A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've never quite understood why some people seem to settle for certain relationships....case in point:one of my best friends is in a relationship in which her bf was caught almost going across the country to meet up with his ex...he didn't tell her ahead of time, of course, so she got pissed and it was 'over'. took his stuff out of her house,etc. well guess what? back together a few days later. and the origin of their relationship is sketchy too, both were on the rebound, met at work, and quickly became 'together'. confusing to me, someone on the outside who hasn't ever been in a relationship, but was present from the outset of this situation. i guess it bothers me just because this girl is one of my closest, best friends, and i know she could do so much better (however cliche that phrase is) then her current bf, who is a nice guy and all, but just seems to be flaky (esp. in light of this recent development of almost sneaking around). another part of it undoubtedly must be how i secretly feel about my friend. we are good, solid friends, but i wouldn't ever be able to be in a relationship with her, i don't think, so part of my judgment of the situation must stem from some kind of latent jealousy/desire that comes from my situation as a 23 year old virgin who has never been in a relationship, much less kissed/on a real date/etc. it's like my own shortcomings in that area are playing a factor. but the underlying question is this: why do girls seem to settle for people that can keep them satisfied for a short-term? is it a kind of weakness caused by a breakup (which is the case here), or something else? either way, it's a challenging situation for me to try to figure out on my own.
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a break, at work, best friend, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): No one is perfect; romance in the Hollywood sense is a lie (sorry to break it to you). That said, whoever you are with, you'll both be settling. Part of the problem is that you have incomplete knowledge of your 'perfect solution' and even if you did, you wouldn't be able to sample enough bodies to find it, if it even existed after constraining for location, age, religion, relationship status, etc.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Usually because they cant be on their own and anyone is better than no one. Open to being taken advantage of in that case.
Your mates guy sounds like an ex of mine, nice guy, but slippery as hell. Deception, secretive and lots of edges to them which leaves you on a rollercoaster the whole time you're dating them.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (21 August 2008):
The main reason people settle for less then what they deserve is due to insecurity. They dont see themself as a good enough person to be able to gain or even deserve better.
Other reasons may be that they come from a bad family, or havent had any strong positive examples of a healthy relationship in there life so they dont understand waht is a good and a bad relationship, they may think that being treated badly is actually normal and acceptabe, so they settle for less.
Sometimes when you date a guy, they are so great in the beguining and you fall in love. So at that point you are not setteling for less. But then slowly the guy treats you badly...but its kind of too late as you are already in love. So for many people its hard to leave someone who you lvoe even if they treat you badly. So in that situation they may stay with somoene even though they do deserve better, for love.
In relation to your situation in particular, it is possible that your friend fits any of those categories, but i dont really know here so i cant really say.
I understand your jealousy and I think that you should be proud of yourself for sticking by and being her frined. I know alot of guys who woudlnt stick around and be a girls friend which they likd if she had a bf.
It must be really hard for you to do that and even worst when you have to stand by and see her get treated badly.
I disagree with a previous response saying you should 'support' your friend in basically whatever she does. If this guy is treating her badly then you dont have to support that. I was once in a really badly abusive relationship, i would tell my friends what was going on and they stuck to beleif that friends should support you in whatver you do. So, they made excuses for my bf, saying it will be alright and so on...they never onve said 'you deserve better then this jerk' because they thought that would be wrong as a frined.
Hope this has helped
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Relationships are pretty much completely unscrutable from the outside. Trying to understand why someone stays with someone--or why someone doesn't--is impossible for anyone who isn't in that relationship because you can never know all the dynamics at play. How they really are when they're together, what each of them wants in a relationship, what their end goals are...no two relationships look the same or function the same.
The most important thing here, though, is not to understand why your friend is with her boyfriend. She is and that is enough--support her where you can, but it would be a very good idea for you to start putting more focus on your own romantic life. There is no benefit to ruminating on the details of someone else's relationship, when you could be out there forming your own relationship to scrutinize. Don't use confusion over your friend's motivations as a defense against you getting yourself out there.
Best of luck.
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