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Why did she keep cheating on me and treating me so badly?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2012) 5 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, *ravisdee writes:

I'm recently out of a 4 year relationship and a traumatic one at that.

The problems began 2 1/2 years ago when she started cheating on me..the other guy was a random she met on craigslist one night when i was not around. Their fling lasted on and off about 6-8 months before i caught any knowledge of it. It became so bad that when we would go out on a weekend and after she had a few drinks, she would get verbally abusive and on occasions leave and not return home until the next morning stating "she had stayed at her friend house"

I believed it for a moment then my research proved that it was indeed another man, to which i questioned her and asked her to either stop and we work thing through, or that she move out. She decided on working thing is when life got really out of control with me.

After we started to work things out life was good for a moment then she went back to her old tricks and would disappear and come home next morning. I finally had enough one middle of the night and removed her the from the house, after she came back from her midnight fling. I went back to bed and in the morning the police were at my door and i was swiftly taken away to jail on charges of domestic abuse...Now let me tell you...i never struck her or laid a finger on her other than showing her the door and some mean and nasty words on her departure.

Well spending a few nights in jail and on my release hearing you cannot return to your house as she is living there was a little confusing. 2 weeks later we began communication again and i returned to my house. We both lived together and she continued to see the other guy whilst we were doing so. I this time kept my mouth shut and put up with the pain and anger this caused me as i did not want to stir the pot, she had something over me... the domestic abuse charge, which she later dropped.

After dropping the charges and things went back to normal...if this was normal. I asked her to stop seeing the guy or move out, she choose to be with me again.

This is the peaceful part of the relationship, she quit drinking alcohol and for just over a year things were semi normal...when i say semi cheating although our sex life consisted of me begging for it and maybe getting it once a month if that.

Other than a limited sex life she became pleasant to be around and i generally thought we were moving forward. Oh how i was wrong....her sister was getting married on the 27th October this year, it was a black tie event and i spent countless $ on a suit, dress for her, only to be the day before we were leaving for her sisters that i was not coming and she was going alone as she needed a break....I was gobsmacked, what could i do. She left and after the weekend was over called me telling me she was sorry and that she loves me.

So she came back to me after the wedding, i was angry how she left and basically did not talk to her for about 5 days. So within those 5 days i woke up in the middle of the night and had found she had sneaked off while i slept. She came back the next morning to me and my confusion. Not only that, i also found out on November 3rd she created a dating site profile and is now dating someone from it still why she lives with me. It been almost a month now she has been with him and is still living with me. This time she is finally moving out.

I'm so confused as to why she would constantly do this to me?

I'm not young, in my early 30's and i'm somewhat successful in my career, now after this i'm to start again when all i wanted was someone to love and start a family.

A little background about me. The reason you're probably wondering why i would put up with this behavior to begin with. When i was younger my mother abandoned me and left me with my grandparents, so i do have some abandonment issues that i seek help for.

View related questions: a break, in jail, sex life, wedding

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012):


Stop the whining and the belly aching. So what if you have abandonment issues, don't you have any regard for your own value and self worth? This woman goes off and does whatever she does, and comes home to you exposing you to the risk of STD's and such.

Look up HPV, it's for life so while you whine about "issues" think about this, you get a disease and she leaves you anyway, you have to live with exposing a next partner to it and that's the rest of your life ruined.

Smarten up

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012):

You let yourself be used over and over again. That's why she did it. And that is why some other people will do the same things if you let them.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (6 December 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt"I'm so confused as to why she would constantly do this to me?"

because you permitted it.

what you need to do is tell her GET OUT and mean it.

She's using you. She lies She cheats and now she's blatant about it because she knows you will continue to be a doormat for her.

Knowing you have abandonment issues is half the battle. Getting some therapy for it is the other half.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (6 December 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWelll.... your last paragraph indicates that you have at least SOME why you are being a foot-wipe mat for this girl....

NOW, convert THAT.... get a spinal implant.... and see if you can continue in your life as a male homo sapien.....

Good luck......

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A female reader, ImmortalPrincess United States +, writes (5 December 2012):

ImmortalPrincess agony aunt"I'm so confused as to why she would constantly do this to me?"

Because you allow her to. By constantly chasing after and he and tacking her back, you have told her that you are willing to put up with this behavior.

Get some counseling for your abandonment and co-dependency issues, but this relationship needs to be over. She is no good for you, and as long as you stay with her, you're closing the door on finding anyone else.

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