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Why do good people always get hurt in relationships?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 June 2009) 14 Answers - (Newest, 2 October 2012)
A male United States age 26-29, *uaris writes:

So why is it that good people always get hurt in relationships? Why is it that when you really are good, caring, honest, and above all loyal to another person you always get screwed over in the end? I have (and not to brag but) been told before by people quite often that I am one of the nicest most respectful, funniest people theyve ever met and I pride myself on making other people happy. I find great joy in that. So why is it that when I carry tht over into a relationship with a girl all I ever get out of it is being lied to and manipulated? Dont most girls complain that they would like to have a nice, smart, funny, relatively atractive boyfriend. One that doesnt smoke, drink, do drugs, cheat, or play girls? So why is it that when Ive tried to give that to someone all I ever get is hurt? I guess this isnt really a question I just kinda needed to get this off my mind. It would be nice to know that maybe other people have been here before too tho...I mean honestly, Ive been told this, I am a very nice person who makes people feel comfortable and happy. Im not exactly amazingly good looking but id probably give myself a 7.5 out of ten? But the point is is why do people get used? I can not fathom ever doing some of the things that have been done to me to other people who I say I care about. Does anyone have anything to comment on about this?

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A male reader, Quintiero United States +, writes (2 October 2012):

I agree but as a gay man I feel the same way. I too have been told that I am way too nice, kind, lovin, and caring for people. I jus want someone to love me for me. Im tired of gettin hurt and used.

Its gotten so bad dat I am always depressed. And my boyfriend doesnt pay any mind to it.

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A female reader, Manda25 United States +, writes (18 March 2012):

Well maybe you should insist on getting counseling with her.Maybe she feels theres a reason to lie and manipulate you. It doesnt nesscasary mean shes using you,maybe she loves you and you guys just need counseling to understand each other. Everyone is always so quick to say dump her,thats not the answer.Marriage is all about working through problems and getting through things together. I say take some time apart from her if you have to a year or so,even see other people if you feel thats cool,but take time apart see how you feel about her because your probably just angry right now,then I say get counseling and try it again, then after the counseling if she doesnt stop then move on.I was dumped because people said dump her,I was denied a second chance for my behavior in the relationship,when I'm sure all we needed to do was get counseling and it would have probably helped us understand each other alot. So dont leave her because you never know what or how she feels about you inside maybe she has mental health issues that she can't control or needs medical help and its kinda not her fault give her that chance if its not too late.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (22 September 2011):

CindyCares agony auntFive stars to sugar sugar. Look inside not outside. When you point a finger to accuse soembody, one finger points at him/her ,but the other four point at you.

If you find yourself constantly lied to and manipulated and the same scenario keeps always showing up-you are not making the right choices, your selection criteria are incorrect, and your instincts are off.

You may have in mind an ideal of woman that you try to " fit " on girls ,with scant or no evidence to show you they match that ideal. You may be lead by wishful thinking there's more in the relationship than there actually is , you may fall in love with the pretty ones just because of their looks neglecting the signs they are real bitches, you may send off insecure vibes who attract users and predators,... I don't know what you are doing wrong because I don't know you but , if it happens more than twice, - it's not just bad luck, and it's not them, it's you.

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A female reader, taiwangirl Taiwan +, writes (22 September 2011):

Hey Luaris and guys who left message there, I'm sorry to hear that but I have the same question too. Why do good ppl always get hurt? I was honest, loyal. nice and don't play game at all but I got dump w/o a reason or explaination?!

I have many friends, lots of ppl like me, I'm sexy and pretty too but I dont' know what's going on that I always got hurt.

Or many this person just not for me, it isn't mean to be?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010):

I think guys like that are wonderful. But, how does anyone really know if a person is honest and loyal? Relationships are a gamble. I wish people wouldnt selfishly cheat.

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A male reader, romanticfox Ireland +, writes (15 December 2010):

I just wanted to let you know your not alone, i have had really bad luck with women to, i also can't understand why some women would want to hurt nice guys,it makes you feel like a complete idiot! I've had girls call me amazingly sweet then were tired of me just abuse me and leave me broken

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (28 June 2009):

I'll give you a little insight. If you're dating women younger than you, then it's probably because they are too immature/inexperienced. Older women (I'm not talking old, like 25 and up) want guys like you. Why? Because most are over their insecurities and over the "bad boys" and really do want a nice guy. They already know what it's like to be shit on themselves and want someone that will treat them right. I'm not saying all. But I'm just speaking about myself and the majority of my single friends. Of course no woman wants a pushover for a man, they want a man that can stand up for himself. But, friendliness and good sense of humor are always top notch in my book and I'm sure in many others'.

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A female reader, Kalyov United States +, writes (28 June 2009):

Kalyov agony auntIn will take you lol.

I have the same problem you have but other way around.

I have been told that I am a very sweet, loyal, and a caring person, which I am. I do not smoke, drink, do drugs, cheat, or play as well.

But every relationship I have been in just ends up in hurt...they cheat and play me and I don't know why.

I am tired of being used and don't understand why I a nice girl can;t find someone that will not do that to me. They all seem nice in the start then then turn out not to be....so I feel we kinda have the same problem here.

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A female reader, sugar_sugar United States +, writes (28 June 2009):

sugar_sugar agony auntTo answer your question, it is because even nice people make bad choices. If you are finding yourself constantly in relationships where you're being lied to and manipulated then you need to question the decisions you are making, rather than the person you are.

I think you need to be more discerning. Look at the kind of females you've been attracted to in the past and the qualities they possess, avoid going for the same personality types.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Luaris, it is called 'Life 101'. Yes, "nice people" get screwed and dumped on all the time. Ya know what? Creeps and toads also get dumped on all the time, male and female. (smile) Now, "what the heck is Tom talking about"?? He is talking about life, my young friend. What you are experiencing is what is called "adolescence angst". You will suffer through it for a few more years. Yes, it is the pits. The very pits. But, it will pass, believe me, it will pass. It is the worst thing you have ever felt up till now. But, two years from now, you will laugh about it. Not posssible? Oh, yes...possible,...for sure, Luaris, for sure. Take care, my friend,..laugh much. Oh! I almost forgot! There is a girl out there who is suffering as much as you. You will meet her if you keep your head up and out of the dirt!

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (28 June 2009):

QuirkLady agony auntYay, my favorite subject! LOL

1) Sometimes givers attract takers. It's just a fact of life that not everyone in the world is a good person, and the bad ones are always on the lookout for the next person to use. A taker can spot a kind, giving person from a mile away and zoom in...making their chosen victim feel like the most loved person in the world before taking them for everything they have.

2) Perhaps you are repeating something in your past. If you come from a dysfunctional family, you might unconsciously be repeating the same problems you experienced growing up because it's familiar. It's why children of alcoholics often marry alcoholics and abused children marry abusers. It takes a strong person to break out of that cycle.

3) Maybe it's you. If you're having bad relationships over and over again, the only common denominator is you. Are you the guy who bends over for his girlfriend and put her on a pedestal? Do you follow her around like a puppy and tell her she's too good for you? (Hint: she is.) Insecurity is one of the biggest turnoffs for both sexes. A person who stands up for himself/herself and what s/he believes in is ten times sexier than a doormat who always agrees. That does not mean being an asshole; it means you respect yourself and you don't let anyone mess with your boundaries or disrespect you.

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A male reader, Overture to Don Giovanni United States +, writes (28 June 2009):

Overture to Don Giovanni agony auntwow, i agree w/ you 100%! i understand how you feel b/c i feel that way. i've had this female friend online & i've been nothing but caring, loving, & nice to her & now out of the blue, she's treating me like garbage! i've been extremely confused as to why out of nowhere, she's treating me poorly. i actually told her basically everything you said in your post, you know, why do good caring people like you & i get used & treated like scum when all we are is nice & affectionate. this girl has even told me she hates me! i mean, wtf! i need some answers & i need 'em now! lol anyway, it makes no sense but just like you, i can never envision myself treating people badly like they have treated me. again, it makes no sense & just to let you know, you are not alone in feeling this way my friend. take care

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A female reader, Rimsha Pakistan +, writes (28 June 2009):

being overly caring and good might not be a very good thing!! change your attitude and i hope you'll find someone who will truly love you...its always better to be moderate in your relationships..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

not to deflate your bubble, but most (not all) people can be complete animals at times. "nice" people don't recognize this fact and thus don't make solid rules and boundaries with the animal/manchild/womanchild that they have chosen to love. we live in a world that hasn't caught up to our ideals yet. who knows if we ever will? not even jesus (the nicest person in the history of mankind according to some people), was spared the harsher realities of life. for your own sake, you should just accept getting hurt as a fact of life, no matter who you are as a person, and try to learn what you can from it. only self pity and regret will bring you down and turn you into one of them. keep your head out of the gutter or the clouds and be humbled to know you are part of the human race and thus will never be able to totally escape the selfish nature of mankind as it manifests itself in 6 billion differing faces, including your own.

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