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female
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anonymous
writes: Just found my long term boyfriend on a dating site. He started texing a girl, i found the messages, i knew something wasn't right. He tells me he loves me and its the biggest mistake of his life. I am very confused. Why did he do it? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 November 2006):
 There are many reasons why he may have done this. Probably the best way to find out is to ask him, although he may not really be able to tell you clearly. He may not know himself.
Most men fantasise about other partners from time to time. It's quite normal (in my opinion) and does not mean they do not love their partner. As long as they don't turn these occasional thoughts into action then its not a problem. As far as I know women do this too, although I think perhaps less so. There is an unfortunate part of male programming which tells us to try to have as much sex as possible with as many people as possible. Fortunately this is not the only drive we have... the desire to have a committed relationship and eventually a family is usually stronger. This separates the 'nice guys' from the 'players' I guess.
Sometimes these fantasies get explored in various ways. One of these is to look on online dating sites. See it as window shopping: just looking, having no intention to buy. Your boyfriend may have been doing this... exploring this fantasy and not really thinking he was ever going to do anything. Then things could have gotten a bit further than he planned, suddenly he's texting some girl. He's in over his head. He didn't mean to be there. 'Oh shit' he's thinking to himself. This is fun and I'm getting a buzz out of it but its not real, nothing is going to happen.
That is one possible explanation. Another is that he is unhappy in your relationship and is looking for an out. That he went online deliberatly to find another girl.
Only you two know which is more likely to be true.
Whatever happens, if you stay together then you are probably going to feel insecure and jealous. It's not going to be easy to trust him after this. He's going to need to spend extra time and effort making you feel loved, cared for, and at ease. Make sure he understands this... you'll have some difficult emotions to deal with and they are his responsibility. They are of his making. He needs to spend time every day making sure you know you are the one for him, and whenever he is out without you he should be contacting you and letting you know where he is and who he is with. A hassle for him, yes, but the least he can do for you after what he just did. It will take effort on his part to get your relationship back on a good footing.
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