A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i hope i can get some advice here to move on in my life.I have been with my boyfriend coming up two years, we get on well and i feel we are compatible. but there is a problem. My boyfriend went to America when he was 19 years old, stayed with a woman he talked to online and basically ended up in a relationship with her (she was the same age and already had two kids by the time seh was 19)He has told me he married her because he was young and naive, she moved over to England and left the two kids behind with their grandparents. He said he was unhappy with her for years and wasted his twenties with someone. He has told me she cheated on him and was a horrible person (other people have verified this) He left her and they divorced in 2008, she married someone else. He told me all of this but he never told me the next bit, i discovered this myself.Now all the above is fine and of course understandable. But then her second husband left her and the person she contacted was my boyfriend, this was in 2013, he gave her money to put a bond down on a house, he stayed over there on several occasions for a good six months from the start of that year he was in contact with her. When i asked him why he had not told me that FIVE years after his divorce to this 'wicked' woman did he help her he said she contacted him, he had not heard from her in years, she gave him the sob story that her second marriage had ended and she had nowhere to go (her husband was in the army and on quarters). He said he stayed over because there was a direct train route for him to travel and he sometimes went to collect money she owed. He said nothing ever happened between them. But her Facebook posts said different, she tagged him stating they went for drinks, had meals out, a weekend away and while nothing showed they had actually reconciled the posts suggested they was close. This woman has yet again moved on but lives fairly near though luckily not so close i have ever seen her in person. He has told me that after the six months in 2013 he cut off contact altogether as he knew she had used him for his money and he knew he was not going to get it back, nothing has shown they have stayed in contact. But things i can't get my head around, why would he help someone he claims to have disliked so much after what she did? Why would she put things on Facebook claiming they did those things of which he denies? True he never liked or commented on her posts at the time but she tagged his name? And with all this i feel she must have meant far more to him than he lets on, he has told me he never loved her and married her because he was young and went along with something he never really wanted to be in...It is driving me mad to think that he is lying about all this and also that this woman came back into his life so easily. I don't think he is the cheating type and he has told me she means nothing to him but i am struggling to accept his version of events as the truth, in that she meant littleAll advice appreciated on this
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 December 2018):
 Okay so you know his patience is wearing thin with this yet you still do it. If you REALLY want this to work then I’d suggest councilling so you can speak to someone impartial face to face and get to the bottom of why you can’t move past the issue.
If I had a partner keep bringing up something irrelevant from my past she would be gone. Proceed with caution.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2018): N91, yes that is my previous question and I guess because the thought never went away I asked with extra information.
Yes he is fed up of it and doesn't see me for days when I ask and get upset, it's become a vicious circle and one I know only I can break.
I will keep reading the advice given on here and keep working on letting this go, next year this should be my resolution and stick to it.
I really want to make it work with him but this stupid insecurity keeps getting in the way.
Thank you to you all for all your helpful advice, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me with the great advice x
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 December 2018):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-stop-thinking-that-my-boyfriends.html
This is you right? Didn’t you like the last advice you received?
If you think he’s lying and you doubt how genuine his claims are then why are you staying with him? Do you repeatedly bring this up in conversation because I could see this being a real annoyance for him. He’s told you it was all a mistake and he’s seen her for what she was, a cheating user. How many times does he have to say it?
Maybe he did love her more than he says, what does it have to do with you? It was before he even knew you, it’s part of his past which it sounds like he wants to keep that way. Maybe he helped her because he’s a nice guy and she knew that and took advantage of him? Maybe he really did love her and he’s playing it down, in all seriousness who cares? He is with YOU now, surely that’s enough to know that he isn’t thinking about her anymore. Why are YOU more concerned about his past than he is?
If he really is lying about going for drinks and such with her I’m getting the idea that he’s doing it so you will drop the subject and move on with your life. It really DOES NOT matter in any way, shape or form. You are going the right way about pushing this guy away because of how obsessed you are with his ex. Either give in to your insecurities and break up with this guy or understand that it has absolutely no relevance to your current relationship or move on. Your BF should not have to be dealing with his past being brought up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 December 2018):
 Thank you, OP
Glad to read that you didn't take offense to what I wrote.
If he REALLY had deep feelings for her, he would have stuck it out with her, or continued to be at her beck and call... He hasn't. Which would suggest HE has moved on.
Focus on the two of you, what you have build together and will continue to build on.
Don't let her "live rent-free" in your head creating animosity towards your BF, that he really doesn't deserve. Let her go.
And don't let the "I can find out the truth by digging though old Facebook trash" convince you that SHE is/was telling the truth. Who knows maybe some of those posts were to JERK his chain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2018): Thank you Honeypie, i always appreciate your advice and how spot on you always are, not just with me but with others.
I have let this woman get under my skin, i have heard so much from others including him what a horrible person she was for so many reasons, i couldn't understand and i guess i still can't get my head around why he would help someone like her out after the way she treated him.
But i do trust him and i have to keep reminding myself she is not a threat.
Thank you again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2018): Evidence is that he is with you now!Today is all that matters, it makes our tomorrows, choose to be happy today, let him enjoy every happy fun moment with you. He won't ever need to look back if todays are good. Please close your mind off to the past and only live for today...you can be happy, you are the one creating all your misery and soon it will flaw your relationship. Stop now and CHOOSE to be happy or live in the past that you were never part of. Merry Christmas, party time, great opportunity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2018): This happened wayyyy before you even got together with him. Why is it bothering you? How do you even know where she lives?I mean I'd understand if he is still contacting her now, while he is with you or if he cheated on you with her, emotional or not. But he hasn't had contact with this woman for over 5 years. Everyone you meet will have history because at this age, you've lived half your life already.. there is bound to be some history. But if this is ONLY HISTORY, you should let it be and not bring it up. This will eventually ruin your relationship if you don't keep the past in the past.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 December 2018):
You are DIGGING in his past, why? And digging around HER Facebook page, in her OLD stuff from PRE 2013! seriously, OP - that's obsessive and intrusive. And not helping you ONE bit.
Whatever dysfunctional marriage and then relationship they HAD is in the past. Why he did what he did is REALLY none of your business. Maybe he did help her, maybe he DID feel sorry for her (even if she was a evil wench who used him terribly), maybe she was just THAT manipulative.
Maybe he thought he loved her back in the day when he first married her and then later come to realize that it probably wasn't love. Or maybe he did love her in some capacity and SO WHAT?! Sure, he might not want to ADMIT that he PICKED a flawed partner and STAYED with her for that long.
Pretty sure, YOU have done some stupid stuff when you were 19. Thing you rather NOT look back on or even discuss. His "stupid thing" was marry someone because he had some kind of "white knight syndrome" and thought he would rescue her from whatever bad life she had painted for him OR that she was actually living.
And I get that HIS version of events doesn't entirely line up with the one YOU have imagines and fabricated from snippets from HER Facebook page and your own notions, so really YOU have to decide HOW important is it that WHAT he believes or WANT to believe match up with what YOU want to believe?
What does all this actually matter to you? HOW does it affect you? (hint it really doesn't as ALL this happened BEFORE he met you) And WHY do you feel YOUR "version" must be more true than his?
Surely, you have had some events that when to shit in your past that you now "gloss" over IF you even talk about them... So why can't he?
IF you think there is danger of her popping back in his life and making things hard for you, then either DON'T date the guy, as you don't trust his judgement. Or live life with him one day at the time. Enjoy what you have, keep working on the relationship and leave the PAST in the past. He can't change the past, neither can you.
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