunderstandings.
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (3 October 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo CandidCally,
I give my close male friends a lot of time and attention because they're my close friends.They're fun to be around and I enjoy their company.I wouldn't give them any attention or time if they were not my friends...I think this is very normal for a lot of people,right? :)
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I'm sure you are and i'm sure it's just how you are. But this problem will keep happening unless you change the way you talk to guys cos thy will keep getting the wrong idea!
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (21 September 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo SensitiveBloke:
Oh no,I'm a person who's very nice and friendly to all of my friends,including girls and guys.....
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (14 September 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo person12345,
Thank you for your answer. Yes, i have already unfriended him on Facebook cos he kept pushing me and he Said to me,"it's your loss and your Problem that you dont like me in that Way. You miss Out all the fun!"
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A
female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (14 September 2012):
wanwanzhong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cerberus,
Thank you for your answer.
I think there is a misunderstanding.i am Not being patronizing or anything.
Also,wanting to have Sex with me doesn't necessarily mean that they like me. Friends with Benedikts has nothing to do with Love or romance.so i don't think they like me romantically.they just want to get into my pant.
yes,i admit that i'm naive.i can't take any hint or sign showing that a guy likes me.if any of my Male Friends gives me Attention or Spend a Lot of time with me, i usually think they just See me as One of their Good Friends or close Friends. I can't Tell if they like me romantically or Not.are there any sign showing that a Male friend likes me?
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (11 September 2012):
You asked a question here previously: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-you-think-i-overreactedshould-i-just-stop.html
Guys think you are interested in something more because you are giving them a lot of your time and attention like you are interested in something more. This is especially true if you do not already have a boyfriend.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 September 2012):
 Honestly, I think women are JUST as guilty of this as men are.
If you don't want to date him then be firm and maybe dial it back? I think anyone (male or female) if they get a LOT of attention all of a sudden from the opposite sex friend, it's not really all that FAR-FETCHED that there might be a reason behind it, and that the reason is motivated by emotions.
Keeping platonic friends strictly platonic can be hard for some. Mainly because they don't have firm limits. For instance I have quite a few male friends, always did. But we could tease, wrestle, laugh, talk and cry around each other, but there was no cuddling or flirting. I kept that for guys I was interested in.
You also can't control how others feel or how their "read" you. All you CAN do is tell them if they get the wrong picture.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): But you are interested OP even if that interest is strictly platonic there is interest there and you're a bit naive if you don't think wires can crossed, you know first hand that they do.
I don't get the big deal OP, so what if a couple of your friends admitted they like you, it happens all the time.
I've ended up sleeping with or dating my female friends and my current girlfriend was a close friend of mine when we started going out, the best relationships I've had were with girls who were already my friends because we already knew and trusted each other and got to skip the hassle of the getting to know each other stage.
There is nothing unusual about your situation at all. Disagree with it all you like, when it comes to male/female friendships attraction is a very real possibility because there is an interest in that person regardless of whether it's platonic and feelings can grow out of a close friendship.
No offence to person12345 but I don't see any demands from your friend as to why you won't date him. All I see is a guy who doesn't believe that you don't like him in that way and then chanced his arm tried to become your FWB. For the record I rarely believe a girl who tells me that, so many girls I've been with said that to me and all it meant was try harder and I've even believed those girls only for them to tell everyone I give up too easily or that I mustn't really like them because I didn't keep trying.
OP people love to play games, now my experience is of women who like to play games and "hard to get" is women's favourite game. Can you blame a guy for not giving up when that's what you could have been doing? So many women do it OP that I'd have had hardly any girls in my life if I didn't persist and I took women at their word.
"I really want to know what guys are thinking about?" The same things as you, the only difference in this situation is that they you like you and you don't like them back. Are you seriously trying to tell us that you've never fancied someone and spent time trying to get to know them in the hopes something would happen? Or that maybe you've ended up having feelings for a male friend? What makes what happened with them any different?
If I were you I'd take is a compliment and be proud of the fact that you haven't lead them on or been an ass about it.
"What's wrong with their head?"
What a strange statement to make. There's something wrong with a guy because he likes you? Really OP? Falling for someone is so wrong is it? Or are we all supposed to only like you when you give us permission to like you?
You need to wake up OP and stop being so close minded and patronizing, we're not idiots just because we so happen to like you that much that feelings developed. Besides what does it say about you that you think a guy liking you must be wrong in the head.
You have a lot to learn about life OP, we all don't dance to your tune, if a guy is attracted to you even if it only happened after you became friends then that's very normal and it's going to happen you all throughout your life OP. If this is how you deal with it, with bitterness, resentment and like they're some kind of intellectually challenged weirdo then you're going to have a long dramatic life because you obviously have no clue how these things work, only the way you think they should. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (11 September 2012):
The flip side of the advice given so far is that perhaps you are misreading these guys, OP. Men truly do hate it when they show interest in a woman and give her signs that they'd like to date, only to have her as nothing more than a friend. Guys do not like the dreaded "friend zone".
The reality is, guys have other guys for friendships. If we want to chat or play Xbox there are usually plenty of bro's we can hang with. Sometimes we do see women in a platonic way and will honestly want nothing beyond friendship with them. Often, though, we will see or meet a woman that is a romantic interest, so we begin getting to know her. If she is friendly back and we start becoming closer, that is probably what we see as progress toward a potential relationship. If she puts a break on things with a "we're just friends" speech, it is frustrating, typically.
So I don't agree with the conclusion that these guys have something wrong with their head. Dating and relationships are complicated, and guys are prone to chasing women that are harder to get a date with. It is not unusual at all for a guy to have a crush and work for months at getting closer to a girl. It is also not usual for a friendship to cross over gradually into dating without realizing the transition has happened.
I personally know a couple of girls who for whatever reason get along better with guys, so they have a lot of guy friends. They say things like this all the time, "why did so-and-so come on to me?". The thing is, they don't realize the signals they are giving off, nor are they aware of the sings their guy "friends" are giving them back. In particular, showing that you are thinking about a guy while not with him... guys will see that as a sign of romantic interest EVERY time. He's on your mind, that is the message you sent. There is only one way a guy will ever interpret that.
The golden rule I live by is that, not all the time but certainly a majority of the time, if two straight people of the opposite sex are friends then one probably has a crush on the other (and this holds whether they are single, married, or whatever in between). So if you know you don't have a crush on a guy friend, what does that tell you about him? Right, he probably likes you. I mean he likes you enough to probably date you, or at least get to know you better and possibly head in that direction. He's content to be a friend for now, and maybe holding out hope of becoming more in the future.
"Some people say,"generally, guys think if a woman starts up a conversation with them and seems to be enjoying their lame jokes, company, etc, they are at least somewhat interested so, when you routinely do this, signals can get crossed, they thing you are flirting and embarrasing situations happen" BUT I strongly disagree with this."
Sorry, but that is sage advice. If you are reacting that way around guys, of course they are going to think you're interested. You may disagree with it all you want, but that is exactly how a guy will read into it. Guys expect girls to pick up that they are expressing interest or flirting with her and for her to shut it down by not playing along. If you do play along, you are flirting back.
Finally, as for the guy who you rejected but he wouldn't accept it... he sounds pathetic. I suggest you distance yourself from him, or better yet cut him out of your life completely.
To me, the friend zone has nothing to do with entitlement, it has to do with effort and being led on. If I spend a lot of time and work to get to know a girl, giving signs that I like her along the way and she is sending signals back, then I get frustrated when she places me in the friend zone when I come clean about my feelings. That's what I consider to be a girl playing games with me. Is she interested or is she not? Two different circumstances, and each has their own behavior protocol. Mixing the two does indeed send conflicting signals.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (11 September 2012):
I knew a lady once who had at least half a dozen people think on different occasions that she was interested in them whereas she was just being friendly. Men do get the impression that a woman really likes them if the woman is particularly friendly.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 September 2012):
 This is the entitlement frequently referred to as "friendzoning," a situation where a guy likes a girl, puts friendship in as an "investment" and then expects sex/a relationship in return and gets upset when it doesn't work like that. You didn't do anything wrong.
P.S. Your guy "friend" is an asshole, demanding an explanation about why you won't date him, then trying to tell you that you're obviously wrong about your own feelings. Could he behave any more entitled? You should definitely drop this "friend."
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