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Why did he invite me, then say nothing about me going with him?

Tagged as: Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 May 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 12 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 4 mths.

I’ve met his friends but not yet his family. From what he has said they know about me and he’s tried to introduce us before, however that was about 2 mths ago, which I felt to soon.

He has met some of my family, my kids and parents but not yet siblings.

His daughter is having a 21st party this weekend and about 2 weeks ago he asked if I wanted to come along with him. I said yes and thought no more of it. Few days before the party he asked what my weekend plans are, I say I’m free and he mentions he has a party Friday night. Then says do I fancy doing something Saturday.

I’ve now assumed he’s changed his mind for whatever reason and hasn’t said why. I kind of feel abit annoyed he’d do this.

I’m ok about not going as I feel it would probably be awkward anyway. I just wondered why he’d not say or explain.

Our situations are different. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend when we met as I have a 10,13 yr old. I only get every other weekend free.

He’s are 21,16. He doesn’t have a weekend arrangement.

I went with things because he seemed a nice guy. He expects me to be free at weekends even when I have my kids. So am annoyed he’s invite me then uninvited me but expect me to be free the next day.

I don’t feel like it’s worth saying anything to him. Maybe I’m too available. I know feel like things have moved to fast and I need to step back abit from him. How do I do this without hurting his feelings?

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (12 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntJust go with the flow and there is never any need to rush.

Honestly, if things are meant to be for the two of you, they will be.

When two people are very keen on each other, they'll always work toward making things happen and making things work out and it should flow with ease.

I don't think it would have been a good idea for you to go to his daughters 21st birthday party, as it's not the appropriate time, nor place to meet her and the rest of his family.

Regardless of what transpired between you and this guy, i'd put that to rest and let it go.

Meeting his daughter and the rest of his family, should be reserved for a more private and intimate occasion.

You have children who are younger than his, so you must let him know what your priorities are (children wise), what your schedule is, before you and he make any plans.

If he is respectful of you and your children, he will fully understand and he will try his best to accommodate and meet you halfway.

You have only been together for a short while, so you should get to know him much better, before knowing who he really is and where his true strengths and weaknesses lay.

Always place yourself and your children before any man and when you stick to you and your kids first and he second, then you'll be surprised at how much he'll come to the party, if he is truly sincere.

If not, then you'll find out soon enough and you won't have any regrets.

All the best!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 May 2018):

You have younger kids, and you have to let him know that he has to stick to a schedule; so you can arrange for a sitter; unless you're bringing the kids along. Sometimes 13 year-olds don't need a sitter; but if you're going to be out late, a sitter is optional.

I think a 21st birthday would be a little awkward; there will either be a lot of her friends there; or your boyfriend was considering crashing the party.

I understand you're feeling put-off; as I would too. I'm a stickler for manners; and being considerate of other people's time and schedules. If I ask you for a date, I would assume you are adjusting your schedule to accommodate my invite. Shifting last-minute without notice is disrespectful; and should just be put on the red-flag list. Just see how things turn-out about making-up for that by introducing you to his family.

I raise an eyebrow about guys who make excuses and drag their feet about introducing you to his family. I think after two months, that's a bit of a stretch!

I agree with your more casual-attitude about it. Just slow your roll; get to know him a little better, but take notes.

Both being mature-adult; he should respect your dignity and treat you with more courtesy. I wouldn't be too worried about his feelings. He doesn't seem too concerned about yours.

If you don't get to meet the family in a few more weeks; don't take this guy seriously.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (11 May 2018):

Ciar agony auntI agree with Honeypie.

A first meet on her 21st birthday or other notable special day might be a bit awkward and make what is supposed to be HER day, more about you.

his daughter might have said the same thing if he informed her that you`d been invited before checking with her first. Or maybe he came to that conclusion on his own. Or he might have thought you felt a bit uncomfortable about it and didn't want to press you. There is really insufficient information for anyone to draw any conclusions here.

I would leave the matter be. If you`re available for the day he suggested and want to meet up then do so. If not, then don't. Simple as that.

Obviously, I don't know you or him and haven't seen you in action but it's quite possible that he doesn't actually expect you to be available every weekend. He can't know unless he asks and maybe you're uncomfortable about declining an invitation.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI would just go with the flow.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea for him to bring you to his daughter's 21st as the FIRST time for you to meet her. Her birthday is about HER, not your BF and you. And I can easily see how that can sour any future relationship with his kids.

I think a lunch with her daughter and/or son would be much better idea. It's a shorter meeting and somewhere neutral.

You have ONLY dated for 4 months. There IS not rush to meet EVERYONE.

Are you too available? Maybe. That is up to you. If you ARE NOT doing anything else then why NOT see him and spend time? If you DO have other things planned do not ALTER them for him or wait to make plans until HE has decided when to meet up.

From what you write it doesn't SOUND like he expected you to be free every weekend. I think that you being upset that he invited and then (unofficially) un-invited you is the point here.

I don't know why you didn't say, Oh I thought you wanted me to come to her birthday? But instead you suggested doing something Saturday. If you HAD mentioned it, HE could explain why he changed his mind (or if his daughter changed hers or he forgot or whatnot).

the weekends you have your kids MAKE them the focus. If he can fit into those plans fine, if he can't then that is fine too.

Do you two see each other during the week at all? If so, then one weekend here and there just with YOU and your kids should be fine.

The BEST thing to sort this out, is to TALK to him.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntStop worrying about his feelings and be honest with yourself and him. Ask yourself what you want from him. Also communication is a huge part of a relationship so you should talk to him and ask him why he uninvited you. My guess is it is to soon for him to introduce you to his daughter, or maybe the ex kicked off, either way he should have told you the truth. He hoped to brush it under the carpet. Talk to him and be honest to him about how you feel. If you want to slow things down then tell him that. You have two children who come first and he should understand that.

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