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Why do bright attractive women fall in love with married men? Help me understand

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 December 2005) 34 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2008)
A female , *illyme writes:

I am a 38 yr old attractive, intelligent woman. My problem is that I am in love with a married man. His marriage is loveless there is no physical contact and has not been for 3 years. He has 2 children 11yrs 4 yrs owns his own business and several other financial interests....he is leaving his wife...why am I in a relationship with someone who can only give me 1 hour a day during the week and a couple more on the weekends and a couple nights away together each month...I have tried to make myself understand this...I also cannot talk to my friends about this our relationship would not be good public news for our children please tell me why women do this...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008):

You are in that relationship because you think that's all you deserve otherwise you'll be busy with something else and looking for a healtier relationship. Take dancing lessons and look for a hot single man. Don't waste your time with a married man

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

Would it make any difference if he was married or not? Don't you wish he wasn't? Maybe it's just that you fell for the wrong guy. Having an enjoyable affair with a disastrous married man.. is just bad luck, whereas having a disastrous affair with an enjoyable married man - could be pathological. Good Luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007):

If you have a affair with a married man.what makes you think he won't cheat on you later down the road.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

I am 38 and have been in an affair with a married man for two years .I have known him since I was 24 and have always adoured him. He has been there as a friend over our 14 years of knowing each other. I don't ask about his realtionship with is wife , when we are togther it is our time and its just amazing and loving , am I entirely happy in this relationship , no ,of course I would love more , ... but I take it for what it is ...do I want out yes ..I know he will never leave his wife , but that is easier said than done.Am I pround of it ...no .I have no excuse for my selfish desire to spend time with him....But I am a consenting adult and so is he .I will not ask anything of him , he gives his time freely when he can and I give mine . I don't have photos of him , shared weekends or holidays ..but just because I don't have tangible evidence if our relationship doesn't make it any less real. I went in with my eyes wide open, and I take the pain of the raltionship with the highs. it will come to an end I know , but every thing does at some point or another .Everyone has to grab a little happiness when and where they can.Its not ideal and I don't recomend it to anyone but neither will I judge anyone who goes down this road. we are all adults and must have the tanasity to carry our own convictions . Dont whine , if any one is in an an affair the reality is it suits both parties .When that stops its time to get out ..... and who ever ends it ..they must be respected for that decisiosn . I am working on it .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007):

Please don't been fooled by what a married man says regarding his personal life with his wife. Unless you know his wife and she has told you, please do not believe. All married men going through a bad patch will not tell the truth.

If he is really true to his world, wait until he leaves his wife and sets up his home, then see him and only then.

Men are always looking for some gullible woman to take pity on them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007):

You need to tell him that you are not going to tolerate this behavior any longer and that he needs to file for divorce or lose you. If he continues to find excuses then you need to confront his wife and bring this to the surface. He'll then be put in a postition to make a choice, but as long as you allow him to continue this behavior he will. Do not allow yourself to be second best to anyone! You deserve respect and if he isn't going to give it to you then tell him to get lost. If he really loves you he'll leave her for you. Put him on the spot and if he doesn't confront her then you should!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007):

I am dating a married man with 2 small kids, met him while he was separated we broke up for awhile, then he reconciled with his wife, they we got back together. I don't see anything wrong with it, I'm not the one who took the marriage vows. This week my mother celebrated her 14th year anniversary to her married man she had an affair with, so no I don't see it as a problem.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007):

i think that it is a shame that you have to look at a married man as someone you're in love with. he may tell you that he's leaving her, but do you really think so? he has the best of both worlds, and he's not giving that up for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007):

I've had the same problem women. I fell in love with a married man, who was attending law school with me. Not only was I homesick, I had other issues going on at home where I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on. His marriage fell apart years ago after his wife engaged in a threesome with a couple that they were best friends with. He'd been seperated on and off with his wife, his kids and his finances were his main concern. His wife was employed, and he loved his kids too much to leave them. Just recently he broke it off with me, where I cried for 4 hours with him, and then later for hours. I've never felt so stupid and undergone so much pain for getting myself into a situation that I had so much control over. It all began with us talking, one thing led to another, phone conversations, dinners, lunches, meeting during school, etc. All I can say is I will never do it again. I guess all married men give the other woman a few hours during the week and weekend, numerous texts and emails. He feels bad because he thinks hes selling out on love, since the only reason I fell for him was because he was always telling me I was such a robot, that I didnt tell him how I felt. A true genuine caring individual. I guess when I did open up, and did start telling him how I felt, is when I was my most vulnerable. I vow though from now on to keep my guard up, no matter what any man says. And never to commit such a stupid mistake. The sad part is we have 6 more weeks of school, I have no clue how I'm going to get through this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007):

We fall for married men becasue we don't believe in forever any more. So being with a man that treats you like a goddess even if it is not "forever after" is better than being with the one that cheats on you. If all relationships today end in failure it is easy to get involved in one that is doomed to fail. Your expectations are different. So you enjoy the time that you have together knowing that when the love fades you can leave him with out the heart ache.

As for the man that is so sure about the fact that a every man is still doing his wife......well the last two years of my marriage was loveless and it wasn't my choice....so whoever he was giving it to sure wasn't me. The last 2 years with no sex and yet he begged me to stay.

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A female reader, mountainmama +, writes (22 February 2006):

I have to agree with the anonymous male at the bottom of the page; married men know how to treat you like a goddess and do not intrude on your life. Most single men do not treat women well (unless you are blonde, size 2 and under the age of 30, that is.) I will be the first to tell ya, there are not that many nice single men out there, so don't listen to those who say there are (they have not been out dating lately.) However, married men very rarely leave and since both the marriage and affair are built on lies they respect neither you nor their wives. However, the wife is stuck with him and you are not. She will stay because she has someone to pay her way through life and you already are paying your way through yours.

It is better to fly solo with your dignity and integrity intact than to continue down this road. Believe me, I have walked in your shoes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S and M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

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...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Married men are great...you get the romance, the sweet gifts and the happy kind gentleman.

You Don't get...the soiled underware to wash, the credit card bills to argue over, or your holidays ruined by his company.

If you choose to date married guys...at least understand the rules.

1. He may love you...but he will never ever, ever, ever leave his wife for you if he has not done it in the first six months. (and if he does..you probably won't be the person he ends up with...reality(and child support) will set in)

2. Unless she's in a full time care hospital or a body cast...NO MATTER HOW FAT he says SHE ISHE IS having sex with his wife. And he IS enjoying it even though he tells you it was never like it is with you. (Man phrase for...my wife lets me do her sister and their best friend and take pictures... so sex with you requires much less effort...no camera angles to worry about!)

3. If he's great in bed...rest assured...his wife (the cold fish) probably taught him everything he knows.

4. You are his mistress. A sex toy. Deal with it. You are not his soul mate, true love or anybody he can't live without.(nor should he be more than a sex toy for you) He will try to make you believe these things...as long as you are willing to supply the free buffet...he will keep returning for your fine service.

5.If you like to travel alone to exotic locations during the holidays...you will always be free to do so. You will be traveling alone, just as you prefer, because he will be occupied doing family stuff then and he won't be bothering you as you sip pina Coladas on the beach.

6. You may love him....but never, never, never be IN LOVE with him. Unless you are into all that S&M torture stuff...then feel free to fall in love and have your heart ripped out every so often. (one of my favorites is "I can't get a divorce right now...she..she...she just told me she's got cancer...sniff. We will just have to keep us a secret until...its...sniff over..." insert pleading, sad martyr-ridden eyes. "But I know you can make me forget my sorrow for a little while...on Tuesday and Friday? Until we can be together forever?" This is a fantastic long term excuse because when you catch he and his healthy looking wife out to dinner...he can always say how thankful he was that she'd had a good day.

7. Do not buy expensive gifts for him(the wife will destroy them when she finds out and at some point he will probably confess EVERYTHING...and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING)...and for goodness sake don't become attached to his children...or any other family members...whom you will probably never actually meet in person unless it's accidental.

8. Don't send him pictures of yourself naked with your camera phone or digital. (The wife will find the most creative ways of Useing them...should she catch you. Of course once your naked on the internet...it can lead to many new and interesting dating oppertunitys...if this is what you were seeking.)

9. Don't pick up the tab for dinner. YOur services are worth SOMETHING!

10. And most important. If the wife ever confronts you. You tell her that it is YOUR fault and that he always professes his great love for her. He has never wanted to leave her...he was just scared because he's afraid he was old and not pleasing her anymore and needed a little ego boost. (See...this is probably the real facts anyway and you have stolen enough from this woman...at least give her a little peace, hope and dignity. THEN Move on to the next Toy and be Happy knowing you have done your good deed for the day)

IF you CAN'T live by these rule.....DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN...You don't get it...and boy will you ever pay for your own stupidity!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2006):

I dont know why. I am having an affair after divorcing my husband for adultry. It is with a man who i should have been with 10 years ago, we were really close but i couldnt make my mind up wether i wanted to be with him and so he went and met someone else. We have been seeing each other for a couple of months and it is only for a couple of hours a week. I am probably making a huge mistake but i cant bring myself to stop at this moment in time. Im hoping that i will come to my senses soon before it all ends in tears.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006):

I am a married man. I have been married 23 years. 17 years ago my wife asked me to have a vasectomy. Since then she has not had sex with me and I have been faithful because I was also a father, a point about motive for fidelity despite a cold marriage that your debate is missing somewhat. The ending of sex was immediate - many couples have a gradual ending. I think we had problems bringing up our children that would have been non existent if we had slept in the same bed. 2 years ago, I needed some affection as I was developing glaucoma (now halted) at an exceptionally early age. None was there. I took a concrete decision to look for another woman. I have been doing business in Russia for 10 years so I looked up an internet site listing women from the city I visit. I didn't know what I wanted. Right at the top of the list was a woman I had known on and off for 8 years. She had a nervous breakdown (agrophobia & anorexia) 4 years previously after difficulties with her boss, the provincial governor who expected his MBA holding young women to behave like a harem.. I already thought of her as one of the most intelligent people I knew and even by the standards of Russians she was very attractive - as in huge amounts of style to make the most of herself. Despite claims of a shortage of men in Russia whe was never short of admirers. She was the only woman I contacted. I claimed I wanted an affair but the moment we met again the only thing I wanted to do was have enough time with her to convince her to marry me. I really was like meeting someone you had waited for all your life. We didn't have sex, Russians (just) over 40 share a lot of Puritanism with nearly extinct British Protestants. Everything emotional was very intense, perhaps even because we were holding off sex until we sorted out our heads. As far as I could tell she wanted the affair with me because she had had such an history of abusive relationships that building in a reason to fail was a protection mechanism for her. Things ended in the 36 hours it took me to reach her city from the UK enroute to propose. When I left we were making plans to see each other, visit the Circus etc. When I arrive her face was covered with streaks of mascara and she alternately thumped me and hugged me at the airport bus stop for about ten minutes before disappearing never to be seen again (This is an agony column). She didn't come home for a week but stayed with a friend so her mother & son, both on my side could not persuade her back. Clearly I am attracted to or attractive to somewhat neurotic women and perhaps that is also a factor in bright, attractive (overacheiving) women falling for married men - there is an exit route if it all gets too much.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006):

I am your beautiful intelligent woman of 32 who has just recently discovered that I can be a mindless fool and is mostly out of tune with the big picture. After a relatively smooth breakup with my 7 year partner, I jumped off the relationship track into the sights of a married man. After four days of the most amazing sex and passion I have ever shared with another, he told me he was married. (Can we say LOSER already?) Living in my 'now' at the time, I decided to say the hell with it and carry on seeing him until the wife got back into town. I figured, whats a few more days. We ended it, and of course he contacted me. And I couldn't resist. It was all way too exciting to pass up. My ego was loving the attention and adrenaline from the relationship. I new nothing about him. Knowing it was wrong, I decided to try to stay as far away emotionally as possible. That lasted two months and refused to hear anything about his family or his child. Then it all broke open somehow, as these things do when you spend every available moment together and we fell...Leaving the city of where he lived has been the only way to stop seeing him. It has been a hard run to not sms or email and I still think about him every spare moment of my day. It sucks. I hate knowing he is with his wife and not with me. But there is nothing to do now but move on...

I was reading a book called "he's just not that into you" by the sex and the city authors (a good one) and it helped. There is a chapter on married men and it says... If its you and its really you, and your "the one" and are meant to be together, leave him to sort out his mess and you to look for other options in the mean time. There are certain to be a few single men out there worth a look and get your mind off things and remember when you want to call to make sure he's still thinking about you...don't worry, he is... "YOU ARE NOT EASILY FORGOTTEN." And if you find that certain someone who can stroke your ego equally and more frequently then him, you may just be able to chase him out of your head...which is a good thing, as he was never yours to begin with.

For me, I certainly did not mean for it too happen, fall in love with a married man that is, nor did I think it would be so hard to get him out of my head. Thank God I am smarter than you...the space and the distance between us helps the "BIG PICTURE" become more clear and really, would I ever trust him if me and him were real anyways? I still wonder about that one. If its meant to be, it will be. But for now, right now, I'm going on a date! Don't BE THAT GIRL....the one who wakes up with gray hair and tired eyes who has been following around somebody elses husband for 20 years and realizes now that maybe you should date...get out while you still got some appetite and sex drive...your worth it!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005):

I am in a similar situation. I began working with a man about a year ago on a project. He came into town a couple times a month and each time he did we met to work on the specific project. We immediately became friends, as we both found it easy to open up to each other. I also felt he was a good listener and could offer me good advice on my situation. At the time we met, I was entering my 7th year of marriage and it was failing. My husband and I shared no similar interests and had come to the point in our relationship in which we knew it would be over. We had separate beds and separate lives. I found this new man in my life someone I could talk to and relate to, as he told me his marriage was similar...lost love, sleeping separate and living separate lives. At the time we became friends and started sharing our stories, we honestly had no intentions of ever starting an affair ourselves.

Then four months ago, my husband decided it was time to end the "hell we were living in"...that was his words...and he filed for divorce. Within a week after my husband filed, I found myself opening up to the other man about our problems and in his arms. He did not take advantage of my during my vulnerable state...honestly, I acted first. Since that night, we have began an affair. I see him as often as I can when he comes into town. I will drop everything to see him and spend time with him. The time we spend together is some of the best times I've ever had in my life. He makes me feel so great. In the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that I am falling in love with him.

I have read 100's of articles online saying that affairs with married men will leave you empty and broken, but is there any hope that we might surpass the odds and actually have a lasting relationship?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2005):

Why do men and women have affairs? Because it’s so much easier to lie to ourselves than face the truth. We’ve convinced ourselves that we are in love, how can we walk away from that? But the fact is affairs are built on fantasies; Love is built on respect. And if you really want to find the true nature of your relationship just tune out everything he tells you, and more importantly everything you tell yourself, and you will see things as they really are. Because character reveals itself in actions, not words.

So let’s examine your “love” and see if it can pass the test of honest scrutiny. What is he actually doing? He is cheating on his wife. A woman he once loved. But he does not respect her, or himself, enough not stop. Because the brutal truth is marriages end everyday. Parents share custody everyday. So if he is unwilling or unable to end the marriage he is more invested in it than he admits, even to himself.

And what is he doing to you, the woman he loves? He is willing to accept the sacrifice of your happiness, of your life, because he is in a really difficult situation. So in essence, he is unwilling to make the sacrifice FOR you that he is willing to accept FROM you. Hmm. Interesting. But again, remember; don’t listen to his explanations, excuses, justifications, rationalizations, etc. You cannot trust him, not because he is lying to you, but because his lying to himself.

But what about you? You are not a victim in this. You probably knew he was married when this all started. And the truth is, no matter how bright you are you are obviously very insecure on some level to be willing to accept so little. Why else would you have allowed yourself to become attracted to an unavailable person? Because a married man can’t really reject you, right?

And by the time you admitted what was happening between you, you had convinced yourself that he was the “one”, right? But by then you were in too deep, because who wouldn’t be willing to give up everything for someone who could make you feel so special, at least for a few hours a week. And the more you sacrifice, the more you prove yourself to him. This is love, right?

The truth is you don’t feel you have anything to give anyone, except sacrifice. A single man doesn’t need you the way an unhappily married man does. And you need to be needed. Because if you really loved and respected him, you would also respect his marriage. If he was an alcoholic would you offer him a drink, even if he begged and pleaded? No of course not. Because you love him enough not to hurt him. So in all honesty, you are using him as much as he is using you.

And yes, we know you’re sorry. Everyone is sorry. But talk is cheap. What you do and how you live is the only truth that can be trusted. But go ahead, lie to yourself, hide in the shadows and live in the land of “if only…” The real world is obviously too much for you to handle.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005):

1st off NEVER believe there is NO physical contact....

is a lie if that were true they would devorce by now

also if he is cheating to be with you someday he will cheat on you. sry I think you can do better there plenty men out ther I suggest KEEP LOOKING

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005):

I'm with you on that. I am also in love with a married man. He has 3 kids age 4, 2, and 3 months. I dont know how it happened. I never thought that I would be able to love someone who obviously is in love with someone else. If he didnt love his wife he wouldnt stay with her right? He says its because he doesnt want to be away from his children and that makes me love him more. I only get to see him for 2 hours total during the week and a few hours on the weekend if i'm lucky. I feel so sad and lonely 90% of the time because I wonder why I cant be enough. And I know i'm a horrible person for dating a man who is married and has kids but, I fell in love and im scared to walk away. And the worst part is, I know that its a lie when he tells me he loves me because if he did then he would want to be with me. I'm so stupid for getting myself into this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2005):

Our stories are strangely similar. I have also found myself in love with a married father of two for almost 3 years. He also claims he's not sleeping with his wife - and hasnt been for some time. I dont know why I have stayed for as long as I have.... I just know that loving someone who cant give you 100% leaves you feeling very empty and alone. The truth is (as much as it hurts to admit) we deserve better... we deserve 100%.

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A female reader, Sami +, writes (8 December 2005):

He is lying. He is having sex with his wife and you. Men like variety and if he can get away with it, he will. He loves his wife and you are the variety. Ask him to leave her and go with you and see what he says. Amen

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005):

I think the premise of 'intelligence' is suspect. In retrospect, these women have all fallen for the same old story and a really just as gullible as any bimbo out there.

How did you even 'fall in love' with him in the first place? Were you spending time with him and putting yourself in situations together that were inappropriate given that he was married? Now that wasnt so smart was it- because you had an easy choice then to save yourself from being in what is a jam now.

Anyway I think the reasons are:

- they fall for the sob story- nobody understands him but you! He is trapped without love!

- they are flattered that he is esteeming them very highly by ignoring his marriage vows and picking them over

his wife.

- they have more control over this than a normal relationship- the constant threat of exposure gives them leverage.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005):

Good question...An intelligent, attractive women who has an affair with a married man is "not" so intelligent after all, is she? Not all bright, attractive women have affairs-some never do. It comes down to choices. Affairs generally involve great sex, at least enough sex to create a secret that seals the conspiratorial alliance of the affair, and makes the relationship tense, dangerous, and thus exciting. There's that old adage "smart women know fun when they see it" Hey it great to have fun but not at the expense of another woman's marriage and family. Sex drives the heart and women, even bright women fall for it everytime. Then in which case..she not thinking with her brain-she's thinking with her heart. I assure you, there is not a woman alive who does not realize the effect she can have on a married man but having an affair with him..doesn't make her awfully intelligent then, does it?

Of course, attractive, intelligent women, as well as the other women will appeal to a lot of married men. He didn't die, did he? But..many married men don't let it go this far because this is where their commitment and character come into focus and they become major players in the life of their marriage. You my dear, have a married man who just can't drop the ego massage and he's a cad. First thing I would do in your shoes is toughen up your boundaries quite a bit and dump this "friend."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005):

"I am a 38 yr old attractive, intelligent woman" -not hardly. "His marriage is loveless there is no physical contact and has not been for 3 years"-I've got some swamp land to sell, interested? "He has 2 children 11yrs 4 yrs"-What kind of selfish monster are you? "he is leaving his wife"-Why don't you start holding your breath now and do everyone a favor.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (7 December 2005):

eyeswideopen agony auntThe first response is crap. This is hardly a "mostly perfect" relationship. Not only does an affair: crush and humiliate the wife, it devastates innocent children; it turns the other woman into a sluttish home wrecker, and finally reveals the husband for the dishonorable cad that he is. There are no winners in an adulteress affair. Marriage and respect for marriage are a true test of a person’s character. You flunk.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005):

Dating a married guy, or gal, is " safe". They can't intrude too much on your life, unless you let them, because they are very vulnerable. Its easy to fall for married people. They are practiced at the game of romance, and can be a lot of fun. They usually know how to treat you like a Queen, and who can't be overwhelmed by that? Give yourself a break, and relax. If he is going to divorce his wife, he should get about doing it. Otherwise, find someone else. Right now he has someone doing his laundry and cooking, and you to have fun with. Why would he want to change that?

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A female reader, Mirabell +, writes (7 December 2005):

Mirabell agony auntThe real reason women do this? It is the perfect relationship--mostly. Sociologically speaking, married men live longer than single men. Single women, however, live longer than married women (it is true--look it up!). You love it because you get the sex, the sweetness, and all the benefits. Plus, you get butterflies in your stomach because somewhere inside you you know that he already has a lot going on . . .so if he is risking it all just to be with you that means you're really worth something.

Dating married or involved men has a million benefits, and only two drawbacks.

First, you don't get true intimacy (which is fine for some women who don't have time in their life for a full on relationship)

Secondly, and most importantly (meaning the reason why any woman I know has stopped seeing a married man) is the wife. Odds are, no matter what he says (and they all say it the wife is sexless, cold, like they're 'not even married') she loves him enough to stay with him, and you're breaking her heart.

There is such a thing as karma. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Dating a married man is like hovering over the dessert bar. It won't enrich you, and you know it's bad. So move along already, before you're stuck with emotional thunder thighs.

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