A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Why did it hurt so much seeing him with another girl if we are just friends and I don't have feelings for him?I'm talking about my guy friend. I don't know if friend is the right word, we've known eachother forward nearly two years and always have a laugh and things got really flirty a couple of months ago. I guess there was always something flirty there but it just intensified. We got carried away one time we were hanging out and had sex. It was my first time but it didn't really mean anything more than sex to me. I liked where we were at as friends and so we decided to stick at it. Just friends. Who sometimes hooked up.vsomething we were both okay with. About the time of exams we stopped and went back to just being friends, to focus on revision etc, which again we were both okay with doing. I'm getting ready to go to university this month and he's going into his second year so we haven't spoken much as we've had things to sort out. But he's popped up a few times and do have I and we had some good conversations, which is nice, nothing sexual just talking. The other day I saw him having lunch with a girl, who I've seen him with once before, and for some reason it hurt to see.i don't know if this girl is his girlfriend or just his girl-friend but it still kinda ruined my day. This whole time I've only ever thought of him as a friend, even after we hooked up (or at least as far as my conscious mind is aware of). Why does it suddenly feel so crappy seeing him with a girl who may not even be his girlfriend and even if it is, I shouldn't care...
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 September 2017):
 Because you DO have feelings.
That's pretty obvious but you're trying to pass it off as you don't care. Things change when you have sex with someone, it's no longer a friendship.
Decide how much you like him so you can make a choice where you go from here. You either want something more or nothing at all, because if you keep talking and seeing him with other girls I'm pretty sure this feeling will only get worse.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 September 2017):
 Most women (including you, I suspect) find it difficult to separate sex and love. To the majority of us the two are intertwined and, once we have sex with someone, feelings get involved. I suspect that, despite your protestations that "it was just sex", there was a lot more involved (which you possibly tried to block or deny).
You are going to university soon. A whole new chapter will start in your life. You will meet lots of new people and have lots of new experiences. This must be very exciting and a little scary at the same time. Perhaps you were subconsciously needing your friend to be a "comfort blanket" for you during your transition to your new life and you are now worried he will not be as available as you had hoped?
In your shoes I would probably try to limit contact with him until you have clear in your own mind what your feelings are towards him. Also give yourself chance at university to meet new people and make new friends and, hopefully, someone will come along who will tick all your boxes and be a friend as well as a lover.
Good luck with your new life. I am sure you will have a great time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017): You have feelings, but you're in denial. Aside from hooking-up with you, he doesn't show any real signs that he's into you. So you're saying you don't feel anything either.
So you're singing that song by an old British Rock Band called 10cc. " I'm not in Love!" Google the original sound-track and listen to the lyrics. Do they sound familiar? Can you relate?
There's always somebody we bond with, and we have mixed-feelings for. It's not exactly love, but it's special. It's different from all your other friends. He makes you feel good in his own way, and seems to get you.
Girls seem more apt to attach feelings to sex. Especially when you shared your very first time with him.
Try and come to terms if you really like him or not. If he doesn't seem to be on the same page; maybe it is a good time to put some distance between you, and try and mix and mingle with other guys. It's unhealthy to let a guy dangle you on a string. Intentionally, or unintentionally.
If you only agreed not make anything of it, because he said that's what he wants; then you have to move on.
The less you see of him, the less you feel for him. Then the jealous feelings will go away. So will your infatuation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017): It's no use trying to fool yourself, you care about him, otherwise you would not have had sex with him.
Type this into your browser, "there is no such thing as casual sex". Read and learn...
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson  +, writes (8 September 2017):
 Greetings Poster,I agree with Honeypie, we can care a lot for a person even if we don't have feelings for them and or love them. We are humans, we are raised to be caring and compassionate and with him being your friend its only fair for you to feel concern for him.But sleeping with friends is a big problem. The rule with sleeping with friends is the same as with sleeping with exes, it's better not to. When friends sleep together someone always gets hurt. I know you think it's just sex but sharing that type of intimacy together may create small connections between you two. Like what Honeypie said, you might have felt YOU were the "special lady, you wrote yourself...you don't know if friends the word.If you truly don't have feelings for him, you'll just call him a friend and not fret on the labels. If you see him again, I suggest you stop the whole arrangement. I can sense that you are developing an attachment to him, an attachment that may not seem so friendly and platonic.The sex mixed up your feelings, making you think twice about everything and that has to stop.Sort your self out, check if what you feel is concern, jealousy, or feelings. Do you care if he starts that type of relationship with another girl? Can you think of doing that type of thing with another guy? What will you feel if that girl really is your girlfriend?Good luck with everything poster and hope everything you sort things out soon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 September 2017):
 I think the reason it hurts, is that you have feelings for him. Doesn't mean you want him to be your BF but you DO care.
Whether the other girl is a GF or a G-friend doesn't really matter, in the sense that you might have felt YOU were the "special lady" to him. That your friendship with the added bonus of sex made what you have "special" and seeing him with someone else makes it less so (at least at first glance).
How we feel can sometimes be a little irrational. You might LOGICALLY know that he TALKS to other girls and maybe even want to date someone else and that YOU don't want him as a BF - but emotionally YOU want to be "that special girl" to him.
You cared enough about him to become a friend, and enough to become intimate for the FIRST time with anyone. So as much as you protest... you do care.
Nothing wrong with caring. You aren't a toaster.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 September 2017):
 You were naive enough to think just sex would stay that way, when you're young, hormonal and have no other sexual experiences.
You mixed sex with a close friend and that means the chances of true emotional distance was very slim, as you are now finding out. It was possible he'd feel a little emotional attachment to you romantically after sex, but it's nowhere near as common as it is with girls or young women.
I think you have two options: speak to him about how you feel before things get serious with this girl, or accept that you and casual sex don't mix (at least for now), then distance yourself from the friendship until your confusion fades.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (8 September 2017):
It's called JEALOUSY, and we all are sick from that disease, but some have that disease more severe than others.You felt that way because it's a friend (with benefits) of yours, and you felt threatened of seeing him talk with other girl. It's very normal, specially with girls, to feel that way. You need to leave that jealousy of yours pass through you, and let it go. That boy is not for you, and you are not for him since you both don't have feelings for each other, even after having sex, kissing, and all that. The day you really love somebody, your jealousy will skyrocket if you see that significant other just looking or talking with anybody, which will also be normal. It's part of the human condition, and you should accept it as it is, and let it through. Best luck!
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