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Why do all the girls cheat on me?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 June 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2011)
A male United States age 26-29, *arthagodelendaest writes:

So I just found out my girlfriend is cheating on me. This has become a pattern. Every girlfriend I've ever had ended up sleeping with someone else. Right now I'm finding it difficult to trust women. My best friend says I need to go out and be a player, get some notches under my belt for confidence. Thing is, I don't want that. I just want a nice girl I can trust. Is that too much to ask? Do all women just want some guy to fuck them and leave?

View related questions: best friend, confidence, player

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A male reader, FFFunny Guy Canada +, writes (30 March 2011):

@Spanner (but not solely to you)

No offense, but I do not buy your argument at all. What you're essentially saying is: When a girl cheats, it's the guy's fault; when a guy cheats; it's the guy's fault. See where I am going here? You ignore that there is a chance for a women to be horn-dogs or jerks. You're playing off of stereotypical gender roles, and in a modern Western society, as we all know, gender roles are being shattered every single day. Most of all you're denying any of the possible blame that a cheating woman has; you're legitimizing an action which should not even happen even if a guy does not meet a girl's needs. It is an action which, regardless of circumstance, is UNACCEPTABLE.

What ever happened to directness and openness? If a guy is not meeting your needs, it's time to break up with him, or communicate with him directly. Quite frankly, if you are being direct with him, then he would get the message, and you'd be able to REPAIR the tension that exists. Guys can only improve themselves when they are consciously aware of the deficiencies they might have. You can't repair something if you go ahead and open your legs to other guys behind your boyfriend's back. That logic makes no sense, whatsoever. If you are being direct with a guy, and they are not reforming their own actions, then he is not the man for you; break up with him.

Which gender cheats more should not matter. The fact of life is, regardless of these statistics, BOTH genders cheat, so BOTH genders should feel justified in feeling a certain amount of skepticism in a relationship. Mere statistics are faceless, and often the conductors of statistics will purposely implement bias in their sample. There are more holes in the effectiveness of a survey; I can name some more if you'd like. The fact of the matter is that this timeless debate about who cheats more is completely insignificant if you try to apply it to a personal-level anecdote. These situations should be approached on a personal level - will a statistic repair a relationship? No, it will not. All a statistic is capable of doing is turning this whole topic of cheating into a contest where each gender tries to bash the other one. This is not a healthy way to approach a situation.

I am going to pick on something Spanner said, again. If you are in love with your Ex, then why not save the guy you're with the heart-ache? Even if he's the most boring guy, or even if he is not giving you what you want in the relationship, no person deserves to have his heart stepped on.

Going back to the concept of statistics, is it right to base a judgment of someone based off of a trend or a statistic? Love is a very personal, very intimate, idea, so why would one govern their decisions on a percentage, which, to again be quite frank, is faceless, and the polar opposite of intimacy.

In my experience, I have had 2 women cheat on me. I knew that I was not neglecting them, or, similarly drowning them. We had very sparky relationships, and in both cases, these women started acting cold and very boring towards me. I would always ask them if there is something the matter (directness), or if there's something I can help with, and both times they would always reply "Oh, no, nothing's the matter - what gave you that idea?"... and in both instances I would state "well, you've been acting quite cold towards me, and to be honest I wondered why" (directness again). Turns out, in both instances I would not find out about their cheating ways until it was too late.

Even given these experiences, I would never think of lumping all females together in the same category. I know of some really great women, and the woman I am dating right now is amazing in every single way. What good does this question of "who cheats more" do in the context of a relationship? The answer which I would state would be "Absolutely nothing".

Jerks exist everywhere. They have both male and female organs. Gender does not discriminate when picking who will end up being a cheater.

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A male reader, Kristoffson United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2010):

@Spanner

This is nonsense. If you have proof of it then post the source of your stats.

Around half of my male friends have had girlfriends who have cheated on them, but not one of my male friends have cheated. Around half of my felmale friends have cheated, and only 1 that I know of who has been cheated on. I know 2 marriage break-ups, both times the reason has been because the woman has had an affair. I have been cheated on by 4 girls, but not once have I cheated on someone. These stats do not reflect real life my my opinion.

I am not saying that men do not cheat, they do. What I think is they cheat just as often as women, if not less often. The difference is when a woman cheats the man she is with is more inclined to forgive her for doing it, whereas when a man cheats a his girlfriend/wife will rarely forgive. The lack of forgiveness brings the act of cheating out into the open, the woman looks fo revenge and punishment. So where forgiveness covers it up, lack of forgiveness blows it up. This has fueled the false belief that men cheat more than women, and this false belief transfers into our media (films etc) which impacts upon the culture and why of thinking.

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A male reader, iantheloving United Kingdom +, writes (30 October 2010):

iantheloving agony auntHi, my heart goes out to the guy who started this post, and what rcd anonymous says is pretty good.

Having been in your position I decided to abstain from any sexual relationship until i could come to terms with who i became to cope with that woman and find out what makes me tick instead, though every part of me wanted to fill the big hole with women women and more women. Good and trusted friends, out on a camping trip sorted this out for me round the campfire, it was the foundation that started a new journey.

Some tips:

1. Switch your phone off, at least you have some form of control over whats important to you and she will try and tell you different.

2. Rely on what your trusted friends say, especially if they are a couple, the old saying "you cant see the wood for the trees is true" when your in breakup mode, they have no strong emotional involvement with this women only a desire to see the "you" that they love, back on an even keel and in perfect operation again, they know that you attracted this woman because of your qualities, she came to you because she has a problem that needs fixing, and lo and behold(whatever that means but suffice to say eurika), a human cant fix another humans problems.

I will post more when the time is right, have a young girlfriend to love just now.

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A female reader, lily1234 United Kingdom +, writes (22 October 2009):

its funny i found your question when i was trying to find out why men cheat im always afraid of committing to a guy cuz im scared theylld cheat...im a good person never cheated on a guy, but i have left them when i found that i was falling in love cuz i was scared theyll hurt me...i dont want to be the broken hearted girl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009):

Hi mate tbh some girls are players and the saying goes the decent people are either marryied or gay. or taken or dnt seem to be interested i have sort of the same problem but now i can't get confidence to go out and get girls i understand full mate

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009):

Load of crap, women cheat just as much as men do. Only reason it seems that men cheat more is because women are better at lying and getting away with it, they really don't think that they are cheating because they feel justified by it in their mind, and many don't admit that they've ever done so. Cheating is the same on both sides.

My advice to you is look elsewhere than clubs and such.

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A female reader, ilovebowsandcherries United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2009):

ilovebowsandcherries agony auntHun i am a girl and trust me i wouldn't cheat

i hate girls who cheat why can't they be happy with the one they're already with?

it's stupid!

they complain when guys cheat but when it's themits a different story.!!

anyways if you want a nice girl then perhaps just chill out for a bit don't play the field.

it's just meaningless.

just chill out be single flirt arounf until you're sure you can trust a girl again.

you seem decent enough and ANY girl would be lucky to have you!

Girls like that who cheat ruin it for the really decent girls because guys can't trust them.

Pathetic.

Best of luck hun!

chin up!

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A male reader, ALONSO80 Venezuela +, writes (2 June 2009):

Just because you're attracted to someone doesnt mean they're right for you. You should really invest more time in meeting the person before establishing a relationship. Everybody has been attracted to the wrong person. Also if they're screwing someone else, i suggest you get tested for STD's, .all the best

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (2 June 2009):

rcn agony auntFirst, I want you to really take some time off from dating. This is because being cheated on can really change your view, trust, and jealousy in relationships. This has become a pattern, but when someone cheats it's an act they do, don't blame yourself for that act. What I believe is, you're attracted to girls who have the same behavior patterns. Change where you meet them. If it's at clubs or bars, there's a reason why they assume the name "meat market." People are there for one reason and when dating they don't change that habit.

If you become a player, you might be passing up what you're really looking for. You'll end up hurting people too, which is not okay to pass on the pain your girlfriend did upon girls who didn't hurt you. Set standards for what you're looking for. Write it down. If you could develop the nice trusting girl, what would she look like. You'll find some of the behaviors you include will be different from those who've been cheating on you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009):

Well maybe you're just looking in the wrong places and finding wrong women. it's happened to me. You rarely meet any nice girls in a nightclub or a bar. you should meet them at libraries, school, the gym and even church! you find the best when you're not looking. women are attracted to guys who dont seem desperate. just take it easy and learn from your mistakes. and the right one will come along.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009):

Hahaha :( Im sorry you seem like such a cutie pie... Ok so Im on the opposite end. I have always cheated on every single guy i have ever been with. And i HATE it. I dont know why i do it, i just do and it obviously ruins every good relationship i have ever been it. I guess the main reason i probably do it is because nobody has ever really excited me enough to be monogomous and i probably sound like a slut but its the unfortunate truth. :( I really wish i could find someone who could settle me down.

As for you... hang in there dont go searchin for love, it will come to you in dear time. Dont be a women hater, but dont fall in love too quickly. It seems the nicest guys always get hurt the worst.

All women arent this way... My best friend she is gorgeous could have any guy in the world she wants and has only been in love with this one guy he has left her for other girls cheated on her time and time again and she has been faithful to him for 4 years even though he doesnt deserve it. A lot of women have good morals you just have to find the right ones. dont pick em up in a bar, ya dig?

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