A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner said he felt guilty after he left his ex even though she was the one who cheated. He said when he found out, he left her but spent months afterwards feeling guilty and as if he had 'not acted like a man'. What does this mean? (ps this happened ages ago, but its something that bothers me as I cant comprehend).
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Hold on. She cheated a decade ago, and he spent months afterwards feeling guilty. Those months of feeling guilty are also long over. Does he still feel guilty NOW, 10 years later??? I think you two need to communicate more about this. Did he just tell you about this recently, or did he tell you ages ago? (wasn't sure if your "ages ago" referred to what he said or to the cheating) Ask him exactly WHY he felt guilty. Then tell him, kindly, why he shouldn't. I really don't think it's fair to just leave him over this. Maybe he felt guilty because he did not deal with things the way he would have liked to. Sometimes we (myself included) have a hard time getting over a scenario that didn't happen the way we wanted it to, as if we've let ourselves down. That does NOT suggest he still has any feelings for her.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Glad to help, and great job getting my name right this time. ;-)
After a decade he should be over this. It's one thing to regret what happened, but it's another entirely to keep blaming yourself. I mean, I was cheated on a long time ago too, and while I still carry that with me, and it does influence my decisions, it does NOT rule my life.
I'm glad you feel he's a good guy worthy of an explanation. You should tell him that too, and that he needs to believe more in himself. Hopefully he gets there, even if it's not with you.
That debt sucks though. Talk about a constant reminder! Yuck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Hello, OP again. Thanks for being so consistent in helping me with my issue Dirtball (see, got it right this time!).
Yes, he is a nice guy and deserves it, plus he has never hurt me so its the least I can do. I would stick around and help but as I said, its not a feeling I am familiar with nor can I even try to understand it. This also happened almost aDECADE ago, and she has now moved on got married etc and they dont speak or anything so its not like he has not had the time to get over it. He has had ten years. Also, he felt bad for leaving her because I think she cried and asked for him back etc and he had to say no, even though she was young and had a child. So it could have been that too.
I know it was a case of a lot of intense emotions and also there was a lot of debt involved too as he spent a lot of money on her and when he found out she cheated, he felt foolish for spending that money that he is STILL paying off.
But to me, its like if someone drops a glass of wine in someone's lap on purpose and the person on whom the wine was dropped on felt bad and guilty for being in the wine glass's way. Does not make sense at all.
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 April 2011):
No problem OP, just had to give you some grief about it.
If you do break it off with him (which it sounds like you're going to do), you would be doing him a favor if you tell him why. You don't need to be hurtful about it, but tell him how unattractive this kind of self blame over something that wasn't his fault is to you. He needs to hear it even though it will suck for him. It's quite rare these days to get to know EXACTLY why a relationship ends. It's that exact thing that often leads to this kind of thinking in an individual like him. It will take some courage for you to tell him this, but if you can do it, it might benefit him in the long run. Of course, it's up to you whether you think he deserves such consideration.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Dirtball! Oops so sorryI get confused between you and odds as I keep reading his name as oddball - my apologies.
YEs, I cant really comprehend this kind of guilt and wish to have no part of it.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 There's probably more to the story. Maybe he feels bad that he didn't try to work it out. He just left. Maybe he knows that he had been ignoring her; pushing her away; preoccupied with work; or had a fling of his own, to which could be the real guilt. Perhaps it just feels like "unfinished" business because he still loves her. Afterall, even if we make the decision to leave someone because we know we will never trust them again; and we cannot tolerate the devastation of cheating, does not mean the love goes away. It lingers for a long time even after the relationships ends and that love can end up looking alot like guilt. I think it bothers you because you know he still has feelings for his ex, and you worry that if she changes her mind, he'll take her back. Out of guilt or love. And because of this, you don't feel like he loves you quite that much. All I can say is, things will work out in time. The more time you are with him, the less this will bother you and the more he will have a chance to get over the ex and the sloppy way it ended.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 April 2011):
"Thanks again cerberus and Odds"
Odds? He didn't check in to this thread, at least not yet...
OP, leaving him over this may be a bit extreme, but it also depends on how badly he is still reacting about it. Many people blame themselves for this kind of thing. But, it's your life to live. Good luck.
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (26 April 2011):
 My ex cheated and a part of me felt (and even now still feels) like it was my fault. If I had just been more... something. More attractive? More exciting? A better man? Maybe then she wouldn't have needed to find someone else. It's stupid, but it's easy to feel that way. When a woman cheats, it makes her cuckold feel like less of a man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): Thanks guys I am the OP and I think its best that I leave my bf. he is obviously weak if he cannot deal with a breakup where the OTHER person cheated.
i was cheated on by MY ex and I can tell you there was no guilt on my part, just anger and the desire to kick his arse to the curb.
The thought of feeling guilty for SOMEONE elses mess up/betrayal just astounds me and sounds ridiculous.
Thanks again cerberus and Odds
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): Yeah pretty much all that Dirtball said. You'd be surprized how much of a dent being cheated on can be to someones self esteem. If you've experienced it then you know what I mean.
It can be very emasculating to think you weren't good enough to stop her from cheating or that another man is better than you. His guilt could stem from all of what Dirtball said but it could also stem from his own reaction to what happened. Perhaps he turned into a sloppy, mess of a person on his knees crying and begging for her not to leave him and feels guilty about that. Or maybe he feels he just didn't fight hard enough to keep her.
It could be lots of things but I must say when I hear stories like this and the guy felt guilty it's usually because he let the woman put the blame on him (the same works vice-versa too), whether it really was his fault or not. In the crazy range of emotions that we get after any kind of break up, guilt is obviously going to come up. You know what it's like to go through a bad break up, you just can't just can't stop thinking about all the things you could/should have done better, how you could have prevented it etc. Over and over again. Guilt can come through in those thoughts even if she was the one who ruined everything.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 April 2011):
He's regretting things he didn't do. Perhaps it's telling her off, or beating up the guy she cheated with, or maybe he's feeling like he drove her to cheat in some way. Whatever the case, it's in his head, but until he fully addresses it and comes to terms with it, it will continue to haunt him.
It's common to blame yourself for the faults of others. Many people do it, myself included. It's a very bad habit though, and leads to lots of self loathing.
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